Daughter's friend's recruitment

[ellebud]

This is a cautionary tale for pnms:

Last fall at a different unversity than where my pnm goes her friend went through recruitment. She was a double legacy at one house, but refused to consider that house. And that is certainly acceptable, but given her reasoning, maybe not so much. They were LOSERS and nerds, in her estimation, so she looked elsewhere.

Friend went into recruitment blind, even though my daughter (who was by that time a pledge having gone through recruitment 4 weeks earlier) tried to give her the 411 on how to prepare. Friend didn't get the houses that she wanted and dropped out. Friend told me that she was "rude" (those were her words, not mine) at her legacy house and several other houses that weren't good enough for her. The Reluctant One cringed and then mentioned that behavior gets around to all the houses.

HOWEVER, there was a chapter reorganizing and she pledged that one. From the mom's description, it was a mess. Since the national owned the house it was under refurbishment. And Monday night dinners consisted crackers and some snack type food. Friend depledged.

Friend decided to go through informal. One house, in her estimation, suited her needs. Her friend, a member there, invited her to an event. Friend was told that, after that event, the house didn't get around to voting on COB candidates. So, Friend decided to go through formal spring recruitment.

This time she was prepared, at least sartorially. But, she and her mom told me, out of the 8 or so houses, Friend was only interested in two or possibly three. The Reluctant One strongly advised the open mind thing. The Reluctant One strongly suggested that she just go and have a good time.

Friend went through with 4 friends. Two received bids to a higher tier house. One received a bid to a middle tier house. (These tiers were according to the Friend). Her roomate received a bid to what Friend considers a lower tier house. Friend received a Pref invite to the lower tier house, and refused to go. (Can you imagine that pairing in the dorms next year?).

Friend has now determined that she is going to COB the "top" house next fall. She has a friend in that house who will "make sure that she gets a bid". Reluctant One mentioned that if it is the "top" house they won't be doing COB right after formal, but well, Friend knows better.

In a nutshell, this recruitment saga, is the cautionary tale to pnms. This saga isn't about having unfortunate things befall and have to drop out. Nor is it about restructuring finances, illness, or schoolwork. It is, pure and simple, about a recruitment that was only about perceived status that one acquires upon pledging.

[APhiAnna]

I am 99.99% sure I know what school you are talking about, and about 80% sure I know what chapter she is aiming for and the one she depledged. If that is how her recruitment panned out so far, word has absolutely gotten around and she doesn't have a shot in hell at her dream chapter.

I know that wisdom comes with age, but I wish these PNMs could see how foolish they are being by deciding they only want chapters they apparently have NOTHING in common with, and turning down invites to houses that they have so many commonalities with! It's absurd!

[KSUViolet06]

First off, ellebud, you seem to be a really good resource to your kids and their friends when it comes to recruitment.

I think the issue is with PNMs wanting to be in the chapter with the girls who are most like who they WANT to be. Not necessarily who they have the most in common with at that time.

You want to BE Miss Perfect Popular House, but you have more in common with Nice Regular Girl House. You don't realize that the girls who get invites and bids to Miss Perfect Popular are those that have the most in common with them. You are looking at what you WANT to be and missing out on potential opportunities with others.

Like it or not, not everyone is going to be a Miss Perfect House. That's just the way it is.

[Splash]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

First off, ellebud, you seem to be a really good resource to your kids and their friends when it comes to recruitment.

I think the issue is with PNMs wanting to be in the chapter with the girls who are most like who they WANT to be. Not necessarily who they have the most in common with at that time.

You want to BE Miss Perfect Popular House, but you have more in common with Nice Regular Girl House. You don't realize that the girls who get invites and bids to Miss Perfect Popular are those that have the most in common with them. You are looking at what you WANT to be and missing out on potential opportunities with others.

Like it or not, not everyone is going to be a Miss Perfect House. That's just the way it is.

Aren't most of the differences in "tiers" though having to do with looks? I find nice/snotty girls in every chapter, it seems that these stereotypes are only based on appearances. Is this what you mean by not fitting in or having more in common with a girl who looks more like you? Not trying to start anything

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by Splash

Aren't most of the differences in "tiers" though having to do with looks? I find nice/snotty girls in every chapter, it seems that these stereotypes are only based on appearances. Is this what you mean by not fitting in or having more in common with a girl who looks more like you? Not trying to start anything

I'll say this...when I went through I am positive I could've been in the "top" sorority on my campus (it's not a competitive campus), which is mostly fit, blond, tanned, and pretty girls, especially pageant girls. I did have a bunch of unfair stereotypes about them, but even if I did have more in common with them than I did I wouldn't have felt like I fit in as well as everyone else...I wasn't blond, tanned, and certainly didn't do pageants. It sounds shallow but who isn't at 18? I would've felt like I had to spend every moment looking my best just to keep up and be mediocre in that chapter...the chapter I joined was more diverse and I felt like I wouldn't have to worry nearly as much about my appearance just to fit in. That kind of thing matters when you're a freshman going through rush.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Splash

Aren't most of the differences in "tiers" though having to do with looks? I find nice/snotty girls in every chapter, it seems that these stereotypes are only based on appearances. Is this what you mean by not fitting in or having more in common with a girl who looks more like you? Not trying to start anything

No.

It's more than just looks.

For example: Let's say that all the girls in Miss Perfect Popular all went to the same prep schools, vacationed in Europe every summer, all talk about shopping/make-up clothes from the sme stores, play tennis together at the same clubs, and are all from the same area. They share common experiences throughout their lives, and yes, some of them might have the same looks.

If you haven't been to Europe, went to a regular school, are not really into the things they talk about, and don't like tennis, you are not going to have alot in common with a Miss Perfect Popular. If everyone in Miss Perfect Popular has similar interests, chances are good that they are going to be most interested in those girls who have the same.

Sometimes, a PNM will look at Miss Perfect Poular House and realize that they're great but not for her (not alot in common). If Miss Perfect Pop. cuts them, no biggie. They understand that they don't really fit there and look at the others that chose to invite them back.

Other PNMs might have nothing in common with them, but decide that they want to be a Miss Perfect Popular (because that's the type of person they WANT to be.) So if they are cut by Miss Perfect House, they refuse to look at others. They may have more in common with other houses, but they are stuck on who they aspire to be.

I find that it's the same for other chapter. Ex: Nice Regular House. They all went to the same regular school, maybe from the same small towns, enjoyed doing outdoor things and playing sports. They aren't really big on talking about shopping. If you are a Miss Popular House kind of girl, you are probably not going to be super interested in Nice Regular.

I could be crazy here and way off. lol. Feedback welcome.

[Splash]

Ok, gotcha. Question, what do you think about when girls who vaca in Europe every summer, went to private school, are pretty, like to go shopping, etc that whole list you mentioned, get cut by those chapters? Wouldn't you say that they don't have as much in common with the other chapters just like the "regular" girls might not have as much in common with the Pretty Miss Popular chapter? just wondering

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by Splash

Ok, gotcha. Question, what do you think about when girls who vaca in Europe every summer, went to private school, are pretty, like to go shopping, etc that whole list you mentioned, get cut by those chapters? Wouldn't you say that they don't have as much in common with the other chapters just like the "regular" girls might not have as much in common with the Pretty Miss Popular chapter? just wondering

I don't see the point in speculating about hypothetical circumstances/situations/people. ellebud & ksuviolet have given excellent advice, as have the other posters. This is a cautionary tale that PNMs should take to heart.

[Splash]

Originally Posted by Splash

Ok, gotcha. Question, what do you think about when girls who vaca in Europe every summer, went to private school, are pretty, like to go shopping, etc that whole list you mentioned, get cut by those chapters? Wouldn't you say that they don't have as much in common with the other chapters just like the "regular" girls might not have as much in common with the Pretty Miss Popular chapter? just wondering

No one has to answer me, I just posted a question, no big deal

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Splash

Ok, gotcha. Question, what do you think about when girls who vaca in Europe every summer, went to private school, are pretty, like to go shopping, etc that whole list you mentioned, get cut by those chapters? Wouldn't you say that they don't have as much in common with the other chapters just like the "regular" girls might not have as much in common with the Pretty Miss Popular chapter? just wondering

Are you saying does a Miss Popular get cut from a The Miss Popular chapter?

Sure. Sometimes it's because she has a "reputation" among the Miss Popular type groups. Sometimes there are too many Miss Populars and someone has to be cut.

And yes, it's possible for a Miss Popular to be cut by Nice Regular House. Nice Regular might feel as if they already know that Miss Popular is not going to be interested, and might cut her.

Of course, these are just my own thoughts. Every school and recruitment is different and anything can happen. There are plenty of instances of certain chapters taking on girls who are different than they are. It happens.

[ellebud]

Much of what I learned about recruitment came from my experience so many years ago, what happened to my older daughter and then armed with those experiences and GreekChat my youngest's recruitment. Yes, future PNMs read the information here and research your school.

KSUViolet: You are 100% correct. PNMs should look at who they are...........really are. And that is not a negative. One house that my daughter was really interested in (and they in her) until the discussion about trips came up. She had "only" been to Hawaii (every summer), New York, the Caribbean......but never to Africa (swear to G..) and exotic locations. It wasn't a "fit". (That was one example) She moved on....and loves the house that she pledged and was initiated into this year. No fault here or there, there wasn't a fit.

[ellebud]

I think that college is a time of change and growth. This is the first time that many young women are testing the waters in the great big ocean. Obviously EVERY high school has a popular clique. What happens when you have hundreds of bright, beautiful girls ALL of whom were somebody in high school suddenly in one huge recruitment class? Not everyone will be Miss Popularity, and that is perfectly ok, as long as you (the girl) understands that she is still that wonderful, beautiful, smart funny girl that she was four months ago.

Perhaps you're from a small town. Your fashion may have been perfect.....there. Your knowledge of what's in and what's no was perfect.......there. Suddenly you find yourself at......Harvard. EVERYONE there was the best and the brightest in their hometown. Now, someone will be at the bottom, some will be in the middle and one person will graduate first in their class. You try your best, you march to a new tune and hopefully you'll evolve into the wonderful adult that you are meant to become. Some kids run home because they don't have the "stuff" to find a new self. What matters is the education and the friends you make along the way. And sometimes you get hit in the nose with the "wrong" bid, or no bid. Then it's what you make of it that counts.

[littleowl33]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I think the issue is with PNMs wanting to be in the chapter with the girls who are most like who they WANT to be. Not necessarily who they have the most in common with at that time.

Originally Posted by ellebud

Perhaps you're from a small town. Your fashion may have been perfect.....there. Your knowledge of what's in and what's no was perfect.......there. Suddenly you find yourself at......Harvard. EVERYONE there was the best and the brightest in their hometown. Now, someone will be at the bottom, some will be in the middle and one person will graduate first in their class. You try your best, you march to a new tune and hopefully you'll evolve into the wonderful adult that you are meant to become.

THIS and THIS.

I think a lot of girls come to college with the expectation that they're going to reinvent themselves. They're in a totally new environment, oftentimes with no one who knew them in high school. However, when they realize that a few months and a new wardrobe isn't going to magically change them from the average girl they were in high school to the queen of their college campus (who is, consequently, a member of the "top" sorority), it's a big blow to their self-confidence. Not all girls handle it with the grace and maturity they should. Some will join the group they truly fit in with and learn to flourish there - and love it - and learn that popularity or image or what-have-you isn't going to be what makes you really happy. Some will end up this the OP's PNM. I think it's pretty obvious which scenario makes that girl look worse in the end.

Not to mention the fact that the PNMs who do somehow find their way into the "top" group (when they know in their hearts that it's who they want to be, not who they are) are rarely very happy. I have quite a few friends who made it into their dream group by acting like someone they weren't and discovered after a few months that it wasn't where they should have ended up. It turned out they had nothing in common with their sisters (surprise!) and they felt like an outsider. Some deactivated, but some stuck with it for the prestige of continuing to wear those letters, even though they meant nothing to them. Sad.

[Splash]

Originally Posted by littleowl33

Not to mention the fact that the PNMs who do somehow find their way into the "top" group (when they know in their hearts that it's who they want to be, not who they are) are rarely very happy. I have quite a few friends who made it into their dream group by acting like someone they weren't and discovered after a few months that it wasn't where they should have ended up. It turned out they had nothing in common with their sisters (surprise!) and they felt like an outsider. Some deactivated, but some stuck with it for the prestige of continuing to wear those letters, even though they meant nothing to them. Sad.

I don't see how you can say this, when this seems to be the exact opposite of the advice we give when someone receives her lower choice chapter. It is quite rare that with the right effort, most PNMs can fit into and be happy/flourish with the bid that they are given.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Splash

I don't see how you can say this, when this seems to be the exact opposite of the advice we give when someone receives her lower choice chapter. It is quite rare that with the right effort, most PNMs can fit into and be happy/flourish with the bid that they are given.

There's a difference though. If you're not being yourself throughout recruitment to 'fake it' into the group of your dreams, then you're more likely to be unhappy than if you are yourself and get into a group that wants you for you. If you're not being yourself, even a positive, perky, social version of yourself, you'll probably find that you don't actually fit in.