The ramblings of a single woman... (TFKA ...crying pink and green tears...

[RBL]

Originally posted by Jorrie96
I'm in Raleigh so if you know someone send them my way
I've been single for a while and I did take some time and have enjoyed working on me. But I'm ready to get back into the dating scene and it has changed so much!

I live a little outside of the triangle so most of the people I could connect you to are in the area.. I'll see who I could find that is worthy of a lovely lady of AKA

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by RBL
I'll see who I could find that is worthy of a lovely lady of AKA

Wait, Phrat, what about me??? Who you know in the DC area?

[abaici]

Originally posted by Jorrie96
Hi All,

Please excuse me for the long posting but I just have to vent for a moment. Where, oh where, can I find a single, good brother (in North Carolina) who isn't bothered by the fact that I've done well?

My last boyfriend and I started out at about the same pay rate and over three years we both applied for two promotions. He got neither and I got them both. Our salaries went from about the same to my salary being almost three times his. This freaked him out as he said he made him feel less like a man.

I've talked to some of my male friends about this and they confirmed that this can be a definite issue in a relationship and that some guys find a self-sufficient woman intimadating.

I own my home and have a nice car but I NEVER mention those things now when I meet someone. I shouldn't have to downplay the things I've earned but I've come to learn that it may not be such a bad idea.

Has anyone heard of the club in New York that requires a bio in order to become a member? The men and women have to meet certain criteria (income level, education, no kids or something like that..don't remember all of the story). At first I thought it was a horrible idea but now it sort of makes sense.

And in case some people are wondering I HONESTLY could care less how much he makes or what he drives (where he lives is a different story...he shouldn't still be living with Mom if he is still in his 30's ) ..I just want someone who genuinely cares about me and values my company.

Has anyone else run into this? I feel like I'm running out of ideas on where to meet people and as 31 creeps upon me I worry about this more and more.

<Sigh> Maybe it is just me (yes, I have thought about that too!)

Again, I apologize for the rant but sometimes the world seems to be all coupled up and I feel totally left out

PS I'm serious about knowing someone in NC. If you do drop me a line

Lord help! I was thinking of moving to NC in the next couple of years.

Hmm. This relationship thing. I want a husband and children. I too, am starting to feel like an old maid. I see soooooo many people who are married and in wonderful relationships. Personally, I have some things that I need to work on. However, I don't think that I need to be perfect before I get married. THe sad thing, is that I thought I finally met "the one", but alas.

Also, I was discussing this with a friend the other day. Successful women of a certain age start to feel inadequate. I mean, I can accomplish things that so many people cannot, yet, I am a failure at something ANYONE can do. Re-re on the corner has a husband.

[Jorrie96]

You hit the nail on the head...I do feel like a failure. It's as if I can't achieve the one thing that I want the most......

[lovelyivy84]

ANYONE might be able to find some dude who will marry them, but not ANYONE can have and sustain a succesful marriage.

Not ANYONE can find a husband who is a good man. Give yourself some credit people, it really isn't easy finding The One!

[toocute]

Originally posted by Jorrie96
You hit the nail on the head...I do feel like a failure. It's as if I can't achieve the one thing that I want the most......

NO NO NO!!! Lawd make a girl choke on her coffee when I read that. Co sign on what my dear sistafriend lovelyivy said above me.

((((((((single sistahs))))))))

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by abaici
Lord help! I was thinking of moving to NC in the next coupkle of years.

Hmm. This relationship thing. I want a husband and children. I too, am starting to feel like an old maid. I see soooooo many people who are married and in wonderful relationships. Personally, I have some things that I need to work on. However, I don't think that I need to be perfect before I get married. THe sad thing, is that I thought I finally met "the one", but alas.

Also, I was discussing this with a friend the other day. Successful women of a certain age start to feel inadequate. I mean, I can accomplish things that so many people cannot, yet, I am a failure at something ANYONE can do. Re-re on the corner has a husband.

Abaici, I totally understand how you feel. Although I don't feel inadequate, even the best, happiest person can began to question themselves when it comes to this.

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by Jorrie96
You hit the nail on the head...I do feel like a failure. It's as if I can't achieve the one thing that I want the most......

Soror, I understand your sentiment exactly. I have been very successful with education and career but the one thing that I have wanted since I was a small child has eluded me. My mom said that it's b/c things like education and career are things that we can control to a large extent but ONLY G-D can control another human being and so we can not force these men to act right if they don't want to do so. Keep your head up. They aren't all bad. It may just be a numbers game. Are you able to meet more men? A good friend of mine is a soror who is in the grad chapter in Raleigh (or just outside, not sure). They go out alot and tend to have opportunities to meet men. Shall I pm you with her email address?

Soror SummerChild

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by abaici
Successful women of a certain age start to feel inadequate. I mean, I can accomplish things that so many people cannot, yet, I am a failure at something ANYONE can do. Re-re on the corner has a husband.

I totally feel you on this. It's not WHO Re-Re has, it's the fact that she has. It's all principle. I'm not saying I think a relationship or a marriage is going to be easy. I'm saying I'm ready for the challenge. I'm not saying I wish I had everyone's husband; what Yah has for me is for me. I'm saying that I WANT mine and I'm tired of waiting. See, people get uncomfortable with these types of conversations. All of a sudden we are desperate and need to quit looking. Who said any of us were looking for anything? I'm trying to WAIT patiently. That does not get rid of the feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, horniness, etc. Like a good friend of mine says, we need to start telling the truth. All that rhetoric about enjoying time with yourself is just that, rhetoric. Yes, I enjoy time with myself. Yes, I love myself. Yes, that's all cool. I'm still horny. I'm still lonely. I still crave the LONG TERM COMPANIONSHIP of a mate. I still crave children. I WANT to be pregnant, whether I like the whole experience or not, I want to have it. I'm no longer willing to act like I'm cool with being single; I'm not. Because what I realize is that all the things that I'm doing as a single woman I can do as a married woman. I'm not saying that I didn't need nor trust the process. I do and I did. However, that does not change my truth. I'm not runnin' up in the clubs every weekend trying to meet some man. I'm not basing everything I do on meeting some man. But trust that it is ALWAYS on my mind. No, my life has not stopped (supposedly, it just started last Wednesday ), I continue to do the things that fulfill me. But there is a void, and it can't be ignored.

Single sistas out there, I feel you.

[Steeltrap]

Originally posted by abaici
Lord help! I was thinking of moving to NC in the next coupkle of years.

Hmm. This relationship thing. I want a husband and children. I too, am starting to feel like an old maid. I see soooooo many people who are married and in wonderful relationships. Personally, I have some things that I need to work on. However, I don't think that I need to be perfect before I get married. THe sad thing, is that I thought I finally met "the one", but alas.

Also, I was discussing this with a friend the other day. Successful women of a certain age start to feel inadequate. I mean, I can accomplish things that so many people cannot, yet, I am a failure at something ANYONE can do. Re-re on the corner has a husband.

Yeah, and Boomshakalaka has a babyperson and I don't.
I've been having a ton of these feelings, particularly as I get older and have to face my mother and sister's reaction to my nephew's "instafamily" , which is a piece of steaming drama.

[Conskeeted7]

Originally posted by Steeltrap
Yeah, and Boomshakalaka has a babyperson and I don't.
I've been having a ton of these feelings, particularly as I get older and have to face my mother and sister's reaction to my nephew's "instafamily" , which is a piece of steaming drama.

I can agree on that sentiment. Since I got married, everyone feels very comfortable asking me when I'm having kids or why aren't we having kids any sooner. It just bothers me because we'd tried for a while and gave up. Said maybe it wasn't time...but meanwhile, every little girl at the mall has a stroller and every hoodrat is somebody's baby mama. While here I am, ready and willing to create a loving home for a child. Then people look at me funny because I'm married and don't have kids. It's a topic at every family get together or just everytime I meet someone and they know or find out that I'm married. But I know that my time will come. It's just frustrating sometimes.

[abaici]

Originally posted by Ideal08
I totally feel you on this. It's not WHO Re-Re has, it's the fact that she has. It's all principle. I'm not saying I think a relationship or a marriage is going to be easy. I'm saying I'm ready for the challenge. I'm not saying I wish I had everyone's husband; what Yah has for me is for me. I'm saying that I WANT mine and I'm tired of waiting. See, people get uncomfortable with these types of conversations. All of a sudden we are desperate and need to quit looking. Who said any of us were looking for anything? I'm trying to WAIT patiently. That does not get rid of the feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, horniness, etc. Like a good friend of mine says, we need to start telling the truth. All that rhetoric about enjoying time with yourself is just that, rhetoric. Yes, I enjoy time with myself. Yes, I love myself. Yes, that's all cool. I'm still horny. I'm still lonely. I still crave the LONG TERM COMPANIONSHIP of a mate. I still crave children. I WANT to be pregnant, whether I like the whole experience or not, I want to have it. I'm no longer willing to act like I'm cool with being single; I'm not. Because what I realize is that all the things that I'm doing as a single woman I can do as a married woman. I'm not saying that I didn't need nor trust the process. I do and I did. However, that does not change my truth. I'm not runnin' up in the clubs every weekend trying to meet some man. I'm not basing everything I do on meeting some man. But trust that it is ALWAYS on my mind. No, my life has not stopped (supposedly, it just started last Wednesday ), I continue to do the things that fulfill me. But there is a void, and it can't be ignored.

Single sistas out there, I feel you.

We are sooooo >here< soror!

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by Ideal08
I'm saying that I WANT mine and I'm tired of waiting. See, people get uncomfortable with these types of conversations. All of a sudden we are desperate and need to quit looking. Who said any of us were looking for anything? I'm trying to WAIT patiently. That does not get rid of the feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, horniness, etc. Like a good friend of mine says, we need to start telling the truth.

Then you are doing the right thing by putting it out there. I have a girlfriend who will celebrate her 2nd anniversary this year who did the same thing. Girlfriend let any and everyone know that she was actively looking for a MATE--not a date. She would go out on a first date with almost anyone. She had a good job, car, own home, education, etc and she was ready. Now this does not mean that she accepted anything. Like I said, she went out on a lot of first dates, but had to end it right there with a lot of them. She also got out there. She developed new hobbies, took classes that would put her in the company of men. If the man she met at these events was married, so what. She was like "you got any friends??". At first I was a little worried about her, but she was as serious about her quest as she was other aspects of her life. She met her hubby at a small get together given by a friend of a friend.

I think the reason a lot of married folks say the "be patient" "don't hurry love" kinda stuff is they know what it looks like from the other side. Just like a none sorority member could not understand the interworkings of AKA and the sisterhood, no matter how many stories she has heard, a single person really can't understand some of the stuff you may go through as a married person. I know a lot of people who say "if I knew then, what I know now..." regarding their marriage. Not to say they wouldn't get married, but would do things a little differently.

Conskeeted I know how you feel about the baby thing. I've been married for almost 8 years and don't have children. Initially this was by choice, and after 4 years of no birth control still no children. Folks just need to mind their own business. When people piss me off I just tell them that I can't have children and most shut the heck up because they are embarassed. Serves them right for being nosy!

[abaici]

Originally posted by Eclipse
Conskeeted I know how you feel about the baby thing. I've been married for almost 8 years and don't have children. Initially this was by choice, and after 4 years of no birth control still no children. Folks just need to mind their own business. When people piss me off I just tell them that I can't have children and most shut the heck up because they are embarassed. Serves them right for being nosy!

That's another thing. As we get older, a lot of us are experiencing feritility problems. That Essence article scared the beejeesus out of me (about infertility in Black women). I think it is BEYOND rude to ask someone this question, especially if you are not close enough to them to know WHY they do not have children. I've seen people ask people why they don't have children. "YOU BEEN MARRIED FOR HOW LONG!?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?"

You don't know if they have fertility problems. You don't know if the person is ill, and the doctor has advised against children. You don't know if they just don't want them. The point is, it's non of your business.

[Jorrie96]

Ideal 08,

You took the words right out of my mouth. When people tell me to take this time to work on myself, it sort of feels like they are saying I'm single because there is something WRONG with me that I need to "work on". And I too am sick of acting like it is ok; It's not! I don't want to be single and it is always somewhere in the back of my mind.


I do a lot of international travel for work and let me tell ya there is NOTHING more lonely than arriving back in the states after being gone for a week or so and not having someone there to pick you up at the airport...that is the absolute worst.

Unless you count the time my Mother called me up to watch a segment on Dateline about how successful women think it is okay to wait until they are in their 40's to have kids and the problems they then have once they start trying...that was pretty bad too.

Or that look of sheer shock on people's face as they say 'Wow, I can't believe you STILL aren't married" when you say you are still single..that kind of hurts too..

I could go on and on…….

Though it does help to see that others are in my same boat. ALL, and yes I mean ALL, of my friends are married so I feel like I'm the only single chick out there sometimes..

We ought to be able to do something about this! We're a group of bright, intelligent women..Any ideas?