Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community - Page 6

Ideal08 · #1 02-21-2008, 03:32 PM

Oh, to meet another isolator!!! SOROR, I have had the instances when I couldn't get dressed for work, couldn't even get out of bed. Once a soror that I worked with had to come to my apartment to help me. At work that week she had to take me outside to walk around the parking lot because I got angry and WENT OFF on the phone at work. I could not control stuff I normally had control over. I don't know what I would have done without her at that point in my life. But she understood cuz she had been there and knew she had to get me out of bed and out of the house.

Giiiiiiirrrrrrrrl, the blinds drawn--that hit a nerve. I used to wish I had hotel curtains in my apartment b/c they are so good at keeping the room dark! I didn't even realize how dark I kept my apartment until someone pointed it out. Now I make it a habit to open the blinds every day (even when I don't want to). People would be surprised what a little sunlight will do. First, it's hard to stay in bed and sleep if the room is bright (even though I have a little eye mask, lol). In my last housebound episode, I stopped going to work, didn't go to bible class on the Sabbath, stopped checking my mail, didn't answer the phone, didn't check voicemail, nothing. One of the apartment managers came to my door to check on me because my job called concerned. I hadn't gone in or called or anything. It was my rock bottom. I didn't even call my therapist (which I got ripped a new one for when I finally went in). She helped me figure out it was cyclic and how often it happened. I don't EVER want it to get that bad again. I pay attention to the signs, at least I try to.

Oh, the expectations are WAY overwhelming. I'm joining the land of the living again, and it's hard. First folks want to know WHY I haven't been in touch, and I haven't yet figured out what to say. I kinda just brush over it and never really answer the question. Like you, I'm shocked and blessed that they even still want to deal with me, let along be my friend. My sister gets mad when I don't answer her calls. I've started answering them because she called one day and was like, "DO I NEED TO COME DOWN THERE? ARE YOU BACK ON MEDICATION? WTF IS GOIN' ON??????" I realized she was scared and worried and I can't have that (she has high blood pressure), so even when she is the last person I want to be bothered with (she's also an alcoholic and often drunk dials), I take her calls. Girl, family...

It's hard especially because I don't have a reason to why I don't feel like talking or being bothered. Sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I'm just tired, and it takes energy to be around people and to talk to people and to be my regular self. And if I'm not my regular self, then people ask what's wrong and I don't have an answer to all that, so to avoid all that, I just don't answer the phone. But I will email cuz people can't tell by email if I'm down or not. So I can stay in touch and not have to be 'human,' if that makes any sense.

My manfriend has no idea how much he helps me when he makes me do stuff by myself, like run errands. Sometimes, I'm just scared to leave the house alone and I want him to go with me and he is NOT on it. But I don't want to become one of the people I read about who can only leave the house with her husband. I don't want to be her, as much as I don't want to go out by myself. It's a constant struggle, me fighting me. Makes me feel crazy and unbalanced. But I realize I'm not fighting me, I'm fighting the depression/anxiety that is trying to control me. So I have to force myself to take control, one day at a time.

That being said, sometimes I want nothing more than to be by myself and do things that don't require other people. Like going to the library and the bookstore or going for walks, activities where I'm out of the house, but still kinda isolated and don't have to socialize.

But I can tell I'm getting better because I don't pray for death anymore. I never wanted to actually kill myself, I just wanted to cease to exist somehow. Or I wanted some freak accident to happen so I could die and not deal with the stigma of suicide. Or I wanted some fairy godmother to send me someone who could go out and live my life while I stayed in the bed. I don't feel that way anymore and what's more, I'm not ashamed that I ever felt that way at all. I want to actually LIVE now. I don't want to just survive; I want to get to a point where I am LIVING joyfully. I'm not there yet, but that's what I pray for now. And it's what I wish for you, Soror PIP777, and the rest of you in this thread. I wish LIFE for us.

((((((((((all y'all))))))))))

OhSoVeryLadylike · #2 02-21-2008, 06:21 PM

I've been seeing a therapist as part of the whole transplant experience. They believe I may have DEVELOPED HYPOMANIA as a result of inactivity. Basically I have sooo much free time on my hand that I spend alot of time analyzing myself and when you think too much about your life, actions, inactions, what you have, what you don't have, who wants you, who doesn't want you, it can be bad on your self-esteem and ambitious or it can make you feel too ambitious.

Like I live at home, because I shouldn't be alone in case anything happens. I have no friends in a two hour distance, I am single (yes people PREACH that people don't need significant other, but it's different when you CAN'T have one because of issues - like not ever being able to have more children, not being where there are people to meet, being the background person, etc and that takes a blow to your confidence also). I've never been prone to depression because I believe that life is what you make of it and that all things turn out in God's fashion. But, these issues I have all rolled together put me in a place of panic.
I am glad I have been able to deal with it. Cause I used to joke to my best friend that I REALLY thought I was losing my mind, cause I was HAPPY but I'd be so despondent about the HAPPINESS that it felt wrong. If that makes any sense.

AKA_Monet · #3 02-21-2008, 07:13 PM

Gentle GCers--

Don't forget that depression is also anger turned inward, toward yourself...

So, anger has WAAAYS to be dealt with. Often in our interactions, we are told not to get angry, especially women, hold in your anger because it is unladylike... What that does is send the anger stressor into various parts of your body that just take the abuse as buffer, but as you get older, it because diseased and pathological that the organ cannot handle it anymore... Or worse, causes growths like cancer...

One way to deal with anger is seek resolution to disappate it. Anger, in and of itself is a "flight or fight" response... Strong-willed people fight... That's not always a good thing... It is viewed as weak if one takes flight... But, as humans, we can disarm our opponents... What that does is calm angry people down, it adds paradox, a defray... And guess what, we have to practice it like an physical exercise. Now, hindsight is always 20/20, but start with those is you do anger suppression. Then eventually, bring clarity to your feelings: i.e. "I am angry because __________________"

Like today, I am angry because a deadline is coming up and I feel it is unfulfilled. I am angry about it because I feel alienated by people I trust...

Follow that format. Avoid "You" statements. And the onus is on your feelings and your anger...

AKA_Monet · #4 02-21-2008, 07:22 PM

Mint teas... Eases stress fast!!! Safe... Anything mint, except candy...

Yoga, kundalini and hatha breaths... Deep meditative breathing...

Drink water. Only 8 oz. per day with exercise.

These practices are to be used inconjuction with your healthcare providers directions.

darling1 · #5 02-21-2008, 09:03 PM

when i discovered the anger piece, it was a lightbulb moment. im going to read this again because its a constant struggle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Gentle GCers--

Don't forget that depression is also anger turned inward, toward yourself...

So, anger has WAAAYS to be dealt with. Often in our interactions, we are told not to get angry, especially women, hold in your anger because it is unladylike... What that does is send the anger stressor into various parts of your body that just take the abuse as buffer, but as you get older, it because diseased and pathological that the organ cannot handle it anymore... Or worse, causes growths like cancer...

One way to deal with anger is seek resolution to disappate it. Anger, in and of itself is a "flight or fight" response... Strong-willed people fight... That's not always a good thing... It is viewed as weak if one takes flight... But, as humans, we can disarm our opponents... What that does is calm angry people down, it adds paradox, a defray... And guess what, we have to practice it like an physical exercise. Now, hindsight is always 20/20, but start with those is you do anger suppression. Then eventually, bring clarity to your feelings: i.e. "I am angry because __________________"

Like today, I am angry because a deadline is coming up and I feel it is unfulfilled. I am angry about it because I feel alienated by people I trust...

Follow that format. Avoid "You" statements. And the onus is on your feelings and your anger...

nikki1920 · #6 02-20-2008, 09:38 AM

(((PrettyInPink777)))

Just keep talking, ladies. We ARENT alone and we DO need to talk about this stuff, to each other and to professionals.

mulattogyrl · #7 02-20-2008, 10:26 AM

This is a wonderful thread. ((((((((((((ladies in thread))))))))))))). Will post later. lol

nikki1920 · #8 02-21-2008, 09:13 AM

Teena, girl, we are here for you. Share when you are ready. Sometimes you gotta go through it again to get past it, otherwise it keeps popping up to trip you up. When you deal with it, you know how to get around it.

((teena))

lil_sunshine · #9 02-21-2008, 10:29 AM

First and foremost: (((((teena)))))

Second, teena, I understand that it may be difficult to share your past experience, b/c it surely was difficult for me. I remember back in college I wrote a story for my English about my situation in third person omniscient and ended it by saying that it was me. My professor told me that the first step to finding a solution to some problems is to discuss it, which I did in my story, and to completely separate myself from the toxic people who treat me like glass b/c they're jealous of my diamond potential. JMHO....

teena · #10 02-21-2008, 10:56 AM

Thanks all. I mean it. Im fine. Really. I just find myself really really really really angry sometimes. Really angry. I dont *think* I am depressed. I do know that the past effects me even now. I remember when I was in the military the duty sergent would do bed check. I would wake up screaming whenever they would come in my room. It got to the point, they wouldnt come our room they would only crack the door. Or I would have to stay up until they did bed check. I still have issues about being surprised when sleeping or from behind. I have no idea, where that came from, though.

I've talked to my close friends about things. Never any one friend though. No one person knows everything. I can relate to someone's statement about a mask. But I think we all have to have a mask anyway, just to deal.

nikki1920 · #11 02-21-2008, 11:09 AM

Teena, get thee to some counseling. Like I said before, if you don't get to the root, the thing just keeps growing. Find someone who specializes in PTSD and go from there.

PrettyInPink777 · #12 02-22-2008, 12:49 AM

Soror Ideal08 -- I have no words; can't respond now. You don't even know .... or come to think of it, you so do. I'll be back.

nikki1920 · #13 02-22-2008, 12:50 PM

((((((everyone))))))

I don't know if there is a source out there for AA women and/or women of color who have these issues (we can't forget our other brown sisters in this struggle). I'm down to work with something like that. I have GOT to get back to school.

I too see myself in bits and pieces of what others are saying. You put words to what I have been trying to explain to people recently about why I dropped out of sight for the last year.

Ideal, check your pm in a min.
Mulattogyrl, check yours in a min, too.

nikki1920 · #14 02-22-2008, 04:27 PM

You know, I would LOVE to use whatever venue we come up with as a research topic.

I need ya'll to help get me motivated to get my butt in gear and get back to school. I've found a program that matches what I want to do, but that first step is always the hardest.

teena · #15 02-22-2008, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki1920

You know, I would LOVE to use whatever venue we come up with as a research topic.

I need ya'll to help get me motivated to get my butt in gear and get back to school. I've found a program that matches what I want to do, but that first step is always the hardest.

Please do it. I am in school now and it is very rewarding. Start with a small step....like take the GRE (or whatever). Continue to move in small steps. You will gain momentum. Then before you know it, you will be on GC farting around because you dont want to do any studying.

Its possible. If I am doing it, its possible.