My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

That's right...her sister's are not to blame for the rape, so why try to blame them in this article? Women of the world are not to blame for her rape, so why try to blame them for her experience? I understand she has a lot of baggage, but a lot of her anger seems misplaced.

I didn't think she blamed her sisters for the rape, but that as the few people in the world she would have looked to for support in the situation, she felt they turned their backs on her during a time in which she probably needed their support the most.

The bottom line is she suppressed her feelings for so long, thinking she got over them, and she hadn't. Now she should know that she should seek some therapy to address her issues, particularly as a mother of girls.

[TSteven]

From what the author wrote, she is not blaming her former sorority sisters for her rape. Nor from what I read is anyone else alluding that she is blaming her former sorority sisters for the rape. What she has said is that they failed to support her during her crisis.

And they not only failed to support me in crisis, they collectively kicked me as I lay in the gutter, judged me from under a veil of hypocrisy, then cast me out, leper-style. Their betrayal cut so deep that it has left me anxious and cowering to this day.

And where does she say she fears or hate women? I'm not even sure she is angry at women. She has a valid viewpoint based from a very real, very personal, and very painful situation. It may not be a popular one, but it is a view point that other GC posters have acknowledged as well.

I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and mothering choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don’t have a clue where we stand with one another — socially, as mothers, as colleagues — because we’re at once allies and foes.

No where does she say she is not getting help now or ever refused it. (Apologies, but I can not quote something that has not been said.) She point blank says she tried to find closure. So when or how did questioning a horrific life experience become the cause of self hating much less being the potential cause of her daughters' possible self hating?

I want to remain optimistic. After all, here I am with three daughters. What am I to teach them? Cautionary tales about men’s harmful proclivities abound. But how do we help our girls navigate the duplicitous female maze? How do we ensure that they behave authentically, respect humanity over fleeting alliances, and squash the nasty tribal instincts that can inflict lifelong distress.

Frankly, there is no cookie cutter approach to healing. As such, I applaud the author for her courage, her determination to remain optimistic, and her concern over the need to teach her daughters.

[AOII Angel]

"For the last 20-odd years, I’ve slapped Band-Aids on my wounds while avoiding any kind of group female intimacy. I begged off on baby groups when my children were born and haven’t been able to bear book clubs, the charity circuit, women’s fitness classes or the country club scene. Even finding myself among a group of cheering and chatting mothers at my children’s sporting events can trigger that familiar anxiety.
But to my enduring wonder, I have never felt the same anxiety about men. To be sure, their violence and misogynistic rituals stole my innocence and triggered the demons of shame and repression that shackle me still.
Yet their actions, however crude and criminal, ultimately hurt me far less than the judgments, connivance and betrayal of women. The men in my drama acknowledged wrongdoing, apologized, showed remorse. Punishment, however minor, was meted out. They did not blame me, and they shouldn’t have. But the women shouldn’t have, either, and they did."

Slapping Band-aids on a fear and distrust of women...all women, since she can't even join a fitness class or mother's support group is pathological. Sorry if I worry that her feelings about women WILL be felt by her daughters. At some point she has to see that her experience should teach her that her sisters were not worth being friends with, not that all women are worth avoiding and fearing! Do I really think that her 20 year fear of women really has to do with a few "sisters" (who she admitted not really liking) kicking her out of her sorority? No! She may think she has "forgiven" her attacker because it is easier for her to compartmentalize her pain over her situation, her embarrassment over her supposed "fault" in the incident and her inability to move past the event into distrusting women. This is just a defense mechanism, not an indictment of sorority life. Sure those girls were selfish scumbags, but this poor woman needs help to come to grips with an event that she obviously has not gotten over.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by TSteven

So when or how did questioning a horrific life experience become the cause of self hating much less being the potential cause of her daughters' possible self hating?

Sorry TSteven, when you can go back to your childhood and be raised as a girl with all of the societal pressures applied telling you that you aren't as smart or as worthwhile as a boy, then you can judge whether or not having a mother who distrusts ALL women would damage your sense of self and your sense of community!

[SydneyK]

^^^ Every group of people can talk about the societal pressures applied to that group during childhood (and beyond). There are different societal expectations heaped upon everyone - girls, boys, whites, Muslims, Jews, etc... IMO, societal pressure has nothing to do with whether a mother has the potential to color her children's perceptions... of anything. Because we all know that she does indeed have that power. And so does the father. And so does the Jewish neighbor. And the Arab boy in Billy's class.

This woman, if nothing else, is conveying to me that she recognizes the perception-coloring potential she has over her children (or else she wouldn't bring up the fact that she has daughters), and that she's concerned that she doesn't know how to address it.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

^^^ Every group of people can talk about the societal pressures applied to that group during childhood (and beyond). There are different societal expectations heaped upon everyone - girls, boys, whites, Muslims, Jews, etc... IMO, societal pressure has nothing to do with whether a mother has the potential to color her children's perceptions... of anything. Because we all know that she does indeed have that power. And so does the father. And so does the Jewish neighbor. And the Arab boy in Billy's class.

This woman, if nothing else, is conveying to me that she recognizes the perception-coloring potential she has over her children (or else she wouldn't bring up the fact that she has daughters), and that she's concerned that she doesn't know how to address it.

I don't disagree with you, but I don't think I appreciate a man saying that a mother's open distrust of women won't affect the self-esteem of her daughters like he has any experience with what it is like to grow up as a woman constantly hearing this crap about women being evil, catty and unfeeling. I don't see that the woman does recognize the risk, especially when everything she said about women in her article perpetuates this idea that women are somehow broken and need to be more like men to have good relationships.

[UGAalum94]

And there's the title of the thread and article too.

"My sorority pledge? I swore off sisterhood." I supposed we can assume that she meant only the sororities sisters who mistreated her (and I think they did), but I think other aspects about groups that she avoids indicate that she's condemning or fearing people pretty far removed from the college experience.

She basically condemns all groups of women, and I think many of us know from personal experience that her condemnation is unfounded for many if not almost all groups, especially groups of women her present age. (Some of what she observes is true, but it's human frailty rather than female frailty, if you ask me.)

Is she entitled to her feelings on a personal level? Sure. Does that mean all readers of her New York Times piece should reach a similar conclusion or validate her "groups of women are evil" mindset? Probably not.

I don't blame her for feeling like she does about her college experience and the people involved, but I don't think it's particularly representative and I don't think it's a valid way to look at women today.

[TSteven]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

^^^ Every group of people can talk about the societal pressures applied to that group during childhood (and beyond). There are different societal expectations heaped upon everyone - girls, boys, whites, Muslims, Jews, etc... IMO, societal pressure has nothing to do with whether a mother has the potential to color her children's perceptions... of anything. Because we all know that she does indeed have that power. And so does the father. And so does the Jewish neighbor. And the Arab boy in Billy's class.

This woman, if nothing else, is conveying to me that she recognizes the perception-coloring potential she has over her children (or else she wouldn't bring up the fact that she has daughters), and that she's concerned that she doesn't know how to address it.

Well said. Then again, I'm just a guy. So what do I know?

[Leslie Anne]

Originally Posted by TSteven

Well said. Then again, I'm just a guy. So what do I know?

Yes, but you're the best of men.

[akdphi_cherry]

Originally Posted by Ch2tf

I agree about personal responsibility, but as a note my friends/family and I have "rules" so to speak when we go out. You come as you go, i.e. if we came together we leave together, no if and or buts about it. What she does after she gets home is her business. Also, the friends that tend to get shitfaced when they drink, stay HOME when we go out because we don't want to babysit all nite. Of course someone almost always ends up drinking more than they intended, but we tend to be really strong about cutting someone off, and when necessary taking them home if it gets outta hand. It sucks when you have to cut your night short but in the end it seems more worth me being temporarily mad at a friend about her drunken behavior, than being upset about things that could happen to her if we just left her on her own.

I wasn't at all surprised to see you're Theta Nu Xi

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by akdphi_cherry

I wasn't at all surprised to see you're Theta Nu Xi

And that is because?

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Ch2tf

And that is because?

Because she couldn't resist making a superfluous comment.




[Irony of post fully intended.]

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Because she couldn't resist making a superfluous comment.




[Irony of post fully intended.]

I guess so...still waiting to hear what she has to say. The funny thing the stance I posted has less to do with being in TNX then it does with good "home" training that was instilled well before I became a member of TNX.

[akdphi_cherry]

Aha, I didn't mean it was *because* you were a member, I meant that every one I've met has been totally classy.

[PageantDiamonds]

It is just an article. You people act like she declared war on the NPC.