What defines a helicopter parent?

[SWTXBelle]

When I was teaching 8, 10 and 12th grade I had a rule. I would re-check your test or paper on request, but if I did so, you got the new grade, be it higher or lower. (I would often raise a grade in the initial grading for a student who was borderline but contributed to class, but I don't lower grades. You get what you earn.) I remember re-checking a test - the student got a lower grade. He was shocked - "Are you going to give me the lower grade?" Well, yes. I told you I would give you the correct grade, be it higher or lower. Explaining why a grade was given ( and how to improve ) I had no problem with - I'd happily go over it with a student so he/she could avoid the same mistakes later.
English grading is very subjective. It is more than just following the directions - doing that will get you a "C" for average in my class. However, if I had a student who went from A work to D, I would double-check that paper as a matter of course. That said, if I gave it a D, it would stay a D, no matter who wanted to recheck it or give me pressure. And I would be far more likely to respect an 8th grader who didn't understand why a paper was graded the way it was than a parent who called to complain. I really hated the parents who wanted me to give their children extra credit. I had an extra credit assignment every 6 weeks - your student can do the same one everyone else does. No special assignments for your special snowflake.

Actual conversation from my first year teaching High School.

Lee - "You gave (eta - I hate that. I didn't "give" you a grade - you earned it.) me a C! Do you know who I am?"

Me - "Yes, you are that student who earned a C on his paper."

At least he came to discuss his grade on his own, and didn't sic mommy and daddy on me!

eta - and I'm just commented on general helicoptering - not making a comment about the previous poster's parents. I don't have enough facts to say anything, other than I also think perhaps it was a missed learning moment.

[Srmom1]

I completely agree with you sxtxbelle, a grade earned is a grade earned!

About subjective grading in English, an interesting story:

My nephew, who is now in college, had to do a paper for the statewide "Reflections" contest (even though it is a "voluntary" activity, his teacher had the class do the papers for a grade, but they would all be submitted in the contest). He turned it in, and she graded it as a D paper.

His paper was sent on with all the other papers for consideration - the judging is done at different levels by a panel of English teachers- first district, then region, then state. Well, his paper won 1st place at district, 1st place at region, and was finalist at state.

There was obviously some disparity in grading between his own teacher and the various panels of teachers who placed his paper 1st.

Since having "winners" in the Reflections Contest is a big deal in our district, with newspaper announcements and blanket emails sent out with the winners names, it might have became a bit of an issue that he had received a D on the paper.

He (not his mom) met with the counselor and the English teacher to review the grade. Her response was that, stylistically, she did not care for the paper, and that she felt that it hadn't captured the "theme" of the contest's free response. The counselor pointed out that obviously the many other teachers felt that he had captured the theme, and that "stylistic" preferences should not preclude an objective grading.

The grade was changed to an A. They could hardly have the state runner up paper being a D!

I wondered, after my sister in law related this story to me, if there might be some repercussions from this teacher, having been called out with the administration. I never heard if there was, so assume that all was well.

[UGAalum94]

I really think that people overestimate the potential repercussions of approaching teachers directly about anything. Most of us are not so thin-skinned that we're going to hold someone asking us about something against them or their kid.

On the other hand, it's hard not to be irritated by someone going over your head about something that should really be your decision. Good principals don't play that anyway.

With the essay contest deal, trying to give clear guidelines for how something will be graded is always important. It seems to me that if the point of requiring the essay was to enter the contest, the grade should have come from the contest guidelines, so it shouldn't be that far off the mark. I will say though, I don't know who judged the particular contest and sometimes, it's not English teachers [ETA: I don't mean to second guess what was posted. I can see now you said it was English teachers. I believe you.]

I've seen winning essays for local stuff that were pretty much internet forward glurge, when what I'd expect from an advanced student would be better than that. Of course, I'm not claiming that's the case here. I'm just saying that many English teachers would give Hallmark bad marks for being trite, and yet, that junk sells like hotcakes.

[nikki1920]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

Actually, it does sound like they "harassed" the teacher when you received a low grade. They may have only done it once, but it looked like it happened. Harass is your word rather than mine, but what you describe really isn't all that normal.

If you made all As on your other papers, it really probably wasn't worth all that. What did you learn from her doing that? That you might sometimes call momma to deal with injustice? What about the times when your mom has no influence?

I have no idea what your English teacher was like, and I'll even accept that she/he was clearly in the wrong. But often the fights that seem like they need fighting really don't, and that an even better lesson may be learned by people not getting what they want.

The point I was trying to make was, that I had been an "A/B" student before, and to suddenly receive a D, and no sufficient explanation from the teacher as to why this was the grade I received. When I explained to my mom what happened, she met with the teacher, got the same response and THEN went to the principal. For me and my mom, it was a fight that needed to be fought because this grade could have kept me from going to high school on time. Apparently there were other "issues" involved with this particular teacher regarding certain students.

If I did poorly on the paper, I would have accepted that and moved on. But to be consistently told that one is a decent writer (for middle school) and never having received a D in any English class before, and doing well in the class until then, and having a teacher tell me "well, that's the grade I am giving you, so just take it and sit down," that was a bit of a confidence breaker for me.

Apparently, I didn't communicate that well enough, so I apologize for the mix up. And yes, those were the only two times my parents intervened. And I did learn to speak up for myself from that experience.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

The point I was trying to make was, that I had been an "A/B" student before, and to suddenly receive a D, and no sufficient explanation from the teacher as to why this was the grade I received. When I explained to my mom what happened, she met with the teacher, got the same response and THEN went to the principal. For me and my mom, it was a fight that needed to be fought because this grade could have kept me from going to high school on time. Apparently there were other "issues" involved with this particular teacher regarding certain students.

If I did poorly on the paper, I would have accepted that and moved on. But to be consistently told that one is a decent writer (for middle school) and never having received a D in any English class before, and doing well in the class until then, and having a teacher tell me "well, that's the grade I am giving you, so just take it and sit down," that was a bit of a confidence breaker for me.

Apparently, I didn't communicate that well enough, so I apologize for the mix up. And yes, those were the only two times my parents intervened. And I did learn to speak up for myself from that experience.

Sorry for going off on the situation earlier. Particularly if this episode was middle school too, it make more sense that your mom took it up for you. I thought it happened in high school, and the same teacher from whom you have previously earned As scored one paper a D and your mom kept fighting it all the way to the principal. That seemed a bit much.

I apologize for rushing to GreekChat judgment.

[nikki1920]

Tis cool. By HS, I was on my own.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

Tis cool. By HS, I was on my own.

Thank you for being so gracious about it.

[nikki1920]

I hope I'm not that kind of parent. I give my daughter the support to always do her best and try my best to let her deal with the consequences, good or bad. (She'll be in fifth grade next month.) Helicoptering, IMO, is when a parent tries to live the kids' life for them. Picking classes, picking schools, picking extra curricular activities, choosing roommates. Not letting the child live their own life and make their own decisions. My job now is to help my child learn how to make decisions and to walk her through the process if/when she gets stuck, not to do it for her. I help provide her with the tools to make sound decisions and live with the consequences. I am there to say, "watch out" and to pick her up when she falls.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

I hope I'm not that kind of parent. I give my daughter the support to always do her best and try my best to let her deal with the consequences, good or bad. (She'll be in fifth grade next month.) Helicoptering, IMO, is when a parent tries to live the kids' life for them. Picking classes, picking schools, picking extra curricular activities, choosing roommates. Not letting the child live their own life and make their own decisions. My job now is to help my child learn how to make decisions and to walk her through the process if/when she gets stuck, not to do it for her. I help provide her with the tools to make sound decisions and live with the consequences. I am there to say, "watch out" and to pick her up when she falls.

That sounds like great parenting to me.

And just for those that feel like what we need to be doing is toughening up the next generation:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...oduces_nothing

[srmom]

I will relate a story about a TRUE helicopter mom I know, and the repercussions of her meddling.

This mom has a daughter who is beautiful, intelligent, talented athletically, the whole shebang! This mother rode that poor girl unmercifully all of her young life.

Despite NEVER making a B (she graduated with my son as one of the Vals), despite being recruited by a Big 12 school in her sport and getting a FULL athletic scholarship, despite being a leader at school and in the community, the poor girl could never measure up to her mother's expectations.

Couple that with the fact that this mom is known in the community for meddling at school - if the daughter got a reputed less than stellar teacher, she was up at the school requesting a change - and somehow, even though it is against school policy, she got it; if the girl got a bad grade, she was up there threatening the teacher (in middle school, she showed up at the HOME of one of the teachers!!); she was OVER involved with the sports teams that her daughter was on, clearly living out her fantasies through the daughter. OKAY - this is clearly a helicopter mom!

So, this daughter goes off to college - 1st time out of the blinding spotlight put on her by her mom. She is under tremendous pressure with her sport, she is having to deal with classes and practices and travel with the team, and all without the constant overbearing "guidance" of her mom.

What happens? She totally burns out... After the first semester, she decides she's had enough and quits school, comes home, but doesn't live with her parents, she stays with a relative. She has transferred to another college, quit playing her sport (which is truly a shame because she was a phenom), and is moving on with her life in different circumstances.

That is the definition of a helicopter mom gone wild, and the subsequent fallout of said behavior.

[nikki1920]

Wow. How sad for her.

[Army Wife'79]

I know a woman who told both her sons that she would pay for college as long as their degree wasn't in the college of Liberal Arts or that their degree didn't end in "ology". Which means: math, engineering, Accounting or Business. I think that's kind of helicopter-ish. I mean, we all know those folks end up with the money, but still I think you have to realize if you are right brain/left brain and go that direction.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

I know a woman who told both her sons that she would pay for college as long as their degree wasn't in the college of Liberal Arts or that their degree didn't end in "ology". Which means: math, engineering, Accounting or Business. I think that's kind of helicopter-ish. I mean, we all know those folks end up with the money, but still I think you have to realize if you are right brain/left brain and go that direction.

That's exactly how my mom was.

[AOII_LB93]

Digression!

I've seen a lot of the "my parents want me to major in this" crap even at the HS level. My response to the student is usually something to the effect of "Are your parents taking the classes and doing the work for you too? No? Then choose the major that makes you happy or that you can channel into your interests." I'm not trying to undermine here, but I HATE it when people push stuff off on their kids because they want them to major in business/etc...I've met too many people who are unhappy in college because of parental expectations.

/end digression

Helicopter parents need to just stop.

[SWTXBelle]

I'm perfectly happy that my daughter is majoring in philosophy. Hey, I prefer the liberal arts - I figure that if my children learn to think and communicate, they can do almost anything they want.

That said, I am worried that I may have stepped over the helicopter line. But maybe not. Basically, my daughter hadn't replied to a text or a call for HOURS - and since this child keeps her cell phone on her at all times, I worried. And worried. And finally called the dorm, asking for then to just check on her, and tell her to call home.

Thank God, she had simply forgotten her phone. She is supposed to have a land line phone in her room, but hasn't gotten it yet. In my defense, I told her hey, I didn't call the POLICE.

I'm new to all this - and at least, I tell myself, I questioned whether or not I was going too far, and have a sense of humor. Right? Right?