PreMarital Counseling

[CrimsonTide4]

1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?





Just some things that have been on my mind lately.

[abaici]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Just some things that have been on my mind lately.

BEEN ON YOUR MIND!! Alright sistagreek! Well, I'm no where close to being married (although my boyfriend thinks otherwise)

1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?
Yes

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?
I think it's a great thing. There are certain things that may not have come up. Also, there are issues that you have that you need to mediate.

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?
I would have to question that. RED FLAG!!

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?
N/A

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?
Definately spiritual counseling from my pastor.

[honeychile]

Sorry for crashing your board, but this has been heavy on MY mind lately, too!

1) I would definitely opt for it! More things - good and bad! - come out of premarital counselor when done properly than most people could begin to imagine!

2) You get a more realistic idea of what your future mate thinks about topics that you hadn't even begun to think about! As for cons, yes, garbage comes out, too!

3) I would still go. It's too important to ignore.

4) When I was married the first time, we sat & talked for two 1-hour sessions with the pastor - mostly about the wedding. It didn't do very much good, although the pastor who married us later apologized to me (after hearing what went on during my marriage) for feeling that something wasn't right but not speaking up.

I've since been a counselor in a Christ-oriented divorce recovery group, and have gone for counseling the two times I've even gotten serious with a guy! This pastor really knows his stuff, runs some tests, and generally gives you a better sense of if you should be seeing each other or not. I'm now engaged, and we're seeing two different counselors!

5) As a believer, spiritual is the only way to go, for me!

[ladygreek]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?





Just some things that have been on my mind lately.

Um Soror, are you trying to tell us something?

[CrimsonTide4]

Originally posted by ladygreek
Um Soror, are you trying to tell us something?

No I promise.

[feu_declipse]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?


Just some things that have been on my mind lately.

I'm nowhere close to thinking about marriage but anyway:

1. Yes, I would chose it.
2. Pros, I'd be getting advice from someone with more experience. COn, it might be biased or judgemental. Hopefully not
3. We'd just have to talk about it. If my mate wanted it and I didn't, I'd probably go just to keep the peace. The problem might be where we go for the counseling.
4. N/A
5. Spiritual - it's always good to learn about the Christian approach to marriage.

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?





Just some things that have been on my mind lately.

1. Before I got married our "counseling" consisted of "Read Ephesians 5. Any questions? O.k. Good. " Bless his heart. I WISH we had had some serious indepth counseling before we got married. I think it would have prevented some of our power struggles early on.

2. Pros--as a veteran of counseling (marital and individual) I think having a third party really helps get things out in the open. That person can ask questions and make observations that you can't always do in a relationship. The only "con" I can see is the posibility of getting an unqualified counselor. The fact is that a lot of folks have gone to school for 3 weeks or have some type of certification but are the pitifull-ist counselors you have ever seen. So called "Christian" counselors misusing and misquoting scriptures. I know someone who had a "Christian counselor who basically told her the problems in her marriage were because she was not submissive enough. Now, I truly believe in Biblical submission of the wife to the husband,l but how you gon' tell somebody that their husband is on drugs or addicted to porn or sleeping around and it is because you are not submissive enough? Sorry, I don't think so.

3. Like some one else said, MAJOR RED FLAG, but I would explore why they did not want counseling. Some folks were socialized to believe that you don't tell folks your business or that counseling is for crazy folks or that Black folks don't go to counselors. If any of these misconceptions were the case, I would find some good books for us to work through together. Les and Leslie Parrott have a good one that I can't remember the name of right now, Gary Chapman's the Five Languages of Love (or something like that) or Bunny and Frank Wilson's The Master's Degree are good choices IMO.

4. As I mentioned, we did not have premarital counseling, but we have been to several marriage enrichment seminars (which I recommend for couples to do every couple of years, even if nothing is "wrong"). Typical topics are communication, sex, money, and conflict/fighting fair.

5. I believe a house is only as strong as it's foundation, so it would definately have to be spiritual. Of course if you do not have a strong faith center I don't think it would make a difference.

[CrimsonAngel2001]

1. Yes I would definitely do it. Anything that can help lead to a more succesful and spiritually united marriage I am for.

2. The pro's would be getting things out in the open BEFORE the marriage starts and expressing feelings. Also having a third party there to help give insight on the relationship. THe con's would be not having a well trained counselor withenough knowledge and background and also not having a fully receptive partner.

3. I'd still strongly push for it. There shouldn't be anything to hide and try to figure out why they are so against it.

4. N/A

5. I'd actually consider both. Mainly spiritual from my pastor because that is where my foundation is and that would be the major walk of our marriage and then also a couple counselor as well for a psychological perspective. But if I could only do one I'd pick spiritual

[AKA2D '91]

1. It depends on the counselor (spiritual). However, if I am a member of a certain denomination, a certain type of "counseling" could be mandatory.

2. I second what crimsonangel said regarding the Pros and Cons.

3. Since being in a relationship is about compromise, then we'd have to COMPROMISE. How? It all depends...

4. N/A...yet!

5. Both
One will counsel with the ultimate COUNSELOR throughout the marriage.

[delph998]

1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

Definitely!

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

The pros of having premarital counseling are great. For one, there's a mediator present. Secondly, things are brought up that have never been discussed by the couple. Thirdly, it allows you to get advice from someone with experience. Lastly, it reveals if you're really ready for marriage or not.

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

I would question marrying him. If he doesn't want to get premarital counseling, he definitely wouldn't want to have marital counseling if something went wrong in the marriage. Huge red flag.

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

Not married or engaged.

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?

Since Christ needs to be the core (head) of my marriage, the couseling will be from the pastor of my church.

God

Hubby Wife

The visual isn't working, but picture a triangle with God being the head.

Smooches!

[ClassyLady]

Originally posted by Eclipse
I would find some good books for us to work through together. Les and Leslie Parrott have a good one that I can't remember the name of right now,

[hijack]

Les and Leslie Parrot?? Are these two married or are they related? That just sounds like the craziest name for a couple. It almost seems too perfect.

[/hijack]

[blackerican]

1. I would choose it because it opens the floor for conversation.

2. From my experience its all pros. My husband and I talked discovered several things about each other.

3. In my case my mate didn't want it at first...then he decided to go.

4. As you know I'm married. It helped me to understand that my husband likes to take charge of situations (I usally take charge of everything!!!!).

5. We had both types.

[Honeykiss1974]

If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?
Yes I would.

What are the PROS? Cons, if any?
It encourages communication (which should already be there if you're getting married) and it may bring to "light" certain issue or discussions that the couple may not have even thought to discuss.

If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?
Hmm, as someone else said , RED FLAG!!

Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?
Why spiritual of course! - Seriously though, I plan to honor/fulfill my marriage according to the Bible, so a Christian counselor would be aligned to those beliefs.

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by Eclipse


2.

The only "con" I can see is the posibility of getting an unqualified counselor. The fact is that a lot of folks have gone to school for 3 weeks or have some type of certification but are the pitifull-ist counselors you have ever seen. So called "Christian" counselors misusing and misquoting scriptures. I know someone who had a "Christian counselor who basically told her the problems in her marriage were because she was not submissive enough. Now, I truly believe in Biblical submission of the wife to the husband,l but how you gon' tell somebody that their husband is on drugs or addicted to porn or sleeping around and it is because you are not submissive enough? Sorry, I don't think so.

I definitely think that pre-marital counseling is a good idea (although I'm not married and have never experienced it). I have to admit that I'd be burned up if a counselor tried to tell me to submit to my future husband. I just don't believe that just b/c I was born with female genitalia instead of male genitalia that he should have the say. What is the logic in that?

If anything, I think that whoever is more well-versed on whatever the subject matter of the particular decision, should have the final say - and the other should submit to that person.

I'm sure that I'll get flamed by the bible quoters but oh well.

SC

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by ClassyLady
[hijack]

Les and Leslie Parrot?? Are these two married or are they related? That just sounds like the craziest name for a couple. It almost seems too perfect.

[/hijack]

Yup they are married and both named Leslie. How weird is that!