Sisterly advice needed

[twinstarsweetie]

I have a very unusual story. I am returning to a chapter after taking a year off and it has come to my attention that some of the sisters greatly dislike me, through no fault of my own. There is a long-winded story but what it boils down to is jealousy; at one point my now-boyfriend made a pass at one of the sister (we weren't dating at the time) and since this sister and her friends don't like me because I am actually with him now, and we are very very serious. I LOVE theta, I have since I was a new member and it means so much to me; on the other hand I am not sure I can take the constant rumor mongering and snide comments that I have been receiving in the last couple of weeks. I don't even know these girls, they were initiated when I was gone; I don't think taking a gap year should mean that I give up my place in a sisterhood that fosters so much good. Up until this point I have tried to take the high road and ignore their comments and actions, blatant as they are, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. It's very emotionally taxing.

Any thoughts? Should I keep my status as a non-active sister? Should I confront them outright and ask for a standards meeting? Should I continue ignoring them? It seems such a shame to let the actions of a few taint how I feel about this society. I would really appreciate any words of wisdom here, I'm truly at a loss.

[HQWest]

Originally Posted by twinstarsweetie

I have a very unusual story. I am returning to a chapter after taking a year off and it has come to my attention that some of the sisters greatly dislike me, through no fault of my own. There is a long-winded story but what it boils down to is jealousy; at one point my now-boyfriend made a pass at one of the sister (we weren't dating at the time) and since this sister and her friends don't like me because I am actually with him now, and we are very very serious. I LOVE theta, I have since I was a new member and it means so much to me; on the other hand I am not sure I can take the constant rumor mongering and snide comments that I have been receiving in the last couple of weeks. I don't even know these girls, they were initiated when I was gone; I don't think taking a gap year should mean that I give up my place in a sisterhood that fosters so much good. Up until this point I have tried to take the high road and ignore their comments and actions, blatant as they are, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. It's very emotionally taxing.

Any thoughts? Should I keep my status as a non-active sister? Should I confront them outright and ask for a standards meeting? Should I continue ignoring them? It seems such a shame to let the actions of a few taint how I feel about this society. I would really appreciate any words of wisdom here, I'm truly at a loss.

I think you already answered your own question. It sounds like your sorority means a lot to you and you would really like to have it back. So take it back, girl!

You just have a bit of cold feet because you have been gone a while. Unless your sorority is so small that one little click of girls is going to be dominating every activity and every conversation? Odds are there is another click that doesn't like the way those girls are petty, catty, and gossipy - go hang out with them! Or start your own click. You only get one shot to have fun and take advantage of being a collegian.

[thetalady]

I don't know that remaining inactive is even an option for you.... Inactive status is a complicated thing.

Besides, you shouldn't let this run you out of your sisterhood!! Do you have a big sister to ask for help and advice? I will always suggest talking to people that you have a problem with directly before going to Standards. Standards might change their outward behavior, but will only make them more nasty behind your back.

Good luck, sweetie.

[DubaiSis]

Swerving in here. Actually, I think I'd be a bit more politic about it. Addressing them directly is just going to cause a firestorm. I might talk to someone you trust who has a certain amount of pull in the chapter (and is outside this battle) and see what she thinks. You may at least figure out which "team" you need to be on within the chapter. You may find you're overblowing this feeling against you, or you may find it does need to be dealt with head on. But tread gently.

And man oh man this is an old story. We had an UGLY one in our chapter because of a douchebag guy who seemed to only want to date girls in my house and girls who lacked the self-esteem to tell him where to jump. It ruined friendships and that's disgusting. But then the same story was told in "The Help," although you don't get the sense that guy was a d-bag, just dumped the byotch for a.... well, no need to tell the whole story here.

[twinstarsweetie]

Yeah, this is the second time this has happened with a girl in my sorority and this guy. I stand by him because we have been together through thick and thin at this point, working, living and paying bills together in the year we took off school. In the light of our very real relationship this drama with sisters seems so petty.

Thank you so much for your advice though, I do think I'm going to go active for this next semester partly because I found out that these girls are mostly all seniors and they will be gone at the end of the year. Also it seems the more girls get to know me, the more the hateful and untrue rumors are dissipated, thank god. I feel like I have that "new member glow" back again, I'm SO excited about rejoining and I don't want anything or anyone to get in the way of my excitement. I am going to tread lightly around the girl(s) that seem to have formed a clique against me, but in the end I have gotten to know the current president and I think she's fair and won't look the other way too much if they start being too horrid.

And yeah, I hadn't thought about it but this is just like The Help. Thank you ladies SO much for your support and kind words, I really needed them.

[IrishLake]

Some questions first....

They were initiated while you were gone, but are mostly seniors and are graduating at the end of this school year? Unusual, but not unheard of, I guess.

What about your Big? Did you have a "Kite Sis" or "Twin Star" who you bonded with during your new member period? What about the other girls in your pledge class? Did you get a chance to bond with them prior to taking your inactive status?

Just curious, it's none of my business, but why did you take a year off? Did you study abroad? But you and the boyfriend both taking a year off makes me wonder if that's not a part of the rumor mill problems.

And while I don't know your whole story, staying "inactive" may not be an option after one year. You either become active again, you ask for early alum status, or you resign your membership. If the latter is not an option (and really, it shouldn't be. They may be your sisters, but don't let them shove you out of the sisterhood), then go to someone whom you can trust and who can actually do something about it. If need be, contact an Advisor if nothing comes from your other attempts.

[TheTrueGent]

Not a "sister", however we had a similar situation with my chapter. A guy came back from a year off as he was receiving an international degree in another country, certain guys didn't really know him but were unsure of him, he went active anyways and showed the naysayers the type of guy he was just by being around. My point being is that these girls don't know you, so they think it's ok to talk about you, but as you re assert yourself in the chapter they'll get to know you better and hopefully you can earn their respect and the rumors will dissipate.

I could be completely off base as fraternities are different from sororities, but just my .02 cents

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

Some questions first....

They were initiated while you were gone, but are mostly seniors and are graduating at the end of this school year? Unusual, but not unheard of, I guess.

What about your Big? Did you have a "Kite Sis" or "Twin Star" who you bonded with during your new member period? What about the other girls in your pledge class? Did you get a chance to bond with them prior to taking your inactive status?

Just curious, it's none of my business, but why did you take a year off? Did you study abroad? But you and the boyfriend both taking a year off makes me wonder if that's not a part of the rumor mill problems.

And while I don't know your whole story, staying "inactive" may not be an option after one year. You either become active again, you ask for early alum status, or you resign your membership. If the latter is not an option (and really, it shouldn't be. They may be your sisters, but don't let them shove you out of the sisterhood), then go to someone whom you can trust and who can actually do something about it. If need be, contact an Advisor if nothing comes from your other attempts.

Re: bolded sections

I questioned the "seniors comment" also. And, FWIW, OP, we haven't used the term "standards" in a Very Long Time. (I'm not directing that at IL or at TL, I'm questioning why a relatively new member would use that term). So... is anyone else connecting any dots here?

Regardless, my second point is that "early alum status" does not exist in our Fraternity. Married members have the option of remain active, or asking for voluntary temporary inactivity. The Fraternity bylaws discuss this very specifically.

Third, why not give time time and see how things shake out in the days and weeks to come? As was pointed out in another thread on this forum, there is always going to be some friction and drama when that many people come together. Try to live by the principles of the Fraternity and see if that doesn't improve your situation. Remember, it takes two to engage and rage. You don't have to play in anyone's sandbox. You can stay "above the line" and stay out of trouble. Membership is for a lifetime, and this too shall pass.

[IrishLake]

(I love it that AZ knows our bylaws so well, because I sure don't! lol. I'm glad my Advisorship role is Education, much less drama!)

[Greek_or_Geek?]

Would any NPC sorority allow a member to continue to be temporarily inactive as she matriculates through the same university she was initiated at? Maybe the scope of my experience is limited but it seems to me that at some point a decision would be required.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

(I love it that AZ knows our bylaws so well, because I sure don't! lol. I'm glad my Advisorship role is Education, much less drama!)

HA HA HA! I need a Scholarship Advisor, how about you fill in long distance, right? Maybe then you'll stop beating me at Zuma Blitz! The only reason I know the answer is because I was asked the question and had to find out myself that we don't have that status (early alum). I believe other NPC sororities may offer it, but we don't! I think it's cool that a member who marries while enrolled in college can remain an active member if she so chooses.

Originally Posted by Greek_or_Geek?

Would any NPC sorority allow a member to continue to be temporarily inactive as she matriculates through the same university she was initiated at? Maybe the scope of my experience is limited but it seems to me that at some point a decision would be required.

Each sorority has its own rules/bylaws/policies and procedures governing inactivity. For Theta, inactivity may be granted for a specific time period for a variety of reasons, while a member continues to matriculate. I am not aware of any inactivity status lasting longer than a year, but it doesn't mean that hasn't happened.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Greek_or_Geek?

Would any NPC sorority allow a member to continue to be temporarily inactive as she matriculates through the same university she was initiated at? Maybe the scope of my experience is limited but it seems to me that at some point a decision would be required.

Do you mean, she either has to be active or terminated?

I think it all depends on how much the chapter wants to pursue it, quite frankly. A chapter low on numbers who has no feeling one way or another about the girl is a TOTALLY different kettle of fish than one who has to turn away sisters they want because of an inactive still taking up space on the roll but not participating...or an inactive who plays havoc with the sorority's reputation.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

HA HA HA! I need a Scholarship Advisor, how about you fill in long distance, right? Maybe then you'll stop beating me at Zuma Blitz! The only reason I know the answer is because I was asked the question and had to find out myself that we don't have that status (early alum). I believe other NPC sororities may offer it, but we don't! I think it's cool that a member who marries while enrolled in college can remain an active member if she so chooses.

So her options are to remain active or resign her membership? Would marriage relieve her of her live-in obligations, for chapters with housing?

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

So her options are to remain active or resign her membership? Would marriage relieve her of her live-in obligations, for chapters with housing?

Are you referring to the OP's situation?

As I said, there are specifics that address situations where members may apply for temporary voluntary inactivity. From what the OP posted (and she hasn't been back, which I find interesting), she left school for a year and is now returning, boyfriend in tow. Unless she applies for temporary voluntary inactivity and meets the criteria that are specified in the Fraternity bylaws (and, like thetalady said, "inactive status is a complicated thing"), then she needs to either be a full-time, dues paying member, or resign.

That is, of course, unless she is a candidate for involuntary inactivity, which is a whole other kettle of fish.

As for live-in obligations and married members, I believe that would be addressed in each individual chapter's bylaws.

What about your sorority, DBB? How's it work for your members?

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

Are you referring to the OP's situation?

As I said, there are specifics that address situations where members may apply for temporary voluntary inactivity. From what the OP posted (and she hasn't been back, which I find interesting), she left school for a year and is now returning, boyfriend in tow. Unless she applies for temporary voluntary inactivity and meets the criteria that are specified in the Fraternity bylaws (and, like thetalady said, "inactive status is a complicated thing"), then she needs to either be a full-time, dues paying member, or resign.

That is, of course, unless she is a candidate for involuntary inactivity, which is a whole other kettle of fish.

As for live-in obligations and married members, I believe that would be addressed in each individual chapter's bylaws.

What about your sorority, DBB? How's it work for your members?

Oh, I meant married women, not the OP

I didn't mean to seem like I was pressing you on your bylaws as they applied to the OP. I am just curious because it seems a lot of orgs have special rules for married women that hardly ever apply anymore. Kinda like how we have a candle-lighting ceremony for pregnancy, when this day and age, that would get a big at the vast majority of collegiate chapters.

It's been a while since I've perused bylaws, but Phi Mu has an interim status for women who can't be active in a given semester. It's typically granted for things like study abroad, internship/co-op/student teaching in another city, medical issues, etc. If you have a reason like that, it's pretty much rubber-stamped, in my experience (which makes sense to me...asking a woman to pay dues while she is in France would not be fair).

However, I have also seen women ask for it when they have, let's say, more subjective reasons. This can cause dischord in a hurry, because if you grant it to a woman in a situation like the OP's, then you risk making it easier for women to essentially leave the chapter without having to resign their membership.

Also, I'm *pretty sure* that the first semester that a woman was on interim status, she still counted in our numbers as far as the CPH was concerned. Obviously, this varies by campus, and in fact, it always helped to have the 4.0's from student teaching/internships included in our GPA, but it would certainly hurt to have women not participating in a chapter without being able to replace them.