Caring for elders

[LRobinson]

My mother is a healthy 78 year old. She is slowing down and having a little trouble driving. Since my father passed, she lives alone. As her friends are getting ill and passing away, she fights depression. To combat that, she spends time with me at my home (I'm 2 hours away). When she was here a few days at a time, four or five times a year, she used a sofa sleeper in my study. As she's now going to be here for a couple of weeks at a time, every couple of months or so, maybe even a most of the winter, I need to do more. But what ...

move the study to bedroom so the room is just hers?
move a bigger TV in the room?
twin size bed fits the room better but full size bed might feel better?


I'm thinking to give her $$$ to redecorate, but that could be dangerous.

When I ask her, she says "Oh baby, whatever you think is best. I don't want to impose".

I'm putting grab bars and shower stool in the bathroom.

[G-Kue 1911]

This is just a suggestion based off a similar situation we had with my grandmother when using my old room. We donated my old bed and purchased a day bed and a decent size television (not huge and fancy) and a nice recliner for her room. My mom didn't want to make the room to comfortable fearing she might spend more time inside than socializing with the rest of the family/friends. My grandmother was a very proud/stubborn women and objected to a huge fuss being made so sometimes it was best to do things and confer with her later. The most important thing for my grandmother was she was comfortable, safe and with family....I know she appreciated that more than anything.

[Little32]

I have been thinking about this since you posted. I haven't encountered this situation myself, but I would think that you should do what you can to give your mother a comfortable and private space.

A television and a comfortable bed are good ideas. To my mind, a twin is sufficient particularly if you get a good mattress. At one point, I had a twin daybed in my guestroom and my grandmother, who is about your mother's age, used it whenever she came to visit with no complaints. Relocating your study temporarily is a good idea too.

I wouldn't ask you mother for her opinion because I think that her default response is going to be trying not to inconvenience you.

[libramunoz]

Depending on the state that you live in and the services that your mother may need, you may want to contact your local DADS (Dept of Aging and Disability Services) office. If she has Medicaid, she may qualify for a HHA (Home Health Aide) or a PHCA (Primary Home Care Aide) to come into your house and help your mother with her daily care (as well as helping you while you're at work). Just check with your local DADS office.

The idea of changing your study into a bedroom is a good idea. If she does qualify for Medicaid, she may qualify for a pnuematic (?) bed, talk with her doctor about this, if she needs it. If not, the use of a regular twin bed or even a day bed would be the best thing to do. Take her shopping with you for the comforter set that she would like to have as well as to test the pillows. A good thing to look into is to get her the mattress cover with the eggshell type material.

Another good thing to do would be too look at your mother's shoes, both inside and out. Outside, you want her to have a shoe with good traction and possibly the use of velcro straps. May sound a bit weird, but it will help her with traction. Inside, houseshoes, they should also have good traction, and be able to travel well on the floors.

If you have wood floors, laminate, or other slippery types of floors, please, please, PLEASE, get carpets with a backing that can line the floors and the shoes with good traction. Why, you are probably wondering, I have seen many people end up in nursing facilities because of broken hips. It can happen quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Also in the bedroom, a good bureau and nightstand and lamp that gives off at least 60 to 100 watts. Helps with the vision. A t.v., a standard 13 or 20 inch should be good. Get good remotes and remote holder to put them in.

After this, she should be good. If you like pets, look into the possibity of getting her a pet. Or encourage her to join the local senior citizens community. This can, will, and does provide the MOST valuable services in being able to keep the elderly person's mind ACTIVE. This is what keeps our parents/grandparents as up to date as they can be, by being ACTIVE.

Also, in the bathroom, PLEASE, yes, do get the grab bars. However, go to a DME company that sells the grab bars, that can be moved, but suction (with a tight as unyielding grip) to the surface (?). The shower stool should be gotten from the DME company as well (NOT WAL-MART). The DME companies sell for weight and size and height. Also, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT put in a rug that doesn't have a non-skidding surface (?). If needed, also you can get a commode raiser for the bottom of the commode which helps in getting on and off.
Hopefully this does help.

[CutiePie2000]

My Mom turns 79 this month, but she took a fall in December and broke her hip, so I can relate somewhat to your situation. I think it's good to make the study into her "room" so that she feels more settled. I also like the idea of Seniors Activities - some of them have discussion groups, book clubs, etc., along with things like chair aerobics, mah johgg, bridge etc. I think it is better "for the soul" to have some social stimulation with other people, instead of strictly the T.V.

Pharmacies that rent Medical Equipment were a Godsend for me. I went to a "family owned" one and they were so helpful and knew exactly what they were talking about.

[LRobinson]

Thanks for the advice. My mom is not physically challenged but the reality is that it's likely to happen. She says that likes being alone but she comes alive when others are around. She has dealt with depression for years and the deaths of her friends haven't helped. The loss of independene scares her. We've begged her not to go into the basement when no one in the home. She complied but that meant somoene else does her laundry most of the time. Since I have a one level home, she can resume that part of her life (funny, I'd love to have someone else do mine).

I have a dog that she loves so that's another reason for her being here more. They are good for each other.

She resists senior activities. Instead she drives seniors to their doctors' appointment. But while doing so in the last year, she has run out of gas, hit a pole, locked the keys in the car (more than once) and been seen driving what we think is too fast given her slowed reaction time.

Financially, she doesn't qualify for any special assistance that we're aware of, but we'll look into it if needed.

I do have wood floors. There's a rug in the bedroom/bath hall, but I should get something for the hall leading to the kitchen.

She'll be back here the end of the month, most likely to stay until warmer weather. So I have a little time, but lots to do. A friend suggested changing door knobs to levers. I had already planned to get a walk-in shower installed this summer. I really do appreciate the insight.

[libramunoz]

Although she resists senior activities, try to get her into them. Suggest she be a Foster Grandparent and see if she'd like to become one at the local Elementary school. I think she'd be surprised at the activity that she could and will be able to do.

The resistance is coming from the feeling of the loss of independence. She feels somewhat that this is for "old" people and doesn't want to see herself as an "old" person. By pushing the senior activities, she will see that she isn't "old" and that she can still have vivacious fun, but she has to allow herself to see what the activities are. Try to get her to go for at least 2 days per week. She may find that she'll quite possibly want to go more.

Since you know that your mother does deal with depression, the senior activities will help in keeping her from following into parts of her depression. The Foster Grandparent is the greatest thing in the world!

See if she can be able to get a local senior citizens van to be able to come and pick her up. That's why she doesn't want to give up the driving. You may have to make a deal or slight contract with her for the driving issue. Try having her to call you when she NEEDS and only when she needs to drive herself somewhere. Let her know it's just a buddy system, that way she doesn't feel like she's losing her independence and having to check in with her child like a teenager and the roles have become reversed. If all else fails, talk with her about having a cab pick her up.

Always make sure that in her wallet, she has and ID card of some sort. If you are feeling or believing that she may become a victim of Alzheimers, it is the best thing to make sure that she has ID with ALL phone numbers and information, including her street address and your quickest cell number. Also to help with this, get her the medical alert bracelet that has the same information.

Also look into getting her the Emergency Medical Response necklace (you know, the one you see with C. Everett Koop, the I've fallen and I can't get up commercial). It may seem silly, but when you're at work, and if something does happen, all she will have to do is push this button. You can work with the company itself so that if the button is pushed, they will automatically alert you to the situation.

Also in her room, get a phone that has large enough dials and buttons that can light up at night. And get one that has the memory buttons that she can just push and it dials right away. The first number should always be 911, the second is you. It truly works.

For your peace of mind at night, get the baby monitor. Put one in her room and put one in your room. It can help you to check on her when she's asleep without having to upset her or indirectly wake her up.

As far as the floor, please, please make sure that you get the non skidding rugs and the houseshoes with traction on the bottom! I promise you, it will help her and you. It may be necessary for you to get grab bars in the hallways if you feel this will help her in stabilizing her walk.

The walk in shower is a great idea, but also make sure that they put in faucets that she cannot burn herself with, even if she turns the hot water on all the way. This will require you to change the thermostat on your water heater as well. Also make sure that you get a shower faucet head that has a removeable handle. It helps in being able to reach all places. Also with the walk in shower, make sure that either they build in a seat or that it would be large enough to put in a seat.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by libramunoz

Although she resists senior activities, try to get her into them. Suggest she be a Foster Grandparent and see if she'd like to become one at the local Elementary school. I think she'd be surprised at the activity that she could and will be able to do.

I love this idea. There might even be an opportunity to help kids with their reading comprehension skills or something after school.