Joint account or separate account

[Cen1aur 1963]

Originally Posted by BluPhire

Whatever you are comfortable with. There is no right answer. Joint works for some marriages, separate works for others. That's one of those dealbreakers that needs to be discussed before saying I do.

This is pretty much what it is.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Both.

Joint accounts for joint expenses. Separate accounts for separate expenses.

I like the idea of having two accounts, but I'd rather "divy up" the whole thing. She has her account and I have mine. I also believe in splitting up the bills. I pay half of the bills and she pays the other half. I could see later opening up a savings if we had kids, but I'd rather do two separate accounts because bills and other expenses can be handled that way, too.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

All our money goes in the same pot, but all our accounts are in my name. Husband is stereotypical Latino that doesn't like banks. He's got a credit card, but prefers to use cash for everything anyway.

Our finances work just fine because he feels like I make more, so I should be able to spend more, and I just consider it all "our money". This will get interesting when I'm in school and have ZERO income for 9 months. At least our living expense money is coming from the equity in the house which is in my name, so I'll feel like I'm contributing...maybe?

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Joint only -two accounts, a savings and a checking, but both accounts will be joint accounts.

Premarital counseling is important, but I just think that it’s much more to it than that. A lot of couples do seek counsel, but the bottom line -a lot will depend on aligning with the right partner in the right way at the right time if it’s going to work. I just think it’s important choosing someone who is like me, yet different –being the same in his inner core but different in function. Temperaments and occupations can be different, but our values need to be as similar as possible. Opposites attract, but in most cases, they cannot maintain a long-term connection because they are not really compatible, even if they seem to agree on things when meeting with a counselor. In order for that marriage to be secure, whether you choose a joint account or individual accounts, you (in general) and your partner must operate from the same platform. You can find that out simply by letting time do its work, because the personality that was hidden from you before eventually comes to the forefront. I’d rather wait to see those things before I even make it to premarital counseling. But that’s just me.

As I was reading about this topic, I found all the comments to be interesting, but they all were saying the same thing except you two. I think these comments were cool back in the day and worked for people back then, but the world is different now. Both women and men are working, and more women are doing better than men financially now, so I think it's natural for both men and women to have their own just incase. It doesn't mean they don't trust each other, and it doesn't mean their marriage is going to fail, it's just a safety net because like the saying goes "shit happens" LOL. I laughing but it's true.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

You're still two individual people so you might go in thinking "I'm not going to bail" but how do you know he isn't going to do in with that attitude? Why do you think people get prenups? It's a safety measure. I see what you and Cheerful Greek are saying, but we don't live in that kind of society anymore. If that's working for y'all then I'm all for you doing what works for you, I just don't see that as covering yourself very well.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

As I was reading about this topic, I found all the comments to be interesting, but they all were saying the same thing except you two. I think these comments were cool back in the day and worked for people back then, but the world is different now. Both women and men are working, and more women are doing better than men financially now, so I think it's natural for both men and women to have their own just incase. It doesn't mean they don't trust each other, and it doesn't mean their marriage is going to fail, it's just a safety net because like the saying goes "shit happens" LOL. I laughing but it's true.


You're still two individual people so you might go in thinking "I'm not going to bail" but how do you know he isn't going to do in with that attitude? Why do you think people get prenups? It's a safety measure. I see what you and Cheerful Greek are saying, but we don't live in that kind of society anymore. If that's working for y'all then I'm all for you doing what works for you, I just don't see that as covering yourself very well.

See previous post where everything is in my name, except one credit card.

Seriously, I'll admit I might feel different if my name wasn't on everything, but I'll also say that if my husband ever changed his mind, I would haul him down to the bank the next day and put his name on everything.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

Why do you think people get prenups? It's a safety measure.

Prenups and day to day accounts are two VERY different issues. If I was living at the family farm that had been in our family since the War of 1812, no matter how much I trusted and loved the guy, I would get a prenup just to keep family peace.

Day to day and how you handle it is all about you two. Prenups are often not.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

but the world is different now.

I don't choose my partner (potential husband) based on "worldy" views/values. Let's get that part straight before you continue to post/respond to me about this topic.

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

Both women and men are working, and more women are doing better than men financially now, so I think it's natural for both men and women to have their own just incase. It doesn't mean they don't trust each other, and it doesn't mean their marriage is going to fail, it's just a safety net because like the saying goes "shit happens" LOL. I laughing but it's true.

Of course I believe that partnership should bring financial increase. I also understand that most couples have two incomes to share. I just think that the goal should be to live on one income (our incomes as one) then, to save and give from the other (a savings account)...again, one income (our incomes as one). But it's not just about finances for me. It's about patience and doing my homework to know if it's someone I am compatible with, as I posted before. Did you read it?

I want to know more than just how he handles money and the whole joint or separate accounts thing. I want to know what he wants his life to look like over time. I might find that my goals are different. How does he spend his money? How does he handle stress? How does he speak to me and others? Is he sensitive and considerate to my needs? What is his attitude toward my views, goals, and gifts? Is he a man of discipline –faithful to keep his word? What is his reputation like at church, at work, among his family and friends? What is his relationship with God like? What is his sense of community at work and church as well as at home? It’s more about just finances to me, and this is just a short list. In other words, by the time I reach the altar, I should already know or have a very good idea what kind of man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

What you (in general) believe about the possibilities of the relationship as well as what you believe about your partner will affect how your relationship works. I believe that there is faith in love. People bail out of love, bad health happens, money issues devastate relationships, etc. The list of things that can damage or destroy a marriage is long, it's not just finances. Yet love can prevail in the midst of trying circumstances. It comes down to commitment. Emotions follow decisions, so if there is no “out” clause in your mind, heart, or spirit, you can create determination to work through whatever changes come (provided there is no cheating, verbal, and or physical abuse involved. I’m not putting up with that). Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. The things we build are devastated when we don’t adhere to the promises we make. The home, the family unit, the children, and all that goes into the making of a marriage suffer when promises made are not promises kept. All of this is a matter of faith (to me). We adhere to what we believe. We abandon anything we have no faith in, and you can only take hold of what you envision through the eyes of your belief. I believe in who I have chosen as my partner for several reasons, but mainly because we have similar values and beliefs. Faith in my relationship, in my partner, and in the ability of God to keep what I cannot keep myself will help me stand firm even if the foundation is shaking. Again, it's about being "like-minded"...Christian beliefs or not. "Shit happens" when you don't have enough patience to do your homework.

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

I see what you and cheerfulgreek are saying,

No you don't.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

If you're that far apart on money, IMO you shouldn't get married in the first place. It's SO much heavier than people realize. Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship. Maybe you're not fighting-fighting, but you're still feeling the disapproval of the other person.

(Thanks heaven that I learned this lesson in my very first serious relationship.)

I won't argue that point. He can be a selfish little prick. I don't know what they see in each other.

[Cen1aur 1963]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

See previous post where everything is in my name, except one credit card.

Seriously, I'll admit I might feel different if my name wasn't on everything, but I'll also say that if my husband ever changed his mind, I would haul him down to the bank the next day and put his name on everything.

LOL your situation is different. I think for you it's all good because your husband (based on what I read) is from a different culture than this culture. This culture is mostly about that dough.

Originally Posted by 33girl

Prenups and day to day accounts are two VERY different issues.

Not really.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Prenups and day to day accounts are not that different for many people. Prenups are another way of preserving personal assets just as with having a separate account or separate investments. Preserving personal assets covers any change in the relationship.

This.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Pre-nups; separate accounts; and separate investments all protect oneself or family/kids (for those who have family/kids to protect). Protection is protection regardless of who is being protected and where the resources are coming from. That's what Centaur1963 was saying.

This is exactly what I was saying.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Did you read it?

I want to know more than just how he handles money and the whole joint or separate accounts thing. I want to know what he wants his life to look like over time. I might find that my goals are different. How does he spend his money? How does he handle stress? How does he speak to me and others? Is he sensitive and considerate to my needs? What is his attitude toward my views, goals, and gifts? Is he a man of discipline –faithful to keep his word? What is his reputation like at church, at work, among his family and friends? What is his relationship with God like? What is his sense of community at work and church as well as at home? It’s more about just finances to me, and this is just a short list. In other words, by the time I reach the altar, I should already know or have a very good idea what kind of man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

LOL damn, you don't have to get all mad about it. I feel you, but a lot of people think they know the person, sometimes all the way up to 25 years of marriage, and still find something out they didn't know before. There have been folks who have been married for years, and still divorced, mainly because someone was cheating. One of my frat brothers parents got a divorce when he was in college. They had been married for over 20 years. Just because you make it to the altar and you think you know a dude, doesn't mean he's going to hang around. In fact you might decide to leave. Who knows? Just sayin'. Then you mentioned family. Of course he's going to have a good rep with in his family, I would think. When I meet a girl who I eventually want to marry, I'm going to marry her, not her family. No offense, but you're too complicated, LOL.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

I feel you, but a lot of people think they know the person, sometimes all the way up to 25 years of marriage, and still find something out they didn't know before.

I agree.

This is one of the many things in life that does not work in formulas. There are a lot of happy people and happy marriages. However, it isn't as though everyone who thinks they have the answer for their life and marriage are all correct. A lot of people are shocked because they thought they did everything as it should be done. Even with a faith base, that can breed a lot of bitterness and animosity because people are wondering what works if how they lived their life and handled their marriage didn't work.

Religiosity and Spirituality + strong family background + strong presence in church and community + excellent career CAN STILL EQUAL horrible marriage and inevitable divorce. It can also equal happy marriage and eventual divorce.

Also, everyone's happy when things are happy. How you really know people and know the strength of a union is to see how things are when shit hits the fan and things are miserable. Finances, illnesses, infidelity (not everyone cheats), getting a little tired of each other for seemingly superficial reasons, etc.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

LOL damn, you don't have to get all mad about it. I feel you, but a lot of people think they know the person, sometimes all the way up to 25 years of marriage, and still find something out they didn't know before. There have been folks who have been married for years, and still divorced, mainly because someone was cheating. One of my frat brothers parents got a divorce when he was in college. They had been married for over 20 years. Just because you make it to the altar and you think you know a dude, doesn't mean he's going to hang around. In fact you might decide to leave. Who knows? Just sayin'.

Cen1aur, I was not mad at you, at all. Believe me, if I didn't like you for whatever reason, I wouldn't even chat with you or respond to you. I was just posting what I believe and what I feel strongly about, that's all I was doing.

In response to your post, I don't know your fraternity brother's parents, so I don't know what kind of marriage they had. Also, know that you can never take your relationships for granted. Relationships have to be maintained just like the rest of your life. Too much, too little, too late, is usually the story in too many relationships where couples chose to coast, assuming no news was good news. No news usually means your mate has just found a way to compensate for whatever need you (in general) are not meeting. Should she/he reach a point that the other becomes more satisfying, guess what? -you will be replaced. I'm not justifying women or men seeking fulfillment outside of their marriages, it's just that relationships that are not diligently maintained can crumble.

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

Then you mentioned family. Of course he's going to have a good rep with in his family, I would think. When I meet a girl who I eventually want to marry, I'm going to marry her, not her family.

Yes, I did mention family, and no he may not have a good reputation with his family. Or better yet, his family may not be all together themselves. It's just that for me, where a man comes from has a lot to do with how he will function in relationships. I just think it's important to decide if you like what you see. I want to see how he relates to his parents, his siblings, and others with whom he has significant relationships. Is there a positive connection? All negative links will affect your interaction with this person. You may not be marrying the family, but you will be inheriting their issues. -the negative energy will be transferred to you. In other words, the issues he has with his mother will become issues he has with me. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't get involved with some guy who comes from a dysfunctional family.

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

No offense, but you're too complicated, LOL

No offense taken. I just think it's important to have standards because these standards affect your compatibility and your ability to sustain a long-term relationship. It's just that in order for your relationship to be secure, I just think it's important to operate from the same platform. Therefore, there should be some nonnegotiables about anyone you consider connecting to.

And again, no I wasn't mad at you. Okay?

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by 33girl

If you're that far apart on money, IMO you shouldn't get married in the first place. It's SO much heavier than people realize. Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship. Maybe you're not fighting-fighting, but you're still feeling the disapproval of the other person.

(Thanks heaven that I learned this lesson in my very first serious relationship.)

Agreed completely...I've heard many stories where money arguments end the relationship. Money touches so many parts of daily lives (job, mortgage/rent, bills, groceries).

I agree with everyone else that whether you do one account or separate accounts, there is no one correct answer. My wife and I have been married a little over 6 years, and that was one of the first issues we worked out after getting married.

[DrPhil]

For the record, no one in this thread said anything about secret accounts and secret funds.

No one in this thread said anything they typed is based on a hostile financial situation or a lack of communication with their significant other.

Since even sharing your body has a constructed meaning, sharing everything else with your significant other has a constructed meaning.

[DrPhil]

Prenups and day to day accounts are not that different for many people. Prenups are another way of preserving personal assets just as with having a separate account or separate investments. Preserving personal assets covers any change in the relationship.

I hate using celebrities as an example but Jay-Z and Beyonce's prenup allegedly includes millions for when she takes a break from performing and has children. He is essentially paying her for having children since she cannot pay herself as she is accustomed to (regardless of whether that money is typically deposited into her separate account or a joint account).

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I hate using celebrities as an example but Jay-Z and Beyonce's prenup allegedly includes millions for when she takes a break from performing and has children. He is essentially paying her for having children since she cannot pay herself as she is accustomed to (regardless of whether that money is typically deposited into her separate account or a joint account).

I'm sure Beyonce stans will go out of their minds, baby bump or not lol

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/167...aby-bump.jhtml

/onlycontribution

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

I'm sure Beyonce stans will go out of their minds, baby bump or not lol

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/167...aby-bump.jhtml

/onlycontribution

LOL. Yeah she's fulfilling her commitments even with baby bump. However, Beyonce's performances and commitments will change throughout her pregnancy and once she gives birth in a few months.

Remember the Prince tribute in which Alicia Keys was on the piano. Prince and others were looking at Swizz Beats like "pleeeeease tell her to be careful!"

[33girl]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Prenups and day to day accounts are not that different for many people.

See my above example.

Assets you inherited and assets you made are very different. Since B didn't inherit shit, it isn't different for her.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by 33girl

See my above example.

Assets you inherited and assets you made are very different. Since B didn't inherit shit, it isn't different for her.

The average person in North America is not inheriting assets, let alone assets from 1812.

Most people don't inherit shit and that is particularly the case for people of particular socioeconomic statuses and disproportionately the case for racial and ethnic minorities. So, this topic should be understood and discussed from a range of life experiences and social statuses.

Assets you inherited and assets you made are the same thing if you consider it all your assets. These are all constructed legalities and constructed realities. When I inherit my parents' assets I will do so not because my parents want to keep peace in my family. Instead, as my parents have documented, my parents' goal is to divide their assets however they see fit. In turn, as they have also documented, my siblings and I can handle the assets that we attain as we see fit. That can include keeping the assets separate from our spouses or making legal adjustments to share these assets with our spouses. That includes selling assets and putting the money wherever we see fit. Therefore, these assets that we inherit are not that different from assets that we made ourselves.