Inviting a +1 to a wedding
 

My friend asked me my advice on this, and seeing as I have very little wedding experience I figured I'd pose the question to GC.

He's in one of his friends wedding in late October and wanted to bring a guest, which is okay with the bride/groom.

How far in advance should you ask someone to be your +1 to a wedding?

I would think anytime before the R.S.V.P. date so the wedding throwers can plan for that +1.

In the same vain, when is it appropriate to invite a +1? Is it like a standard thing or only when the invitation asks for your # of guests? I have not been to many weddings so this has never come up for me.

I'm in the same boat you are...my last wedding my was dad's 11 years ago, but now all of my friends are starting to get engaged and have babies etc, so I'm also curious about the etiquette. The more you know...:)

The invitation should make it clear. The inside envelope will say Christiangirl and guest or something to that effect. Every person who is invited, even if unnamed, should be listed. As a family, an invitation to my parents might have side "Dubaisis Family" or Dubaisis, DubaiMom, DubaiDad, Dubai Oldestsis, etc., all spelled out. Unless you are a family member or they know you have a bunch of mutual friends attending the wedding, it would be pretty rude to NOT allow you a +1.

As far as when the guest should invite the +1, if it's a long time SO, go ahead and RSVP early. The bride will appreciate it. If you are gonna have to go trolling for a date, I'd probably wait until fairly last minute so you don't end up with an embarrassing sitch of having to change your +1. But still, presuming you're good friends, you could advise the bride that you are definitely attending, but don't know yet about your +1. Waiting for those RSVPs to come in is freakishly stressful so anything you can do to let her know is a good thing.

This. Unless the invitation is addressed to christiangirl and guest, chritiangirl does not get to bring a +1.

That said, I have to disagree with it being rude for the hosts (traditionally the bride's family, but often not these days) to not allow a +1 unless they know you'll know many people there. Making up guests lists for weddings can require diplomacy on the level of the UN Security Council. I know that when I was a bachelor, I was invited to a number of weddings where I didn't know people and where I didn't get to bring a +1. I didn't think anything of it.

The general rule is that if you're inviting someone whom you know to be engaged or in a reasonably serious relationship, then the invitation should be for that person "and guest." Otherwise, it's completely up to the hosts and their diplomatic needs.

Apparently most people don't read etiquette books, because NO ONE has ever written "and guest," but everyone expects me to bring my bf.

2 sample conversations:

Wedding #1 - I showed up alone, as that's what I RSVP'ed for.
BRIDE: Oh, it's great to see you!! Where's [BF], is he having a good time.
ME: Oh, I didn't bring him, I didn't think he was invited.
BRIDE: OF COURSE he was invited!

...how the hell was I supposed to know that?!

WEDDING #2 - was a few hours away. I'm not a huge fan of long-distance driving, so I was hoping to bring my boyfriend. The invite didn't say anything about a guest, but I really wasn't sure if I wanted to drive 5 hours by myself, so I called the bride. (I know this is tacky, but I wasn't sure what else to do). She exclaimed that she just assumed that single guests would bring a date. Again, NOT noted on the invite/RSVP card.


Seriously, is it something in my generation's water?! I've been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years now, so I kind of assume most people know I would like to bring him, but it still makes me nervous for those people that DO know etiquette and are not putting +1 because (gasp), they don't want me to bring anyone!

I mostly call other guests with boyfriends and see what's on their card, if none have bf's name or plus one, I go ahead and take BF, but if they do, I assume I should go alone. It is an imperfect system, for sure.

Also, make sure you write your guest's FULL NAME on the RSVP card. That way if the bride and groom are doing place cards they have it, and if they keep a spreadsheet of guests + gifts and addresses (like I did for my friend's shower), they have the full name for thank you notes.

Although, it's been forever since I've received an invitation as "agzg and guest." Live-in's stuck around long enough that my friends all know not only his first and last name, but middle and probably social security number or something. :p Facebook makes some things easier.

I should add that for weddings for his friends and family, they address it to both of us, as well.

They should be addressing the invitation to you and your boyfriend both if you're both invited, since you've been together longer than a year now.

Not to mention living together. But yep.

Oh I missed that they were living together. Yes - a live-in boyfriend/girlfriend should AT LEAST get a +1 invite, but the most polite is to address the invitation to both you + boyfriend or girlfriend.

Unless they don't want the boyfriend/girlfriend there. :p In which case, forget about the invite all together.

Wedding etiquette is just pathetic so much more often than it should be. I got a wedding invitation once that had no RSVP card in it at all. I mentioned it to her since whoever was doing the invitations forgot this important piece. Turns out, no RSVP was required or requested. It turned out to be THE WORLD'S MOST REDNECK wedding. There was a guy in a black mesh t-shirt there. And he wasn't laughed outta the joint.

I attended another wedding once that didn't use RSVPs, but it turned out it's because once you have EVERYONE on the planet there, do you really need to put an exact number on it? They had easily 600 people at this wedding reception.

HA! But if they're not requiring RSVPs, is that really a faux pas? Perhaps they should have just put on the invitation "No RSVP required, bring your mama too."

According to Miss Manners, you shouldn't even have RSVP cards; the guest should reply himself or herself. And you're supposed to follow the wording of the invitation: "Miss Jane Doe accepts the invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John Smith for August 22, 2011, for 7:00." In blue or black ink on white or ivory paper.

My cousin once received an invitation like that, only her reply was a little chattier, and her husband's aunt, who was the mother of either the bride or the groom (I forget which), called her up and chewed her out over it. So much for etiquette.

Well, you're right. The lack of RSVP itself wasn't the faux pas, but trust me when I tell you they had plenty of others.

Technically, as Shellfish notes, an RSVP card isn't required even if an RSVP is expected. For that matter, the phrase "RSVP" isn't required. It was added as a reminder to those who apparently didn't know that one should always RSVP. And the cards were put in to make it easier for people to remember to RSVP and actually do it.

That said, let me tell you about the small Southern town of my youth. This was the normal practice when I was growing up: Unless the wedding was truly going to be private (family and maybe close friends), it was understood that everyone in town was invited. Literally. Invitations were only sent to out-of-town guests and family/close friends in town (because, of course, they'd want to see it). A few weeks before the wedding, a copy of the invitation would appear (1) in the church bulletin of the bride's church (and the groom's if he was from town), and (2) in the town newspaper. No, I'm not making this up. Depending on the time of year, the Wednesday paper could have two or three invitations in it.

This system actually worked quite well. Because this was how things had always been done, one could predict how many would really attend fairly well. Many if not most people would RSVP informally, like if they ran into the bride's mother at the grocery store and said "We're so looking forward to the wedding." And sometimes, when friends of the bride's mom would ask "what can I do to help," the answer was "Call A-C in the phone book." What this meant was calling "everyone" (all involved knew who to call) to say "So-and-so asked me to call to say she's hoping you'll be at the wedding next Saturday." This gave a good general count as well.

It has to be remembered that sit-down-meal receptions were unheard of. (I think I was in my late 20s or early 30s before I ever went to a reception where there was a true meal, and in that case, the bride's family was from "away.") The typical reception was held in the church hall, at the country club or maybe another similar venue, or at the bride's home. The food was all finger food, though it could be substantial finger food. No alcohol if the reception was at a church (unless it was the Episcopal church).

And don't even get me started on the newspaper write-ups. They could cover half a page.