Dating/Friends With Introverted Guy

I found a thread here on introverted guys, but it was dated a while ago, so I hope nobody minds I start a new thread.

I have a friend guy who is introverted to whom I like, of course. I am a bit introverted myself, but I want to open up and express my feelings comfortably and try to learn to be an extrovert and all. I was wondering in any kind of relationship with an introverted person, is there a constant need to pick up the "slack" on your end when together? Will the introverted person ever, ever truly and flat out tell a person how much they care and openly feel comfortable with a person they are with? Or are they always going to hide in a corner and not say everything that is on their mind?

In other words, is being with an introverted person(once they are comfortable with you) a lot of work to keep going in a relationship or is it just initially during the start out?

[1stSoon2BePhD]

I can't speak for every introverted man but I can speak for my own boyfriend. We have been together for over 5 years and he is very introverted. In the beginning, it was hard for him to tell me how he felt to my face and he would opt for a phone conversation or written communication because he is a very good writer. He has gotten much better at this (it didn't take five years - only a matter of months) and he can now tell me exactly how he feels face-to-face.

Before I knew just how introverted he is and that he is not shy by choice, I would get offended when I would tell him exactly how I was feeling and he would merely say "Aww, thank you. That's so sweet" and he wouldn't reciprocate. Part of it is helping the other person along and letting them know that you care so that when the time comes and they are ready, they will not be afraid to talk to you. Part of it is understanding that some peoples shyness is deeply rooted and knowing that you have to be supportive. The most important part is to be patient and allow them to come around to you.

Very interesting! thank you.

In the beginning when you two would be communicating, what kept you going about him? I mean if you didn't know how he felt, and all he said when you told him how you felt was "awww, thank you," with no reciprocation then how did you know he cared ever? You said you would get offended.

Isn't it tiring to keep expressing your care, but with none in return? I'm patient of course, but sometimes it just seems not worth it if you are the one looking for love and have been in situations like this before ei) bad breakups, relationships, etc in the past.

One other thing, if you were gone for a time in the beginning, away from him, did he ever express he missed you at all when you came back? Or was it just a one way street relationship for a very long time?

Just trying to understand this. Thanks so much!

[1stSoon2BePhD]

Originally Posted by yougc

Very interesting! thank you.

In the beginning when you two would be communicating, what kept you going about him? I mean if you didn't know how he felt, and all he said when you told him how you felt was "awww, thank you," with no reciprocation then how did you know he cared ever? You said you would get offended.

Isn't it tiring to keep expressing your care, but with none in return? I'm patient of course, but sometimes it just seems not worth it if you are the one looking for love and have been in situations like this before ei) bad breakups, relationships, etc in the past.

One other thing, if you were gone for a time in the beginning, away from him, did he ever express he missed you at all when you came back? Or was it just a one way street relationship for a very long time?

Just trying to understand this. Thanks so much!

My boyfriend has always been a very sweet and caring individual. He showed how much he loved me from his selfless acts. I always knew that he felt very strongly about me and was just not able to say it. I did wonder a lot in the beginning why he never reciprocated and I did take it personally. Here is what I think - I am a person who believes that there is somebody out there for everyone. The way that my boyfriend treats me is the way that I feel I should be treated by any guy I decide to be with because he is just THAT good to me. No matter who you are with, you and the other person will always have issues. The hard part is determining which issues you can live with (he snores, he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, etc) and which issues you can't put up with. I decided early on that it was something I would help him work through. I know that I am not "every woman" and that many women would expect him to express himself more. It is something that I live with knowing that I am not perfect either and I have issues that I also need to work on. We are just two imperfect people but we are just right for each other.

Of course, if you think the relationship is worth it, you need to talk to him about it ... while we both know that he is introverted, he is constantly working on becoming more social and I have brought it to his attention more than once in the past.

And to answer your last question, he would ALWAYS tell me how much he missed me. As a matter of fact, our relationship is long distance right now and he always tells me that he misses me and he gets very excited when we are going to see each other. I hope I answered everything that you asked!

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by yougc

Very interesting! thank you.

In the beginning when you two would be communicating, what kept you going about him? I mean if you didn't know how he felt, and all he said when you told him how you felt was "awww, thank you," with no reciprocation then how did you know he cared ever? You said you would get offended.

Isn't it tiring to keep expressing your care, but with none in return? I'm patient of course, but sometimes it just seems not worth it if you are the one looking for love and have been in situations like this before ei) bad breakups, relationships, etc in the past.

One other thing, if you were gone for a time in the beginning, away from him, did he ever express he missed you at all when you came back? Or was it just a one way street relationship for a very long time?

Just trying to understand this. Thanks so much!

i'm curious to know: what about his actions? do his actions show that he cares? there are different languages of love- let's see if i can remember them
-physical touch/affection
-words of affirmation
-gifts
-acts of service
-quality time

does ur bf do any of these? while he may not be verbally expressing how he feels, perhaps he is doing it in another way.

just something to consider.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker

i'm curious to know: what about his actions? do his actions show that he cares? there are different languages of love- let's see if i can remember them
-physical touch/affection
-words of affirmation
-gifts
-acts of service
-quality time

does ur bf do any of these? while he may not be verbally expressing how he feels, perhaps he is doing it in another way.

just something to consider.

Cool. I want and need all of those and chose my significant other accordingly.

People need to know what they want and need and go for it. If you feel you're settling for what's available, then you are settling for what's available. It is realistic and possible to get everything you want and need.

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Cool. I want and need all of those and chose my significant other accordingly.

People need to know what they want and need and go for it. If you feel you're settling for what's available, then you are settling for what's available. It is realistic and possible to get everything you want and need.

lol, i want them all too, but i think that people are dominant in some and not so much in others. although i feel like my bf and i are becoming more well-rounded to meet each others' needs.

[DrPhil]

I think you need to know whether he's truly an "introvert" or whether there's something else going on. People assume that "introverts" are shy, have some type of anxiety, or have a problem with relationships but this is not necessarily the case. Sometimes "introvert" is an excuse that people use to behave the way they do. I looked up "introvert" in wikipedia to lazily refamiliarize myself with the labels of "introvert" and "extrovert."

With that said, I couldn't deal with a man who I had to be the voice of the relationship and the one who expressed my emotions, while always trying to figure out what he's feeling or getting him to express himself. Yougc, only you know this man and whether dealing with him on a nonplatonic level is really worth it. If you feel it is worth your patience and your constant need to probe him, then remember that you will be getting what you figuratively signed up for. Just know yourself first because you may never really know him. Or you may really know him because he may open up to you--that's all up to him regardless of how hard you try.

Good luck.

[1stSoon2BePhD]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Sometimes "introvert" is an excuse that people use to behave the way they do.

I never thought about this, but I agree. You have to know exactly what you are dealing with. In my case, my boyfriend has a history of being withdrawn in social situations. Every situation is different.

[agzg]

I wouldn't call live-in introverted but he is very shy and cautious with his feelings. We just took it slow. I stayed with him through that because I knew I loved him. Took us a while but we got there eventually.

[DrPhil]

Thanks, Drolefile.

There was nothing too groundbreaking in what Greg Behrandt said as a writer/consultant for SATC, in his book, in his talk show, and for the movie. It really goes without saying and people have to take all advice with as many grains of salt as they choose.

Long story short, people aren't as difficult to figure out as they pretend to be. As agzg's post shows, those who want to express themselves and make a relationship work do exactly that even if it takes a little longer. There's no game playing. If a man is hard to figure out and you haven't invested that much time into him yet, that's the perfect time to consider exiting stage left.

It would probably be that way the way things are difficult with my situation. It's all me. I guess I don't have enough experience to really know what is good vs. bad when it comes to relationships. I don't have the life lessons or the friend examples. I'm just going on a whim or I won't be on here discussing it.

[BluPhire]

Being an introvert myself (a true introvert) a lot of people that use (and especially the ones I'm reading here) are not the true definition of introversion. We are not shy, and we definitely aren't against talking to people or groups. It pretty much boils down to if we had a choice we find pleasure in doing things on our own instead of always kicking it with a group.

I still kicked it with my frat brothers, but I call very few friend...even fewer close friend. But those that I call friend, you would think I was the most extroverted person in the room. At the end of the day though, I felt it was more my "duty" in the frat to make appearances (small chapter) until we got larger and more frat brothers became the face of the org.

My wife didn't understand me at first because she took my introversion as shyness. She didn't realize I like to choose my words around people, especially people I don't know, because well i don't know them...and I could care less what people thought of me. It caused controversy...but then as she got to know me (and compared me to other family members who are very extroverted) she respected that I don't try to quickly take over a room. Helps keep foot in mouth disease at bay. She knows that when I do speak to people it is out of an obligation to being cordial. I could careless about making friendship with you when I first meet you. Now if you got a shy person who can't even communicate their feelings, that's not introversion...that's somebody that is socially inept.

Originally Posted by BluPhire

Being an introvert myself (a true introvert) a lot of people that use (and especially the ones I'm reading here) are not the true definition of introversion. We are not shy, and we definitely aren't against talking to people or groups. It pretty much boils down to if we had a choice we find pleasure in doing things on our own instead of always kicking it with a group.

I still kicked it with my frat brothers, but I call very few friend...even fewer close friend. But those that I call friend, you would think I was the most extroverted person in the room. At the end of the day though, I felt it was more my "duty" in the frat to make appearances (small chapter) until we got larger and more frat brothers became the face of the org.

My wife didn't understand me at first because she took my introversion as shyness. She didn't realize I like to choose my words around people, especially people I don't know, because well i don't know them...and I could care less what people thought of me. It caused controversy...but then as she got to know me (and compared me to other family members who are very extroverted) she respected that I don't try to quickly take over a room. Helps keep foot in mouth disease at bay. She knows that when I do speak to people it is out of an obligation to being cordial. I could careless about making friendship with you when I first meet you. Now if you got a shy person who can't even communicate their feelings, that's not introversion...that's somebody that is socially inept.

Yes well that's all fine and dandy. But when was it your turn to finally tell/show her that you loved her? I mean she had her patience with you, and this is a wonderful experience thank you for sharing, but if an introvert was careful around people at first and careless about friendship then when is it ok for them to express? Ever? How and when did you final make a move and pass that introverted transition? Because if a relationship is only a one way street, no matter how much patience the other person has, that introverted person will never express anything if that is his/her nature.

[BluPhire]

Originally Posted by yougc

Yes well that's all fine and dandy. But when was it your turn to finally tell/show her that you loved her? I mean she had her patience with you, and this is a wonderful experience thank you for sharing, but if an introvert was careful around people at first and careless about friendship then when is it ok for them to express? Ever? How and when did you final make a move and pass that introverted transition? Because if a relationship is only a one way street, no matter how much patience the other person has, that introverted person will never express anything if that is his/her nature.

You missed the point. We have no problem showing love. Introverted =\= (does not equal) don't know how to show your spouse how you feel about them. What you are describing is somebody with social issues, possibly somebody who hates confrontation. Introverts have no problem telling somebody about themselves, especially if they have an issue with that person.