Do you every feel left out?

pledge · #1 01-27-2003, 07:38 AM

I've recently been initiated into a local sorority. You would think that I would be excited, but I feel more left out than ever. The other day, several of the sisters went out and no one bothered to call and ask me if I was gonna join them. I didn't even know that we were gonna have a meeting until I called one of the other new sisters. I feel as if they don't want me around. But, if that were so, why did they initiated me last week? It hurts me, b/c i'm paying and giving my time to be apart of this organization and I feel as if i'm left on the back burner. It's like there is a clique within a clique. What should I do if this ever happens again?

CarolinaCutie · #2 01-27-2003, 08:58 AM

I wish JUST ONCE you'd post something positive or happy about your experiences with Greek life... you always seem to encounter problems. I'm not sure whether your sorority just has major problems, or if you always look for the bad in everything. Either way, I'm very glad I'm not in your situation.

That said, I do know what you're talking about. I'm not sure how big your sorority is... But medium to large size chapters probably cannot avoid some degree of cliquishness (that is TOTALLY not a word) within their groups. Yes, you're all sisters, but different people just have more in common. Sometimes this common factor can be personality, but I've found that it usually has more to do with plain old geography (i.e, people who live in the same dorm tend to hang out together, sisters who are in the same major and share the same classes often study together outside of class). Find your own group of sisters that you can hang out with; try to see who you fit in with the best.

pledge · #3 01-27-2003, 09:21 AM

Thanks for the advice. But, to say that i'm always being negative is bull. I post at this forum for advice when problems arise. I haven't posted here in months. When I first started posting, I was a pledge, now i'm a sister, so obviously i'm not always have problems. That comment that you made was out of line. I don't run to this forum everytime something great happens, if I did, I would be posting all the time. I come here for advice for problems, that is what these forums are for, advice from other greeks.

zchi2 · #4 01-27-2003, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by CarolinaCutie
I wish JUST ONCE you'd post something positive or happy about your experiences with Greek life... you always seem to encounter problems. I'm not sure whether your sorority just has major problems, or if you always look for the bad in everything. Either way, I'm very glad I'm not in your situation.

I was kind of thinking the same thing... I was going to ask what was the name of your sorority, but I'm not sure if you wanted to tell since you haven't really said anything positive about the group yet. Is the organization young? Maybe they aren't very organized yet and do not know a good way of telling people about the events and meeting that are going on. I think you need to adress this in your meetings. Did you ever find out about the lady you suspect to have a child? Does she really have children? Did she get initated with you?

pledge · #5 01-27-2003, 12:58 PM

Like I told that other person through pm, I come to this forum for advice, not to be told how negative you think that I am. As for the woman with a child, I don't know what you're speaking of. There are many sisters with children who are active and my sorority allows women with children. It doesn't bother me, just as long as they fulfill their duties. I just have a problem with some of the sisters have events or get togethers, bascially sisterhood events and not notifying everyone. I missed one event, and they told the people that attended that event about upcoming events without bothering to notify people who could not make it due to illness or prior engagements. I thought that it was wrong. The organization has for 8 years, but we have a lot of slackers, which gets me mad. We didn't have a secretary, but yesterday, they nominated a person who is a major slacker, but since she's bosom buddies with another member, everyone went along with it. So, now, I basically will have to constantly ask "What are we doing this weekend" rather than it be told to me. I don't think that's right.

Dionysus · #6 01-27-2003, 01:02 PM

I know where you're coming from pledge.

My advice is to find out the root cause, in which there can be MANY!

Are you quiet? If you don't speak up you will definately will not be noticed.
Are you too talkative? You could be annoying everyone.
Are you showing any interested? They may think you aren't interested.
Are you showing too much interest? It can make you come off as being desperate.
Bad rep?
Guilty by association with a person that has a bad rep? Been there, done that.
Did you not go through formal rush? I didn't go through formal rush, and I had trouble getting the "feel" of things.
Is there something that sets you apart from the rest, even if it's positive?
Do you rub people the wrong way in general?
Did you piss someone off? Intentionally or unintentionally.

If you don't think it's too deep of a reason, I suggest you to stick around and don't give up.
People probably will eventually adjust to you within 8-12 months.

*EDITED* One thing i've noticed recently...people often ASSume that everyone knows what is going on. If you think that's the case, tell them you do not read minds!!!

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #7 01-27-2003, 01:13 PM

Okay. First, Pledge, you didn't tell CarolinaCutie that through PM; you posted it on the board like everybody else.

Second, I agree with her. No one posts every happy little thing that happens to them on GreekChat. But the rest of us OCCASIONALLY have a nice thing to say about our groups, our situation, our school, our pledge sisters, etc., etc., etc......

If I had a new sister in my organization who was CONSTANTLY complaining, always looking at the negative side of things -- well sheesh. I wouldn't invite her out either. Life's hard enough without inviting someone like that along to kill any fun you might have.

33girl · #8 01-27-2003, 01:15 PM

ZChi, you are thinking of someone else, but I do remember the post.

pledge, all I can say is don't jump to conclusions. I remember right after I initiated some of the sisters had a spontaneous house party and I didn't hear about it - I was hopping mad. It turned out my roommate never gave me the message. Not everything is a mandatory event. Not everyone in a sorority is going to do every single thing together. That's life. However, meetings and mandatory events should be known by everyone, preferably a calendar should be handed out at the beginning of each semester. This should be a duty of the recording sec in your chapter bylaws.

If you have a house, I would recommend living there next year if possible - it really does help you feel part of things.

However, the fact that you've just initiated and are already criticizing sisters concerns me. Once again, no one is going to like everyone, but for one of the newest members to be outright critical and say the sorority has a lot of slackers is just not cool and if you've verbalized it, that may be why your phone isn't ringing.

If you feel like you alone are being left out, bring it up in a respectful way at the next meeting. People may not be aware of how you feel.

pledge · #9 01-27-2003, 01:33 PM

Ok, our sorority is local. So, we don't have a formal rush, but we do have something similar in which you attend different events throughout the week. I attended all of the events. The other pledges did not. I fulfilled all of my duties and more. I show interest, give ideas, voice my opinion. I'm not quiet, but i'm not talkative. It's a few sisters that do enough of that for all of us. But, it's crazy, because I am proud to be apart of them, but then there are things that I see that need to change. It's a lack of motivation (slacker was a bit harsh) amongst some sisters. But, I was really mad that I had no idea about the meeting nor the two day sisterhood events. I will just have to stick closer to my Big Sister, although she failed to notify me too and we spoke to eachother days before the events. It gets me mad b/c everyone is telling about how much fun they had, then they ask "Where were you at?" and i'm like "Nobody told me anything." Be honest, you would be highly pissed too. It's like I don't even exist. Everytime something good happens and I think that we are all bonding, some crap comes and blows it to pieces. I think of them all the time, I sat there yesterday (before I knew there was a meeting) and made out Valentine cards with candy for all the members. This isn't required of me, but I did it out of the goodness of my heart, then I turn around to find that they aren't even thinking of me. That really hurts.

FuzzieAlum · #10 01-27-2003, 01:54 PM

Pledge: Part of the problem with asking for advice is that the answer you get isn't always going to be "the other person is wrong." Sometimes people are going to say "you're not doing it right" or "you're at fault." That doesn't mean they are necessarily accurate, or that you have to take their advice, or that people don't sometimes cross the politeness line. You can ignore those comments - but I wouldn't be surprised by them.

GCers: Sure, I like to come here and share happy things, or random things - but if Pledge wants to come here only when things are down, that's her prerogative. We don't all use GC for the same things.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #11 01-27-2003, 01:56 PM

Oh wow has this girl got a hero complex.

"So, we don't have a formal rush, but we do have something similar in which you attend different events throughout the week. I attended all of the events. The other pledges did not. "

If you're thinking this, it's coming out in your actions -- and that's just if you didn't verbalize it. Two things: (1) talking about how great you are will only alienate you from ANY group and (2) YOU'RE NOT A PLEDGE ANYMORE. Welcome to the sisterhood. New slate. Participate, instigate, organize. Go go go.

"I'm not quiet, but i'm not talkative. It's a few sisters that do enough of that for all of us. "

As 33girl said, critizing the new sisters already? That's a problem. You've been initiated how many days? And you don't have respect for the sisters, their bond, and how they contribute to the sorority both individually and together? I'd be wondering if there's a bylaw about how long a new sister can be in before I can take her tail to Standards and talk about how her attitude is hurting the group.

"I sat there yesterday (before I knew there was a meeting) and made out Valentine cards with candy for all the members. This isn't required of me, but I did it out of the goodness of my heart... "

I mean for Pete's sake. Do you actually say this stuff or do you just post it here? PLEASE tell me you just post it -- otherwise I'm going to start laughing so hard I'm not sure I'll be able to stop....

AXJules · #12 01-27-2003, 01:58 PM

Pledge, I can really understand some of where you're coming from. It's obvious that you care a lot about your sisters and your chapter and making everything work. That is great that you've found something to put effort into. People like you that take sororities seriously really improve sisterhood.
HOWEVER, you came to this forum looking for advice. All people can tell you is their impression of the situation, and the only impression we have is what you give us. You are probably not a negative person, but we have nothing else to base your personality on but the posts you write. It just seems like you've had a lot of difficulties within your organization- not your fault, I'd probably be upset too. That's bound to make anyone seem upset or angry. All I'm saying is that while you're probably a really sweet girl who just wants everything to work out, other people might be getting the same impression we are.
Anyways, I totally feel you, I hated my house for the first year. I COB'd and they totally forgot about me! I didn't even have a mailbox until I was a sophomore! LOL now it's funny but at the time I felt totally worthless and invisible.
I can only tell you that things will either get 100% better with time, or you'll decide it's not for you. My house has a lot of cliques as well, and the truth is, the people you were best friends with your first year probably won't even be around in 2 years, and you will almost definitely have a different best friend. Nothing is set in stone and once people stop worrying about who's 'cool' in your pledge class, everyone will start to mesh better, I promise.
Until then, find someone who seems a little out of the loop, too, and together you guys should be able to get the scoop on everything going on.

So so sorry this was a novel but I'm just hearing a voice that sounds a lot like mine used to.

Dionysus · #13 01-27-2003, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
Oh wow has this girl got a hero complex.

"So, we don't have a formal rush, but we do have something similar in which you attend different events throughout the week. I attended all of the events. The other pledges did not. "

If you're thinking this, it's coming out in your actions -- and that's just if you didn't verbalize it. Two things: (1) talking about how great you are will only alienate you from ANY group and (2) YOU'RE NOT A PLEDGE ANYMORE. Welcome to the sisterhood. New slate. Participate, instigate, organize. Go go go.

"I'm not quiet, but i'm not talkative. It's a few sisters that do enough of that for all of us. "

As 33girl said, critizing the new sisters already? That's a problem. You've been initiated how many days? And you don't have respect for the sisters, their bond, and how they contribute to the sorority both individually and together? I'd be wondering if there's a bylaw about how long a new sister can be in before I can take her tail to Standards and talk about how her attitude is hurting the group.

"I sat there yesterday (before I knew there was a meeting) and made out Valentine cards with candy for all the members. This isn't required of me, but I did it out of the goodness of my heart... "

I mean for Pete's sake. Do you actually say this stuff or do you just post it here? PLEASE tell me you just post it -- otherwise I'm going to start laughing so hard I'm not sure I'll be able to stop....

What do you suggest then?

pledge · #14 01-27-2003, 02:08 PM

Thanks for the postive feedback to all that gave postive feedback.

sigmagrrl · #15 01-27-2003, 02:27 PM

I'd like to say something about what pledge is going through.

1) First, I would like to say this: no one told me either that after you join a sorority, you could be left out of things. When this happened, it really hurt. No one says at recruitment "Not everyone is going to like one another." Who would say that? That'd be bad marketing. But some people join because they want to belong to a group where they, well, BELONG. It hurts to be excluded from things that go on in an exclusive group. C'mon, a clique within a sorority was not something I ever thought would happen, but it did. I have to say that I understand how she may be feeling.

2) She may sound angry, but to me, I hear hurt and fear. She put herself on the line here. She took risks to belong to a group and she's already feeling excluded. So, I do agree about the criticizing the sisters, but it sounds as if her fear is manifesting itself in anger and she's lashing out when she really may want to know "Is there something wrong with me that this new group of friends doesn't like me (or so it seems)?"

I could be wrong, but this was how I felt...