My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

Nobody EVER deserves to be raped. Rape has a perpetrator, and there's no sharing of the blame for the crime. The blame's on the rapist.

That's right...her sister's are not to blame for the rape, so why try to blame them in this article? Women of the world are not to blame for her rape, so why try to blame them for her experience? I understand she has a lot of baggage, but a lot of her anger seems misplaced. I wouldn't usually argue with a victim on how she deals with her pain, but she was very public about her fear of women and how this is affecting her daily life. If she were not a mother, I'd feel sorry for her and wish she'd get some help. As soon as she stated that she is the mother of two girls, she moves from the solitary victim to the potential cause of her own children's self hatred and distrust of women. She owes it to her daughters to overcome this problem. No one is pretending like this is going to be easy, and I completely understand that she has reasons to be scared, but those reasons can't justify scarring her children.

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

That's right...her sister's are not to blame for the rape, so why try to blame them in this article? Women of the world are not to blame for her rape, so why try to blame them for her experience? I understand she has a lot of baggage, but a lot of her anger seems misplaced.

I didn't think she blamed her sisters for the rape, but that as the few people in the world she would have looked to for support in the situation, she felt they turned their backs on her during a time in which she probably needed their support the most.

The bottom line is she suppressed her feelings for so long, thinking she got over them, and she hadn't. Now she should know that she should seek some therapy to address her issues, particularly as a mother of girls.

[TSteven]

From what the author wrote, she is not blaming her former sorority sisters for her rape. Nor from what I read is anyone else alluding that she is blaming her former sorority sisters for the rape. What she has said is that they failed to support her during her crisis.

And they not only failed to support me in crisis, they collectively kicked me as I lay in the gutter, judged me from under a veil of hypocrisy, then cast me out, leper-style. Their betrayal cut so deep that it has left me anxious and cowering to this day.

And where does she say she fears or hate women? I'm not even sure she is angry at women. She has a valid viewpoint based from a very real, very personal, and very painful situation. It may not be a popular one, but it is a view point that other GC posters have acknowledged as well.

I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and mothering choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don’t have a clue where we stand with one another — socially, as mothers, as colleagues — because we’re at once allies and foes.

No where does she say she is not getting help now or ever refused it. (Apologies, but I can not quote something that has not been said.) She point blank says she tried to find closure. So when or how did questioning a horrific life experience become the cause of self hating much less being the potential cause of her daughters' possible self hating?

I want to remain optimistic. After all, here I am with three daughters. What am I to teach them? Cautionary tales about men’s harmful proclivities abound. But how do we help our girls navigate the duplicitous female maze? How do we ensure that they behave authentically, respect humanity over fleeting alliances, and squash the nasty tribal instincts that can inflict lifelong distress.

Frankly, there is no cookie cutter approach to healing. As such, I applaud the author for her courage, her determination to remain optimistic, and her concern over the need to teach her daughters.

[AOII Angel]

"For the last 20-odd years, I’ve slapped Band-Aids on my wounds while avoiding any kind of group female intimacy. I begged off on baby groups when my children were born and haven’t been able to bear book clubs, the charity circuit, women’s fitness classes or the country club scene. Even finding myself among a group of cheering and chatting mothers at my children’s sporting events can trigger that familiar anxiety.
But to my enduring wonder, I have never felt the same anxiety about men. To be sure, their violence and misogynistic rituals stole my innocence and triggered the demons of shame and repression that shackle me still.
Yet their actions, however crude and criminal, ultimately hurt me far less than the judgments, connivance and betrayal of women. The men in my drama acknowledged wrongdoing, apologized, showed remorse. Punishment, however minor, was meted out. They did not blame me, and they shouldn’t have. But the women shouldn’t have, either, and they did."

Slapping Band-aids on a fear and distrust of women...all women, since she can't even join a fitness class or mother's support group is pathological. Sorry if I worry that her feelings about women WILL be felt by her daughters. At some point she has to see that her experience should teach her that her sisters were not worth being friends with, not that all women are worth avoiding and fearing! Do I really think that her 20 year fear of women really has to do with a few "sisters" (who she admitted not really liking) kicking her out of her sorority? No! She may think she has "forgiven" her attacker because it is easier for her to compartmentalize her pain over her situation, her embarrassment over her supposed "fault" in the incident and her inability to move past the event into distrusting women. This is just a defense mechanism, not an indictment of sorority life. Sure those girls were selfish scumbags, but this poor woman needs help to come to grips with an event that she obviously has not gotten over.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by TSteven

So when or how did questioning a horrific life experience become the cause of self hating much less being the potential cause of her daughters' possible self hating?

Sorry TSteven, when you can go back to your childhood and be raised as a girl with all of the societal pressures applied telling you that you aren't as smart or as worthwhile as a boy, then you can judge whether or not having a mother who distrusts ALL women would damage your sense of self and your sense of community!