Race issues/questions in children

[OneTimeSBX]

thank you Blutang...i appreciate the support! you only get one chance to make it right or wrong...i definately want her to grow up knowing her heritage (although still not too sure how to introduce the latina side, that part of her family even I havent met, and there is no contact with her father at all.)

my second daughter will be here in November, and i want HAPPY children that grow into HAPPIER adults! not the bitter, hate filled ones that grace us with their presence everyday in life

[LPIDelta]

You're her mom--she is going to follow your lead. If you tell her and show her and reienforce that everyone is beautiful, then she will grow into that belief...

I would guess that something happened at school or in another setting with children, and one them said someone was prettier than the other.... maybe ask her if something happened that makes her ask that question?

Good luck! It sounds like your heart is in a good place and that you want to do right by her. She is lucky!

[DSTRen13]

I am by no means a child psychologist, so take this for what it's worth, but I really think that an environment has a huge impact on a child. And I don't mean that you're doing something wrong. When I was little, we lived in a predominately black area and and my dad coached at a predominately black high school. Except for relatives, the women I knew were black. I thought that's what was beautiful.

[SWTXBelle]

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media. The same thing drives so many teen girls (and now, boys!) to eating disorders in a drive to fit what society (really, the media) decides is beautiful. I myself remember feeling simply horrible as a teen because I was small chested, short, and pear-shaped. Why didn't I look like the girls in the magazines?? Well, cause only about 3 percent of the population looks like that.
I think almost every parent has to deal with some form of their children not feeling they fit the standard. It's hard, but the fact that you are aware of the problem means you are well on your way to helping your daughter feel good about herself.
I have two daughters, both of whom are, in my totally unbiased opinion, beautiful. However, daughter #1 is short, brunette, and just had surgery on her lower jaw to correct a "bull dog bite". She has always felt overshadowed in the looks department by daughter #2 who is average height, blonde, blue-eyed, and the more conventionally beautiful. I had to tell my family when she was a child to NOT go on and on about her looks. Now that they are teens, daughter #1 is a TERRIFIC human being - caring, giving, intelligent, and wise beyond her years. Daughter #2, whom I love, is, I must say, more interested in being social. I really think she has been handicapped by her good looks - she can and does coast on them. Her grades aren't as good as #1, but she doesn't care. To tell the truth, she is not as loving and gracious as her sister. I'm not saying this is all because of her looks - but I have noticed that those who can coast on their appearance often do.
My point? Your daughter is so blessed to have a loving mother who is so concerned about her self-image. Let her know that appearance is one of the LEAST important things in terms of making you the person you are. It's largely a result of a spin of the genetic wheel. It's the things we all share in common - our intelligence, our compassion, our hopes and dreams, our love - that will make us truly beautiful. So she doesn't look like Barbie. GOOD. She has her own beauty that she doesn't need to share with anyone else. Bolster the things she can control - all of the aforementioned - and keep supporting her, and she will learn to celebrate the various cultures she is a part of. Good luck!

[Soliloquy]

While I have absolutely no child-rearing experience, outside of frequent babysitting, I'm also interracial. I'm in the grey area as far as appearence goes, I have olive skin, exotic features, black hair, hazel eyes etc. but that made it harder for me to identify with any particular group. I remember thinking the same things your daughter thought. However, I was blessed to have caring parents, like you, who taught that every race is beautiful- including those with multiple ethnic backgrounds.

My mom always said "it's not the color of their skin, hair, or eyes that makes them beautiful, it's their heart that makes them beautiful." Her phrase still rings in my head today and I really think she's responsible for making me so "color blind" while I dating or making friends.

But one of the things that helped me the most was when she would take me shopping. This really helped my personal outlook, because she would work so hard to point out the interracial features that made me unique and pretty. My mom is about as white as it gets and she would joke with me like "oh, I wish I could wear colors like that and look as good as you do, but I'm just too pale to pull it off! Look how lucky you are to have such a pretty complexion that you can wear that color" or something like "That pretty wavy hair of yours looks so pretty with that dress! You don't even need accessories, your dad and I gave you the best one!" When I started wearing make-up, she would tell me how I could blissfully pull off any color eyeshadow and my eyes would stand out; she would say how I didn't even need blush to make my cheekbones stand out because they are already so high and perfect. Granted a lot of what she said was superficial and could have possibly given me a rather large ego, it was just so nice hearing her be so positive with me while I was growing up. I think that her kind and sincere words really made me appreciate the way God decided to put my parents genes together to make me. I realized that I don't have to be Barbie to be gorgeous! Also, I really think the fact that my mom took time to point out specifics is what made the difference. She used that personalization in conjunction with her "phrases" to make everything she was teaching me identifiable. So even while I can still repeat her "phrases" word for word today, it was the personalization that followed, that made them so helpful and so memorable.


I hope my long rambling post has offered some insight and given you some ideas. I just identified with your little girl and had to post something!

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media.

This is what I would have said. When I was growing up, I always thought that to be beautiful in this world, you had to be blond & blue eyed. With my dark curly hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, I thought I was just ugly because I never saw anyone on TV (outside of Spanish television) that looked like me so I figured that to be considered beautiful, you had to be white.

Just make sure that you talk to her about how beauty comes in all colors and definitely try some of those books that someone suggested. They are great reads and I've used similar ones in my classroom with my students since I work in a very diverse area.

Good-luck!

[DeltAlum]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media.

I generally am angered by blaming "the media" for everything, but in cases like this, I can't disagree.

The majority of people we see in TV, in magazines and newspapers are still good looking white people. That's changing, but not quickly enough for many.

Does that make the media big bad people. Not really. They (we, actually since I work in TV -- in the live sports area) are for profit businesses and usually provide what the largest part of the audience "wants." What happens is pretty much what extensive market research dictates.

Is that good? Maybe not, but it's the way it is.

Will it change? Yes. When the audience signals that it isn't happy with the status quo anymore. The media, though, will always be reactive instead of proactive.

Maybe the most important thing to impart to your daughter(s) is that the entertainment media isn't real. "Reality TV" is a contradiction of terms. All she (they) really have to do is take a close look at their friends and their families to see that -- but I don't know that they will if someone doesn't point it out. Personally, I don't watch much TV, because when I'm off work, I don't want to be bothered with it, so I can't give an example, but it might be a good thing to point out to the young woman (women) the beautiful people of color who are more and more a part of entertainment shows.

Maybe that will help.

At least that's what I think.

Best of luck.

[Tom Earp]

It seems that racism comes from adults while younger childeren play together with out any thought of color.

If there is a question, many times they figure it out for themselves and go about playing together.

The age of growing up in segregated areas is getting smaller.

I kid some of my Black friends about having to go work to get a tan instead of having a natural one! I also dated an asian who did not like he coloring but I thought it was beautiful myself!

There are colors within so called colors!

[Wolfman]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i usually dont post personal threads, but since i have seen some highly intelligent answers on here, i thought i'd give it a shot.

i have a 6 1/2 year old daughter. her biological father is of mixed race, half black, half puerto rican. i, myself, am all black, but had both a white and indian great-grandmother. my daughter has that look that a lot of mixed race children have: the curly jet black hair, light skin. she is a beautiful child, not just because i am her mother, she has won various photo contests in our area (working on that college fund!) and has the greatest attitude.

last night, while watching something on TV, she looks up at me and asks, "why are white people prettier than black people?" i was truly stunned by her question and asked her why did she think that? she replied that they had better hair and skin. i pulled one of my Cosmo's off of the bedside table and started scrolling thru, asking her which girls were pretty, and which ones werent. the prettiest, she decided, was a blond haired, blue eyed girl. she didnt even give the girls who looked like her a second glance.

i was raised in the most un-racist household ever created. i have friends of all colors, and try to insure she has the same. still, i cant help but wonder, how do i handle this situation with her? i told her we would talk about it this weekend...i didnt want to put her off, but also want to go about it the correct way. any suggestions? do any of you have children with these issues? (i dont think it is a mixed-race thing, she has no clue of her latino/indian/white roots at all...)

Thanks for this thread! It--again--exposes something deeply ingrained in our society:that white supremecy is the "biosphere" in which we live. It's not so much the presence of overt forms of racial prejudice and racial epithets at play; but it's the sociocultural environment embodied in relationships,language, images, gestures, institutions,economics,social cues, etc.

Children are quite sophisticated in picking up on all this up. It effects all of us in various ways, whites and people of color alike. We, people of color, have accepted this value system, too.All Afro-cultures--African American,Afro-Carribean, Latino, Francophone,Portugese, etc. in different ways evidence this value system. It's especially telling in the American context where there is a black/white social binary.To raise a child as if were in a "colorblind" world is simply to reinscribe whiteness as the basic social value. For the psychological well-being of children of color (black,biracial,etc.) they have to be grounded in a positive,affirming worldview about "blackness," which historically and presently has associations with inferiority and subservience. It has to be intentional.

[Soliloquy]

Originally Posted by Wolfman

To raise a child as if were in a "colorblind" world is simply to reinscribe whiteness as the basic social value. For the psychological well-being of children of color (black,biracial,etc.) they have to be grounded in a positive,affirming worldview about "blackness," which historically and presently has associations with inferiority and subservience. It has to be intentional.

How is raising a child to be "color blind..reinscrib[ing] whiteness as the basic social value?"
Teaching children the values associated with color-blindness is a very commendable thing. It's the same thing as teaching children to not value someone based on their appearence! There is absolutely no way that is furthering a bias for whites. Hell, I am half German and half Pakistani! My parents taught me those values and as I have already said in this thread, I'm friends will all sorts of people. I don't care if your black, asian, european, spanish etc- if you're cool, we're friends! I had the same mentality when I was actively dating, and dated all sorts of guys. One of my best memories was dating this incredible guy from West Africa, he was a total romantic.

How have I furthered the white dominance by adhearing to colorblindness? Quite obviously, I haven't.

Also, if you pressure a child to value your particular race over another, you are creating prejudice and furthering racist views. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your ancestory, but I think it would be a terrible thing to groom children to believe they carry a supremacy because of their skin color. Thats the exact mentality that gave roots to the deep racism that runs rampant in the world.

[Jody]

One Time SBX

In one year I'm confident that you'll be bringing this post up to the top to let us know how well your daughter is progessing!

Good luck!

[Wolfman]

Originally Posted by Soliloquy

How is raising a child to be "color blind..reinscrib[ing] whiteness as the basic social value?"
Teaching children the values associated with color-blindness is a very commendable thing. It's the same thing as teaching children to not value someone based on their appearence! There is absolutely no way that is furthering a bias for whites. Hell, I am half German and half Pakistani! My parents taught me those values and as I have already said in this thread, I'm friends will all sorts of people. I don't care if your black, asian, european, spanish etc- if you're cool, we're friends! I had the same mentality when I was actively dating, and dated all sorts of guys. One of my best memories was dating this incredible guy from West Africa, he was a total romantic.

How have I furthered the white dominance by adhearing to colorblindness? Quite obviously, I haven't.

Also, if you pressure a child to value your particular race over another, you are creating prejudice and furthering racist views. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your ancestory, but I think it would be a terrible thing to groom children to believe they carry a supremacy because of their skin color. Thats the exact mentality that gave roots to the deep racism that runs rampant in the world.

Obviously, you didn't understand what I was saying. If you read closely I said this is not an issue of racial prejudice or a particular praxis associated with with this mindset. It's about the general tenor and environment of the society which is grounded in a particular value system which is the problem that has to be faced head on. Let me use another analogy to help you understand. Many Gays and Lesbians use the term "heterosexist" to describe the society, to help heterosexuals understand why they actively push their agenda in many ways. It's not simply about anti-gay acts of violence, prejudice or homophobia; it's about how society is geared to heterosexuals--institutionally,attitudinally/ideologically,economically, legally, etc.The system is stacked. This transcends how people interact interpersonally. It's like the broth which flavors all the meats and vegetables in a soup. Thus,in a crude way,to assert "colorblindness" as a social philosophy in a white supremicist context is to devalue "blackness" and other non-European construals of personhood. This has to do with history and the social values and arrangements which arose from them,not some pedantic interest.

In fact, the way you talk about it is a typically "white."(I say this non-pejoratively.) It has nothing to do with one's race/ethnicity. It's a worldview/value system. Because of my religious/theological commitments, social philosophy, and my experiences, I agree with what you're saying about how we should interact. That's how I actually live my life. I'm also a person of color in this society and understand the psychological complexity of navigating one's way in a healthy manner in a society based on white supremecist values. And it's not just an African American/ biracial issue. I've talked with Asian Americans who deal with similar issues, and I've also heard the term "white washed" used by South Asians. I could literally write a tome about this but I'll stop now. Thank you.

[FSUZeta]

when my children were young and would ask me questions that really threw me for a loop, such as "why is the sky blue, why is the grass green,etc." i would ask them what they thought- and they always had an answer, often much better than i could have come up with. it got me off the hook tons of times!

if the opportunity arises again and your daughter makes a similar comment, "mommy, why are white people prettier than black people" try saying,"why do you think?" and see what she has to say. that at least would give you more to go on. it is amazing what young children are thinking.

[carnation]

We've adopted 5 nonwhite daughters and let me say, there's some good advice on this thread! We've read the books, had the talks, and generally tried to promote the beauty of their cultures and others. However--it's very likely that this issue will resurface in the teens. There doesn't seem to be a teenager alive who likes his or her face or hair...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

if the opportunity arises again and your daughter makes a similar comment, "mommy, why are white people prettier than black people" try saying,"why do you think?" and see what she has to say. that at least would give you more to go on. it is amazing what young children are thinking.

I would agree to some point, however if this issue is not resolved in the parent, then, it will be confusing for the child. Some child's response could be so very painful as an African American woman that it is much easier to ignore it.

The other issue is rooting it out of our psyche. At this juncture, I do not have any more faith on our society to improve the psychological health of our children and youth.

What can we do collectively? Nothing. Basically, things cannot stay in disequilibrium. Somehow, someway, someday a balance will evolve and probably not in our lifetime or our children's.

After all the craziness and stress I have endured lately, I have lost my faith in people.