Open Letter 8

[jojapeach]

Dear County Code Enforcement Unit:

I need you to hire 100% literate officers. Your officer delivered a notice on my door for XXX08 My Street. My address is XXX42 My Street. I believe the offending address is 3 houses down. Therefore, WTH is this notice doing on my door? I know... Your officer is an idiot!

[BlessedOne04]

Dear jojopeach,
ROFL CTHU!!!

Hope today was better

[jojapeach]

Dear Younger Family Member:

I'm proud that you decided to step up and facilitate our gift exchange of about 8 people. However, facilitate isn't a synonym for "manipulate". If you help facilitate and coordinate what's on the list, then the gift exchange should go off without a hitch. That means just forward the list(s) to the appropriate person(s). That doesn't mean modify the list to suit your (or your mom's or dad's) needs. If it did, I would've modified it myself in a selfish move, but that's not how I operate.

So, I politely and professionally asked you about it, and then, I sent a second email 8 days later since you ignored this first one. I can't help knowing you ignored me since you replied to the second email in 7 minutes. That simple reply was hilarious because I know you did not like my direct approach of calling you out in the second email. But if you weren't manipulating, why would you be upset? Bless yo' heart. Trust that I forgive yo' silly head, but I won't participate in another gift exchange just for you to twist it.

I'll see you on Christmas Day, and I'll try not to laugh at you.

[txdiva]

Dear E.H.,

I actually didn't think that you would respond. I thought that you might've forgotten about me. I'm surprised that you were looking for me a few years ago. I'm quite flattered! I guess we'll be playing email tag until we have some time to chat. Glad to have finally found you!


Dear J.B.,

I've been feeling kind of nostalgic, and you were on my mind lately. I thought I was "in the know" about everything, but then I just found out about you. I am so late, and I am so sorry. I'll be in touch soon.

Your homegirl,
K.

[Senusret I]

Dear ________,

I think it's funny how you told me you wouldn't accept my chat invitation because you have a jealous boyfriend.

Funny thing is, I just sent the chat request for business purposes....you work for us, after all...

But more importantly..... HAAAAAAA I STILL GOT IT! Twenty pounds later, I still got it!

Senusret I

[jojapeach]

Originally Posted by txdiva

Dear E.H.,

I actually didn't think that you would respond. I thought that you might've forgotten about me. I'm surprised that you were looking for me in the past couple of years. I'm quite flattered! I guess we'll be playing email tag until we have some time to chat. Glad to have finally found you!

Dear txdiva:

'Tis the season for reconnecting. I dig happy endings.

[nikki1920]

Dear leasing office:
thanks for working with me. But please fix the darn heat!

sincerely,
your resident.

[KAPPAtivating]

Dear PHIne Arse chick at work...okay, so we flirt a lot, but I have a few concerns:

1. I love the professional side of you, but I hate the after-work "hood" side of you.
2. Why did you let your boyfriend put his hands on you?
3. Why is he small enough to have a car seat?
4. Why is he a 40 yr. old gang banger?
5. Why does he not have a 401K or a 457B?
6. Why do I not think he knows what those are?

Please address 1-6 and then get back at me...HOLLA!

[NinjaPoodle]

Dear Sistergreek,

You are AWESOME and I subscribed.

[christiangirl]

Dear information line,

Thank you for not keeping me on hold for five years like you did the last time I called. Very kind.

CG

[nikki1920]

Dear Alpha Men:
Happy Founders' Day!
*the spot I have for ya'll is still small, though*

Love,
Nikki1920

[christiangirl]

Dear Ignorant Pale Person:

These are a few tips I am providing free of charge. Please adhere to these guidelines as though your life depends on them because, if you keep talking the way you're talking, it just might someday.

1. Speaking Standard English in a clipped, Californian accent does not make me sound "white." In the same vein, it is NEVER appropriate to call a black person who speaks this way "white black."

2. Using a deeper Southern accent, unstructured grammar, and slang does not make me sound "more black."

3. Unlike you, I naturally swing between the two because I have lived in both places and thus change the way I speak depending from which part of the country the friend I am talking to has come. It is not for the purpose of sounding "more white" or "more black" but rather just blending in with whom I am speaking. The same way, that time you spoke to the girl with a heavy British accent, you began to sound like a cracked-out Spice Girl. It was involuntary, I'm sure.

4. Purposely abandoning all sense of grammatical structure, doing inane things like inserting a "z" where an "s" should go, and repeatedly saying "yo" will not help you "relate to me on an ethnic level."

5. Should you do any of the above things again, the above rules will be LOUDLY stated to your face, thus hopefully causing you a great deal of public shame.

Class dismissed,
CG

[Lyrical1908]

Dear Project Director,

Take your owl looking ass the fuck on from my desk area talking shit. I am NOT as uninformed as you think I am, and please know, I know EXACTLY what's going on. You DON'T know what the fuck you're talking about, and don't get it twisted, I'M the reason we've been able to get the inspections as smoothly as we have. Yeah, Ozzie might be your boy, but I'm his SISTA, so who do you think his allegiance is to?

Bitch. I can't wait for this shit to be over so I don't have to look at your Birdy McBeakypants face again.

Peace,
Lyrical1908

[Spinderella]

Dear most lovely co-worker,

Your jealousy knows no bounds does it? I mean come on, you are making yourself look really bad by all the degrading things you say about me and others behind our backs all in an effort to deflect attention from your ineptness.

We don't care not one iota about what you do, when you do it, or how you do it...as long as it doesn't affect us, our paychecks or our relationships with our boss.

But I am putting you on notice...our boss is now seeing you for what you are and who you are, so I am convinced that your little 'district mole' role will not gain you any favor come 2009. Granted you are gorgeous to look at. Your smile is sirenlike, and your voice drips honey sugar but your words, your words are bitter, venom that is poison to any ear that hears them. You are nothing but a spreader of gossip, innuendo and outright lies.

I have never heard/seen such garbage wrapped in so beautiful a package...its actually frightening. Even moreso frightening, is the fact that you have gone out of your way to target us, your 'sistas'.

Accept it hater...the hater-nation you have tried to create is about to crumble at your feet. Our boss is about to squirt lemon in your bowl to breakdown some of that killer hyperglycemic syrup you've been serving.

No weapon formed, shall prosper...meaning that mouth of yours.

Merry X-mas, and I do mean 'X'. Dear lovely, gorgeous co-worker, there is nothing Christ-like about you.

[jojapeach]

Dear God:

I keep trying to remember that I'm very fortunate and very blessed to be employed. I drive by that closed GM plant in Doraville everyday, so I know I'm blessed. But can you help the other colleagues that could make my job better? Can you help them realize that shouldn't have apathy towards us other colleagues who are just trying to do our jobs just like they are? Stop making my job so effin' hard!!!

Now I see why there are corporate types who leave their jobs to be happy baristas at Starbucks. And there's three of those near me hiring.


Dear SisterGreek Colleague:

I wanna smack you. You should know better about "Excuses" in all areas of life, so stop slinging that "I'm a MIP Greek" bullisht at me. Besides, you have the potential to get my boss pi$$ed at me b/c you're slacking. You must know that's not about to happen. If there's a choice between you and me going under the bus, best believe it won't be me with tire tracks on my back.