How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

That's a really good article. I love that letter to a legacy. What a great message! Very panhellenic. It's a message that needs to get out to alums of all our organizations, because our legacies and our organizations depend on it.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by MasTNX

Do you think legacies should be given any special treatment at all? If it's a super competitive school and there aren't enough spots for all legacies much less everyone else, then should legacies be given any type of 'head start' like a Legacy Luncheon before recruitment? It would seem like an unfair advantage, but isn't just being a legacy an advantage that wasn't earned?

This actually happened more than a few times with us. Legacy would be on campus tour with her parents, and Mom would end up bringing Legacy over to the Sorority Suite. This would be almost a year prior to her actually starting college, so it didn't quite cross that dirty rush line.

When I was rushing, one of the sisters' biological sister was often at the suite. I didn't know that she wasn't a sister until I was a pledge!

[carnation]

Originally Posted by honeychile

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

That's a great Tri Delt/ADPi article! It is kind of weird when one of your daughters (or 6, lol) pledge other groups..I remember thinking when the oldest first pledged, okay pandas, I have to look for panda stuff, this feels so odd even though we and she loved her new sisters. For some reason, it never occurred to me before recruitment that of course she wasn't going to be a Pi Phi, her school didn't have it. Actually, we never looked to see which sororities they had until 3 months before she started there. Possibly due to the fact that I'd had a baby in March, haha.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's a shock when you realize that your child isn't going to inherit your traditions and it's got to be an awful one when it's involuntary- like a close friend has hurt you deeply.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by carnation

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's a shock when you realize that your child isn't going to inherit your traditions and it's got to be an awful one when it's involuntary- like a close friend has hurt you deeply.

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me. If my (future and as yet hypothetical) daughter doesn't get what she wants in life whether college, sorority, or whatever, that's disappointing but not actual heartbreak.

It's a sorority. It's dear to our hearts, but it is NOT the loss of a child or loved one, it is not the betrayal of a spouse or family member, it is none of these truly tragic things to be dropped from a chapter. And as the adults, we're supposed to have the perspective on that. It's natural for an 18 year old to get swept up in the whole thing and feel like her life is over by being dropped. But as adults, we're supposed to know better. We're supposed to know that the first infatuation isn't really love, even if we know that she won't listen to us.

Even if, as a mother, it's easy to get caught up in it too, it's her job, as the one with the fully developed frontal lobe to reason and not to get swept up in the daughter's emotions, no matter how much she empathizes and sympathizes.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me. If my (future and as yet hypothetical) daughter doesn't get what she wants in life whether college, sorority, or whatever, that's disappointing but not actual heartbreak.

It's a sorority. It's dear to our hearts, but it is NOT the loss of a child or loved one, it is not the betrayal of a spouse or family member, it is none of these truly tragic things to be dropped from a chapter. And as the adults, we're supposed to have the perspective on that. It's natural for an 18 year old to get swept up in the whole thing and feel like her life is over by being dropped. But as adults, we're supposed to know better. We're supposed to know that the first infatuation isn't really love, even if we know that she won't listen to us.

Even if, as a mother, it's easy to get caught up in it too, it's her job, as the one with the fully developed frontal lobe to reason and not to get swept up in the daughter's emotions, no matter how much she empathizes and sympathizes.

This is true, but I think in a lot of situations the heartache really is caused by the mothers. Think about it...who raised the legacy believing that one day she'd be an XYZ? Who told her that she was a shoe-in for a bid? Who told her that she would be over the moon if they could be sisters? Who may have told the legacy that she'd be heartbroken if the legacy didn't pledge XYZ?

When the legacy gets cut, all mom can think is that SHE is responsible in some way for Little legacy's heartache. And she is right. The chapter doesn't have a responsibility to pledge Little Legacy, but mom promised her the bid and pushed her to want to be XYZ. In the end, all the guilt makes for a pretty angry mama.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

This is true, but I think in a lot of situations the heartache really is caused by the mothers. Think about it...who raised the legacy believing that one day she'd be an XYZ? Who told her that she was a shoe-in for a bid? Who told her that she would be over the moon if they could be sisters? Who may have told the legacy that she'd be heartbroken if the legacy didn't pledge XYZ?

When the legacy gets cut, all mom can think is that SHE is responsible in some way for Little legacy's heartache. And she is right. The chapter doesn't have a responsibility to pledge Little Legacy, but mom promised her the bid and pushed her to want to be XYZ. In the end, all the guilt makes for a pretty angry mama.

Certainly possible (although I'm including plenty of PNMs who weren't raised like that in my conceptualization) but again, no matter how much we understand that anger you don't condone someone having a bad day at work coming home and kicking the dog. And we shouldn't be supporting the idea that it's betrayal. They have their right to feel what they feel but at some point the thought process has to kick back in and they have to be the ones with the perspective. Particularly when their next step is posting about it on facebook, calling and yelling at active members, etc. someone needs to give them a wake up call. The sorority didn't betray them or their daughters.

[tld221]

I know this is unthinkable...esp since it seems were speaking in reference to competitive schools, but if a legacy gets cut during formal rush freshman year, what's stopping her from rushing a 2nd time?

Aside from the embarassment of going through again, aside from decreased chances of bid as a sophomore, aside from COB/COR being less of a "to-do," etc.

Its not like the no-bid was the legacy's fault: just not enough space to accomodate all. Is trying again really a blow to the ego on the pnm and mom's part, where they'd "rather, lyke, die?"

[FSUZeta]

just as you ache a little when your child is chosen last for the sandlot soccer team, or when she breaks up with her first boyfriend and is so upset she can hardly catch her breath, you ache when they are not chosen to pledge your sorority.

usually it is okay if the daughter feels that that group is not right for them, because she was able to make that determination.

i had a hard time understanding how mothers felt this way, until i had my own children.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

just as you ache a little when your child is chosen last for the sandlot soccer team, or when she breaks up with their first boyfriend and is so upset she can hardly catch her breath, you ache when they are not chosen to pledge your sorority.

usually it is okay if the daughter feels that that group is not right for them, because she was able to make that determination.

i had a hard time understanding how mothers felt this way, until i had my own children.

I do get that, it's the use (and support) of heartbreak and betrayal that I have such a negative reaction to. Particularly when followed by the lashing out at people who did nothing "wrong" even if they were the chapter members who chose not to extend the daughter a bid.

I get feeling for a daughter's pain, and even hurting a bit because they hurt, but I do not get the level to which this is dramatized by fully grown women.

[FSUZeta]

i see. i think that it might be just that which was mentioned before-a lot of alumnae don't stay involved once they leave college, even falling off the sorority magazine mailing list, so they don't learn of the policy changes that the sorority has inacted in the last 20-30 years, nor do they realize how different "rush" is nowadays.

i have a friend whose daughter went thru recruitment last year at a small school with a competitive recruitment. there was a chapter of my friends sorority, and she felt that daughter would be a shoe in. daughter was dropped by legacy sorority but did accept a bid from another group and last i heard was giving it a try-at my advice.

mom was just distraught and i felt really badly for her and tried to comfort her as best i could.

not that it should have made a difference, but this woman has not been active in her alumnae group and i don't even know if she pays national dues or not. i did find it interesting that she had expected daughter to just breeze right in just because she was a legacy, even after i cautioned her that sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I do get that, it's the use (and support) of heartbreak and betrayal that I have such a negative reaction to. Particularly when followed by the lashing out at people who did nothing "wrong" even if they were the chapter members who chose not to extend the daughter a bid.

I get feeling for a daughter's pain, and even hurting a bit because they hurt, but I do not get the level to which this is dramatized by fully grown women.

You're a psychologist...it's called personality disorder!

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

You're a psychologist...it's called personality disorder!

*cough* Counselor... almost licensed.. soon.

And having dealt with someone with histrionic personality disorder among a few borderlines, no. It's called being selfish and immature and taking your insecurities out on others. (And expecting others to do what you want them to.)

I'm all judgey today though so yeah. Using shock, horror, betrayal, cruelty, etc. just make me think of soap opera, not something we generally encourage for every day life. More clutching my pearls than caring for my kid.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

just as you ache a little when your child is chosen last for the sandlot soccer team, or when she breaks up with their first boyfriend and is so upset she can hardly catch her breath, you ache when they are not chosen to pledge your sorority.

usually it is okay if the daughter feels that that group is not right for them, because she was able to make that determination.

i had a hard time understanding how mothers felt this way, until i had my own children.

I know that at some ASA chapters, the membership makeup was as different as it could possibly be from my chapter and there's no way in hell I (collegian I) would have ever gotten a bid. Why on earth should I think that they would open their arms to my daughter? Then again, if you managed to get into ANY GLO at an SEC or other competitive school, I think you feel a little more entitled and that you've reached the top, so things for you (and your progeny) should stay there.

I really would love to see these moms get in a time machine and see if their collegiate experience was really as wonderful and roses and daisies as they say it was and that's why they're sad the daughter didn't get a bid, or if the REAL reason is that it's a social climbing thing. I would wager there's a little of both.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

from experience with my alumnae chapter, most of the women have no idea what goes on in the collegiate chapters anymore. There is a disconnect between collegiate and alumnae activities, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes it difficult to keep alumnae up to date with the realities of recruitment.

Sometimes I think they're actually TRYING to keep alums and collegians separated, unless the alum chapter is bankrolling/supporting a collegiate chapter directly. There doesn't seem to be that type of disconnect in NPHC groups, as the graduate and undergraduate chapters have more similarities than differences.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

Betty the mom is super smart and needs to be cloned. I particularly liked this part:

A legacy is just a piece of history. The Greek reality is that they’re all great organizations and they all have wonderful girls and they’re all a place to hang your hat and a shirt to wear. It’s you who has to get in there and make the memories great.

This article also made me nebby about what the "old" MS procedures were and what the "new" ones were going to be. Just simple human curiousity. Hee hee.

"Dirty recruitment" just doesn't sound as "dirty" as it truly is.

[AZ-AlphaXi]

Originally Posted by 33girl

This article also made me nebby about what the "old" MS procedures were and what the "new" ones were going to be. Just simple human curiousity. Hee hee.

me to