Your friends/Your significant other

[Iota Man]

Do any of y'all have issues with your friends vs. your significant other? For example: My girl says I hang with my boys too much, and she sometimes trips at some of the places we like to kick it to. My boys trip if I do some shit like, tell them I can't kick it with them, because I'm chillin with my girl. Any of y'all have or had this problem? You know when you and your friends are single they hang with you, but when they get a girl or boy, they stop kickin it with you, either that, or they don't kick it with you as much. Then all of a sudden are all up under their new girl/boy. I didn't like that when I was single, so I'm not going to practice it now that I got a girl. I try to kick it with my boys and my girl. I try to keep it even, 50/50.

What's y'alls take on this? or how does this work with you and your girl/boy? Any of y'all who are single ever get mad when your girl or boy changes up when they got a new girl or boy? Then when some shit goes down, they want to hang again?

[effervescent]

I think its a common problem when your in a relationship. Your friends get upset because they feel you are spending all you time with your significant other and it goes the other way around. What i try to do is if someone complains I'm not speanding enough time with them I try to spend extra time wth them or just that day hang out with them. Often times people say that because they aren't feeling the love.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Iota Man

I didn't like that when I was single, so I'm not going to practice it now that I got a girl. I try to kick it with my boys and my girl. I try to keep it even, 50/50.

This is the right and proper way that you should kick it.

I can say for the female side, women who do this are usually the same ones who forget they're women when they become mommies. Then the husband ends up taking lots of cold showers/playing lots of golf/kicking it with someone who'll make time for him.

[Iota Man]

Originally Posted by 33girl

This is the right and proper way that you should kick it.

Exactly. I feel you on this. I like to keep it equal time with my girl and my boys. I've had too many friends who hung out with me and my other boys, but all of a sudden got all brand new when they got a girl. As soon as shit went down then they would start hangin again as if they never got all brand new.

[cheerfulgreek]

Nah, "50/50" wouldn't work for me. At times, however, men need to spend time with men, and women need to spend time with women. Afterall, we have different needs and we have different things to give to one another. It's just that no matter how good a listener your SO is, there is something qualitatively different about sharing the latest event with a special friend. It's just that she can give you something your SO cannot give and meet a need that your SO cannot meet (no fault of his own). I just believe that same-sex friendships are so important to a healthy relationship/marriage.

But, again, let me emphasize that balance is important, but "50/50" is not balance for me. Uh, uh, that's not what I mean by "balance". I believe the time we spend with our SO needs to take priority over the time we spend with our friends. It's just that when you (in general) do things separately, you have a tendency to grow apart, each experiencing your most enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation without the other. I just think it stands to reason that the person with whom you share the most enjoyable moments will give you the greatest dividends. But, not every couple is going to function in the same way, so to each its own.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Iota Man

Do any of y'all have issues with your friends vs. your significant other?

What's y'alls take on this? or how does this work with you and your girl/boy? Any of y'all who are single ever get mad when your girl or boy changes up when they got a new girl or boy? Then when some shit goes down, they want to hang again?

If a guy gets possessive about the people with whom I spend time, it's a huge red flag for me. That said, 2 years ago I was seeing a guy who really didn't want to me spend time with a specific group of friends. He hated them, but couldn't explain to me why he did. When we broke up, he tried to insinuate that it was because I had chosen them over him, when that wasn't the case at all--I chose ME. I'm an extrovert and, regardless if I'm in a serious relationship or not, I need to have an active social life. Even in our case, it was maybe 55/45 in his favor, and it still bothered him that I wasn't willing to give up my friends.

Of course, that's probably not your experience. I've had friends (both male and female) who give up their friends when they enter relationships and that's obviously not healthy. Your relationship with Brandi is still relatively new, so 50/50 is probably a healthy mix, and it probably fluctuates from time to time. Your friends may be bitter about your not being around as much, but they'll get over it eventually--unless you really are becoming "that guy."

[DrPhil]

Some things are not so formulaic. Some months it will be 50/50, some months it will be 10/90, and so forth. When you and your friends (women and men) have something to talk about and a reason to hang out, do so as long as it does not require ignoring Brandi. There will be times you ignore your friends for Brandi because you want to spend more time with Brandi. Adults can handle that.

I also encourage you to have mutual friends including but not limited to couples. That also includes people who are really your friends but they love being around Brandi; and people who are really Brandi's friends but they love being around you. You can all hang out together as long as people do not get tired of "couples outings." That will require that you not bring your drama to the outings--no couples fights.

[Iota Man]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Nah, "50/50" wouldn't work for me. At times, however, men need to spend time with men, and women need to spend time with women. Afterall, we have different needs and we have different things to give to one another. It's just that no matter how good a listener your SO is, there is something qualitatively different about sharing the latest event with a special friend. It's just that she can give you something your SO cannot give and meet a need that your SO cannot meet (no fault of his own). I just believe that same-sex friendships are so important to a healthy relationship/marriage.

But, again, let me emphasize that balance is important, but "50/50" is not balance for me. Uh, uh, that's not what I mean by "balance". I believe the time we spend with our SO needs to take priority over the time we spend with our friends. It's just that when you (in general) do things separately, you have a tendency to grow apart, each experiencing your most enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation without the other. I just think it stands to reason that the person with whom you share the most enjoyable moments will give you the greatest dividends. But, not every couple is going to function in the same way, so to each its own.

I didn't mean 50/50 literally, Cheerful. I was talking about "balance" like you said. I feel you on the rest of your post though. My girl doesn't like my boys LOL so she doesn't like it when I kick with them at all. So if I'm kickin with them 10% of the time, she trips, and I'm not throwing away my friends for nobody.

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

If a guy gets possessive about the people with whom I spend time, it's a huge red flag for me. That said, 2 years ago I was seeing a guy who really didn't want to me spend time with a specific group of friends. He hated them, but couldn't explain to me why he did. When we broke up, he tried to insinuate that it was because I had chosen them over him, when that wasn't the case at all--I chose ME. I'm an extrovert and, regardless if I'm in a serious relationship or not, I need to have an active social life. Even in our case, it was maybe 55/45 in his favor, and it still bothered him that I wasn't willing to give up my friends.

Of course, that's probably not your experience. I've had friends (both male and female) who give up their friends when they enter relationships and that's obviously not healthy. Your relationship with Brandi is still relatively new, so 50/50 is probably a healthy mix, and it probably fluctuates from time to time. Your friends may be bitter about your not being around as much, but they'll get over it eventually--unless you really are becoming "that guy."

That's how my girl is. She doesn't like my boys. The thing is it isn't really literally 50/50, although she thinks I spend more time with them than I do with her, and the reason why she thinks I spend too much time with them is because she doesn't like them. And because of that she doesn't like when I hang out with them. But, they were my boys long before I even met Brandi. She gets all bent out of shape whenever we kick it at the club. Basically, the issue is the same problem you had with your ex.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Some things are not so formulaic. Some months it will be 50/50, some months it will be 10/90, and so forth. When you and your friends (women and men) have something to talk about and a reason to hang out, do so as long as it does not require ignoring Brandi. There will be times you ignore your friends for Brandi because you want to spend more time with Brandi. Adults can handle that.

I also encourage you to have mutual friends including but not limited to couples. That also includes people who are really your friends but they love being around Brandi; and people who are really Brandi's friends but they love being around you. You can all hang out together as long as people do not get tired of "couples outings." That will require that you not bring your drama to the outings--no couples fights.

I feel you, but my girl would trip if I really did kick it with my boys 90% of the time.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Iota Man

I feel you, but my girl would trip if I really did kick it with my boys 90% of the time.

10/90 = You spend 90% with Brandi

You are an adult in an adult (non-long distance) relationship, afterall.

DUHHHHH.....

[WCsweet<3]

I had a similar discussion with my friend last night who is a relationship counselor. I'm going to try to paraphrase it:
In the initial start of relationship there is the honeymoon phase where all you do is "hit it" and spend a ton of times of the special, new, exciting person. After a while, which could be weeks or years depending on the person/couple, one person begins to look for breathing room. This is often where people have problems because usually one person gets to this point before the other. This is one of the biggest and most common problems in relationships.

How you get beyond that is up to you. Try to talk it out with her, going to therapy, giving up, etc. Depends on how big a problem it is. My friend says that about 90% of the people who come to see him have this problem or it is the base cause for the majority of their problems.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years and we are still working that out. It will also vary with where you two are in the relationship, some times there will be more need for friends, other times not so much.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Iota Man

I didn't mean 50/50 literally, Cheerful. I was talking about "balance" like you said. I feel you on the rest of your post though. My girl doesn't like my boys LOL so she doesn't like it when I kick with them at all. So if I'm kickin with them 10% of the time, she trips, and I'm not throwing away my friends for nobody.

lol
Okay, I did take you literally.

That's too bad she doesn't like your friends. This whole thing probably could have been avoided if both you and Brandi took the time to really get to know each other. Also, no one is asking you to "throw your friends away". However, relationships are never just about you, they are about the other person. You and Brandi have no one to blame, really. Where the both of you are right now are where your choices have led you.

For me, I'm not going to get involved with a man if I don't like his friends, because (to me) his friends are just an extension of who he is when I am not around him. That is why they are his friends. Like I've said before, to me, friends reveal a lot about the person I am considering, because they can be considered duplicates. "Birds of a feather flock together". If you do not like the other person's friends, understand that they are displaying something -–behaviors, habits, attitudes, etc. she/he might be hiding from you. For this reason, patience and discernment are required when you are trying to find someone with whom to make love work. Maybe something Brandi should have thought about before making the choice to commit to you long-term, and something she would have been able to see if she would have taken the time to get to know you.

Bottom line, when we don't use our head, we set ourselves up for disappointment by not paying attention to key signs the other person is displaying.

Good luck, I hope the two of you can resolve the issue.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

When we broke up, he tried to insinuate that it was because I had chosen them over him, when that wasn't the case at all--I chose ME.

Couldn't resist.