Picked the wrong house? Help

[flower78]

Hi guys. I'm new to the forum and greek life as a whole, so please be patient with me. I just completed rush last weekend and got a bid from a house I liked. When we had pref though, I narrowed it down to that house and another house which I hadn't liked too much in any of the previous events. That all changed though. I started to see another side of them, but I had gotten stuck with the same girl throughout the last three days of the more one-on-one events.

Okay.. this will get confusing so I'll just call house A the one I accepted a bid from, and House B the other house on pref day.

I had met close to 10 girls of the house A and I liked them all, so I picked them over house B. It was an unfair decision, though, because I simply hadn't met enough girls in B to make a truly informed decision.

With an unfortunate twist of events, I've gotten very sick with the flu after rush and have been down this whole week. I have missed an invite and a retreat due to that. I even saw my big sis at the doctor where I was about to die and she didn't even say anything but smile and wave. I can't help but think that the girl at the other house would have already brought me soup or at least wished me to feel better. They had a completely different vibe about them. I really felt like a sister there. With house A, I just feel like nobody. And now that I've missed some of the most crucial beginning events, I feel like I'll never belong there.

Am I going completely insane or is this a legit issue? I just wish I could have gotten to meet more girls at B so this wouldn't be driving me so crazy. Thanks in advance!

[violetpretty]

It's pretty common to have doubts during your NM period. First, worry about getting better. Second, friendship is a two-way street. Once you are well again, explain to your new member class and the rest of the chapter what has happened (i.e. you've been sick so you've been unable to attend most of the events). Start reaching to people! You met 10 girls in your chapter that you clicked with during recruitment! Some people are closer with their new member class than they are with their big. Hang out with them, too!

Based on what you've said, you probably just feel isolated because you've been sick. You would have missed events in chapter B if that's where you would have pledged too, and would probably feel isolated as well. Get well soon and immerse yourself in your chapter.

[KSUViolet06]

First thing, calm down.

Judgng from what you said, you've only been in the sorority for like 2 weeks max. You need to give things time.

All relationships take time to develop. People seem to think that relationships within a sorority are supposed to be instantaneous.

Think about your best friend for example. You guys weren't bff's overnight, right? Same thing with the sorority. Everybody needs time to get to know each other and figure out who everyone is.

As far as your Big, give her a break. She might have been on her way somewhere in a hurry and didn't notice that you were 'dying'. She's human. You can't jump to the conclusion that she doesn't like you or doesn't care about you because of one isolated thing. She might not even know you feel this way if you didn't tell her.

As a new member, you will have PLENTY more opportunities to get to know girls and make friends. I would't start thinking you made the wrong decision, because even with B, it wouldn't be an instant thing. Everything takes time.

Good luck!

[flower78]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

First thing, calm down.

Judgng from what you said, you've only been in the sorority for like 2 weeks max. You need to give things time.

All relationships take time to develop. People seem to think that relationships within a sorority are supposed to be instantaneous.

Think about your best friend for example. You guys weren't bff's overnight, right? Same thing with the sorority. Everybody needs time to get to know each other and figure out who everyone is.

As far as your Big, give her a break. She might have been on her way somewhere in a hurry and didn't notice that you were 'dying'. She's human. You can't jump to the conclusion that she doesn't like you or doesn't care about you because of one isolated thing. She might not even know you feel this way if you didn't tell her.

As a new member, you will have PLENTY more opportunities to get to know girls and make friends. I would't start thinking you made the wrong decision, because even with B, it wouldn't be an instant thing. Everything takes time.

Good luck!

Haha I'm working on it (calming down) We had been in contact prior to running into each other at the health center so she knew how sick I was. I'm just afraid that it's not going to work out, and I have to decide by initiation which seems like it's just around the corner. As far as remembering how it was with my best friends, that's the problem. I haven't had a girl best friend in years. Almost all of my friends are guys with the exception of a few decent girl friends. I hope it all works out. Thanks for the advice!

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by flower78

I'm just afraid that it's not going to work out, and I have to decide by initiation which seems like it's just around the corner.

The only thing you can do is make the best effort you can to attend events, interact with girls (all of them, not just your class), and get to know them.

Another important piece of advice:

Don't be the girl who expects everyone to come up to her and talk to them, or waits for others to ask HER to hang out! That's not effort. Take initiative to talk to girls and make plans with them! You'll get to know so many people that way.

I find that alot of girls end up depledging because they totally expected everyone to come up to them and talk to them and want to hang out with them without making an effort to get to know anyone themselves.

Life just doesn't work that way. Friendship is a 2 way street. Don't depledge without making a sincere effort.

[shadowyi]

I second what KSUViolet has said, and in fact was in the complete situation as you up until a week ago. (I wasn't sick though).

I accepted a bid to my sorority and then was immediately hit with 'post rush blues'. It seemed like everyone else was getting along with everyone other than me, and was making plans for coffee and lunches and movies, etc. I really felt left out and had this wtf feeling, as I thought everyone would be bubbling over with love for all the new pledges. A sisterhood ya know? That feeling lasted ALL last semester and I was unsure even on initiation day! However, this semester I've made so much more of an effort. I go to the house to eat dinner before chapter, I've gone on a 'hey, you're the next victim of my getting to know more sisters campaign, wanna do lunch'? And immediately, I felt more included. Sisters came up to talk to me, I could call out more sisters by their names. I don't know what I was thinking, thinking I could bond with 100+ girls just by going to chapter and not even sticking around to talk afterwards.

So really, give it some serious thought. But if you really feel uncomfortable after putting a lot of effort in, you can ask to defer initiation at least. Don't give up without giving it your best shot. =)

[flower78]

I don't know if I have that in me. I find it really difficult to just randomly go up to people and ask them out to lunch and such. I really see that that's what it takes, I just don't know if I have what it takes. It will definitely require some serious thought, and possibly effort (if I go through with it) on my part. Thanks for your advice

[shadowyi]

Or you could ask your bid day sister for sisters who wouldn't mind randomly talking to sisters they don't know that well. I asked my president for names and she happily obliged, even commending me on my proactive-ness. Now the sister whose name she's given me has become one of my closer sisters.

[UGAalum94]

I really feel that once you are able to start attending new member meetings regularly, things will fall more into place.

Give the group you took a bid from your best effort at fitting in before initiation and see what happens.

No matter what you do in terms of dropping out and trying to join the other group, the day will come when you have to be the one to reach out to other new members, so on some level it's good practice now.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

No matter what you do in terms of dropping out and trying to join the other group, the day will come when you have to be the one to reach out to other new members, so on some level it's good practice now.

Agreed. Even if you dropped out before initiation, rushed again next year, and joined a different sorority, things will still be the same way if you aren't willing to take the time and initiative to get to know girls. Relationships, even within a sorority, are a 2 way street. Whether it's sorority A or B, the end result will still be the same if you expect sorority members to always be the ones to initiate things like hanging out. You'll end up feeling left out and upset.

[adpiucf]

I hope you feel better soon. It's very important to look at the big picture here. You've been a member for one week. You have not had an opportunity to make any sort of rational judgment call that you're not feeling like you fit in yet.

You and the sororities had about 4-6 days to meet one another and you got a membership bid from one of them based on your application and a few meetings with a handful of members. This next month is a probationary period for you to make sure you did make the right decision. The sorority will keep you as long as you don't violate any major sorority policies, so the ball is in your court.

So your Big smiled and waved to you at the Health Center instead of coming up to you and gushing, "Oh you poor thing, let me drop everything and bring you some chicken noodle soup!"

Remember to put yourself in her shoes" she doesn't even know you or might be shy herself. Or maybe she's a germ-a-phobe and didn't want to get too close to you if you are sick.

And saying this in the nicest way possible: No one owes you friendship. And if it isn't within you to make an effort to get to know people, then you should not be a member of any campus organization, let alone a sorority. You have pledged to respect the other members of the organization and they have pledged to respect you. You're not pledged to love every single person.

Your Big Sis is your sponsor through initiation. She isn't obligated to be your BFF. No one is. A sisterhood is a social organization. Part of that means you have to be sociable and initiate contact, too. The sorority will help you with this by hosting members-only events, retreats, etc., so you can get to know the members better.

If you make an effort and aren't feeling it 5 weeks from now, drop out of the sorority -- no sense wasting your time or the sorority's to initiate someone who doesn't want to be there! But do give it time and make an effort-- go to class, get involved on campus, call home, make friends in the sorority as well as making friends with non-Greeks, go to some sorority events and make an effort to break out of your shell. It's ok to be a shy person, but if you want to feel at home with your new sisters, you need to challenge yourself to grow outside of this comfort zone.

Get well soon and cheer up!

[flower78]

Thank you everyone, especially adpiufc. I definitely needed the tough love. I would never re-rush so this is my only chance to make it work, and I really do want to make it work. I just have to show it, as all of you have said. Thanks again. I'll definitely give it a shot.

[shadowyi]

Good luck! It sucks in the beginning, but the pay off is definitely worth it. =)

[justabeachbrat]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Another important piece of advice:

Don't be the girl who expects everyone to come up to her and talk to them, or waits for others to ask HER to hang out! That's not effort. Take initiative to talk to girls and make plans with them! You'll get to know so many people that way.

I find that alot of girls end up depledging because they totally expected everyone to come up to them and talk to them and want to hang out with them without making an effort to get to know anyone themselves.

Life just doesn't work that way. Friendship is a 2 way street. Don't depledge without making a sincere effort.

Good advice there.
A summer I shared an apartment with a girl attending summer school at my campus and it didn't have her chapter. During the school year, she attended a university a few hundred miles away.
She hadn't been initiated yet and was thinking of depledging. The Greek system at her school was huge. Her pledge class in numbers was about the size of an average house at the campus I attended. She thought her fellow pledges were mostly cold and the members aloof. She was very shy.
I asked her what activities in her chapter she was involved in: sports, leadership, whatever. Other than going to meetings and required events, that was the extent of her involvement, and she lived in the dorms.
She also felt no strong connection to her big sister, which to me seemed no big surprise because her big sis worked part time and was carrying a full load of classes.
I suggested going back in the fall and trying to find a niche in her chapter, to give it another other go. And also to find a good time to get together with her big sister, like late coffee or an early morning run.
We talked to each other in the fall, and things had calmed down. She'd become active in her chapter's chorus (a chorus, yet), and it performed at seniors homes and at events.
I had just been a sounding board for her, she was the one who made the effort to change things.

[adpiucf]

Good luck and take care! Please let us know how it's going!