Race issues/questions in children

[Wolfman]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i usually dont post personal threads, but since i have seen some highly intelligent answers on here, i thought i'd give it a shot.

i have a 6 1/2 year old daughter. her biological father is of mixed race, half black, half puerto rican. i, myself, am all black, but had both a white and indian great-grandmother. my daughter has that look that a lot of mixed race children have: the curly jet black hair, light skin. she is a beautiful child, not just because i am her mother, she has won various photo contests in our area (working on that college fund!) and has the greatest attitude.

last night, while watching something on TV, she looks up at me and asks, "why are white people prettier than black people?" i was truly stunned by her question and asked her why did she think that? she replied that they had better hair and skin. i pulled one of my Cosmo's off of the bedside table and started scrolling thru, asking her which girls were pretty, and which ones werent. the prettiest, she decided, was a blond haired, blue eyed girl. she didnt even give the girls who looked like her a second glance.

i was raised in the most un-racist household ever created. i have friends of all colors, and try to insure she has the same. still, i cant help but wonder, how do i handle this situation with her? i told her we would talk about it this weekend...i didnt want to put her off, but also want to go about it the correct way. any suggestions? do any of you have children with these issues? (i dont think it is a mixed-race thing, she has no clue of her latino/indian/white roots at all...)

Thanks for this thread! It--again--exposes something deeply ingrained in our society:that white supremecy is the "biosphere" in which we live. It's not so much the presence of overt forms of racial prejudice and racial epithets at play; but it's the sociocultural environment embodied in relationships,language, images, gestures, institutions,economics,social cues, etc.

Children are quite sophisticated in picking up on all this up. It effects all of us in various ways, whites and people of color alike. We, people of color, have accepted this value system, too.All Afro-cultures--African American,Afro-Carribean, Latino, Francophone,Portugese, etc. in different ways evidence this value system. It's especially telling in the American context where there is a black/white social binary.To raise a child as if were in a "colorblind" world is simply to reinscribe whiteness as the basic social value. For the psychological well-being of children of color (black,biracial,etc.) they have to be grounded in a positive,affirming worldview about "blackness," which historically and presently has associations with inferiority and subservience. It has to be intentional.

[Soliloquy]

Originally Posted by Wolfman

To raise a child as if were in a "colorblind" world is simply to reinscribe whiteness as the basic social value. For the psychological well-being of children of color (black,biracial,etc.) they have to be grounded in a positive,affirming worldview about "blackness," which historically and presently has associations with inferiority and subservience. It has to be intentional.

How is raising a child to be "color blind..reinscrib[ing] whiteness as the basic social value?"
Teaching children the values associated with color-blindness is a very commendable thing. It's the same thing as teaching children to not value someone based on their appearence! There is absolutely no way that is furthering a bias for whites. Hell, I am half German and half Pakistani! My parents taught me those values and as I have already said in this thread, I'm friends will all sorts of people. I don't care if your black, asian, european, spanish etc- if you're cool, we're friends! I had the same mentality when I was actively dating, and dated all sorts of guys. One of my best memories was dating this incredible guy from West Africa, he was a total romantic.

How have I furthered the white dominance by adhearing to colorblindness? Quite obviously, I haven't.

Also, if you pressure a child to value your particular race over another, you are creating prejudice and furthering racist views. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your ancestory, but I think it would be a terrible thing to groom children to believe they carry a supremacy because of their skin color. Thats the exact mentality that gave roots to the deep racism that runs rampant in the world.

[Wolfman]

Originally Posted by Soliloquy

How is raising a child to be "color blind..reinscrib[ing] whiteness as the basic social value?"
Teaching children the values associated with color-blindness is a very commendable thing. It's the same thing as teaching children to not value someone based on their appearence! There is absolutely no way that is furthering a bias for whites. Hell, I am half German and half Pakistani! My parents taught me those values and as I have already said in this thread, I'm friends will all sorts of people. I don't care if your black, asian, european, spanish etc- if you're cool, we're friends! I had the same mentality when I was actively dating, and dated all sorts of guys. One of my best memories was dating this incredible guy from West Africa, he was a total romantic.

How have I furthered the white dominance by adhearing to colorblindness? Quite obviously, I haven't.

Also, if you pressure a child to value your particular race over another, you are creating prejudice and furthering racist views. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your ancestory, but I think it would be a terrible thing to groom children to believe they carry a supremacy because of their skin color. Thats the exact mentality that gave roots to the deep racism that runs rampant in the world.

Obviously, you didn't understand what I was saying. If you read closely I said this is not an issue of racial prejudice or a particular praxis associated with with this mindset. It's about the general tenor and environment of the society which is grounded in a particular value system which is the problem that has to be faced head on. Let me use another analogy to help you understand. Many Gays and Lesbians use the term "heterosexist" to describe the society, to help heterosexuals understand why they actively push their agenda in many ways. It's not simply about anti-gay acts of violence, prejudice or homophobia; it's about how society is geared to heterosexuals--institutionally,attitudinally/ideologically,economically, legally, etc.The system is stacked. This transcends how people interact interpersonally. It's like the broth which flavors all the meats and vegetables in a soup. Thus,in a crude way,to assert "colorblindness" as a social philosophy in a white supremicist context is to devalue "blackness" and other non-European construals of personhood. This has to do with history and the social values and arrangements which arose from them,not some pedantic interest.

In fact, the way you talk about it is a typically "white."(I say this non-pejoratively.) It has nothing to do with one's race/ethnicity. It's a worldview/value system. Because of my religious/theological commitments, social philosophy, and my experiences, I agree with what you're saying about how we should interact. That's how I actually live my life. I'm also a person of color in this society and understand the psychological complexity of navigating one's way in a healthy manner in a society based on white supremecist values. And it's not just an African American/ biracial issue. I've talked with Asian Americans who deal with similar issues, and I've also heard the term "white washed" used by South Asians. I could literally write a tome about this but I'll stop now. Thank you.

[FSUZeta]

when my children were young and would ask me questions that really threw me for a loop, such as "why is the sky blue, why is the grass green,etc." i would ask them what they thought- and they always had an answer, often much better than i could have come up with. it got me off the hook tons of times!

if the opportunity arises again and your daughter makes a similar comment, "mommy, why are white people prettier than black people" try saying,"why do you think?" and see what she has to say. that at least would give you more to go on. it is amazing what young children are thinking.

[carnation]

We've adopted 5 nonwhite daughters and let me say, there's some good advice on this thread! We've read the books, had the talks, and generally tried to promote the beauty of their cultures and others. However--it's very likely that this issue will resurface in the teens. There doesn't seem to be a teenager alive who likes his or her face or hair...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

if the opportunity arises again and your daughter makes a similar comment, "mommy, why are white people prettier than black people" try saying,"why do you think?" and see what she has to say. that at least would give you more to go on. it is amazing what young children are thinking.

I would agree to some point, however if this issue is not resolved in the parent, then, it will be confusing for the child. Some child's response could be so very painful as an African American woman that it is much easier to ignore it.

The other issue is rooting it out of our psyche. At this juncture, I do not have any more faith on our society to improve the psychological health of our children and youth.

What can we do collectively? Nothing. Basically, things cannot stay in disequilibrium. Somehow, someway, someday a balance will evolve and probably not in our lifetime or our children's.

After all the craziness and stress I have endured lately, I have lost my faith in people.

[AGDee]

I'm not sure it's always a result of media/societal attitudes. My daughter had her first exposure to an African American child on her first day of kindergarten. She came home and told me about this beautiful girl who had chocolate skin and how she wished her skin was like that. That year, all the Barbies and dolls she wanted were African American. I didn't think much of it. I just saw it as expanding her horizons and admiring someone who was different than herself.

I can say, as a short, curvy Italian brunette with brown eyes, that, through the "difficult" years (middle school/high school), I really just wanted to be a tall, leggy, blonde with blue eyes. THAT was media induced for sure. When Paula Abdul first became popular, it was such a relief because she was very attractive but short and curvy AND a brunette!

I guess my point is... watch her reactions and keep an open line of communication about it to figure out why she is feeling that way and then address the underlying cause. You could also use the opportunity to explain that the pictures in magazines are often touched up to make the women look even prettier and point out that all people have something beautiful about them, inside and/or out.

[Rudey]

I think that Rihanna chick is smoking hot. Some may even say she's the case for promoting miscegenation. But her problem is she has difficulty speaking. I mean who pronounces umbrella with 4 syllables?

-Rudey

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I'm not sure it's always a result of media/societal attitudes. My daughter had her first exposure to an African American child on her first day of kindergarten. She came home and told me about this beautiful girl who had chocolate skin and how she wished her skin was like that. That year, all the Barbies and dolls she wanted were African American. I didn't think much of it. I just saw it as expanding her horizons and admiring someone who was different than herself.

I can say, as a short, curvy Italian brunette with brown eyes, that, through the "difficult" years (middle school/high school), I really just wanted to be a tall, leggy, blonde with blue eyes. THAT was media induced for sure. When Paula Abdul first became popular, it was such a relief because she was very attractive but short and curvy AND a brunette!

I guess my point is... watch her reactions and keep an open line of communication about it to figure out why she is feeling that way and then address the underlying cause. You could also use the opportunity to explain that the pictures in magazines are often touched up to make the women look even prettier and point out that all people have something beautiful about them, inside and/or out.

Well, you do have to admit, you and your daughter are probably different in your thinking to begin with... That is just a great mark of an excellent parent!

If I had a daughter who starting to wonder what the outside world is (inevitably ), I would try telling her a personal story that only she could understand to help her ease her way through it... So that when the other little hellions decide to tease her for her looks, she maintains her self-esteem through all those awkward years.

Disclaimer: Just trying to help... Some folks think I am trying to attack their innercore being. You can take it or leave it as to what I say. It doesn't matter to me. However if you disagree, it still sucks to be degraded by flaming as a human being, just argue the points you disagree on, that's cool. Tell me why I am wrong, maybe I can learn something, too... People internalize too much personal stuff on a message board!