My friend's relationship, a problem or just normal?

[jubilance1922]

I don't believe that a normally functioning man just isn't "sexual". The sight of a naked woman that a guy is attracted to will give him a hard-on, even if he doesn't want to hump.

I'd say he's either not into her, or he has some type of health problem. This exact situation was on Grey's Anatomy last week, turns out the guy had a tumor on his adrenal gland that caused a low sex drive.

Best of luck to your friend...

[AlethiaSi]

hmmm.. i'm not too sure how sexually experienced he was, my first instinct is to say that he isn't too experienced.....
i don't think he's on meds, she would have told me.... (buttonz- i know what you are saying- and you're right though, they definately can mess with a person (esp sex drive) so you aren't being mean )



[QUOTE=jubilance1922;1443469] I don't believe that a normally functioning man just isn't "sexual". The sight of a naked woman that a guy is attracted to will give him a hard-on, even if he doesn't want to hump.
[QUOTE]

thats kind of what i thought too.... from the guys- any thoughts?

[AKA_Monet]

They have to be able to communicate on all levels. Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" is a good book to read.

His love language is not one of physicality. It is a need to him, but under certain circumstances. He may have to be loopy, drunk or high to get with it. If you girlfirend wants to deal with that, fine. But, if she does not, then she has to weigh her options and decide what she can tolerate.

He could just be straight jacking her altogther. But one ought not go into a serious relationship with those kind of major insecurities. What if your friend is too freaky and requires a whip and 5 inch heels to make him get off?

The meer fact that she can jump into the shower with him without him pushing her out or locking the doors suggests he does like her. So, the question becomes, can HE fulfill her requirements for sexual appetite? Probably--NOT. Unless he is willing to practice. In that case, Margaret Anand's "Art of Sexual Ecstasy" is a good book to practice reaching the highest of charkras. And the Muirs, "The Art of Conscious Loving" teaches how to love expansively.

She needs to love herself and be confident in her "abilities". Then, her boy doesn't talk, period, men don't talk generally. So, trying to rip it out of him. Ain't gonna work. What I have found works with my hard as nails husband is either teasing him for some little thing, then going non sequitur on him... One has to gauge the relationship.

Then, it all becomes a matter of how much chit you really want to deal with. Hey, if you don't wanna deal with it, then don't. Life's short. Have fun.

Folks of GC have accused me of not answering questions: Yes, this is normal for most men.

[33girl]

There is such a thing as being asexual - just not interested in sex in general, be it homo- or hetero-.

On the other side of the coin...

Has this been a problem since the beginning of their relationship or just since they moved in together? There are some guys who tend to turn the girl in the relationship into "mommy" and not someone who excites them anymore - but they do fine with one night stands and things of that sort.

[AlphaFrog]

Ok, I'm the self-admitted-TMI-Queen at work, and this post is just TMI.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Ok, I'm the self-admitted-TMI-Queen at work, and this post is just TMI.

lol sorry
i appreciate the input though, and so does she (lol i told her i posted this morning- after she got over her initial mortification, she was like... well what did they say?? )

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Ok, I'm the self-admitted-TMI-Queen at work, and this post is just TMI.

LMAO, I still found it funny. Well, they must have a really good friendship and a LOT of maturity. If I told one of my friends that my man didn't get a hard on when we took showers together, they would laugh me out the room.

[1908Revelations]

Originally Posted by 33girl

There is such a thing as being asexual - just not interested in sex in general, be it homo- or hetero-.

I was thinking asexual reproduation....that is why reading is fundamental!

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Has this been a problem since the beginning of their relationship or just since they moved in together? There are some guys who tend to turn the girl in the relationship into "mommy" and not someone who excites them anymore - but they do fine with one night stands and things of that sort.

This is the real question . . . but not for the reason you think.

I'll open up the can of worms first: the problem is almost certainly NOT attraction, at least not on the level you're thinking.

Guys can be aroused by women they find otherwise unattractive - this is the "drunken hookup with gross girls" portion of the presentation. Just wipe the whole "he didn't get hard in the shower!" thing from your mind - it's non sequitur, and getting hung up there will crush any chance of fixing the real problem.

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

This is the real question . . . but not for the reason you think.

I'll open up the can of worms first: the problem is almost certainly NOT attraction, at least not on the level you're thinking.

Guys can be aroused by women they find otherwise unattractive - this is the "drunken hookup with gross girls" portion of the presentation. Just wipe the whole "he didn't get hard in the shower!" thing from your mind - it's non sequitur, and getting hung up there will crush any chance of fixing the real problem.

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

I agree.

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I agree.

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

hm... i actually never thought about that... thats been another theme in their relationship- him being a little too "friendly" with the girls he works with... they've had a few fights about it, but when this came up, its not something either she or I thought of... hmm....

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I also wonder if he has another woman on the side.

While always possible, it doesn't fit the situation well at all - this would be the least of my concerns, especially if he's 'inexperienced' (both sexually and relationship-wise).

[susan314]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Think about it like this: when you (as a woman) have to continuously 'fake a headache' or otherwise avoid sex for some period of time, you generally have a reason - it's usually a problem in the relationship, or a problem with him (NOT a problem with sex, specifically - although that might be the relationship problem, I suppose). Intimacy isn't the solution then, just like it isn't now.

It is quite likely he's having space problems, if this has started since they moved in together - does he have anything that gets him out of the house? Does he work a lot, then spend the rest of his time at home? Does he get out often? Does she ever do things without him, or does she stay at home to "be with him"?

If he's not getting the space he needs (or, more precisely, he thinks he needs), he'll be VERY unwilling to give up more of it to do it. He simply won't be in the mood - and it's a product of them living together, and the relationship not living up to what he expected/needs because of it.

It's a pretty common problem, actually - with both sexes.

KSig RC has made some very good points.

If there has been a drastic change in the bedroom aspect of their relationship, there is likely another underlying issue. Not necessarily that's he's not attracted to her anymore, but any of the stuff that KSig mentioned, or the possibility that he's depressed/stressed out, etc.

Men can be less willing to discuss problems in general, and that applies even more so in the case of bedroom problems. Its a societal thing - the stereotype is that a man (or at least a "real man") is up for it any time, anywhere, and if he's not then there is something "wrong" with him. Which does a great disservice to the male gender, because they're human too - life events happen, stress happens, medical complications happen, distractions happen...an individual male may go through temporary periods where his drive is decreased due to outside factors, and an individual male may not have the stereotypically insatiable drive that we (as a society) expect from all men. If a guy is experiencing a setback with his sex drive, he may not feel like he has anywhere to turn for advice. He might feel like he'd catch a lot of flack for admitting a problem to his buddies, and he might feel that his significant other would think less of him as a man if he opened up about sexual difficulties.

I would not automatically assume that he's no longer attracted to your friend or that he has a woman on the side. However, communication is the only thing that's going to resolve the issue. At least then she'll know where she stands.