What defines a helicopter parent?

[SWTXBelle]

With all of the discussion here about helicopter parents, I've been doing some thinking about parenting and where to draw the line. It also doesn't help that I'm packing off my eldest to college in a few short days.

I think all parents have an impulse to help and protect their children. I also think that most parents understand that you have to, from the child's earliest days , step back and let them start to seperate from you.

As an example, toddlers often stumble and fall. They will look at their parents for cues as to whether or not to be upset. I taught myself to say "Bingo!" whenever one of mine fell down, so they quickly learned to brush themselves off and get up again. Had I run with an icepack and band-aid to them every time they fell, they would have taken their cue from me and cried and wailed at every little bump. My rule - no blood, no band-aid.

The problem is when parents don't think about it at all - they automatically run in to make everything better, without giving their kids a chance to solve their problems on their own.

It's easy to be critical of heliparents, and I certainly don't want to let them off the hook. I worry about a generation of adults who aren't used to acting as adults. But I also can acknowledge that it's tough as a parent.

How do you define a helicopter parent? And why do you think we are suddenly seeing so many?

[pbear19]

I would say a defining characteristic is a parent who does things for their child that their child could easily do themselves. Not because the child needs them to, sometimes not even because the child wants them to. But because the parent wants to. If the child is capable of handling a matter on their own, they should do so.

I remember many a time when I was a teenager that my life would have been simpler (and lazier?) if my parents had completed a task for me. They never let me off that easy, I always had to handle my own business.

Examples - parents researching colleges and narrowing down the choices/making the choice, researching greek life, calling an employer to arrange an interview, following up with an employer to find out why the child wasn't hired, etc. Some things are ok to do on your own, potentially, if you are really curious. But make the kid do the legwork themselves. If you want to research colleges to know what your kid is getting themselves into, then do it behind the scenes, so you can ask appropriate questions. Don't do all the research and then present the findings so the child doesn't have to it themselves.

(Disclaimer that I was raised to be very independent and always made my own decisions, so in some ways it's hard for me to empathize with the reasons another person wouldn't be capable of making their own decisions.)

[Dionysus]

My parents are totally helicopter parents, and I knew this way before society created a name for it.

Here's some examples:
-Didn't want me to move out when I was younger, because they were scared that any roomates I had would take advantage of me...or if I lived alone, I would become a target for sexual assault from some perv.
-I recieve texts and/or phone calls from my mother several times a day when I go on road trips, it gets worse at night. She also tried to talk me out of driving on the last road trip, because it was my first time driving over 3 hours from home. Mind you, I'm closer to 30 than 20.
-I often conceal the location of my weekend plans, if they are downtown or near by...because my father would want to drop me off. He believes "the streets" will chew me up and spit me out.
-My mother is a college instructor, her students range anywhere from 18-35, in other words many of her students are my age or close. She sees this as an opportunity for her to pick potential boyfriends and female platonic friends for me. It was cool when I first began undergrad at my own college and didn't know anyone, but it didn't stop after I found friends. I believe she thinks she's a better judge of character or something.

The underlying reason for their behavior is that they believe that I am an innocent naive fragile little flower that needs their protection from the nasty nasty world. It doesn't help that my grandmother was very overprotective of my mother, when she was growing up, in fact it was a lot worse. I think my mother is imitating my grandmother's behavior to a degree. As for my father, he found himself in a lot of trouble when he was my age and a little younger, and he is scared that I'll follow in his footsteps.

I think my folks' concerns are legitimate, but I am grown and I believe I have good enough judegment to keep myself out of most unpleasant situations. I do engage in mild risk-taking behavior, but who doesn't in their 20s? Most people live to tell about it and most of us know our limitations. Life is about taking risks, hell, doing nothing and playing it too safe is taking a risk...because you can miss out on great opportunities.

[EE-BO]

I think we are suddenly seening so many HMs on GC since it is now obvious that they will be given a voice here they should not have. It is just like what happened when the AI forum promoted sorority shopping here- it eventually drew a crowd.

I am not a parent yet, but just from my life observations I think helicoptering is basically when a parent progressively resists the need to let a child make independent decisions and learn from mistakes. Such parents like to think they just love their kids and take better care of them than other parents, but that is a way to deny the very selfish and control-freak urge in them that thinks of children almost like pets in a way.

That is the mentality I have observed in friends of mine who had HMs.

I think it gets bad in sorority rush since that is a time when a young lady is expected to do her homework and present herself on her own merits and effort. Naturally an alumna parent can be in the background helping with recs and other tips- but when Mom actually starts making herself a visible presence is when I think a big line is crossed.

It could come in any form- be it coming here to whine or calling up nationals etc.- but the line is crossed, in my opinion, when Mom makes herself a visible presence at a point when she should not be in the picture at all.

[ComradesTrue]

Honestly, I think cell phones have a little bit to do with it, at least with college kids. Cell phones certainly aren't to blame for the whole problem, but can be a contributor of it.

Parents and children have become accomostomed to having immediate access with each other at any time of day. It is not uncommon to hear comments like "I talk to my mom/daughter at least 10 times a day." This shortens the cord considerably.

For those of us who were in school with either a line for a dorm phone or a regular phone in our dorm room (that charged long distance rates) calls were much more limited. I think I talked to my parents 1-2 times a week. Thus, I had to be virtually 100% independent at 18, solve my own problems, deal with life's difficulties, and basically just "grow up." I was on my own. It didn't mean I loved my parents less, it just meant that things were my responsiblity now.

I have posted this before, but the story is so appalling it bears repeating... I had a previous co-worker who had a son at a large university. He would call her- at work- upteen times a day, every day. On multiple occaisions he was upset about a grade and would ask her to call his professors to get the grade changed. And yes, she did it.

That is helicoptering. Stepping in and doing things for your child when developmentally they should be learning to do these things for themselves. But.. this is a perfect example that it can work both ways. Children learn that parents will do things for them and come to expect that. Oh the harsh realities when they go job searching!!

Back before that "immediate" parental/child access, the college student would have had no choice but to work out the grade issue themselves.

It is okay to love your child, want what is best for your child, and even be there to support your child. You can even hurt when your child is hurting. But... parents have to be willing to let their children experience disapointment, failure, and even pain. Constant attempts to shelter them from this, repeated efforts to do things for their children when the child should do for themselves, and blaming everyone *but* their child for problems are all symptoms of the FWAP/FWAP.

Great thread, SWTX.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by EE-BO

I think we are suddenly seening so many HMs on GC since it is now obvious that they will be given a voice here they should not have. It is just like what happened when the AI forum promoted sorority shopping here- it eventually drew a crowd.

I am not a parent yet, but just from my life observations I think helicoptering is basically when a parent progressively resists the need to let a child make independent decisions and learn from mistakes. Such parents like to think they just love their kids and take better care of them than other parents, but that is a way to deny the very selfish and control-freak urge in them that thinks of children almost like pets in a way.

That is the mentality I have observed in friends of mine who had HMs.

I think it gets bad in sorority rush since that is a time when a young lady is expected to do her homework and present herself on her own merits and effort. Naturally an alumna parent can be in the background helping with recs and other tips- but when Mom actually starts making herself a visible presence is when I think a big line is crossed.

It could come in any form- be it coming here to whine or calling up nationals etc.- but the line is crossed, in my opinion, when Mom makes herself a visible presence at a point when she should not be in the picture at all.

I agree.

Having Helimoms & dads are a big part of millennials' lives and how they were raised.

In t-ball, there were no "winners or losers".. everyone got participation trophies instead. The kids grew up so used to getting everything that all of a sudden when they are turned loose into the real world there are parents demanding to know why their precious top notch daughter got cut, or why their smart son didn't get the job he wanted.

Sorry to say, but that's life.

As a parent you don't want to see your kiddos hurt, but it's NOT your job to whine about it. It's your job to be there to support the kids going through their rough patch.

I think the line is cross like EE-BO said when the parent isn't just watching from the sidelines anymore. They're front and center - giving us the play by play of their stellar daughter/son's rush.

I think if those young men & women really wanted their story posted on the internet, they should be perfectly capable to post it themselves. They should also be perfectly capable to ask the questions they have ON THEIR OWN.

My parents did not take part in me looking at colleges. They told me to figure out which ones I was interested in and if I wanted to we'd go visit them. My mom didn't ask random questions on internet chat boards about recs or sororities or rush or anything. I told them I was interested in joining a sorority. My mom said "Great - tell us how that goes for you". My parents also did not take part in my job hunt after I graduated. Why? Because I am independent and capable of doing all those things for myself.

[srmom]

You know, I may just be in a bad mood or something, but I'm really beginning to get sick of these Helicopter Mom threads. From my perspective, many of the moms who are being accused of helicoptering are not really doing so. They have come on to this "open" forum because their kids are rushing and they have questions. In most cases they are encouraged to post what's going on with their daughters, and then when they show the slightest worry or concern, they're accused of helicoptering. There are some who attack at the slightest sign of this - I'll call them Black Hawks, they are perfect fighting machines, and boy howdy, they'll shoot you down at the slightest sign of weakness.

As parents, sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we don't. Over a child's lifetime in your home, you basically have 18 years of decision making, hopefully you make more right ones than wrong. As for my own kids, I made worse decisions with the first one - probably helicoptering more than I should because I was a newbie and scared to make a mistake. I learned from him and have become much more standoffish with my other kids to the point that yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are) he's on his own. So what happens? He's sitting in the dark with no plumbing with me telling him, "It's your problem, you fix it, but I advise you to use your neighbors toilet for sanitary reasons."

Now, as to my oldest who I "helicoptered", he is a senior in college with a full time job, paying his own rent, utilities, and expenses - he never asks for help or money, he does everything on his own, so I guess my hovering didn't hurt him in the long run.

All the judging could possibly be way off base, and if this forum should be restricted to only those without children or those who only post the "right" responses, then perhaps moderators should block them.

[Kasey383]

i definitely agree I think cell phones have a big thing to do with it

[pbear19]

srmom - from my perspective, I think that perhaps if we had a better definition of what a helicopter parent is, which this thread should allow, then we might just have fewer instances of people being accused of helicoptering when they in fact are not. I think this thread could be very helpful.

There are moms on this board that are definitely not helicopter moms, but it's still hard for some of us who are really independent to appreciate where they are coming from. I think this thread might alleviate some of the stigma of being a mom on GC in general, if it plays out.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by pbear19

srmom - from my perspective, I think that perhaps if we had a better definition of what a helicopter parent is, which this thread should allow, then we might just have fewer instances of people being accused of helicoptering when they in fact are not. I think this thread could be very helpful.

There are moms on this board that are definitely not helicopter moms, but it's still hard for some of us who are really independent to appreciate where they are coming from. I think this thread might alleviate some of the stigma of being a mom on GC in general, if it plays out.

well said.

I was working on my own response to srmom, but you said it best.

ETA: I also agree that some of the current moms are certainly not helicoptering, but I can also appreciate that long-time GCers have been subjected to those who were, which can make one skeptical of all moms who show up for the first time during recruitment season. Does it make it right? No. But, I can see both sides of the issue.

[33girl]

srmom - I don't think SWTXbelle is accusing anyone in particular of helicoptering - just opening up a dialogue on what the term really means.

(Knock on wood) I've seen far fewer of the helicopter moms posting this year - it seems to mostly be worried parents who need a place to vent and express their worries (so they don't convey them to their child) as their kids go through rush. I don't think that's helicoptering at all. Helicoptering is the mom or dad who comes on here looking for recs for their daughter.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by 33girl

srmom - I don't think SWTXbelle is accusing anyone in particular of helicoptering - just opening up a dialogue on what the term really means.

(Knock on wood) I've seen far fewer of the helicopter moms posting this year - it seems to mostly be worried parents who need a place to vent and express their worries (so they don't convey them to their child) as their kids go through rush. I don't think that's helicoptering at all. Helicoptering is the mom or dad who comes on here looking for recs for their daughter.

But no one's been cut out or dropped out of recruitment yet or matched to the "wrong" group.

That said, I don't think that every mom interested in how her daughter is doing during recruitment is a helicopter mom.

But here's the thing that I think parents over thirty should ask themselves: can you imagine your own parents doing the stuff that you are about to do. Unless you had especially neglectful parents, if the answer to the question is no, you are probably stepping into helicopter land.

I think parents tell themselves that life has changed in some profound way to justify doing things for their kids that parents didn't need to do in previous generations, and the truth is that no such change has really taken place. The world has always been dangerous and somewhat hostile. Schools have always had policies that didn't necessarily result in kids getting what they wanted. Desirable classes, clubs and activities have always excluded some worthy kids. It's not normal to think that you need to intervene to change the world to get your kid what your kid or you think your kid wants right then.

Simply because we have technology today that makes doing more for your kid easier doesn't mean that you should do it.

(And I'll say that I don't think getting recs for your daughter is new or helicopter-y really. I think recs have always been a game played with parental connection as much as personal connection to the girl. Now, contacting the people who do actually know your daughter (like teachers) rather than contacting people who primarily know you (like people you knew in college) is helicoptering because that's something your daughter should do.)

I also think a standard for helicoptering that would be very hard to recognize in one's self but that tends to be more transparent to other people is the motivation for the parental action. Are you doing stuff for your kid because you have no life and accomplishment of your own at present? At the point you are doing stuff for your kid because you live through your kid, you've got a problem. I'm going to add, although I want to make really clear that I'm not calling anyone on GreekChat out, that I think the spouses who stay at home but who are uprooted by their spouses career frequently are most at risk for this if they don't watch themselves. It's really easy in a new community if you don't work to let setting up your kid's life take over. And once everything you do is about the kid, the lines of healthy behavior are harder to see.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Kasey383

i definitely agree I think cell phones have a big thing to do with it

Oh, it was happening long before cell phones. The helipcopter moms of Boy Scouts in our troop (30 years ago) used to drive my father crazy. In my experience, you can often pick out the helicopter-parents-to-be when the kids are in kindergarten. (See SWTXBelle's falling down example. Or go to a kid's soccer game.)

As a parent, I agree with srmom, at least up to a point. I think there is a big difference, for example, between

(1) the mom or dad who comes to GC with questions to better understand how rush/recruitment works, what's involved, how it's changed since they were in school, etc., so that they have a good point of reference when talking with their children and can be a good parental sounding board if asked and if appropriate; and

(2) the mom or dad who are running the show for the kids and don't wait to be asked or worry about whether they're keeping the kids from making their own decisions and their own mistakes.

The former parents know when to say "you've got to figure this out/take care of this yourself." The latter don't.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

I don't know if my mom would be considered a helicopter mom, but she was a very controlling mother. She didn't do stuff for me. She made me do it myself. But she had her ideas about how I should live my life, and it was like "This is the college you're going to. This is what you're going to major in." As for joining a sorority, my mom didn't get why I was getting involved in student orgs. She's the stereotypical Chinese mom. She didn't understand why networking and developing leadership skills and learning to work in group setting were important. She would get mad that I wasn't spending all my time studying in library.

She kinda acted like she owned us because she gave birth to us. My freshman year of college, my mom was waitressing at a Korean/Japanese restaurant. The owner asked her if I would be available to help bus tables on New Year's Eve. My mom didn't even ask me if it was ok with me. She told the owner "Oh yeah, she'll do it. I'll make her". I was pissed when she told me. I would have been fine with it if she had asked me first. She, of course, got angry that I was "giving her attitude and being a spoiled brat".

I eventually had to cut her out of my life, for my own sanity. She constantly belittled and invalidated my feelings. When at 19 I told her that I was depressed and suicidal and had been since I was 12, she told me that I was ungrateful for everything she gave me and all the sacrifices she made for me. She told me that I had no right to feel what I felt because I hadn't had the rough childhood she had. She told me that it was because I had too much time on my hands...that if I had to work three jobs like her, I wouldn't have time to think my stupid thoughts. Then she told me that if I really felt my life was so awful, maybe I should just go kill myself. And the bullshit thing was that I had always been there for her. Growing up, I had been her confidante. She would tell me how I was her best friend. And looking back, I think it was unfair of her to be confiding in me about how her marriage was falling apart when I was 14. But I was there for her. I was a good listener. I was a shoulder to cry on. And so it hurt so much that she reacted the way she did and that she wasn't there for me when I had been there for her. And it was so painful to see her being there for her boyfriend and being supportive when he was feeling depressed.

She lives less than 20 miles away from me. I haven't seen or talked to her in more than four years, and I have absolutely no desire to do so ever again.

Sorry for all the rambling and ranting, but I do have a point. For me, I woud define a helicopter mom as someone who wants to have control over every aspect of her child's life and who behaves like what she wants for her kids supercedes what her kids want for their own lives and who acts like her kids are just an extension of herself rather than their own separate persons. I feel like they hold on so tight because they're trying to keep their kids. However, all it's going to do is either hamper your child for life or cause you to lose them forever when they finally get the balls to get out of that bad situation.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by srmom

yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are) ...

Love it!