Can I get some advice from people I don't know?

[gphiangel624]

So, talking to some of my friends, I've realized that a lot of them do not understand my situation in the least, and aren't really willing to listen because we've all got our own problems right now (it's like the quarter for break ups and skeletons coming out of the closet here at UCR). So I'm asking for advice from the wise GC community...

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years (also my best friend) broke up with my in February, completely out of the blue (he "wanted to see other people and couldn't make a commitment anymore"), and I'm starting to really get over it. We've had some trouble trying to remain friends because we always said we'd still be friends, even if it's just acquaintances who speak once a year. Well, we got to the point where we feel comfortable hanging out together, and I feel comfortable hanging out with his friends and bros (who were my friends before we started dating and have still remained friends). He wants to start having a friends with benefits situation, and I'm not sure if I want that because of the second part of this situation:

The ex mentioned above (we'll call him Alex for lack of better pseudonym) knows that I hang out with some of his bros on a regular basis, because we always have, even if Alex wasn't around. That's just how our friendship is. Well, these bros happen to be Alex's little bros and grandlittle bro, and they all live together with the grandlittle's friend from high school, "Mark." (They live about a mile from me, so it's convenient to hang out). I've gone out with these guys a few times in last week or two, and they finally introduced me to Mark, who I knew of as a roomate, but never met. Well, Mark and I exchanged numbers, we went to a club last week with the rest of the roomies and some of my friends/sisters, and we hooked up that night at his place (no sex, I'm a good girl). His roommates knew I spent the night there, on the couch in the living room with him, but when they asked Mark what happened, he kept his mouth shut and just smiled (which I totally respect), so they asked me instead. Mark and I hooked up again last night, which they also have no idea about, at least yet.

Here's the thing: The guys know I like Mark, don't want a relationship, but want to get to hang out with him more, etc. They've told me he doesn't want a relationship either. Mark is not a bro of the fraternity, doesn't even go to our school, but is transferring in a year or so, and will probably become a bro because he knows them all anyways. His roommates have expressed a number of times to me that Alex was in the wrong for breaking up with me, that he wasn't worth me, and that I should keep up something with Mark because they say they think he's a better guy for me and won't hurt me like Alex did. I understand that some may think this is being disloyal to Alex as a bro, esp. as their (grand)big bro, but I like Mark and wouldn't mind getting to know him a lot better, and seeing if something happens from it. Is it going to cause issues with Mark's roommates if something did come of it, issues between them and Alex, or possibly Mark and Alex given that Mark may rush? Should I pursue this, or show more respect for Alex as a friend? Should I believe the roommates when they say that I deserve better than Alex, and that Mark is MUCH better? I'm really confused here and just need to know what is thought of the situation...

PS: sorry this is so long... i need to vent it all...

[James]

Alex is done. Stop forcing friendship also.

Date Mark.

Alex's Brothers are back stabbers.

Oh, if you want to still hook-up with Alex, don't.

People that protest they don't want a relationship are deluded and are the first people to get into relationships. So stop saying it.

Have I left anything out? lol.

[sororitygirl2]

Ditto on everything James said.

[RUgreek]

Alex wants to be friends with benefits, lol... Yea well, that's very classy of him. I don't know if I'd have the balls to walk up to one of my ex's and say, hey, let's just screw around and do stuff, but not get into a relationship.

It's pretty obvious that you're not going for that one, but he really has some gall to go that route. Anywho, I don't know what to say about #2 guy, er Mark. Keep seeing him, why should you stop doing something that makes you happy? You're both single, stop stressing. The roommates seem sketchy, but I don't know them. Maybe they are on your side, maybe they are honest, or whatever. But be careful with what you say or do in front of them, things eventually get back to the fraternity, and then Alex.

Will it create friction/issues? Yea, that's a possibility, but without knowing the personalities of these people first hand, can't really say if it will matter. Honestly, don't worry about those things now, it's good that you're looking this deeply and trying to do the best thing, but since Mark not interested in a relationship, these issues won't matter yet.

Have fun, take care!

[pinkyphimu]

alex is a jackass for even asking you to be a friend with benefits! if he wanted the benefits, then he shouldn't have broken up with you in the first place!

see where things go with mark. if he doesn't even go to your school, then honestly, it is not a big deal. and if alex get pissy bc you are hanging out with your friends who just happened to be his brothers, then he needs to grow up!!!!

[gphiangel624]

Thanks everyone... James, I knew you were going to say something along those lines!

Yes, Alex is a jackass for wanting to be friends with benefits, and thank you for recognizing it! None of my friends would straight say it, they would just say "well, that's your decision..." or something like that. I needed to hear that he's a jackass firsthand.

As for Mark's roommates, I am sure they are being genuine. Three of them, although "related" to Alex in the fraternity, are not close to him at all. They hang out with different crowds and don't have the same values (i.e. Alex is known to smoke out a lot, these guys don't do that; Alex spends a lot of his time playing stupid video/computer games, and they don't do that; Alex doesn't really care about graduating EVER, and these guys are all on track to get out of school and get jobs, etc.- is it a wonder why I'm over him???). All they really have in common is that they are in the same fraternity, which typically says they have a lot in common, but they don't. These guys are all very respectable, treat women well, and I considered them friends before Alex and I were even close friends.

Thank you guys for your responses! Give me more if you can because I'm still a little stuck on the issue!

[texas*princess]

Originally posted by James

Alex's Brothers are back stabbers.

James, just wondering why are Alex's Brothers backstabbers?

Did I miss something here?


My take on the situation:
*Any guy who just wants to be "friends with benefits" isn't worth a second thought.

*I don't think it would hurt to get to know "Mark" better. If this guy Alex is pissed, he is stupid because in effect he created this situation in the first place. Didn't you say he broke up with you to "see other people"? Sooooo .. he can see other people and you can't? hehehe... I don't think so! It seems like he wants you for himself without actually having to "be with" you... ya know?

[twinstars]

Ugh..

Don't do the friends with benefits thing, that's just a recipe for disaster with someone you used to be in love with.

You just spent the last few months getting over him, so you say... do you really think sleeping with him will help you in that?

Besides, now that you're kind of involved with "Mark," it's not even like you just need to get some.

If you go back to "Alex" it would be for emotional reasons, and that would mean you were letting him take advantage of you. He gets the booty, but he doesn't have to bother with dating you. Not very flattering for you. YOu have to believe that you deserve better.

[James]

She said those brothers took her side and said that he didn't treat her right and that she was better off without him. Not exactly brotherly.

Originally posted by texas*princess
James, just wondering why are Alex's Brothers backstabbers?

Did I miss something here?

[texas*princess]

Originally posted by James
She said those brothers took her side and said that he didn't treat her right and that she was better off without him. Not exactly brotherly.

I don't see what is so anti-brotherly about not agreeing with the way a guy threats his girlfriend.

This really upsets me on a personal level, because at my other university, one of my best friends was BEAT by her boyfriend who happened to be in a fraternity.. not once but TWICE. I don't know about anyone else here, but I would respect a man more if he had the balls to tell his brother what he did wasn't right instead of just pretending like nothing happened. Of course, the brothers did nothing. This guy that did this had alcohol problems and none of his brothers offered to help him in any way... nope they just helped feed his problem.

So whatever.. it's guys like that, that just p!ss me off. Sorry.. had to vent.

I know not all guys are like this. I know some guys who are real gentlemen whether they are greek or not. They know what's right & what's wrong, and aren't afraid to act on it.
If they don't have the guts to speak up when something wrong is happening, they don't deserve to call themselves men.

[James]

Sorry that I hit a nerve, but would you be willing to meet me half way and agree that beating a girl might be different than say treating her "badly" which is amorphous and undefined?

I can honestly say that 90 percent of the boys I know treat their girlfriends badly by the standards of comparison that I would use. Poor relationship skills.

But there is an unwritten guy code that we just don't sell eachother out that way. If she is/was willing to put up with what she thought was bad behavior, thats kind of on her.

Also, we are taught in Fraternities that brothers ALWAYS come before girlfriends. Brotherhood is forever, the average GF is transitory.

Originally posted by texas*princess
I don't see what is so anti-brotherly about not agreeing with the way a guy threats his girlfriend.

This really upsets me on a personal level, because at my other university, one of my best friends was BEAT by her boyfriend who happened to be in a fraternity.. not once but TWICE. I don't know about anyone else here, but I would respect a man more if he had the balls to tell his brother what he did wasn't right instead of just pretending like nothing happened. Of course, the brothers did nothing. This guy that did this had alcohol problems and none of his brothers offered to help him in any way... nope they just helped feed his problem.

So whatever.. it's guys like that, that just p!ss me off. Sorry.. had to vent.

I know not all guys are like this. I know some guys who are real gentlemen whether they are greek or not. They know what's right & what's wrong, and aren't afraid to act on it.
If they don't have the guts to speak up when something wrong is happening, they don't deserve to call themselves men.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Beating a girl is awful and criminal. A good friend and brother would encourage a guy to get help to stop this behavior before he goes to jail or beats a girl whose father or brother has a rifle and 50 acres of private land where he can dump the creep's body.

gphiangel624 I agree with Hootie, James, and everyone else. Stay away from your ex and make room in your life for something and someone better.

[James]

Is beating a girl worse than beating a guy? Or a girl beating a guy? Double standard?

Originally posted by Cream
Beating a girl is awful and criminal. A good friend and brother would encourage a guy to get help to stop this behavior before he goes to jail or beats a girl whose father or brother has a rifle and 50 acres of private land where he can dump the creep's body.

gphiangel624 I agree with Hootie, James, and everyone else. Stay away from your ex and make room in your life for something and someone better.

[texas*princess]

Originally posted by James
Sorry that I hit a nerve, but would you be willing to meet me half way and agree that beating a girl might be different than say treating her "badly" which is amorphous and undefined?

I can honestly say that 90 percent of the boys I know treat their girlfriends badly by the standards of comparison that I would use. Poor relationship skills.

But there is an unwritten guy code that we just don't sell eachother out that way. If she is/was willing to put up with what she thought was bad behavior, thats kind of on her.

Also, we are taught in Fraternities that brothers ALWAYS come before girlfriends. Brotherhood is forever, the average GF is transitory.

Yes it is a different situation but think of it this way.. Brother1 does something bad.. Brother2 doesn't try to help his brother or do anything about it.

Is Brother2 really a good brother if he can't tell Brother1 what he did/is doing was wrong or try to help him?

I will never understand this whole priorities thing that some fraternities (or some sororities) teach their members. Why do you have to put a priority number on important people or things in your life?

Anyway.. that is all I am going to post about this.. I don't want to hijack the thread.

Edited to add: No James, a girl beating a guy is not ok either. If for some reason a sister, close friend or whoever I knew was beating a guy, I wouldn't just pretend it wasn't happening.. I would try to find her some help. But I guess that's just me.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Originally posted by James
Is beating a girl worse than beating a guy? Or a girl beating a guy? Double standard?

Abuse is abuse is abuse. There really aren't degrees in my mind. I've heard of women abusing men and men abusing women. There are also violent gay relationships. They are all bad.

I think that an average sized men can more seriously injure an averaged sized woman when there are no weapons involved.