My brothers wedding

[IrishLake]

This is a bit of a rant... I'm so very happy for my brother. He proposed to his girlfriend last month. A bit quick because they only started dating in January, but it is what it is. I've honestly only met and talked to her a few times in person. She's.... ok. I like her as a person. She worked for my aunt as a nanny this summer some, and screwed her over because she quit unexpectedly and without much notice and my aunt had to scramble to find a replacement. Fiance has pretty high social anxiety too. I don't know if this is something she realizes or is getting treatment for, but she should. The 4 of us (my hub and kids) met up with her to go watch my brothers high school football game on friday night (he's a coach), and we got there before her and she was completely stressed that she had to walk from the parking lot to the gate by herself (we were there waiting for her).

Now the wedding.... she asked my husband and I to be in the wedding as a groomsman and bridesmaid, plus my 2 kids as flowergirl and ring bearer. They picked a date in mid-June next summer. Again, pretty dang quick, IMO. I told my brother that honestly, I would NOT be offended if I weren't in the wedding. It's not something I really enjoy, not to mention I will have a 5 month old baby. HE said it was up to me, so I said yes out of guilt. I will now have to find someone to care for the baby all day, which will be a chore itself. THEN, this is a big kick in the nuts for my family, they have decided to have an adult only reception (besides my 2 kids and my aunts kids, who will be distributing programs at the church). My family alone has a ton of little kids in it. We have first cousins who range in age from 2 to 13 (the cutoff age), not to mention older first cousins have children of their own. This will really ruffle some damn feathers. Not to mention my kids will be bored out of their freaking skulls, which in turn will make me and my husband miserable because we will be entertaining our kids instead of them occupying themselves with cousins and other guests their ages. (I know, this makes me sound bitchy and pretentious).

Now on to the bridesmaid dress:
http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_...esmaid-Dresses in the color guava (more of a coral color in person, I guess). I am going to be the only "big girl" in the bridal party, not to mention the fact that I do not tan, so this is going to look horrible on me. At least it's on the cheaper end, and I'll donate it to the OU Delta Gamma prom dress drive the following year. Whatever. Now Fiance sent around an email this morning:
Hello Everyone!! I just wanted to say thank you soo much for all being apart of the bridal party My Matron of Honor just so you all know is my Sister I went with 2 of the bridesmaids today to try on the bridesmaids dress that I liked and it looked fabulous on them, and the color is definetely a coral in person, its kind of hard to tell online!!!

Anyways its from Davids Bridal and I was hoping that everyone could go to a Davids Bridal within the next month to try on the dress and find a size that fits. And then let me know which size will work for you. I am not sure if I will be ordering them together or just have you order them from your nearest store...but I will let you know. I was also thinking silver shoes since the boys will be wearing a gray tux but I will let you know if I find a pair that I like...Im looking for some deals so they wont be too expensive for you all!!
I attached the dress again so you can see what it looks like.

Im getting excited!! Just let me know once you go try on the dress what size you are, I would like to order them no later than the middle of October just so we know everyone has it and that they dont stop carrying it or anything... Email, text or call me when you have tried on the dress and you know your size!!!


Um, NO. I want to scream NO at the top of my fucking lungs. I am NOT trying on nor ordering and paying for a dress while I am 20 weeks pregnant. We just moved, and we are about as broke as they come right now (a ton of our savings just went into "deposits" for freaking utilities), plus Hubby and I both just had to drop nearly $1000 on new tires for both of our cars. I would much rather wait until the baby is out and I have lost some of the baby weight before trying anything on and ordering. I told my husband I'm considering backing the 2 of us out of the party, and he said "That's rude." (I stuck my finger into the middle of his sandwich as retaliation and said "no, THAT is rude." What can I say, I'm uber-bitch right now).

Anyway. I'm thinking of backing out. But I'm definitely telling her "NO I'm not trying on nor buying any dress in the next month." I'm just trying to figure out how to do it gently.

[IndianaSigKap]

I know it's going to be hard to back out, but if you really don't want to be in the wedding let her know now! I was asked to be in a wedding last year and as much as I love my friend, I am just past that stage of life. This was both the bride and groom's second wedding, but they proceeded to have a white dress extravaganza. The wedding was on a Friday night, which was my last day of school, so I knew that was going to be a huge problem. And it was. The bridesmaids came in all shapes and sizes ranging 4-20. No one dress style looks good on the gamut of body types. Instead of choosing a color and dress length and letting us get dresses that flattered, she insisted on matching dresses in teal. Everything that could have gone wrong did: my dress came in wrong, almost didn't come in the second time, I was late to the rehearsal dinner due to traffic after school, couldn't do the bridal party hair appointment/salon visit because of my job, etc. All in all, she and I are not very close anymore. I don't want that to happen to you and your future sister in law. Can you take her to lunch and explain your situation to her? Let her know you want to be there and are happy she's joining the family, but you just can't be in the wedding. I think you'd be better off in the long run. Good luck, it's such a difficult situation.

[victoriana]

Well since the wedding is in June, I think it's a little ridiculous of her to expect you to order a dress by October, especially since you're pregnant. It's David's Bridal and that seems like a fairly popular style, so I don't think the bride needs to worry about them cancelling it. If I were you, I would just tell her your situation with the money and explain to her that your size now and your size next June are going to be completely different things. If she doesn't understand that, I would back out of the wedding party. If she is going to throw a hissy fit about when you order the dress, especially considering your situation, then she's going to be a complete bridezilla who you won't want to be around. I hope everything works out with the wedding!

[AlphaFrog]

When I ordered my daughter's flower girl dress from David's, they said it would take 8 weeks for the dress and 12 weeks for the sash (and, no, I can't just wait until they're both in, I have to come pick them up when they come in ). I think the dress was there in 2 weeks and the sash in 4 weeks (or maybe even 3), so I wouldn't worry about ordering in October for a JUNE wedding, even if you weren't pregnant. Feb-March should be PLENTY of time. I agree with the others that if she pushes this issue, drop.

[DubaiSis]

The good news is you have a perfectly plausible reason to back out without having to cry poverty or any of the bazillion other reasons to want out. Preggo and not wanting to guess on a dress size is a legitimate reason and you cannot guarantee they will still have that dress when the time would come for you to try on the dress. And I personally think bridesmaids should never have to buy their dresses. That's just me but I think it's part of the wedding budget. But who has kids in a wedding and doesn't invite kids to the reception except for the kids in the wedding who can look forward to the longest friggin night of their lives? If you want a grown up reception, you have to have a grown up wedding. That would fall into DUH.

[IrishLake]

When we got married, I told my bridesmaids to pick a dress they all liked. All I cared about was color. They all mutually agreed on a style that flattered everyone's shape as well as fit everyone's budget. My thought has always been if they're paying for it, they're picking it out. I also told them all I didn't care what their shoes were, so long as they were silver. Everyone already owned a pair of silver strappy sandals, so even though they were all different, no one had to buy new. One of my best friends from college gave us the awesoem option of buyign the Davids bridal separate pieces. She picked the color, and we all had about 10 different tops and 3 different styles of skirts to choose from. As it ended up, we ALL selected different tops, no one matched and we all looked great and felt comfortable at her wedding. I've drafted a nice, sensitive (puke) letter and I'll send it in a few. I've kept it short and sweet, just that I am not comfortable with trying on a dress while my body is plumping up and that I prefer to wait until the end of February at the soonest. Granted i'll still be breastfeeding then and my boobs will be out of wack, I'll be done breastfeeding by the time the wedding rolls around. My boobs are a size bigger already now at 19 weeks, not to mention my belly.

I was in my cousins wedding 5 years ago, and we also got our dresses from Davids, and they were in 5 or 6 weeks after ordering them. At least Future SiL isn't making us get dyed shoes to match the dress like my cousin did. I'm suggesting to future SiL that I continue to call Davids periodically and make sure the dress isn't going to be discontinued anytime soon.

[southbymidwest]

Bag it. IL, I understand that under that "ranting", you have some very valid concerns. You have had many stressors this year, some good, some that threw you a curve. Stressing about this wedding that you have strong misgivings about will be yet another stressor. Being irritated with the bride and her checklist sucks. Walking down the aisle trying to look radiant and beaming with joy over the nuptuals of your brother and his fiance gritting your teeth sucks. Stressing about trying to fit into a shiny dress with a 5 month post pregnancy body sucks. Paying for said shiny dress and shiny shoes on an already tight budget sucks. Dreading the reception because of tired and cranky kids (and maybe we can include tired and cranky mommy and daddy too!) who have held it together for most of the day and now just can't help but melt down in public sucks. Surely those who care about you could sympathize with your situation, should you be worried about blowback. And quite frankly, anyone who does give you grief is, umm, a toad. Now my only caveat would be if you think that you could end up really liking your husband's fiance, and you that once you have a good rant, you think that well maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe it could be fun. IF no such thought enters your head, bag it.

You are allowed to look at your situation and decide if being in this wedding is something that you really want to do/realistically can do with enthusiasm and joy. You have the right to say no, nicely, and early on, so that she can plan for others to join the wedding party. If she does not understand, well, that kinda validates your feelings just a little more, huh? If I were the bride, I honestly would not want a bridesmaid who is so ambivalent about being in my wedding. I would want all the good vibes, wishes, prayers and blessings that I could get. If you cannot give her that, then perhaps you and the rest of the wedding party would be better served if you decide to bow out, gracefully. Perhaps you could offer to help in other ways the day of the ceremony.

[MidwayManiac]

IrishLake: I'd encourage you to stick with being in the wedding. Your brother would not have invited four members of your nuclear family to be in the wedding if it didn't mean a lot to him. His intended may not be your favorite but I'd say try to keep in mind your brother and your future nieces and nephews and be there for them.

Not that the wedding isn't adding considerable stress to a stressful time for you. I'd say see if you can work the problems of being in the wedding one at a time, rather than bundling them all together. For instance, the dress. I would wager that the bridal shop is quite accustomed to dealing with ladies that are expecting :-). See if you can cut a deal with them for deferred fitting and payment, or perhaps they have something standard they do when the size isn't completely predicatable. Remember they want your business and they should be prepared to earn it. As for the torture of kids at the reception, go with your gut and don't bring them to the reception. Traditionally at times like this the older cousins look after the younger cousins, and it sounds like a much better deal all around if your kids hang with their peers instead of the adults. There are probably some 14-to-18-year old cousins that are also going to be bored out of the minds at the reception and they may welcome the chance to babysit instead. If the wedding is in a warm-weather location, the hotel pool will be open and that can occupy cousins for a long time.

Good luck and also best wishes on the baby!

[AlwaysSAI]

One of my best friends got married at the end of July. She moved back to Michigan prior to the wedding and the wedding was in Grand Rapids. It was the first time I'd been asked to be a bridesmaid and this is what I had to say upon returning home:

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

The next time someone asks me to be a bridesmaid, I'm going to tell them there's an hourly fee.

Being a bridesmaid is A LOT more work than is usually admitted. If you don't want to do it, for whatever reason, don't. It's your money and your time.

[IrishLake]

I've changed my mind about 40 times since I posted this. I talked to my husband, I talked to my mom... they both think I should back out simply because the dress will look godawful on me. My mom doesn't even think it'll look good on my sister, she's upset. Part of me wants to do it for my brother because I love him and I know he wants me to be a part of his big day. I feel like I'll be hurting his feelings if I back out. But at the same time... my pale, chunky ass is going to look horrible in this. But then my husband said if I back out, he's only going to step down if my brother asks him to. Then if FSiL finds a replacement bridesmaid they'll still have an equal number. Only if FSiL cant find someone else will he step down. Which bothered me at first, but now I'm thinking "sa-weet, he can take care of the kids all day doing wedding party stuff, and he can partner up with my sister!"

Sigh.... I'm still thinking.

[Munchkin03]

If your future sister-in-law is really as helpless as you've made her sound, then she might be following those crazy wedding magazine timelines to the T. If it says to have the bridesmaids' dresses ordered by month 8, and she's at month 8 now, she might be freaking out.

If you do decide to remain part of the wedding (which I would because this is important to your brother), then you could just let the bride know that you're larger than you will be at the wedding; with that in mind, you'd like to get fitted for the dress later. She might not know that David's has a lightning-fast turnaround, since I imagine that the magazines she's reading say that the dress will take 8-10 weeks to get back.

She's a young bride--and her reactions might be based more out of nervousness than a desire to be a "Bridezilla."

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

I've changed my mind about 40 times since I posted this. I talked to my husband, I talked to my mom... they both think I should back out simply because the dress will look godawful on me. My mom doesn't even think it'll look good on my sister, she's upset. Part of me wants to do it for my brother because I love him and I know he wants me to be a part of his big day. I feel like I'll be hurting his feelings if I back out. But at the same time... my pale, chunky ass is going to look horrible in this. But then my husband said if I back out, he's only going to step down if my brother asks him to. Then if FSiL finds a replacement bridesmaid they'll still have an equal number. Only if FSiL cant find someone else will he step down. Which bothered me at first, but now I'm thinking "sa-weet, he can take care of the kids all day doing wedding party stuff, and he can partner up with my sister!"

Sigh.... I'm still thinking.

I'm a plus size girl. I wore a dress that is similar in style to a wedding a few weeks ago. I thought it looked horrible on me but I got compliments all night. You'll never know until you see it in person.

I loved one of the 3 dresses that my friend picked out for her wedding. I was really disappointed when I found out all the girls ended up picking the same dress.... that will probably look awful on me.... but I ordered it anyway. She's one of my very good friends and it doesn't matter what I look like on that day. Anyways, when I saw it in person I changed my mind. It's really cute and while the store didn't have my size to try on, I'm sure it'll look decent. Anything to make the bride happy!

[Jill1228]

she was completely stressed that she had to walk from the parking lot to the gate by herself (we were there waiting for her). But she's someone who can't do anything alone; go to the grocery, go to a public event, go to the mall, etc. I can understand how some people dont like to go out to eat alone or to movies alone, but this is ridiculous.

Off topic, but is she related to my older sister?

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by southbymidwest

Bag it. IL, I understand that under that "ranting", you have some very valid concerns. You have had many stressors this year, some good, some that threw you a curve. Stressing about this wedding that you have strong misgivings about will be yet another stressor. Being irritated with the bride and her checklist sucks. Walking down the aisle trying to look radiant and beaming with joy over the nuptuals of your brother and his fiance gritting your teeth sucks. Stressing about trying to fit into a shiny dress with a 5 month post pregnancy body sucks. Paying for said shiny dress and shiny shoes on an already tight budget sucks. Dreading the reception because of tired and cranky kids (and maybe we can include tired and cranky mommy and daddy too!) who have held it together for most of the day and now just can't help but melt down in public sucks. Surely those who care about you could sympathize with your situation, should you be worried about blowback. And quite frankly, anyone who does give you grief is, umm, a toad. Now my only caveat would be if you think that you could end up really liking your husband's fiance, and you that once you have a good rant, you think that well maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe it could be fun. IF no such thought enters your head, bag it.

You are allowed to look at your situation and decide if being in this wedding is something that you really want to do/realistically can do with enthusiasm and joy. You have the right to say no, nicely, and early on, so that she can plan for others to join the wedding party. If she does not understand, well, that kinda validates your feelings just a little more, huh? If I were the bride, I honestly would not want a bridesmaid who is so ambivalent about being in my wedding. I would want all the good vibes, wishes, prayers and blessings that I could get. If you cannot give her that, then perhaps you and the rest of the wedding party would be better served if you decide to bow out, gracefully. Perhaps you could offer to help in other ways the day of the ceremony.

THAT. ALLAT!!! I agree with EVERYTHING right here. I know you really want to be there for your brother but honestly, having a wedding party member who is stressed out, miserable, insecure about her attire, and DYING to leave doesn't help anybody. That foul mood (which is bound to come it seems) can be apparent to those around you and who wants that at a happy occasion? You may be doing them more of a favor by pulling out than staying in.

Why not explain the dress/size issue and, instead of "holding up the wedding by ordering my dress SO LONG after the others," offer to make sure everyone signs the guestbook? Help people get seated at the reception? Organize the gift table? Make sure everyone has their corsages/boutonnieres? There are any number of ways to be a part of your brother's big day that don't make you want to scratch your eyes out.

[AZTheta]

I know! I know! (jumping up and down doing the ridiculous happy dance).

You can do the (wait for it...) COOKIE TABLE!



Because, sister of mine, you know the right thing to do here. You really do.

And my $ is on your brother waking up by Christmas, and Bridezilla going bye-bye. Save your cash.

OTOH, this could make for a lot of entertainment between now and next June.