Inviting a +1 to a wedding

[DubaiSis]

I'd like to speak in defense of destination weddings. I'm a travel agent (call me!) and there are times when they make a great deal of sense. No, that time is not when you are a 25 year old and you're inviting all of your sorority sisters and his brothers and 200 other people. But I did a great wedding for a couple who were blending families, most of the kids were post-high school, and it was just them attending. They had an all-inclusive for a week, the wedding itself was free and 100% handled by the rep at the hotel in St. Lucia. In that case, you send wedding ANNOUNCEMENTS not invitations. Although as the travel agent, I'd have been all over having them send 30 customers my way. Princess cruises does a great wedding package, Sandals does them for free (for bare bones - you have to spend big bucks if you wanted a very traditional wedding). It is harder to get married outside the US, but really, it's still less work than figuring out table configurations and fighting with the caterer, etc. You just either can't expect anybody to go OR you pay for them to go.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by WCsweet<3

The one I went to was great. There were at most 20 of us. It was the bride and groom's immediate family and close friends. We spent a week in Hawaii in a close gathering of cabins and then walked out to the beach for the ceremony. If there had been more than 20 people, there would have been way too much coordination/confusion.

As for my earlier question: it wasn't that I was going to show up with my boyfriend, it's just weird to think of. I think it may be out of the possibility for me as the drive is 2 - 3 hours and the only sisters who live by me are in the bridal party and have to be there earlier than the rest of us.

If you are doing a destination, make it someplace that means something to you or is an amazing place. Driving to desert Oregon that means nothing to the couple and will have nothing of interest around it for the guest all of whom have to drive a couple of hours and spend a few days in town is not a great idea. Hometowns, place you met, Hawaii, vacation places etc. are a much better idea.

I was feeling "Oh WCsweet<3 just enjoy a weekend in the snow and mountains on your own, it is only 2-3 hours drive, it takes me 1.5 hours minimum to get to Spokane and I do a round trip in a day!" but then you said desert Oregon and you had all my sympathies because eastern Oregon is not only fugly, I am allergic to everything there. If it was in Sisters, maybe, but even The Dalles is pushing it. Why do I think you are being doomed to Mt. Bachelor/Bend?

Though I can understand you want to bring your fella with you, if it really is a budget issue they get to make that distinction and bringing him wouldn't be okay. When I was engaged and/or been in a long term relationship we weren't always invited with each other to weddings and never felt it was rude or a slight, it was a matter of respecting what the couple chose to do with their big day. Since we grew up in different places we didn't have the same group of friends, with no cross over until college/graduate school. Did the gift come from both of us? Of course, as I'm the better gift buyer. It was a lot easier for us to accept the situation since we had our own wedding and budget to work with.

I also don't understand the butt hurt single/unattached people have over not being able to bring a guest or a +1. I'm sure it is a lot to do with my personality, but I'd go to a wedding where I knew one or two people, hell I have done that, and enjoyed meeting new people. I don't see it as a place to be on the hunt for men (kind of creepy) and am there for the bride and/or groom. Why should people pay their caterer for me to bring a random person because I feel entitled or insecure? That's just selfish.

[christiangirl]

This is good stuff to know but I think it's kind of a moot point if the invitees don't know it. In my family, it's generally assumed that whoever is invited is welcome to bring their families. For a wedding, the invitee would write in "Invitee +5" even if there was no spot for "and guest(s)." They would just assume their 5 kids must be invited and, while the children's names weren't listed on the invitation, the couple has planned for all 5 to attend. I have never seen a family wedding where people left their kids at home, invited or not. Most people would think this is rude but for us, it's normal. Which would be a HUGE problem if I (one day) can't afford to invite everyone's kids. Even if I left the kids off the invititation, everyone would still miss the memo and bring them anyway.

Which raises the question: If the R.S.V.P. card has a blank for "# of guests____" is it standard to only bring one or are you allowed to write 5 and bring your gaggle of offspring since there was no limit designated?

[DubaiSis]

I've been involved in more than one family fight over just this issue. For a variety of reasons - I want a grown up wedding! - I hate Aunt Susie's kids so I'm not allowing any kids at the wedding - we can really only afford 200 people - and being raised Catholic, well let's just say we lived the stereotype. And someone was tasked with calling Aunt Susie to tell her the kids are not invited. Yes, that leads to 20 years of pleasant family holidays. I have a cousin who was not going to get married just because she didn't want to deal with Grandma's embarrassing behavior.

Weddings are cause for SO MUCH DRAMA. Mine was minimal but that's because I had my youngest sister plan virtually the whole thing and she was the one having the fights with my mother, not me.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by AGDee

You may bring a friend. It says "and Guest" not "Male significant other".

Originally Posted by 33girl

I can't think of anything more perfect. You'll probably have a better time than the sisters who have to babysit their non-PSU hubbies. Heck, if you wanted to bring a female friend, that would be fine too.

Ok, this is what I figured. I've just never known anyone to bring a friend.. Which is surprising, as I've been to a lot of weddings.

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

Weddings are cause for SO MUCH DRAMA. Mine was minimal but that's because I had my youngest sister plan virtually the whole thing and she was the one having the fights with my mother, not me.

This is why the thought of having my own wedding one day does not appeal to me at all. I'm either having a small wedding, or if my future husband prefers a big one, I'm having someone else plan it. It's too much work, and there are way too many differing opinions from a multitude of people.

One of my friends keeps complaining to me about this wedding she's in because she's one of three maids of honor. She says that all of the weight of planning and helping the bride is going to fall on the shoulders of two of them (and they're extremely good friends, btw), and the other isn't even going to be involved, and she doesn't know why the bride even asked the third girl to be in the wedding. Well, it's one of the bride's sorority sisters, and she lives in Louisianna, while the rest of them are in NH. I've basically told her to get over it, call the third MoH, tell her that you're splitting the cost of whatever MoHs spend three ways, plan whatever you need to with the other MoH and the bride (her 2 best friends), and be happy that she at least has one other person to help her out.

People need to learn to shut up, put a smile on their face, and realize that it's not their big day!

[agzg]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

So.. do I bring him?

Yes. Just make sure you write his FIRST AND LAST NAME on the response card.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by TSteven

My small Southern home town was the same. I will add that the announcement in the paper often included a line saying "Only out of town invitations will be sent."

How did I forget that part? Ours too.

If I didn't know better, I would say we were from the same town.

I know!

[agzg]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

This is why the thought of having my own wedding one day does not appeal to me at all. I'm either having a small wedding, or if my future husband prefers a big one, I'm having someone else plan it. It's too much work, and there are way too many differing opinions from a multitude of people.

Live-in and I do disagree on our "dream wedding." Luckily for me, I think finances will play a pretty huge part (he's positive my dad will want to fund the wedding, I'm positive he won't, I'm positive his mom will TRY to fund the wedding, we're both positive we'll try to limit that lest it become HER wedding), so we'll probably end up having my dream wedding rather than his.

I'm warming up to the idea of about 70 people (our families are ever-expanding, especially now that my dad is getting married and his fiancee has 2 kids and 5 grandkids, 4 of which will be adults or nearly adults by the time we get married), but 30 is my ideal. Actually, 10 was my ideal before (his parents and their significant others, brother, brother's gf, my dad, brother, SIL, niece) but I'm warming up to it. He'd love to have a HUGE wedding with 200 if he could, though.

We're still a little ways off. I think we're aiming for being married around 30, just so that we're well on our way in both of our careers prior to planning to have children. Of course, things don't necessarily have a way of following our perceived timeline!

[DubaiSis]

My husband thought it was crazy that we were doing the whole wedding and having wedding showers (we had 4 which was low for my hometown - my oldest sister had 12) and making people buy us gifts. We're old! Hey, it might be his second wedding, but it's my first, and I plan on it being my last! Little did he know. At some point I think I finally told him how much the plates cost that he eats off every night, but I didn't for A LONG time because he'd have had a heart attack that anyone spent that much money on us. Why not use Villeroy and Boch for every day? It's not like it's Lenox. That was just a cultural divide. He was from a family with no money and his first wife, although rich, was (apparently) pretty rednecky.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by agzg

Yes. Just make sure you write his FIRST AND LAST NAME on the response card.

After reading this thread, that's the first thing I thought of when I saw the RSVP card

Something I noticed about those, though.. I don't think I've ever seen one with more than 1 line. Usually they read:

M___________

# attending ____
Meal ____

.. Or something like that.

There's really only room for one name on those cards, unless you create another line of your own, or squish everything onto the one line provided. I can see how people bringing a guest might forget to specify who they're bringing.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

After reading this thread, that's the first thing I thought of when I saw the RSVP card

Something I noticed about those, though.. I don't think I've ever seen one with more than 1 line. Usually they read:

M___________

# attending ____
Meal ____

.. Or something like that.

There's really only room for one name on those cards, unless you create another line of your own, or squish everything onto the one line provided. I can see how people bringing a guest might forget to specify who they're bringing.

Write it in the white space!

[TonyB06]

I'm amazed at some of the thread responses.

If an invite is for "Mr./Mrs.," or "X and guest," then that's two people --not the uninvited kids/friends of the two invited. I mean, the couple, or whoever is funding the wedding, has to pay for each plate/meal at the reception, so it's bad form, IMO, among a number of reasons, to show up w/ crew in tow if the invite was only for two.

It would be unfortunate, but I'd have no problem turning away extra, uninvited people -- because, in reality, they'd be taking up the places of other invited guests.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Speaking of kids, I am a HUGE FAN of childfree weddings. I wish more people would forbid children from the wedding and reception. I love that many of my friends did that.

Amen!

I don't even know why people bring them. If and when I have kids, the last place I want to bring them to is a wedding. And if they're infants/toddlers, forget about it! The thought of having to keep them quiet during the ceremony, feed them at dinner, and watch after them while everyone drinks and dances is not my idea of a good time.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Amen!

I don't even know why people bring them. If and when I have kids, the last place I want to bring them to is a wedding. And if they're infants/toddlers, forget about it! The thought of having to keep them quiet during the ceremony, feed them at dinner, and watch after them while everyone drinks and dances is not my idea of a good time.

Like so many other things, I think this is contextual -- it all depends on the kind/tone of wedding/reception and, to be honest, the specific kids and the parents.

We've been invited to weddings without kids and we've been invited to weddings where not only were the kids invited, but where the bride and/or groom made it a point to say "I hope you're coming" to our kids. I've been to weddings where I was more than happy to leave the kids at home, and I've been to weddings where I was glad to have the kids along. If nothing else, it's a great opprtunity to help them learn how to act at events like that.

There were children at our wedding, and we loved them being there. They had fun helping the groomsmen decorate my car. For me, my wedding wouldn't have been as much fun without kids there. But then, we both tend to prefer multi-generational gatherings. We both come from a background that would look as weddings as a gathering of family and community, and children are part of the family and the community. (I don't say that as a criticism at all of how other people might view weddings, just as an identification of our perspective.)

Like I noted up-thread, dinner receptions have only become common around here in the last 10-15 years, and I still don't know that they can be considered the norm. Dances were unheard of, unless it was a seperate dance after the formal reception. With the more traditional sort of reception around here, kids are rarely an issue or a problem.

But I think it's pretty simple. If the bride and groom don't want them there, then don't invite them, and guests should honor that. If they do invite them, but you don't want to take your own kids, don't.

[PhoenixAzul]

For the record, "Mrs." translates to "Wife of". So Mr and Mrs John Doe = Mr and Wife of John Doe. That is why it irks me a bit, because I'm not only not given my own name, but I'm demoted to being just "Wife of".

My husband and I have different last names (I'm a hyphen), so our invitations would go
Ms. Firstname Phoenix-Azul
and
Mr. Husband ZZZZZZ

Because the first letter of the first part of my last name (still with me?) is alphabetically higher than his last name.

I always laugh when we get things addressed to "Mr and Mrs Phoenix-Azul," and my husband blanched at it the first time it happened. I told him that that's how women have felt for thousands of years.

When we got married, I aimed for a middle ground. For my friends, I did just BoyFirst and LadyFirst Lastname (going with the alphabetical rule). For my parents friends I did the Mr. and Mrs. BoyFirst Lastname (which killed me to do, but it wasn't worth the fight). I was fortunate that a lot of my friends either had distinguishing titles or different last names, and it saved me some anxiety.