My friend's relationship, a problem or just normal?

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Has this been a problem since the beginning of their relationship or just since they moved in together? There are some guys who tend to turn the girl in the relationship into "mommy" and not someone who excites them anymore - but they do fine with one night stands and things of that sort.

This is the real question . . . but not for the reason you think.

I'll open up the can of worms first: the problem is almost certainly NOT attraction, at least not on the level you're thinking.

Guys can be aroused by women they find otherwise unattractive - this is the "drunken hookup with gross girls" portion of the presentation. Just wipe the whole "he didn't get hard in the shower!" thing from your mind - it's non sequitur, and getting hung up there will crush any chance of fixing the real problem.

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

This is the real question . . . but not for the reason you think.

I'll open up the can of worms first: the problem is almost certainly NOT attraction, at least not on the level you're thinking.

Guys can be aroused by women they find otherwise unattractive - this is the "drunken hookup with gross girls" portion of the presentation. Just wipe the whole "he didn't get hard in the shower!" thing from your mind - it's non sequitur, and getting hung up there will crush any chance of fixing the real problem.

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

I agree.

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I agree.

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

hm... i actually never thought about that... thats been another theme in their relationship- him being a little too "friendly" with the girls he works with... they've had a few fights about it, but when this came up, its not something either she or I thought of... hmm....

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

While always possible, it doesn't fit the situation well at all - this would be the least of my concerns, especially if he's 'inexperienced' (both sexually and relationship-wise).

[AKA_Monet]

Even if he did have another relationship on the side, it still doesn't preclude the fact that homegirl and boyfriend may have different views about living together.

He may be having familial pressure about not "living in sin" (etc.). She may totally think it's normal.

Or he may just be one of the little boy toy possessive selfish types that doesn't like to share in the sandbox and hoots away when he doesn't have his way, except he never plays with all his toys on Xmas day...

Hey, if he's a dog, then is he a puppy or a big dog? Because if he's a puppy, and he goes pee pee on the carpet, you swat him. If he's a big dog, you take him out for a walk...

[susan314]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

KSig RC has made some very good points.

If there has been a drastic change in the bedroom aspect of their relationship, there is likely another underlying issue. Not necessarily that's he's not attracted to her anymore, but any of the stuff that KSig mentioned, or the possibility that he's depressed/stressed out, etc.

Men can be less willing to discuss problems in general, and that applies even more so in the case of bedroom problems. Its a societal thing - the stereotype is that a man (or at least a "real man") is up for it any time, anywhere, and if he's not then there is something "wrong" with him. Which does a great disservice to the male gender, because they're human too - life events happen, stress happens, medical complications happen, distractions happen...an individual male may go through temporary periods where his drive is decreased due to outside factors, and an individual male may not have the stereotypically insatiable drive that we (as a society) expect from all men. If a guy is experiencing a setback with his sex drive, he may not feel like he has anywhere to turn for advice. He might feel like he'd catch a lot of flack for admitting a problem to his buddies, and he might feel that his significant other would think less of him as a man if he opened up about sexual difficulties.

I would not automatically assume that he's no longer attracted to your friend or that he has a woman on the side. However, communication is the only thing that's going to resolve the issue. At least then she'll know where she stands.