How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[MasTNX]

Do you think legacies should be given any special treatment at all? If it's a super competitive school and there aren't enough spots for all legacies much less everyone else, then should legacies be given any type of 'head start' like a Legacy Luncheon before recruitment? It would seem like an unfair advantage, but isn't just being a legacy an advantage that wasn't earned?

As for my daughter, the mom in me wants to say that I will hover. Before intake, I would want to know that she has made a good impression. During intake, I would want to know what is going on. After she emerges, I would want to know if she was representing the Sorority well. However, I know that none of that is particularly helpful to her or the chapter and I will need to fall back.

I understand the mom's heartbreak though. It's tough.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by MasTNX

Do you think legacies should be given any special treatment at all? If it's a super competitive school and there aren't enough spots for all legacies much less everyone else, then should legacies be given any type of 'head start' like a Legacy Luncheon before recruitment? It would seem like an unfair advantage, but isn't just being a legacy an advantage that wasn't earned?

As for my daughter, the mom in me wants to say that I will hover. Before intake, I would want to know that she has made a good impression. During intake, I would want to know what is going on. After she emerges, I would want to know if she was representing the Sorority well. However, I know that none of that is particularly helpful to her or the chapter and I will need to fall back.

I understand the mom's heartbreak though. It's tough.

Can't really do this with NPC.

[MasTNX]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Can't really do this with NPC.

I don't know a lot about NPC, but why wouldn't it work?

Confession: I think I got the idea from a Lifetime movie or something similar. The moms and daughters were all touring the house together, meeting all the current sisters, telling stories of their time in the house. I guess I'm a sucker for thinking it seemed realistic.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MasTNX

I don't know a lot about NPC, but why wouldn't it work?

Confession: I think I got the idea from a Lifetime movie or something similar. The moms and daughters were all touring the house together, meeting all the current sisters, telling stories of their time in the house. I guess I'm a sucker for thinking it seemed realistic.

It's considered dirty rushing. You're not really allowed to have contact from one sorority to the potential new members, legacies or not. It's possible to have a mother/daughter lunch or something, but not a chapter of actives with incoming freshmen or anything like that.

It's part of how we all work as part of the NPC, and keeps a chapter that has more resources (or alumnae in the area) from putting on events when other chapters might not be able to afford it, have the space for it etc. When it comes to recruitment we try to put ourselves on an even playing field.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by FSUZeta

just as you ache a little when your child is chosen last for the sandlot soccer team, or when she breaks up with their first boyfriend and is so upset she can hardly catch her breath, you ache when they are not chosen to pledge your sorority.

usually it is okay if the daughter feels that that group is not right for them, because she was able to make that determination.

i had a hard time understanding how mothers felt this way, until i had my own children.

I know that at some ASA chapters, the membership makeup was as different as it could possibly be from my chapter and there's no way in hell I (collegian I) would have ever gotten a bid. Why on earth should I think that they would open their arms to my daughter? Then again, if you managed to get into ANY GLO at an SEC or other competitive school, I think you feel a little more entitled and that you've reached the top, so things for you (and your progeny) should stay there.

I really would love to see these moms get in a time machine and see if their collegiate experience was really as wonderful and roses and daisies as they say it was and that's why they're sad the daughter didn't get a bid, or if the REAL reason is that it's a social climbing thing. I would wager there's a little of both.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

from experience with my alumnae chapter, most of the women have no idea what goes on in the collegiate chapters anymore. There is a disconnect between collegiate and alumnae activities, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes it difficult to keep alumnae up to date with the realities of recruitment.

Sometimes I think they're actually TRYING to keep alums and collegians separated, unless the alum chapter is bankrolling/supporting a collegiate chapter directly. There doesn't seem to be that type of disconnect in NPHC groups, as the graduate and undergraduate chapters have more similarities than differences.

[honeychile]

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

That's a really good article. I love that letter to a legacy. What a great message! Very panhellenic. It's a message that needs to get out to alums of all our organizations, because our legacies and our organizations depend on it.

[carnation]

Originally Posted by honeychile

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

That's a great Tri Delt/ADPi article! It is kind of weird when one of your daughters (or 6, lol) pledge other groups..I remember thinking when the oldest first pledged, okay pandas, I have to look for panda stuff, this feels so odd even though we and she loved her new sisters. For some reason, it never occurred to me before recruitment that of course she wasn't going to be a Pi Phi, her school didn't have it. Actually, we never looked to see which sororities they had until 3 months before she started there. Possibly due to the fact that I'd had a baby in March, haha.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's a shock when you realize that your child isn't going to inherit your traditions and it's got to be an awful one when it's involuntary- like a close friend has hurt you deeply.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by carnation

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's a shock when you realize that your child isn't going to inherit your traditions and it's got to be an awful one when it's involuntary- like a close friend has hurt you deeply.

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me. If my (future and as yet hypothetical) daughter doesn't get what she wants in life whether college, sorority, or whatever, that's disappointing but not actual heartbreak.

It's a sorority. It's dear to our hearts, but it is NOT the loss of a child or loved one, it is not the betrayal of a spouse or family member, it is none of these truly tragic things to be dropped from a chapter. And as the adults, we're supposed to have the perspective on that. It's natural for an 18 year old to get swept up in the whole thing and feel like her life is over by being dropped. But as adults, we're supposed to know better. We're supposed to know that the first infatuation isn't really love, even if we know that she won't listen to us.

Even if, as a mother, it's easy to get caught up in it too, it's her job, as the one with the fully developed frontal lobe to reason and not to get swept up in the daughter's emotions, no matter how much she empathizes and sympathizes.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me. If my (future and as yet hypothetical) daughter doesn't get what she wants in life whether college, sorority, or whatever, that's disappointing but not actual heartbreak.

It's a sorority. It's dear to our hearts, but it is NOT the loss of a child or loved one, it is not the betrayal of a spouse or family member, it is none of these truly tragic things to be dropped from a chapter. And as the adults, we're supposed to have the perspective on that. It's natural for an 18 year old to get swept up in the whole thing and feel like her life is over by being dropped. But as adults, we're supposed to know better. We're supposed to know that the first infatuation isn't really love, even if we know that she won't listen to us.

Even if, as a mother, it's easy to get caught up in it too, it's her job, as the one with the fully developed frontal lobe to reason and not to get swept up in the daughter's emotions, no matter how much she empathizes and sympathizes.

This is true, but I think in a lot of situations the heartache really is caused by the mothers. Think about it...who raised the legacy believing that one day she'd be an XYZ? Who told her that she was a shoe-in for a bid? Who told her that she would be over the moon if they could be sisters? Who may have told the legacy that she'd be heartbroken if the legacy didn't pledge XYZ?

When the legacy gets cut, all mom can think is that SHE is responsible in some way for Little legacy's heartache. And she is right. The chapter doesn't have a responsibility to pledge Little Legacy, but mom promised her the bid and pushed her to want to be XYZ. In the end, all the guilt makes for a pretty angry mama.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

This is true, but I think in a lot of situations the heartache really is caused by the mothers. Think about it...who raised the legacy believing that one day she'd be an XYZ? Who told her that she was a shoe-in for a bid? Who told her that she would be over the moon if they could be sisters? Who may have told the legacy that she'd be heartbroken if the legacy didn't pledge XYZ?

When the legacy gets cut, all mom can think is that SHE is responsible in some way for Little legacy's heartache. And she is right. The chapter doesn't have a responsibility to pledge Little Legacy, but mom promised her the bid and pushed her to want to be XYZ. In the end, all the guilt makes for a pretty angry mama.

Certainly possible (although I'm including plenty of PNMs who weren't raised like that in my conceptualization) but again, no matter how much we understand that anger you don't condone someone having a bad day at work coming home and kicking the dog. And we shouldn't be supporting the idea that it's betrayal. They have their right to feel what they feel but at some point the thought process has to kick back in and they have to be the ones with the perspective. Particularly when their next step is posting about it on facebook, calling and yelling at active members, etc. someone needs to give them a wake up call. The sorority didn't betray them or their daughters.

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I just do NOT get this. Maybe it's because I'm not a mother, and that's a fair criticism. However, if my cousin rushes this fall and my sorority drops her despite my glowing letter of recommendation, I'm not going to feel betrayed as I would if my best friend said something cruel about me.

There ya go. When it's your daughter, it's totally different from any other relative. It's hard to explain the depth of the feeling...even when you're prepared, it's difficult.

My chapter was no longer at daughter's school (would could have been a blessing - whst if she didn't like them?!?)...I couldn't believe how jealous I felt at seeing other mothers whose daughters pledged their sorority...that I would not get that experience of pinning my badge on my daughter at initiation. It defied logic.

However...I certainly don't condone chewing out a chapter because your feelings were hurt.

It's like trying to get the PNMs to keep an open mind. They're listening, but they don't really hear you.

[Barbie's_Rush]

I don't mean this to delve into ms territory and I also understand that things would vary with different groups, but was there ever a time in relatively recent history (eg: when the current moms and grams were in school) where a legacy was guaranteed a bid if she wanted it? I can't even imagine this ever being the case, even at schools with a non-competitive Greek life or in struggling chapters. Certainly there had to be room for cutting Sally Slorepants even if she was a quadruple legacy? But obviously these moms are getting this concept of a guaranteed bid from somewhere?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I just read the entire Facebook article. Yes, there are some bitter alumnae, but of course they're not taking in the full picture.

One alumna posted an article from the Tri Delta Trident, and it really bears reading: Recruitment Demystified. There's a place to click to download the article - please read at least the first six pages (there are pictures, don't panic!) - it would be great to see this in every GLO magazine!

Betty the mom is super smart and needs to be cloned. I particularly liked this part:

A legacy is just a piece of history. The Greek reality is that they’re all great organizations and they all have wonderful girls and they’re all a place to hang your hat and a shirt to wear. It’s you who has to get in there and make the memories great.

This article also made me nebby about what the "old" MS procedures were and what the "new" ones were going to be. Just simple human curiousity. Hee hee.

"Dirty recruitment" just doesn't sound as "dirty" as it truly is.

[AZ-AlphaXi]

Originally Posted by 33girl

This article also made me nebby about what the "old" MS procedures were and what the "new" ones were going to be. Just simple human curiousity. Hee hee.

me to