Life's short, get a divorce - Page 5

AKA_Monet · #61 05-10-2007, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

lol

Whoa! I was going to bed. What happened?

It's time for BED for you!!! The freaks come out a night!!!

cheerfulgreek · #62 05-10-2007, 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

It's time for BED for you!!! The freaks come out a night!!!

Cell phones are awesome! I'll have to call him and find out.

lol

Good night everyone!

James · #63 05-10-2007, 02:36 AM

Its not? Then why do we decide to get married based on a romantic attachment?

If we do get married for that reason but can't sustain the romance, then we should leave right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Yeah, I mean its about roses, breakfast in bed, a large house with a white picket fence, and doing EVERYTHING together!!!

scbelle · #64 05-10-2007, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Oh my God - are you serious?

It's not that the counseling was better - the sanctions were worse! (both applied by society and family, not to mention the law)

Divorce should probably be even more common than it is right now - people shouldn't stay in unhappy marriages. In the past, they did. It's not rocket science.

ETA: EE-BO's point on choice is spot-on

absolutely correct... the ramifications of divorce back when were much worse than they are today (religious, societal, familial, legal). Plus, if a couple were to divorce and had children, then a whole host of issues comes up-- who will care for them? Obviously, the mother would have the time, but the father was the one who made the money. In these cases, it just made more sense for a couple to stay together for the children. Today, both parents work (in a lot of cases), so monetary support and time are really moot points. In addition, the advent of the "no-fault" divorce hiked up the numbers because people could get out of marriages without a "fault" or reason.

GeekyPenguin · #65 05-10-2007, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Sorry. I had to log off for a second. I was cooking something and I forgot it was in the oven. It's burned.

Oh well.

Back on topic.

The divorce rate in higher in the United States than any other country. I think other beliefs and cultures just believe in working things out. Americans don't.

Or a lot of other countries don't have no-fault divorce and we do and a lot of other countries don't frown on cohabitation prior to marriage and we do.

KSig RC · #66 05-10-2007, 12:30 PM

What is so positive about "just working things out?"

What if things CAN'T be "worked out"?

The irony here is that it's a very American viewpoint that therapy can solve all issues - that's not at all true. All the counseling in the world can't save a bad marriage - and people change over time. The desire to be married by a certain (usually young) age carries the risk of change, the risk of divorce - and bending over backwards to make it work, while certainly a romantic ideal, seems counterproductive, tedious, and borderline insane to me.

You can't foresee all the problems in a marriage, and you can't just up and decide to "make" something work. To think otherwise is at best arrogant.

OneTimeSBX · #67 05-10-2007, 12:59 PM

i saw a comedian joke about how it is cheap and quick to get married, and costs thousands to divorce. he claimed the divorce rate would be much lower if it were the other way around...

sounds funny, but doesnt that make sense? people would refuse to grant divorces to their significant other, saying "there is no way im divorcing you, do you know what i went thru to marry you??"

i dont believe in just waking up and saying, to hell with you, im leaving. i believe that it was created to end truly bad situations, i.e. abuse, etc. you dont always know what you are getting in a marriage, and its a shame people have just decided that spouses are like underwear: cheap and dispensable...

James · #68 05-10-2007, 01:03 PM

I used to say (yesterday): Marriage is like a committed relationship with a massive financial penalty clause if it doesn't work out.

Marriage is an ageement to stay with someone when you don't want to be with them anymore. (Not many people leave those they want to be with)

My chiropractor: "If you knew that 60% of all planes crashed, would you fly? Consider marriage . . . "

Drolefille · #69 05-10-2007, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susan314

You hit the nail on the head here!

I do think that it can be a good thing that some of the societal stigma of divorce is gone. (For example, 50 years ago, a person may have stayed with a chronically unfaithful or abusive partner just to avoid the stigma of divorce. The stigma being gone gives that person more options.)

That said, I think that we (as a society) have went a little too far to the opposite extreme. There are people who think that "good" marriages don't have rocky patches, that "good" couples never fight or disagree, etc. So, some of those people give up at the first sign of a problem. When the "giving up" occurs, they might not necessarily run to the divorce lawyer, but they may start withdrawing emotionally from the marriage...once one partner starts to "give up" mentally, its hard to reverse that deterioration.

All couples disagree occasionally. All marriages occasionally go through rough patches. While a person shouldn't be subject to chronic and vicious arguing, its certainly not realistic to think that a person will never argue with their spouse either. I always chuckle when a relative newlywed expresses concern because they "just had their first fight" - honey, it was bound to happen eventually. Arguing isn't the problem - its how the couple argues that is a problem. (Does it get violent? Do they hold grudges? Do they fight fair? etc.)

How many ways can one say "Word" to this post?
As a future (I hope!) Marriage and Family Therapist, I can say that you are spot on. How you argue, how you resolve problems, your expectations ahead of time, these are BIG factors in the happiness of your marriage. Also, how's your support system? Do you go to church (any church/temple/etc.), is your family a positive support system, etc. The rockiest marriage can get better if the support system is good, and the couple is willing to work on it.

AKA_Monet · #70 05-10-2007, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James

Its not? Then why do we decide to get married based on a romantic attachment?

If we do get married for that reason but can't sustain the romance, then we should leave right?

So what are you calling "romantic"? The Kissy-Kissy, mushy-mushy stuff?

Or a deep soul-connection the gurus talk about all the time at Belief.net?

I think it is about mutual respect for someone deeper than that one has ever felt before.

If I left my husband for whatever reason, it would be a lame reason no matter what I thought was the "touchy-feely reason on the day" like this chit is ala carte with Carte Blanche. I would be physically ill and unable to control simultaneous vomiting along with bowel movements. That is how sick I would be...

If my husband left me, that bimbo had better have a "magic Disney World Universal Studios All Access Florida Amusement Parks coochie"... She'd better have Sith Lord Manipulations up her stuh...

'Cuz what I am giving him...

He'd be stoopid to leave... Some of my "former business partners" would be pissed...

Rudey · #71 05-10-2007, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

She'd better have Sith Lord Manipulations up her stuh...

Monet...

-Rudey
--I don't even know what to say.

ISUKappa · #72 05-10-2007, 05:06 PM

Personally, I do think counseling (both pre-marriage and, if necessary, marital) *can* help couples take their relationship to a different place, be it learning how to reconnect with each other or decide there is simply no love left and it is time to part ways.

I agree with Monet and Susan: marriage is work and it's not all romance, all the time. I think younger couples especially have skewed ideas of what a marriage is like and when they're hit with the reality of it, they're unsure they made the right decision.

The husband and I will celebrate our 4th anniversary in Sept. Do I love him? Yes. Do I *like* some of the things he does? Hell no. Sometimes he's a complete idiot and I let him know in not-so-nice ways. We get on each other's nerves. We are not the best communicators (and we know this). We argue. There are times I wish I would have waited a few years before getting married so I could have more experiences on my own. But we get through those moments. I married him, not only because of romantic attachment, but because we are compatable in so many other ways from our backgrounds to our religious beliefs to what we want in our future to our cracked-out sense of humors. Romantic attachment alone will not keep a marriage working, there also has to be mutual respect and compatability.

Educatingblue · #73 05-10-2007, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

I will be nearing 4 years of maritial bliss

And yes, my husband absolutely drives me nuts. But, I found that we are so close that if I lost him due to divorce, it will be like my entire insides would be ripped out.

My opinion is it also depends on the belief of the maritial family... My folks have been together for nearly 50 years. And I strongly believe it. Whereas, my brother who is divorced with a son doesn't share my beliefs.

I feel the same way. My parents have been married for almost 30 years and me and my husband who are Catholic did the premarital counseling (we were there for the entire year-long engagement) and are in it for the long haul.

As other posters have mentioned, a lot of people are set financially and think it is ok to run at the first sign of trouble. Marriage is tough and you will have problems...the big issue is being mature enough and have enough faith to know that no matter what you will make it through.

Drolefille · #74 05-10-2007, 06:51 PM

Pre-Cana, the Catholic church's premarital counseling (or at least what it's called around here) is such a great idea. One of my career goals to do that both as a volunteer for my parish and as a part of my secular practice.

cheerfulgreek · #75 05-10-2007, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSig RC

What is so positive about "just working things out?"

What if things CAN'T be "worked out"?

The irony here is that it's a very American viewpoint that therapy can solve all issues - that's not at all true. All the counseling in the world can't save a bad marriage - and people change over time. The desire to be married by a certain (usually young) age carries the risk of change, the risk of divorce - and bending over backwards to make it work, while certainly a romantic ideal, seems counterproductive, tedious, and borderline insane to me.

You can't foresee all the problems in a marriage, and you can't just up and decide to "make" something work. To think otherwise is at best arrogant.

How is that arrogant? Of course no one can forsee the problems in a marriage, but the problems can be fixed. Couples get frustrated and then they just want to give up. Why even get married, because there are going to be problems. For the people who just want to give up, should just stay single and keep meeting the same men and women at bars and night clubs for the rest of their lives and run the risk of catching AIDS.