Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community

[teena]

Originally Posted by Ideal08

I suffer from Clinical Depression, too. I have since the mid-1990's. I was recently diagnosed with Agoraphobia (w/o panic attacks; I've only had one). Afterwards, I realized that what I thought was "normal" wasn't. I didn't know everyone didn't get nervous for no reason. I didn't know everyone didn't have an escape plan no matter where they were. I still think this should be removed from the list of symptoms as to me it's necessary to know how to get out of somewhere should something happen; it's a safety issue. Just like not going into places that only have one entrance/exit. To me that's a safety issue and if something happens (fire, gunshot, etc) getting out would be *sigh* I get nervous just thinking about it. So some stuff I never mentioned to anyone cuz I thought it was as normal as getting chill bumps.
I am not always homebound, but I do isolate often. I have lost friends due to this because people don't understand that some things are beyond my control. Which is annoying in itself because I'm a control-freak.

We definitely don't talk about everything. I can't say that I'm willing to make myself completely vulnerable in that way because of my relationships that have been damaged in the past. So sometimes I just pretend that none of that mental health stuff exists, pray that the Almighty gives me strength and courage, I put on my mask, and I KIM. When I'm unable to even wear the mask (read: I'm not up to it cuz it's exhausting playing the "I'm Ok" game), I isolate. I think it totally scares my manfriend, so when he thinks I'm isolating, he will make sure to take me out somewhere. I'll go out with him because I feel "safe" with him.

It's hard because a lot of people who think they know me, really only know the mask. So when they learn of my "issues," they don't believe it (cuz I'd really make it up ) because they've been fooled by my performances over the years. And I am a MASTER at the mask. Which is also on the list of descriptions of agoraphobics. I read books on the subject and it made me feel better to hear other people's experiences and healing. It's nice to know you're not alone in dealing with stuff. And it helps to finally understand the why behind your actions.

It's SO nice to be able to talk to someone who understands, though. I "talk" to a soror who totally understands and I am SO glad to have "met" her. Sorors truly are priceless. Because my blood sisters know about the depression, but they only know the surface. They worry too much to know the whole story.

I'm going to change the name of this thread...

I dont know if this information is useful or relevant to you but it may help someone. About 3 years ago i was dianose with depression. I would cry for no reason and couldnt stop. My doctor prescribed paxcil. I was on it for about 6 months total. And when I saw no difference, she increased the dosage. Still no change, increased the dosage. Still no change so she referred me to some other doctor who prescribed different medicine in addition to the one she was giving me. What wound up happening was where I would have crying spells and had difficulty getting out of bed that grew to full blown anxiety attacks until i passed out along with general anxiety. One of the side effects of the medicine was increased anxiety. the side effect of the medicine was much much much worse than my initial problem.

I implore people to do research and trust their 'first mind' persuing medical remedies.


This thread has been quite painful to read but i am determined to finish it. Still not ready...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by teena

I dont know if this information is useful or relevant to you but it may help someone. About 3 years ago i was dianose with depression. I would cry for no reason and couldnt stop. My doctor prescribed paxcil. I was on it for about 6 months total. And when I saw no difference, she increased the dosage. Still no change, increased the dosage. Still no change so she referred me to some other doctor who prescribed different medicine in addition to the one she was giving me. What wound up happening was where I would have crying spells and had difficulty getting out of bed that grew to full blown anxiety attacks until i passed out along with general anxiety. One of the side effects of the medicine was increased anxiety. the side effect of the medicine was much much much worse than my initial problem.

I implore people to do research and trust their 'first mind' persuing medical remedies.


This thread has been quite painful to read but i am determined to finish it. Still not ready...

Lemme help you a bit: When did you have crying spells? Did it follow your menstrural cycle? What about the periods you did not have spells? How was your moods then?

Draw out your issues for a month (meanwhile see your people) so that your healthcare providers can "track" it. The reason why that works is frequency and fluctuation. When you are in crisis, they stabilize the problem, then send you on your way to go figure... I KNOW--BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!

To have optimal care, you need to either fire your therapist and get one you can work with. In fact you need to interview them to see what their qualifications are and how to help you... I know my current therapist's education, clinical experiences and I pretty much asked her directly what my current issues are. For the times I have seen her, she has already assisted me tremendously... The one before her, I fired... And my insurance is a co-op HMO...

[teena]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Lemme help you a bit: When did you have crying spells? Did it follow your menstrural cycle? What about the periods you did not have spells? How was your moods then?

Draw out your issues for a month (meanwhile see your people) so that your healthcare providers can "track" it. The reason why that works is frequency and fluctuation. When you are in crisis, they stabilize the problem, then send you on your way to go figure... I KNOW--BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!

To have optimal care, you need to either fire your therapist and get one you can work with. In fact you need to interview them to see what their qualifications are and how to help you... I know my current therapist's education, clinical experiences and I pretty much asked her directly what my current issues are. For the times I have seen her, she has already assisted me tremendously... The one before her, I fired... And my insurance is a co-op HMO...

See....that was what i thought, that it was cyclical. A certain time before my cycle I would be a pure fool. It explained why the meds didnt work. But they did those tests and came back negative. Also once i started to tell doctors the types of abuse i'd survived they deduced i was depressed. I may have been. I still may be. I dont know. I just deal with it now. I guess.

[teena]

This is hard

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by teena

This is hard

First (((((((((((((((((teena))))))))))))))))))

Second: I am worried about you... But that's me. So PM me when you get a chance.

Third: I forgot I should give you websites:

Hayhouse. A healing site for folks who have suffered tremendously. Louise Hay has been to Hayle and back and says she has. She has just published a book with all her "new friends". I read a story about a dyslexic boy (now a man) and what he endured in school: Dr. Demartini. I think this book is a good start, too.

And if you can only read one sentence, do so and try every day until you get to a paragraph.

Lastly, I do have to give my LS props, she does this kind of thing also: Dr. Cherry Collier

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by teena

This thread has been very moving and painful.

I definately believe that AA's need to get therapy to help us deal with our issues. But I have a question. I realize that it could be me....but has anyone ever been in therapy and it not help but make you more deperessed? Thats what happened to me. I had tried two other therapists and one needed her own therapist and the other struck me as untrustworthy. I dumped them both after the first session. The last one seems really nice and I thought i was doing really well with her. But then, 3 months later, I felt more depressed than I was before i started seeing her because we were bring up old issues that i was trying to put behind me. And we weren't coming to any real resolution. I dropped her too.
Again....it could be me

Yes... Since I moved to my current location. It made me not want to work with them. Then I got a therapist who I started having to tell them my agenda of what I wanted to work on for an hour...

This is just my suggestion and not my professional opinion: You need to read more about your conditions and "group" may be a viable option for you. A nice 12 step program or there is another one. 1-on-1 might not work well for you because you might have some inhibitions about sharing your issues with close quarters...

The other issue is "mindfulness seminars" or meditation practice. More HMO's are "dallying" with giving these courses--they do cost, but might be worth it for you.

I would start with Dr. David Burns' books. There are good Christian books, like "Purpose Filled Life" and Dr. Gary Chapman. If you don't like those, I would then try Hayhouse books - that woman, Louise Hay--WOW!!!

Originally Posted by teena

See....that was what i thought, that it was cyclical. A certain time before my cycle I would be a pure fool. It explained why the meds didnt work. But they did those tests and came back negative. Also once i started to tell doctors the types of abuse i'd survived they deduced i was depressed. I may have been. I still may be. I dont know. I just deal with it now. I guess.

Do you have it written down somewhere that a trained psychiatrist can easily review to assist you... Make them make copies of your complaints and your monthly tracker and ask them how are they going to address this for you. They pretty much give you compliance to your wishes...

Just because you are an abuse survivor does not necessarily say you have depression... There are roughly 10 symptoms and 6 of them must be fulfilled. It is generally the case for abuse survivors, which makes the group options probably very good for you, now. But, only you and your healthcare providers can assist you through this problem...

I would "visit" as many groups as I was willing to do so and find one that makes you feel comfortable. You are not required to say anything other than your name (which you can make up) and "I am just here learning about XYZ".

But the way to combat those "negative voices" or "bad tapes" is through talk therapy. Not sure why it works, but it does...

The last thing I suggest when you feel up to it, take a yoga class... You must find your center and balance...

[darling1]

look into post traumatic stress disorder. for years, i used to have nightmares related to the abuse i suffered. it wasnt until the second mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that ptsd was considered. it made sense and changed my entire outlook and approach to my recovery.

Originally Posted by teena

See....that was what i thought, that it was cyclical. A certain time before my cycle I would be a pure fool. It explained why the meds didnt work. But they did those tests and came back negative. Also once i started to tell doctors the types of abuse i'd survived they deduced i was depressed. I may have been. I still may be. I dont know. I just deal with it now. I guess.

[teena]

Originally Posted by darling1

look into post traumatic stress disorder. for years, i used to have nightmares related to the abuse i suffered. it wasnt until the second mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that ptsd was considered. it made sense and changed my entire outlook and approach to my recovery.

I swear, I am not kidding. About two weeks ago, I told someone that i think that I suffer PTSD. For real. I was acting wiggy about something, crying and carrying on, about somethign I shouldnt have been that upset about.

Ok. Here is the the question, what if you start digging and trying to get to the root of your issue, and you wind up worse off than you were initially. Thats my fear.

[darling1]

there are going to be times when you are not going to see the light. this is always hard for me. for a few years, if i was able to get to therapy, that was a feat. the work is hard, which is why the support system is so key. you can't be fearful. i know this is easier said than done. but think about your future. for me, at the critical times, my goal was to be able to deal with my stuff and get through school. or it was to keep going to therapy so i would have a healthy relationship with my then boy-friend, now husband.

think about some motivators that may encourage you to dig deeper. (((teena)))

Originally Posted by teena

I swear, I am not kidding. About two weeks ago, I told someone that i think that I suffer PTSD. For real. I was acting wiggy about something, crying and carrying on, about somethign I shouldnt have been that upset about.

Ok. Here is the the question, what if you start digging and trying to get to the root of your issue, and you wind up worse off than you were initially. Thats my fear.

[Ideal08]

Originally Posted by teena

Ok. Here is the the question, what if you start digging and trying to get to the root of your issue, and you wind up worse off than you were initially. Thats my fear.

I have gotten mad at many a therapist for trying to get me to talk about something I did NOT want to discuss. I'm an avoider, so if I didn't bring it up, I'd think to myself WTH are you to bring it up? But I realized that if I truly knew what worked and what was best for me, I wouldn't be lying on their couch. I had to trust the process. If it got TOO painful, I'd be honest and say, "I can't do this right now." But I knew I had to at least try cuz I could not keep living (or dying, really) like I was.

I am here to tell you, whether you dig it up or not, IT WILL COME OUT. A year or so ago I had a memory of abuse come to me that I had completely forgotten (it happened when I was 10 and I was 32 when I remembered). This ripped my life apart. APART. The memory was so vivid, too. I didn't believe anything like that could happen, so to have it happen to me was disturbing, to say the least. I was PISSED that it had been hidden in my subconscious for so long and had the nerve to come out. Honestly, WTF? Weren't we doing fine without it? And what was I supposed to do with that mess? The memory came out while I was at a volunteer training for the Rape Crisis and Abuse Center. In the middle of the training session I had to go to the restroom and try to get myself together. I'm glad I was at this training, because I ended up joining one of their support groups and that helped me BEYOND BELIEF!!! My therapist had me write down EVERYTHING and doing that made me remember some MORE stuff I had forgotten. Not only did she tell me to write it down, she told me to READ it to 5 people. I flat out told her she was the one that needed to be on the couch if she thought I was about to tell anybody ANY of that mess. But she told me that I had to share it in order to gain back control. Since I felt so OUT of control, I did the friggin' exercise, but I was pissed the entire time. I read it to my manfriend, my two best friends, and my support group (NOT my family, I still haven't told them, and it wasn't even a family member that abused me). OMGoodness, when I got done I felt SO relieved. I was able to talk about the abuse with others and not feel ashamed about it. And in hindsight, I realized that's when my weight began to drop; the pounds melted off. My physical health improved with my mental health.

But this took TIME. What I truly wanted to do was try to forget again cuz I wanted to hurry up and feel better NOW. That didn't work, obviously. But what I learned was that there are SO many people who have experienced the exact same thing, and not just women. And I also learned that it was possible I had been wrong about my depression/anxiety for years. I thought it was because of the death of my parents in 1993 (which my therapist says I still haven't grieved, but I'm not ready for that, either), but maybe it was due to this hidden memory. I learned as I learned every day that The Almighty is perfect in every way and that it was not meant for me to carry that memory; it came out exactly when it was supposed to.

So don't be afraid of things getting worse. Like any wound, it gets worse and itchy before it actually heals. All storms have to get horrible before they pass. This is no different. We're all apart of the same universe and it shows.

Remember: there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Courage is doing it scared. So if you're scared, DO IT SCARED!!!

(((((teena)))))

[teena]

Originally Posted by Ideal08

I have gotten mad at many a therapist for trying to get me to talk about something I did NOT want to discuss. I'm an avoider, so if I didn't bring it up, I'd think to myself WTH are you to bring it up? But I realized that if I truly knew what worked and what was best for me, I wouldn't be lying on their couch. I had to trust the process. If it got TOO painful, I'd be honest and say, "I can't do this right now." But I knew I had to at least try cuz I could not keep living (or dying, really) like I was.

I am here to tell you, whether you dig it up or not, IT WILL COME OUT. A year or so ago I had a memory of abuse come to me that I had completely forgotten (it happened when I was 10 and I was 31 when I remembered). This ripped my life apart. APART. The memory was so vivid, too. I didn't believe anything like that could happen, so to have it happen to me was disturbing, to say the least. I was PISSED that it had been hidden in my subconscious for so long and had the nerve to come out. Honestly, WTF? Weren't we doing fine without it? And what was I supposed to do with that mess? The memory came out while I was at a volunteer training for the Rape Crisis and Abuse Center. In the middle of the training session I had to go to the restroom and try to get myself together. I'm glad I was at this training, because I ended up joining one of their support groups and that helped me BEYOND BELIEF!!! My therapist had me write down EVERYTHING and doing that made me remember some MORE stuff I had forgotten. Not only did she tell me to write it down, she told me to READ it to 5 people. I flat out told her she was the one that needed to be on the couch if she thought I was about to tell anybody ANY of that mess. But she told me that I had to share it in order to gain back control. Since I felt so OUT of control, I did the friggin' exercise, but I was pissed the entire time. I read it to my manfriend, my two best friends, and my support group (NOT my family, I still haven't told them, and it wasn't even a family member that abused me). OMGoodness, when I got done I felt SO relieved. I was able to talk about the abuse with others and not feel ashamed about it. And in hindsight, I realized that's when my weight began to drop; the pounds melted off. My physical health improved with my mental health.

But this took TIME. What I truly wanted to do was try to forget again cuz I wanted to hurry up and feel better NOW. That didn't work, obviously. But what I learned was that there are SO many people who have experienced the exact same thing, and not just women. And I also learned that it was possible I had been wrong about my depression/anxiety for years. I thought it was because of the death of my parents in 1993 (which my therapist says I still haven't grieved, but I'm not ready for that, either), but maybe it was due to this hidden memory. I learned as I learned every day that The Almighty is perfect in every way and that it was not meant for me to carry that memory; it came out exactly when it was supposed to.

So don't be afraid of things getting worse. Like any wound, it gets worse and itchy before it actually heals. All storms have to get horrible before they pass. This is no different. We're all apart of the same universe and it shows.

Remember: there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Courage is doing it scared. So if you're scared, DO IT SCARED!!!

(((((teena)))))

Thank you. For sharing this. I give you and everyone else HUGE props for sharing such a personal piece of yourselves. I am typing a response but I KNOW others are empowered by this who maybe silent readers.


The thought of such a huge endeavor makes me itch. And I am not quite sure Im even ready yet. But I am encouraged just the same.

May God bless, strengthen, heal and encourage all who have posted or are reading here.

*deep sigh*

[teena]

This thread has been very moving and painful.

I definately believe that AA's need to get therapy to help us deal with our issues. But I have a question. I realize that it could be me....but has anyone ever been in therapy and it not help but make you more deperessed? Thats what happened to me. I had tried two other therapists and one needed her own therapist and the other struck me as untrustworthy. I dumped them both after the first session. The last one seems really nice and I thought i was doing really well with her. But then, 3 months later, I felt more depressed than I was before i started seeing her because we were bring up old issues that i was trying to put behind me. And we weren't coming to any real resolution. I dropped her too.
Again....it could be me

[darling1]

trust your gut. looking at your first post, i think i had the same issue with paxil. i was lucky because my therapist at the time was a physician. very smart and ver concerned about my health and welfare.

therapy should be a place of trust and safety. if you dont feel that way, then its time to start looking at other options.

it is not you.

Originally Posted by teena

This thread has been very moving and painful.

I definately believe that AA's need to get therapy to help us deal with our issues. But I have a question. I realize that it could be me....but has anyone ever been in therapy and it not help but make you more deperessed? Thats what happened to me. I had tried two other therapists and one needed her own therapist and the other struck me as untrustworthy. I dumped them both after the first session. The last one seems really nice and I thought i was doing really well with her. But then, 3 months later, I felt more depressed than I was before i started seeing her because we were bring up old issues that i was trying to put behind me. And we weren't coming to any real resolution. I dropped her too.
Again....it could be me