I need advice about the boyfriend... (this is long)

[ausguals]

So basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years...It will be two in September. He goes to Georgia Tech, I go to UGA....I transferred there from App State, which was about 5 hours away, to be closer to him (and to go to a much better school for my major, journalism.).

Basically, there are a few issues here that I need to vent/get feedback on...

The first is that he whines and whines about how I need to come visit him this summer (I'm five hours away again, at home with my family, and he is in ATL still). However, I only have a part-time job and am trying to save money to go to NYC next spring (I don't travel a lot so while I could go on the bare minimum on the visit, I'd rather do it RIGHT)...and I also have to pay for ALL my college...which, after grad school, will probably be somewhere between $80,000-$100,000. So, needless to say, driving 323 miles to and from Atlanta really isn't the best idea right now and he doesn't really understand that and gets upset when I say that I can't afford it, or take time off work, or, needless to say, add 600 miles to a car that already has 200k+ miles on it. He, on the other hand, has a brand new jeep, a job that pays almost $2,000 a month (full time internship) and is paying for little to none of his college education.

The other bone I have to pick is that way back in say, November, I asked him to accompany me to my cousins wedding in New Jersey. This is a BIG issue for me, because I really REALLY want him to meet my family (hell, its been two years, the boy IS my family)...so we had it all planned out, my parents were paying for EVERYTHING of his, and he was going to come. Well, since he got the internship, he said he wouldn't be able to get time off work. So we had to cancel all of his reservations and blahblah, I was EXTREMELY disappointed...it really meant a lot to me. Now, however, he seems to be able to take "half days" on both a Monday and a Friday and fly down to Miami for some concert thing for a weekend...but wasn't able to figure something like that out for my cousins wedding when i suggested it.

Adding onto the family thing..If we were in a normal relationship (and even when we are both home, for that matter), he would be welcome over to my house at ANY time when my family was gathering or even when i was just sitting around (With the exception of like, past 2 am)..and would ALWAYS be welcome for a family meal at my house, even if it was on a wednesday night and it was just my mom and my brother and i eating grilled cheese. However, his family really isn't that welcoming in that sense and they are having a fourth of july small gathering for his best friend who is moving to japan. Is it incredibly wrong of me to be upset over this? I mean, at this point, shouldn't he consider me as family as I do him?

Am I just whining a whole lot and making a big deal out of things or is this stuff that actually makes sense to be upset over??? I love him and I really don't want to break up with him or anything but it seems after reading this that I have serious issues...

[tld221]

i dont think YOU have issues, but your relationship clearly does. it sounds like you give more of you in this relationship than he does. perhaps hes just not as into you (as you are into him).

hell, you transferred schools to be near him (yeah yeah, better for the major, whatever). would he have done the same for you?

are you whining a whole lot? yes. should you make a big deal? sure, you been with him for 2 years. but what, this is your freshman/sophomore year? whatever, college is a time of change and your lives are going in all sorts of directions. maybe this has been going on all along and youre wising up to realize it.

[Xidelt]

He's selfish. Totally not meeting you in the middle. If you want more of the same stay with him. If not, dump him.

[DArtist]

It seems that many sacrifices have been made on your end, but not a clear understanding by him of what this relationship entails, and what is needed to make it work for both of you.

If you keep reaching your hand out, you will truly miss the blessing that is freely given to you. He doesn't see how good he has it right now. Let him know, and if he still doesn't get it, focus on school.

[preciousjeni]

Kick him to the curb.

[KSUViolet06]

You two need to have a conversation and tell him what you're telling us. If you're going to do the distance thing, he has to be willing to meet you in the middle sometimes too. You have to talk about this or it's not going to get better and it'll still be the same and you'll be mad all the time.

[laylo]

As long as you are willing to take this kind of crap, he's going to take advantage. You need to be firm about your standards of how you want to be treated and if your partner is too selfish, immature, etc. to meet the non-negotiables, save yourself the heartache.

I must say that your two-years-makes-us-family talk worries me a little, because it reminds me of a situation I was in once. I don't know if this addresses how you are feeling, but in case you are...if you aren't willing to walk away, he can and will treat you however he pleases, and no amount of your hurt, anger, or logic is going to straighten him out.

[Fleur de Lis]

I am guessing here, but were some of these things issues before you transferred? And maybe you thought that being closer would make it easier for him to meet your emotional needs? Sounds like you've made him your world and he is not making you a priority. I was in a similar situation many years ago. We spent the summer apart (with him making little effort to talk or visit) and I realized how much happier I could be without him, so I broke up with him. He was completely shocked but should have seen it coming.

I know it's hard to think this way now, but it's not worth being in a relationship that is so much WORK. If you give 95% and he gives 5%, you will either be miserable or single in the long run. My advice is to tell him exactly what you expect, no room for miscommunication. If he doesn't step up to the plate, leave his behind and find someone worth your while.

[Jimmy Choo]

Before you end things have a conversation and lay out what you need. See if he's willing to meet you half way. If he says yes, give it a try. If it still doesn't work, at least that way you will never wonder "What if I had just talked to him?". But don't let him keep saying he'll try and then let him off the hook. You'll end up wasting your whole college career. Give him one last chance. THEN, kick him to the curb.

[ausguals]

Thank you guys so much for the help! When I wrote that it was so late and none of my friends were up and my mom (who i usually go to) was asleep.

Basically, what I did first was sent him an e-mail. I know that sounds incredibly bad, but I'm terrible with bringing things like this up (I have a hard time explaining myself vocally--I'm much more of a writer). When I finally talked to him on the phone, I guess he was a little drunk. He first said he was "offended" (A little understandable, because it seemed to him like this was coming out of nowhere.) When I finally started telling him what I meant about things, he said that "Relationships are not 50/50 and that there has to be some sacrifice". Then I calmly explained that yes, actually, relationships should strive to be as equal as possible and that the only sacrificing that was being done was on my part and that wasn't fair. He asked me what I had sacrificed and I listed a few things (college, money, things like that). When I switched the question back on him, he answered with "my life." and completely voided me out, just to be an asshole. (Please keep in mind he was a little drunk.) I mentioned to him today that he couldn't even sacrifice cigarettes for me and he sighed real hard and I think he got the point. Anyways, from here on out I pretty much told him I couldn't be with him if he wasn't able to own up to the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight the way I was over-hauling mine. We got off the phone and he called me a little later and was incredibly upset..which is fine, but I told him he had a lot of growing up to do, and he was all "hah, I live by myself, have a full time job...etc etc"..and I had to interrupt him and say that he had a lot of growing up to do when it came to relationships (Family, friends, me, etc.) He didn't disagree. I told him we were on two completely different levels on that aspect and while I do love him and want to be with him, I wasn't really going to put up with him not compromising or anything anymore.



I do have to admit that while he sounds like a COMPLETE asshole, this really isn't the whole story. The boy has done amazing things for me, periodically. I have to stress that because he really isn't a bad person, he just has the tenancy to be selfish...obviously...and I think he was a little surprised last night when I stood up to him and told him that I wasn't having it anymore, even if it seemed to him like it was coming from nowhere. It's not like I have been passive towards him the entire relationship, at all, but it is very rare for either one of us to directly say something has been internally bugging one of us...mostly we just fight over little things, if at all.

I'll let you know how things play out from here, I guess.

[KSUViolet06]

Good job letting him know how you feel.

He sounds like an ass.

Something to think about: if this relationship is something you want to go to the next level (i.e. engagement and marriage), you need to start "directly saying that something's bugging you." Things never get better if you don't say anything. It only becomes a blowup/fight/argument.

[aephi alum]

What I'm about to say may come across as harsh, but I don't pull my punches.

Dump him.

Think about it. He wasn't willing to take time off work to attend a family wedding with you, but he'll take half-days and fly off wherever for concerts. Your parents haven't even met him after two years? I met DH's parents after we'd been dating for less than a month. He's playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse before killing it. What happens when you're engaged and he wants a wedding in his hometown and you want it in yours? What happens when you're married and he wants a baby and you don't? Think big picture here. If you were married or even engaged, I'd say "get thee to therapy", but you and he are not committed for the long term - so: Walk away now.

[treblk]

good luck to you both..relationship..especially in college..can be very difficult and interesting..just make sure that in the end..YOU are happy.

[ausguals]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

What I'm about to say may come across as harsh, but I don't pull my punches.

Dump him.

Think about it. He wasn't willing to take time off work to attend a family wedding with you, but he'll take half-days and fly off wherever for concerts. Your parents haven't even met him after two years? I met DH's parents after we'd been dating for less than a month. He's playing with you like a cat plays with a mouse before killing it. What happens when you're engaged and he wants a wedding in his hometown and you want it in yours? What happens when you're married and he wants a baby and you don't? Think big picture here. If you were married or even engaged, I'd say "get thee to therapy", but you and he are not committed for the long term - so: Walk away now.

i don't think its harsh! I think it is your opinion on it and I respect it and am grateful that you were willing to help out. I don't know if I didn't clarify but we have BOTH met eachothers parents--we were "casually dating" (i wasn't really into the whole boyfriend thing in high school) about a year before we actually got together---I met his mom before we even got together and we met eachothers familys about a month after we were "official". The part of my family that i found it important for him to meet was my extended family--its my cousins wedding.

[PrettyBoy]

I'm not sure if the OP set her limits early on, but it's important to set limits and make them clear to him. I know you said you've been with him for two years, but if you're someone who allows yourself to be treated in a certain way in the beginning of a relationship, then you're allowing the problem to get a foothold in the relationship, and all it's going to do is grow. From what I'm reading, he seems to be kind of selfish, and he seems to be putting himself before you. You definitely don't want these dynamics present in the relationship at all. You need to let him know what's up. I wouldn't cut the joker aloose, but at the same time I wouldn't overlook his behavior either. Overlooking certain negative character patterns long-term can lead to a real problem. I didn't think long distance relationships worked at one time, but now I'm doing the long distance thing myself. I find that it helps to just be upfront, very clear and specific about whatever the problem is. It just boils down to good, satisfying communication in order to resolve an issue between two people.

Good luck. I hope you two can communicate with each other and get through it.

ETA: I also read what you e-mailed him, and his reaction. He was drunk and being disrespectful to you huh? o.k.

You will get what you tolerate.