Getting adopted but not wanting to offend big?

[ngsu]

Hi guys! I hope I'm posting this in the right place…I haven't been on here in a long, long time so I'm not sure how it works!

But I rushed as a sophomore but will be a 5th year senior, so I get all 4 years in my sorority. I'm staring this year as a junior and have 3 full years left, but my big just graduated. I'm getting twins this fall and I really, really want to have an actual big here with me at school. My big and I haven't really ever been super close…long short short but I got placed as her little randomly and love her as a person to death, but she was always busy and other than a few times we never really hung out or talked much after the first month or so after big/little. But, during big little week she invested a lot of money to get me items and presents during the week and make it great. So, I really want a big here at school with me the next 3 years in my sorority, but I don't want to offend her or upset her/hurt her by moving into a different family, although that way I would have an actual family and a big for the rest of, or almost the rest of, college.

I would just like some input from you guys since it seems most of you have been involved in Greek life way longer than I have and are even alumnae, so maybe I could get some more advice and input. I feel like it would be strange to talk to her about getting adopted because that would put her in an awkward situation. Any ideas?

[Titchou]

I realize things have changes since I was in school, but this has to rank as one of the strangest things I've ever heard of.

[33girl]

Unless your big has been terminated from the sorority or turned in her pin on her own, you shouldn't look to be adopted into another family. Think of it this way - if your mom passed away and you erased her name off the birth certificate and put your stepmother's name on. That's pretty much what you're doing.

You are going to have a family in school - you're getting twins, for crying out loud. Unless your big is going into a cloistered convent, you can still talk to her and ask her for advice. You got a LOT more than some girls get - and you want to dump her because she GRADUATED??!? What kind of lesson would that send to the girls you are taking as littles? A lot of people actually become closer after graduation when they're not juggling 8 zillion things.

You can hang out with and get support from older sisters without killing your family line. If the families are unequal in size, maybe the smaller ones can get together to do dinners and such.

For everyone who thinks this is much ado about nothing, every school is different, and especially at smaller schools where lines can be traced back to chapter founders, family lines ARE a big deal.

[Griffins&Quills]

I agree with 33girl. It's just not how it works. If your big had transferred or dropped out it might be a different story, but fact is people graduate. And you're being kind of selfish.

She was a good big, she invested a lot of money in you as you said, and you can still talk to her and have a relationship with her. Concentrate on your future twiddles.

ETA: And bigs typically graduate before littles. It's very unlikely you would have her all of college anyway.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Unless your big has been terminated from the sorority or turned in her pin on her own, you shouldn't look to be adopted into another family. Think of it this way - if your mom passed away and you erased her name off the birth certificate and put your stepmother's name on. That's pretty much what you're doing.

You are going to have a family in school - you're getting twins, for crying out loud. Unless your big is going into a cloistered convent, you can still talk to her and ask her for advice. You got a LOT more than some girls get - and you want to dump her because she GRADUATED??!? What kind of lesson would that send to the girls you are taking as littles? A lot of people actually become closer after graduation when they're not juggling 8 zillion things.

You can hang out with and get support from older sisters without killing your family line. If the families are unequal in size, maybe the smaller ones can get together to do dinners and such.

For everyone who thinks this is much ado about nothing, every school is different, and especially at smaller schools where lines can be traced back to chapter founders, family lines ARE a big deal.

I completely agree.

And sisters graduating and moving away isn't as big of a deal as it was even 10 years ago. Cell phones and social media keep everyone in touch, and there's no reason you can't attempt to start a relationship with your big right now. As you said, she's a good person who was nothing but nice to you when you were a new member.

Also, keep in mind that once sisters reach their last year in school, they're pretty much burned out and ready to move on. Maybe your big was stressed, overworked, tired, and was just eager to take the next step. Now that she has, start a line of communication with her and see what's going on in her life. Tell her that you're going to have twins next semester and you're looking for advice or fun things to do with them.

Whatever you do, don't shut her out and change family trees (which, as has been said, I didn't even know was a thing until just now).

As a side note: In my opinion, a lot of members put waaaaay too much emphasis on the family tree relationships. In a matter of a few weeks, you go from being a (nearly clueless) PNM, to a new member (a time when you're lucky if you can remember even a fraction of your sisters' names), to having a mentor who you/everyone expects to be your bff for life. It's pretty unreasonable to think that's going to work out every single time.

[AOII Angel]

I have to agree with the other posters. You don't have to have that "Big Sis" label to have mentor or close relationships with older women in your chapter. It's okay to be close to people who aren't your Big. You won't have less of an experience because your real Big isn't around. MANY people never get along with their Bigs but don't get new ones. Make an effort to keep in touch with your Big now that she has graduated. It's a two way street.

[AZTheta]

It's YOUR TURN to be the "Big". Sounds to me like you have some preconceived ideas of what your relationship is/was supposed to be, and you feel like you got "gypped" because you only had one year with your own "Big" and it wasnt the super close friendship you wanted. Oh well. Too bad, so sad.

You can nurture your own new "Littles" and see where that goes. And FWIW I'm still in contact with my own "Big" (from back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth) and I have no idea what happened to my "Littles". Time has a way of doing that, you know.

[KD4Me]

I pledged in January of my freshman year and received my first choice as a Big Sister. She was only a sophomore, but that spring she announced that she was getting married that summer and not returning to school. I don't think her husband was particularly enthusiastic about the whole sorority thing because she didn't even come to my initiation. HER big sister stepped in and made my initiation week great. I literally don't think I ever saw her again after her wedding. During the next three years, I sometimes was envious of those girls who were close to their big sisters, and thought about how I could possibly have had someone different, if I had put another person first on my list. But that's just how it was, and some girls who had seniors as a big sister didn't have Bigs in the chapter, either. I got a little sister my sophomore year and was able to be there for her and have the relationship that I had wished that I would have with my Big Sister.

ngsu, my suggestion is to focus on the relationships that you DO have in the chapter. No need to cause awkwardness and drama.

BTW, I want to add that my big sis was a really great person and I don't hold it against her that she wasn't there for my initiation week. I really don't think her husband would let her come. I got the impression he was pretty controlling, and even as a 19-year old, I saw that. Pretty sure they eventually divorced. I wonder where she is today.

[DaffyKD]

Your big is your big. I pledged (ancient history) as a freshman, my big was a senior. Once I was initiated (beginning of my second semester) she spent all her time with her boyfriend and I saw very little of her. She and I have been in and out of contact with each other ever since. I had 2 littles. 1 turned in her pin, the other one fell off the end of the earth. No idea if my "family" line still exists.

You don't need a big. The purpose is to help you learn the ropes, answer questions and help you feel welcomed into the group. Go out and make friends, be a sister to all!

DaffyKD

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by AZTheta

It's YOUR TURN to be the "Big". Sounds to me like you have some preconceived ideas of what your relationship is/was supposed to be, and you feel like you got "gypped" because you only had one year with your own "Big" and it wasnt the super close friendship you wanted. Oh well. Too bad, so sad.

You can nurture your own new "Littles" and see where that goes. And FWIW I'm still in contact with my own "Big" (from back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth) and I have no idea what happened to my "Littles". Time has a way of doing that, you know.

Exactly. A Big is a mentor - she shows you the ropes, gets you acclimated, helps you learn what you need to know, etc. You don't need the tutelage anymore; you're an active member. You'll always have the relationship, but the relationship has changed. You're equals now. That doesn't mean that the love and closeness has changed.

It's your turn to nurture a new member(s). Take what she taught you and bring your little(s) into the fold. Make your Big proud.

[candygirl200413]

Originally Posted by KD4Me

I pledged in January of my freshman year and received my first choice as a Big Sister. She was only a sophomore, but that spring she announced that she was getting married that summer and not returning to school. I don't think her husband was particularly enthusiastic about the whole sorority thing because she didn't even come to my initiation. HER big sister stepped in and made my initiation week great. I literally don't think I ever saw her again after her wedding. During the next three years, I sometimes was envious of those girls who were close to their big sisters, and thought about how I could possibly have had someone different, if I had put another person first on my list. But that's just how it was, and some girls who had seniors as a big sister didn't have Bigs in the chapter, either. I got a little sister my sophomore year and was able to be there for her and have the relationship that I had wished that I would have with my Big Sister.

ngsu, my suggestion is to focus on the relationships that you DO have in the chapter. No need to cause awkwardness and drama.

BTW, I want to add that my big sis was a really great person and I don't hold it against her that she wasn't there for my initiation week. I really don't think her husband would let her come. I got the impression he was pretty controlling, and even as a 19-year old, I saw that. Pretty sure they eventually divorced. I wonder where she is today.

This!

My big was someone I only talked to once and I thought she was a nice girl for the most part. However she had a super busy life and just ended up not really making anytime for me. She ended up dropping out of the sorority without telling me (which was a stressful story). Luckily I got close to the other sisters in my family/branch and my crescent cousin (Never knew if that was all GphiB's or just my chapter! but just a pre-big) who is an amazing mentor and just overall woman is now my God Big. Other sisters (including my god big) suggest that I get a permanent big this coming year but the way I see it I'm totally content with my god big as my "big" and just having her till she graduates this year because she fulfilled that role for me. I also plan on taking a little this upcoming semester and decide that I can just put my attention towards her!

Yes I agree that it sucks that you might have not had that "ideal" big-little relationship. I admit that for a few weeks after she dropped I was completely jealous of all those with their wonderful big/little relationship. But it's life! I would just start putting my focus now in my future twins

[NutBrnHair]

I just wish that the word "big" could be an adjective again.

[ColdInCanada11]

I think you will be fine without being "adopted"- yes, some people are "OMG BESTIES FOR LIIIIIFE" with their big sister, but more often than not, it's just a regular friendship. The only times I have seen the first type happen on a frequent basis is when the little sister is a first year and the big sister helps them with not only the sorority but university in general. You are already good on that front, so (as several people have said), focus on your little sister. Some of my best friends from my chapter have nothing to do with my family tree- if I had been deadset on spending allllll of my time with my sister-mom, I wouldn't have that relationship now.

[misscherrypie]

I live on the other side of the country from my big, and we don't get much time to talk. When I joined Beta, she was oh so helpful with teaching me about our org and giving advice. Not a 'sunshine and rainbows and OMG...squee!!!' kind of relationship, but one borne of mutual respect and genuine appreciation for the other. I love her and love our big-little bond.

I had five littles, two of whom were never initiated, one who went inactive and moved to another state and three who are close to me and are my best friends.

It really varies.. .
My point in saying this ncsu, is echoing the suggestion to embrace your new littles. Being a big to my 'happy yellow rose crew' has been a great experience and that relationship (at least in my case) will last forever.

[AOIILisa]

I rushed as a second semester sophomore, my big was a junior so I only had a year with her too, but I don't remember being super close with her and after she graduated I never heard from her again. However, I had twiddles too, and I'm still close with one of them (the other dropped due to money issues) as well as my grand little. I'd spend your time nurturing your relationship with your new littles as everyone has advised rather than mourning the loss of your big, although I think you should make every effort to keep in touch!