December 7, 2004
Mr. Santa Claus
Pres./CEO - Secular Christmas Inc.
North Pole, Arctic Circle
Dear Santa,
I know, I know. It's been a few years since I've dropped you a line. I couldn't find an E-Mail address, so I guess I'll have to just post my letter on the web.
Hopefully though, my sincerity will permeate through this letter, yet not be overpowered by my cynicism. If possible, try to disregard minutia like my being 35 and theoretically not covered anymore under your toy/gift distribution plan. As a matter of fact, I wasn't ever really sure exactly when coverage stopped. I believe it was some time after the OPEC crisis and before the year my parents stopped claiming me as a dependent on their tax return. Have your people call my people and we'll do lunch to straighten that one out. In any event, I would appreciate it if you would push me to the front of the line on these requests. Bobby, Lucy, and little Kip can wait this time...this is rather important.
I've talked about these issues numerous times with Jesus, had some Islamic friends kick it back and forth with Allah. I passed along the word to some of my Jewish counterparts and even petitioned a Jehovah's Witness after I reluctantly bought one of those magazines, waking me up last Saturday morning.
My true inspiration though came from a little Nubian Princess... er... uh... "African-American girl" if you're not current in my vernacular. I asked her, "What would you do to make the world
right for all African-Americans?" She said, "I don't know." I responded, "Well then, who would know? Whom would you ask?" In her unmitigated innocence and inimitable charm she shot back with, "Santa Claus, 'cause he makes everyone happy!."
Hmm...
Now don't get me wrong, 'Mr. Happy-Maker', but I had my reservations about approaching you with my dilemma. First of all, I'm not sold on the "he makes everyone happy" viewpoint. I'm not quite ready to co-sign. I seem to remember too many Christmases as a child with clothes as presents when I asked for the latest Tyco slot car track. I also remember a bunch of Christmases as an adult when I got toys as presents when I needed some clothes. Lastly, you've been conspicuously absent from 'our' neighborhoods when the children needed you most. Contrary to popular misconception, Black on Black crime is the dominant scenario, not Black on Claus.
Just FYI...
There has never been a reported incident of a Sled-Jacking...ever.
Maybe someone got vicked, uh, got "victimized" in ancient Norse
history; but nothing all that recent. You know, maybe the warrior
Eric the Red was cruising the strip, "chillin'" or hanging out with
the homies...er uh friends that is; trying to catch some honeys, I
mean ladies... conquering the frozen tundra, et. al. circa 1000 A.D., and got caught "slippin'". I'm sorry Santa, "was found to be unaware" at a stoplight on the wrong side of La Brea in Iceland. And subsequently, he got "jacked"...as in hi-jacked Santa.
I know it's hard, but try to stay with me. My point is that sled
insurance should be pretty low. You've had no excuse forsaking the children. Excuses are tools of the incompetent.
Anyhow, my list is short and pretty straight-forward. If you could
help out it would be greatly appreciated.
Greatly, greatly appreciated.
1. End Black on Black Crime - Maybe increasing the scope of your toy distribution in the local 'hoods...er uh 'neighborhoods' may
stimulate more creative interaction between my African-American
children. And yes, that does mean working East of Figueroa and just South of Slauson when you come to L.A. I strongly encourage more Africentric toys and Black History stories/books. It would promote a stronger tie between our children to our glorious history. The contributions of African-Americans to America and the rest of this world are far more than cotton, peanuts and one man who had a dream. The whole world needs to know; but who will tell our story if we ourselves are ignorant of it? Ignorance and hatred are inextricably linked; thus ignorance of self can only have one end result.
Ya' feel me? I mean...wouldn't you agree?
2. End the Anti-Affirmative Action Movement - Granted, a high
percentage of your constituents are crumb snatchers (read: children) of the ultra-conservative sympathizers of this movement. But believe it or not, much of the country will follow your lead. It would be nice to see some Black elves in management capacities. In fact, it would be nice to just see some Black elves, period.
Too much of society has misconstrued Affirmative-Action as filling
quotas or reverse racism.
I offer this analogy...
Imagine a road race between the different races of the world. One group is given a 400+ year head start to accumulate as much economic, political and social power as humanly possible. Then, as the other race joins in to catch the leader; a plea is made for 'equality' across the board. You do understand that Executive Order 11246 does apply to your business, regardless of your non-profit status?! I'm not talking about tokenism either ... I'm talking Eracism. (Erasing Racism) Also, dropping a few copies of Eldridge Cleaver's 'Soul On Ice,' or my favorite, Race Matters by Dr. Cornel West under George Bush's and Jesse Helms' grandchildren's tree couldn't hurt either. If hatred is taught and bred from ignorance, who says we can't plant a new seed here and there? Especially since those old weeds just won't go away on their own, it's worth a try.
3. End Racism - Logical segue from my last request. A lot of Black
folk are still perturbed at your treatment of Rudolph back in the day (read: many years ago). You and your staff ridiculed him because his nose was a different color.
But!
When you're in "it" up to your gelatin-like gut...and I don't mean
snow; there you are using Rudolph to pull your sleigh and save your job. Did Rudolph get a promotion? No! Still pulling your sleigh while you still get the glory. Rudolph got one carol, (or plantation spiritual, whichever your preference) and little else.
4. Expand Black History Month to Year-round observance. If one man in a red suit gets a month+ (Thanksgiving to New Year's) just because he selectively drops off toys in middle America and up, then it shouldn't be too much to ask for a race of people to get a continuous observance. We already have year-round schools, let's make this happen too. Let's put the "Merry" and "Happy" back into the holidays for all of us. Remember what I said in #1 about ignorance and hatred.
On a side note, Jesus Christ is not all too happy either with you for deflecting the holiday focus away from him...the true meaning of Christmas. His letter is forthcoming.
Now see, I told you my list was short and to the point. It could be
much longer but there will be many more Christmases, ergo many more Christmas lists to come. Besides, I want to allow you to start off slow...making sure there is room for a complete and thorough job. Next year we'll deal with, including yet not limited
to Black male/female relationships, the African-American economic
infrastructure, racially biased educational testing, role models, etc.
I understand how you can be a little apprehensive given the tone in which I've approached you. But keep in mind that you exist or will continue to exist only through the love of the children, including the little African Kings and Queens you have been remiss with as of late.
At least one little girl still thinks you're "da' shiznit" (read: a
really swell person). I ask that you help bring back some of the
innocence for our children so they can truly be children. Or, better equip them for becoming productive adults in this society. Our children still look up to you, so you still have a responsibility.
By the way, did I mention that I could use a new suit or two? Since I have your attention, I might as well put in for me personally too. Besides, you never gave me my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots I asked for back in '74. I'm sure you remember.
If you can't get the suit(s), how about a date (or two) with
actresses Victoria Dillard and/or Joy Bryant? Can you do requests
like that? That would be pimpalicious of you if you could.
Thank you for your time. Say hello to the Mrs. for me. Tell her
to "drop it like it's hot" for you sometime. Trust me, you'll owe me
one if/when she does. Wait...nevermind, don't say that. Just tell her I said hello.
Respectfully,
Morris W. O'Kelly
(Kay and Morris' son from Harbor City, CA)
Morris W. O'Kelly is a freelance entertainment writer who
writes content for entertainment personality websites and national media. You can always reach him at: dark.gable@sbcglobal.net. He welcomes all comments.
can you, FOR ONCE, take something serious? but hey, if you can't, i won't so don't trip when i break out and leave you stuck out. now what??
BAMA!!!!!
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