for parents-rejection

[cuteASAbug]

Recruitment has started in some parts of the country, and while I may be a relatively new poster on greekchat, I wanted to start a thread for the parents on this site, as it seems that there are a lot of them on here documenting their daughters’ recruitments. Personally, if my mother wrote about my recruitment on the internet for all to read when I went through it, I would’ve been a little creeped out by it, but if that’s what works for your daughters and makes them happy, then more power to you.

Life is a series of competitions, one after another, and rejection is a big part of that. You are always competing against someone to get into a school, on a sports team, into a sorority, for a role in the play, to get into a popular class that only has room for 30 students in it, for an internship, job, and so on. We understand that you love your daughters and think the world of them (hopefully, at least) and that they are all gorgeous, smart, funny, talented, and charismatic with great personalities and GPAs, but they may be rushing against hundreds of other girls that are also gorgeous, smart, funny, talented, and charismatic with great personalities and GPAs, not to mention being legacies. Please understand that sororities simply cannot take every girl who rushes, no matter how great she is. Somewhere along the line, rejection has to happen, and the more competitive that a school’s recruitment is, the more likely it is that your daughters will be rejected from the sororities that they want. Please understand that this is a fact of life, and do not think less of them. For some of your daughters, this may be the first time in their lives that they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. Please do not ask what they did wrong or why they got cut, because unless we were there at recruitment and actually met your daughters and sat in on the voting, then we don’t know, and even if we were there, our organizations’ policies (as well as our common sense) prohibit us from talking about it. Posters on greekchat can offer you sympathy, but not much more than that.

Best wishes to all of the girls going through recruitment this semester!

[Senusret I]

Great post, cuteASAbug!

[KSUViolet06]

Something else for parents to think about is that your 18ish year old daughter is probably more resilient than you think she is. Her rejection is most likely hurting you more (as a mom) than it is her.

Also, please understand that all these girls on Greekchat are not a bunch of girls who know nothing about rejection just because we received bids to join sororities. I'm sure everyone on this site has experienced rejection on some level (from by sports team, job, etc). So we understand what it feels like.

[SoMom]

I'm a new poster but have lurked for quite a while. I do not want to belittle anyones' pain and I'm not sure exactly how to articulate my thoughts without sounding harsh but here goes:

Most of our children get exactly what they want too often and too quickly. And we usually knock ourselves out to see to it that they do!!!!
However, in my experience, it has been the disappointments that build the most and best qualities of character. Through (thankfully few) very hurtful 'rejection situations', my D has learned some valuable things and has grown from them. Now she looks back and points to those disappointments and can say how grateful she is for them! So, I guess I am saying that we should rejoice in their accomplishments, share the pain of their disappointments and pray that they learn from both.

Pain passes. Wisdom learned from hard lessons lasts forever.

For those going thru the rejection process with their Ds, I really do hope your pain passes quickly and that you can find a silver lining.

[Zillini]

Excellent posts by everyone!

I'm confident I speak for every member here on GC when I say it breaks our hearts everytime we read about someone's daughter, sister, niece, or friend not getting a bid. I'm sorry we can't tell you why this happened because we don't know and even if we did, we are bound by the confidentiality of our organizations.

I'm also just as confident that the moms, sisters, aunts and friends are completely baffled by how this happened. Their PNM had a sky high GPA and an impeccable resume. She's sweet, funny, intelligent, dedicated, hard working, cute, etc. What more could a sorority want? Trust me, that's exactly what we want in our members.

But for reasons we don't know or understand, some PNM's just won't click with the 2 or 3 or however many actives they get the chance to meet during Recruitment. Not everyone is going to see themselves as best friends forever with someone else after spending only 15-30 minutes together. In that limited amount of time the actives can't always see all those wonderful traits in your PNM. IMHO the lack of time available to get to know someone on either side is the biggest drawback of any Formal Recruitment process. It's a shame, but that's the system we have.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by SoMom

I'm a new poster but have lurked for quite a while. I do not want to belittle anyones' pain and I'm not sure exactly how to articulate my thoughts without sounding harsh but here goes:

Most of our children get exactly what they want too often and too quickly. And we usually knock ourselves out to see to it that they do!!!!
However, in my experience, it has been the disappointments that build the most and best qualities of character. Through (thankfully few) very hurtful 'rejection situations', my D has learned some valuable things and has grown from them. Now she looks back and points to those disappointments and can say how grateful she is for them! So, I guess I am saying that we should rejoice in their accomplishments, share the pain of their disappointments and pray that they learn from both.

Pain passes. Wisdom learned from hard lessons lasts forever.

For those going thru the rejection process with their Ds, I really do hope your pain passes quickly and that you can find a silver lining.

I think this is a much healthier long term parenting approach than trying to "fix" everything that happens, either by doing everything for your child in advance or by taking up their causes after the fact.

As bad as a negative recruitment results seems in the moment and shortly after, if not getting a bid to sorority is one of your daughter's bigger disappointments in life, I'd say you and she did an excellent job.

(In most cases, it's not even the end of her opportunities to be Greek, if she still wants to, but even when it is, missing the opportunity is a small and somewhat frivolous thing in the course of a lifetime. It's really not a reflection of her worth as an individual. Don't make her feel like it's a bigger deal that it is.)

[estherjb]

It's hard to appreciate unless you've been on the other side of rush how totally RANDOM a cut can be. Someone in a house can be pulling for you but maybe they don't have a lot of clout in the chapter. Your name can come up at a time when everyone is exhausted and just wants to go to sleep so nobody fights for you unless they're incredibly passionate. You might get mixed up with another rushee. Sometimes people are petty beyond credibility. Maybe you dated their sister's ex-boyfriend or you got homecoming court instead of a sister's cousin's friend. Or maybe you took her pencil in third grade. Lack of sleep, stress and tension, all these things can bring out the worst in us.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: Another thing that the mom's of PNM's need to be aware of is that sometimes you may think you have a rec to a house that never got sent in. I have seen this happen. The alum just never got around to it or misplaced it or didn't know what to say. ALWAYS get two recs. And a personal letter if you can. (That's for competitive rush. Smaller schools or non-SEC schools may look on that as overkill.)

[volmom]

Thanks for the insight Esther. My D has been very lucky throughout the process, but was shocked and disappointed to get through rounds 1-3 at her preferred chapter, then not invited back to Pref night.

True, its an SEC school and she was somewhat prepared for it, but its confusing to be rushed hard and feel very confident, then have the rug pulled out. She still has good options, but I can relate to all who feel rejected. As I told her, things work out for the best!

[GatorMom]

So how does one deal with the legacy factor when it has been talked about with your daughters for years? My daughter just rushed at my own alma mater where I have been a lifelong supporter. One girl that we knew pledged there last year who was always competing with my D in sports. She was a very spiteful girl. So of course you guessed it, she kept my daughter out of MY chapter, a double legacy who's cousin, (my niece) was past president!!! Of course I can list all her incredible accomplishments, athletic, brains and beauty combined, but it doesn't matter now. What a slap in the face.... My daughter did find another house she liked and pledged and is handling it much better than I am. The next solicitation letter I receive is going to have some very choice words for them to chew on. And my second daughter is so livid she said she won't even speak to anyone there when she rushes next year. This will pass, but after 30 years I am no longer proud to be a KD.

[Senusret I]

Wow.

If the ALMA MATER is soliciting donations, they certainly have nothing to do with membership selection.

Now, are you actually saying that your chapter solicits you? Or the school? Because seriously, you can't pressure the school into pressuring the chapter to accept your daughter.



Unless you've endowed a building or department or something.

Originally Posted by GatorMom

This will pass, but after 30 years I am no longer proud to be a KD.

Wow. Harsh words, but I don't blame you for feeling this way.

[GatorMom]

Yes indeed my chapter solicits me for all kinds of donations which I have happily contributed to in the past. Don't all chapters? Who knows, but I am very sure they are aware of who donates and who doesn't. That's just good business, and if anyone thinks money doesn't matter to these organizations they are sadly out of touch.

Originally Posted by Senusret I

Now, are you actually saying that your chapter solicits you? Or the school? Because seriously, you can't pressure the school into pressuring the chapter to accept your daughter.

It's customary for alums to get solicitations from their collegiate chapters whenever they need assistance. I've seen alums donate $$$ to help pay to fix leaky roofs, furnish the study room, etc. etc.

I know that $$$ doesn't guarantee her daughter a bid, but still. If Mean Girl was the real reason her daughter didn't get a bid, then well -- I'd be pissed off too.

[Senusret I]

Originally Posted by GatorMom

Yes indeed my chapter solicits me for all kinds of donations which I have happily contributed to in the past. Don't all chapters? Who knows, but I am very sure they are aware of who donates and who doesn't. That's just good business, and if anyone thinks money doesn't matter to these organizations they are sadly out of touch.

I really don't know as I was neither initiated in a collegiate chapter, nor am I a member of an NPC sorority.

If it was my kid, I wouldn't donate any more either.

If you feel the need to donate that extra cash anywhere, feel free to send it to the United Senusret I Fund.

[Senusret I]

Originally Posted by OTW

It's customary for alums to get solicitations from their collegiate chapters whenever they need assistance. I've seen alums donate $$$ to help pay to fix leaky roofs, furnish the study room, etc. etc.

I know that $$$ doesn't guarantee her daughter a bid, but still. If Mean Girl was the real reason her daughter didn't get a bid, then well -- I'd be pissed off too.

I'm sorry, but it should. I'm all about that. Seriously.