But I'm Perfect! (a Recruitment Story Parody)

[peppermint23]

Hello dear friends. So I'm a creative writer, and in between working on my current project (or attempting to ), I like to dabble in some side projects for fun. A lot of us love recruitment stories - myself included - and this forum has a wonderfully snarky sense of humor when it comes to the, shall we say...less-than-desirable PNMs. Of course, reality is heightened here and this isn't about anyone in particular, it's just for fun. (Though you may recognize certain traits and incidents from your own experiences )

So if it's okay with everyone, I'd like to write a Recruitment Parody titled But I'm Perfect! for your reading pleasure while we await new, real ones.

I hope you guys like it.

But I'm Perfect!
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Hi y'all! My name is Angel. So I go to a southern school where rush is SUPER competitive. Luckily there are like 17 sororities so I'm pretty much guaranteed a bid, right? I mean, at least ONE from the Fat Houses or Fuglies.

A little bit about me: I'm thin, tall, gorgeous and I come from an excellent family. My mom is a doctor and my dad is a famous lawyer (okay, so my dad actually drives an ice cream truck past the local pool on Sundays and my mom sits at home smoking weed and watching Maury all day, but ssshh don't tell the sisters! First impressions are everything!). I want to be in a top tier house and I'm pretty sure I will because well...I'm awesome, sorry!

Gosh I'm like so excited to tell my story! I have amazing writing skills so I'm sure y'all will be dazzled by my wit and charm (jk! not really...sorry I'm not sorry!) The first big event we had was Meet the Sororities. I showed up wearing my one-of-a-kind Prada evening dress and limited edition Ralph Lauren heels. I was shocked that so many girls were wearing jeans and t-shirts. What did they think this was, some kind of casual, FUN event?

Anyway, as soon as I had walked in and assessed the situation, I quickly walked past all the Fat chapter tables (I'll call them Little Miss Piggy, Oink Oink and Otter, because the last one is more Jenny Craig-diet overweight) and the Fuglies (so tragic) - some of the girls tried to say "hi" to me but I ignored them, I did NOT want to associate with them and I'd probably just end up texting during their parties anyway - and made my way over to the absolute #1 top tier sorority at our school. I'll call them the Goddesses. They're known for being intelligent, classy, and highly personable, so I'm sure I'll fit right in!

I instantly recognized one of the sisters because I'd been stalking their Facebook for the past month and photoshopping myself in all of their pictures. The sister was in the middle of a conversation with some fugly girl so I pushed her out of the way and extended my hand. "Nice to meet you!" I squealed, showing off my beautiful vocal abilities which would surely come in handy when I ended up as their Spirit Chair.

She hesitated before taking my hand, looking me up and down. She looked stunned and a bit taken aback, then frowned. I could tell she wasn't used to seeing someone that fit in so perfectly with her chapter right off the bat, and she was taking this precarious moment very seriously.

"Um...hi," she said. "You just knocked over a PNM."

I laughed and told her not to worry about it, gave the poor frumpy PNM a quick power pat ("Life's tough, get a helmet!" I quipped wittily), then laughed and laughed to show the sister how funny I was. She had this slow, dazed smile on her face and I could tell she was impressed with me. Remember ladies, first impressions are key!

After that I talked to a few more Top houses and then left early to get my beauty rest. Recruitment was bright and early the next morning!

Round I

God, first of all, it was soooo HOT today. I made sure to mention this over and over to my Pi Chi and group because God, why is their damn state so freakin' HOT, anyway? They just kind of stared at me and I realized they were probably used to the heat which had rendered them brain dead.

ANYWAY. The first house we saw was...ugh...no...Oink Oink. I couldn't believe I was letting my make-up melt off my sweating face to stand in the heat and watch their stupid door song. It was a trainwreck. They kept doing this weird CHANTING thing and it sounded like they were at summer camp. Honestly, didn't they know anything about sororities? You'd think they would, being one and all. (Though, maybe Panhel gave them misinformation to sabotage them so they'd only attract the dumb girls).

Predictably, the brain dead girls in my rush group ate it up and went inside the house full of smiles. Thank GOD it was air-conditioned in there. I made sure to compliment my rusher on their wonderful AC system the minute she met me. She laughed awkwardly and took me to sit down. Their couch was super comfy, probably because they spend a lot of time eating chips and they need a decent place to sit while stuffing their faces. I stayed alert for grease stains.

She asked me boring, predictable questions like Where are you from? and What's your major? and Why did you decide to rush? I nodded and answered "Yep" to every single one of them. She looked confused and we spent the rest of the party in awkward silence. Ugh, I hate bad conversationalists.

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Stay tuned for more!