Race issues/questions in children

[Drolefille]

I don't think you need to make a directed response, although saying something like, "I think beautiful women come in all colors" might be a good idea. It's more important to look at the everyday exposure she has to people's ideas of beauty whether it's comments by friends and family or TV or magazines. Try to make sure she's hearing the right things and she may just internalize them.

[Still BLUTANG]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I don't think you need to make a directed response, although saying something like, "I think beautiful women come in all colors" might be a good idea. It's more important to look at the everyday exposure she has to people's ideas of beauty whether it's comments by friends and family or TV or magazines. Try to make sure she's hearing the right things and she may just internalize them.

depending on her surroundings and influences, she might need a daily dose of "black is beautiful" from her mom. if you don't get it in the home, where else is it going to come from?

[OneTimeSBX]

i wont say so much that she gets a daily dose of "black is beautiful" but i definately try to surround her with as many of those influences as i can. i want her to think that all cultures are beautiful, and that there isnt a superior one.

i read somewhere to focus more on culture and not race. there are blond haired, green eyed black women, so maybe she just needs to see that its not a "white thing" per se. its just a beauty thing.

[adpiucf]

I did a google search-- these are some age-appropriate books on color and diversity for your daughter that you can read together. You can address the issues and bond over story time. Black, White, Just Right! is about being from a mixed-race background.

Cisneros, S. (1994). Hairs = Pelitos. New York: Knopf.
Davol, M. W. (1993). Black, White, Just Right!. Morton Grove, IL: A. Whitman.
DeRolf, S. (1997). The Crayon Box That Talked. New York: Random House.
Harvey, K. (2002). When Chocolate Milk Moved In. Sterling, VA: Brookfield Reader.
Hoffman, M. (1991). Amazing Grace. New York: Dial Books for Young Readers.
Kates, B. J. (1992). We're Different, We're the Same: Featuring Jim Henson's Sesame Street Muppets. New York: Random House.
Katz, K. (1999). The Colors of Us. New York: Holt Rinehart & Winston.
Kissinger, K. (1994). All the Colors We Are: The Story of How We Get Our Skin Color. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press.
Parr, T. (2001). It's Okay to Be Different. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.
Seuss, Dr. (1961). The Sneetches, and Other Stories. New York: Random House.
Simon, N. (1976). Why Am I Different?. Chicago: A. Whitman.
Spier, P. (1980). People. Garden City, NY: Doubleday.
Tarplay, N. A. (1997). I Love My Hair!. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.
Wood, D., & Muth, J. J. (2003). Old Turtle and the Broken Truth. New York: Scholastic Press.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

depending on her surroundings and influences, she might need a daily dose of "black is beautiful" from her mom. if you don't get it in the home, where else is it going to come from?

Yes that's basically what I'm saying, you were much more eloquent in the post above me. As a mom/aunt/family member etc. you have the opportunity to counteract the influences you see as negative, and encourage the positive ones.

I was including the OP's influence on the child in my statement.

[Still BLUTANG]

OH! O.k. i think i read too quickly or misinterpreted what you said.

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Yes that's basically what I'm saying, you were much more eloquent in the post above me. As a mom/aunt/family member etc. you have the opportunity to counteract the influences you see as negative, and encourage the positive ones.

I was including the OP's influence on the child in my statement.

i really like this thread. i applaud you SBX! Keep doing what you're doing, your little one will be just fine.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

OH! O.k. i think i read too quickly or misinterpreted what you said.



i really like this post. i applaud you SBX! Keep doing what you're doing, your little one will be just fine.

Yeah, it's alright, I don't think I was as clear as I wanted, and then I read your post and was like "Oh THAT, exactly THAT"

One situation isn't going to make or break this girl's worldview (and who knows what it actually is, as someone else said it's quite possible what she said was not what she meant) it's the long term influence that's important.

[SWTXBelle]

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media. The same thing drives so many teen girls (and now, boys!) to eating disorders in a drive to fit what society (really, the media) decides is beautiful. I myself remember feeling simply horrible as a teen because I was small chested, short, and pear-shaped. Why didn't I look like the girls in the magazines?? Well, cause only about 3 percent of the population looks like that.
I think almost every parent has to deal with some form of their children not feeling they fit the standard. It's hard, but the fact that you are aware of the problem means you are well on your way to helping your daughter feel good about herself.
I have two daughters, both of whom are, in my totally unbiased opinion, beautiful. However, daughter #1 is short, brunette, and just had surgery on her lower jaw to correct a "bull dog bite". She has always felt overshadowed in the looks department by daughter #2 who is average height, blonde, blue-eyed, and the more conventionally beautiful. I had to tell my family when she was a child to NOT go on and on about her looks. Now that they are teens, daughter #1 is a TERRIFIC human being - caring, giving, intelligent, and wise beyond her years. Daughter #2, whom I love, is, I must say, more interested in being social. I really think she has been handicapped by her good looks - she can and does coast on them. Her grades aren't as good as #1, but she doesn't care. To tell the truth, she is not as loving and gracious as her sister. I'm not saying this is all because of her looks - but I have noticed that those who can coast on their appearance often do.
My point? Your daughter is so blessed to have a loving mother who is so concerned about her self-image. Let her know that appearance is one of the LEAST important things in terms of making you the person you are. It's largely a result of a spin of the genetic wheel. It's the things we all share in common - our intelligence, our compassion, our hopes and dreams, our love - that will make us truly beautiful. So she doesn't look like Barbie. GOOD. She has her own beauty that she doesn't need to share with anyone else. Bolster the things she can control - all of the aforementioned - and keep supporting her, and she will learn to celebrate the various cultures she is a part of. Good luck!

[Soliloquy]

While I have absolutely no child-rearing experience, outside of frequent babysitting, I'm also interracial. I'm in the grey area as far as appearence goes, I have olive skin, exotic features, black hair, hazel eyes etc. but that made it harder for me to identify with any particular group. I remember thinking the same things your daughter thought. However, I was blessed to have caring parents, like you, who taught that every race is beautiful- including those with multiple ethnic backgrounds.

My mom always said "it's not the color of their skin, hair, or eyes that makes them beautiful, it's their heart that makes them beautiful." Her phrase still rings in my head today and I really think she's responsible for making me so "color blind" while I dating or making friends.

But one of the things that helped me the most was when she would take me shopping. This really helped my personal outlook, because she would work so hard to point out the interracial features that made me unique and pretty. My mom is about as white as it gets and she would joke with me like "oh, I wish I could wear colors like that and look as good as you do, but I'm just too pale to pull it off! Look how lucky you are to have such a pretty complexion that you can wear that color" or something like "That pretty wavy hair of yours looks so pretty with that dress! You don't even need accessories, your dad and I gave you the best one!" When I started wearing make-up, she would tell me how I could blissfully pull off any color eyeshadow and my eyes would stand out; she would say how I didn't even need blush to make my cheekbones stand out because they are already so high and perfect. Granted a lot of what she said was superficial and could have possibly given me a rather large ego, it was just so nice hearing her be so positive with me while I was growing up. I think that her kind and sincere words really made me appreciate the way God decided to put my parents genes together to make me. I realized that I don't have to be Barbie to be gorgeous! Also, I really think the fact that my mom took time to point out specifics is what made the difference. She used that personalization in conjunction with her "phrases" to make everything she was teaching me identifiable. So even while I can still repeat her "phrases" word for word today, it was the personalization that followed, that made them so helpful and so memorable.


I hope my long rambling post has offered some insight and given you some ideas. I just identified with your little girl and had to post something!

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media.

This is what I would have said. When I was growing up, I always thought that to be beautiful in this world, you had to be blond & blue eyed. With my dark curly hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, I thought I was just ugly because I never saw anyone on TV (outside of Spanish television) that looked like me so I figured that to be considered beautiful, you had to be white.

Just make sure that you talk to her about how beauty comes in all colors and definitely try some of those books that someone suggested. They are great reads and I've used similar ones in my classroom with my students since I work in a very diverse area.

Good-luck!

[DeltAlum]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media.

I generally am angered by blaming "the media" for everything, but in cases like this, I can't disagree.

The majority of people we see in TV, in magazines and newspapers are still good looking white people. That's changing, but not quickly enough for many.

Does that make the media big bad people. Not really. They (we, actually since I work in TV -- in the live sports area) are for profit businesses and usually provide what the largest part of the audience "wants." What happens is pretty much what extensive market research dictates.

Is that good? Maybe not, but it's the way it is.

Will it change? Yes. When the audience signals that it isn't happy with the status quo anymore. The media, though, will always be reactive instead of proactive.

Maybe the most important thing to impart to your daughter(s) is that the entertainment media isn't real. "Reality TV" is a contradiction of terms. All she (they) really have to do is take a close look at their friends and their families to see that -- but I don't know that they will if someone doesn't point it out. Personally, I don't watch much TV, because when I'm off work, I don't want to be bothered with it, so I can't give an example, but it might be a good thing to point out to the young woman (women) the beautiful people of color who are more and more a part of entertainment shows.

Maybe that will help.

At least that's what I think.

Best of luck.

[AlwaysSAI]

I scrolled through some of the responses and haven't seen this one yet, but if it has already been said, I apologize.

This is not a new problem and your daughter is not the first mixed or african american child to feel this way.

During the whole de-segregation fight the people fighting the BOE found a professor and used his research to back up the premise that segregation damaged the psyche of young african american girls and boys.

The professor had african american boys and girls come into a playroom that was equipped with a camera. The play room was set up with various toys and dolls; imparticular a caucasian doll and an african american doll. The professor asked each child which doll they would rather play with and almost every child wanted to play with the caucasian doll. When the professor asked the children why they wanted to play with that doll they responded that she was prettier. He even (if I remember correctly) offered the african american doll to some children and they refused.

We learned about it in my HDF class. I can't remember what the guy's name was, though.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?? I bet you could find a video of the sessions online.

[AKA_Monet]

Kozal was his name who first started it. He's written several books now.

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

I scrolled through some of the responses and haven't seen this one yet, but if it has already been said, I apologize.

This is not a new problem and your daughter is not the first mixed or african american child to feel this way.

During the whole de-segregation fight the people fighting the BOE found a professor and used his research to back up the premise that segregation damaged the psyche of young african american girls and boys.

The professor had african american boys and girls come into a playroom that was equipped with a camera. The play room was set up with various toys and dolls; imparticular a caucasian doll and an african american doll. The professor asked each child which doll they would rather play with and almost every child wanted to play with the caucasian doll. When the professor asked the children why they wanted to play with that doll they responded that she was prettier. He even (if I remember correctly) offered the african american doll to some children and they refused.

We learned about it in my HDF class. I can't remember what the guy's name was, though.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?? I bet you could find a video of the sessions online.

[OneTimeSBX]

thank you Blutang...i appreciate the support! you only get one chance to make it right or wrong...i definately want her to grow up knowing her heritage (although still not too sure how to introduce the latina side, that part of her family even I havent met, and there is no contact with her father at all.)

my second daughter will be here in November, and i want HAPPY children that grow into HAPPIER adults! not the bitter, hate filled ones that grace us with their presence everyday in life

[LPIDelta]

You're her mom--she is going to follow your lead. If you tell her and show her and reienforce that everyone is beautiful, then she will grow into that belief...

I would guess that something happened at school or in another setting with children, and one them said someone was prettier than the other.... maybe ask her if something happened that makes her ask that question?

Good luck! It sounds like your heart is in a good place and that you want to do right by her. She is lucky!