Disappointed mom

[ΑΓΔSquirrel10]

Originally Posted by sail100

My daughter went through rush this fall. I didn't expect her to go through, and since she's a bit on the shy side I really didn't encourage it knowing how stressful and heartbreaking it can be. Background - we live in a very competitive region of the country and live in a small town, and she knew only a few girl going to this college who are in sororities. Although she's very cute, she's never been obsessed about style and makeup; probably because she is the only daughter in a family of several boys. I tried to do what I could to help her have a successful rush based on my past experinece - nice clothes and accessories, mani/pedi, conversational coaching, makeup, etc. but I knew it would be very tough. To say she was cut heavily would be an understatment. By round two she only got invited back to two parties (I won't say how many different sororities there are at her campus other than it's in the double digits). These two were the bottom of the barrel reputation wise. At this point I tried to get her to drop out, maybe make some friends during the semester and try for spring rush or again next fall. Yes, it would have limited her choices, but she could at least have had a chance for some others. She refused to drop out. Pref night she was down to one party and received a bid to the smallest house on campus. She accepted and is in her pledge period.

She seems ok with it, but I'm going to come right out and say it even though I may get a lot of angry comments. I'm embarassed for her. I really don't even want to tell my friends what she pledged because I can tell they are shocked. It is common knowledge in our state, among those knowledgeable of Greek life at this university, that this house is the absolute bottom. They rarely make quota and constantly have to COR as well as spring rush. I have seen their social calendar and it is really lacking. They have few activites, and they basically don't have any mixers. Greek life is big at her campus, and most sorority calendars are packed with many social activities.

I guess this is so upsetting because I know exactly how much fun being in a sorority can be. I was in a sorority(not this school) that was considered very solid. Every rush we got many of the girls we wanted, we had mixers with great fraternities, my fellow sisters were the campus movers and shakers. I was so proud to wear my letters. To this day it still means something in our state to say I'm an "XYZ". I'm afraid she'll eventually figure this all out and realize she made a huge mistake. I want to encourage her to drop out before initiation and a commitment is made. Time is running out. I would like some advice from any moms who have been in my shoes - feel free to PM me, as I understand this is a sensitive topic.

Guess what? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!! I really hope that you aren't Alpha Gam, because I would be ashamed to call you my sister. You need to shut up and stop thinking of yourself over your daughter! She is happy where she's at, and it was HER decision; not your own.

[love9life]

Well shes happy and thats all that matter. You should get a life and stop worrying what YOUR friends think. She likes where shes at and leave it at that your phsco crazed mom.

You really come on as one of those moms that tries to lvie there lives out of thiers D. so really just stop and be quiet!

[paulam]

...and the award goes to...Sail100! If your daughter had a choice to pref another mother, Joan Crawford or you, I would hope she would choose the other one as her first choice. At least Joan Crawford made no pretense of actually loving her daughter. The child was important only insofar as she advanced her mother's reputation, social standing and career. Your daughter's choices in life as an adult are not yours to make and if others judge you badly for the choices she makes, then it's their problem, not yours. How insecure you must be to have to depend on others' opinions to have a good opinion of yourself. Most of us outgrow that in high school.

I live in the south and yes, sororities are important but they are not the be all, end all. This sorority giving your daughter a chance to finally blossom out from under you is the best thing that could have happened to her. By the time she graduates, she will become a wonderful, lovely, active and confident young woman. Will you still feel ashamed of the choice she made?

Paula M
Sigma Delta Tau
Patre Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by paulam

...and the award goes to...Sail100! If your daughter had a choice to pref another mother, Joan Crawford or you, I would hope she would choose the other one as her first choice. At least Joan Crawford made no pretense of actually loving her daughter. The child was important only insofar as she advanced her mother's reputation, social standing and career. Your daughter's choices in life as an adult are not yours to make and if others judge you badly for the choices she makes, then it's their problem, not yours. How insecure you must be to have to depend on others' opinions to have a good opinion of yourself. Most of us outgrow that in high school.

I live in the south and yes, sororities are important but they are not the be all, end all. This sorority giving your daughter a chance to finally blossom out from under you is the best thing that could have happened to her. By the time she graduates, she will become a wonderful, lovely, active and confident young woman. Will you still feel ashamed of the choice she made?

Paula M
Sigma Delta Tau
Patre Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

Paula,

I knew there was a reason I was proud to call you my sister. This post just shows me some of it.

[KSUViolet06]

Ok. so this is apparently a common sentiment in the South.

At what point does a mom let go though? I mean, at what point does mom say "this is not my life, it's hers and she can do what she pleases?"

Do Southern moms whose kids don't join "top tier" chapters spend their whole lives dwelling on it and being embarrassed?

These are serious questions. I've only even lived in California and Ohio, so I'm reasonably clueless about this sort of mother/daughter dynamic when it comes to sorority life. I've heard of moms being upset when maybe daughter doesn't get into Harvard, but even they get over it--and I just don't see sorority life as important enough to dwell on like this.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

At what point does a mom let go though? I mean, at what point does mom say "this is not my life, it's hers and she can do what she pleases?"

It depends...ever heard of Momzillas? In some areas of the country, it's sororities. Others, it's sports like cheerleading, gymnastics, and figure-skating.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Do Southern moms whose kids don't join "top tier" chapters spend their whole lives dwelling on it and being embarrassed?

Some of them do, others don't. It depends on the specific town and how prominent they are within them.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

These are serious questions. I've only even lived in California and Ohio, so I'm reasonably clueless about this sort of mother/daughter dynamic when it comes to sorority life. I've heard of moms being upset when maybe daughter doesn't get into Harvard, but even they get over it--and I just don't see sorority life as important enough to dwell on like this.

But, and this is something I only understand because of where I grew up, for some mothers, THIS IS THEIR HARVARD. In some circles, what sorority you joined at Fillintheblank U. dictates what their friends are going to be like, who they marry, and what their lives will be like as adults. I'm not saying that this is right, but this mentality is very real.

I won't lie, there are organizations that I might recoil if my daughter were to join, but I'd try my hardest to get over it. It may be harder, however, depending on the organization.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Ok. so this is apparently a common sentiment in the South.

At what point does a mom let go though? I mean, at what point does mom say "this is not my life, it's hers and she can do what she pleases?"

Do Southern moms whose kids don't join "top tier" chapters spend their whole lives dwelling on it and being embarrassed?

These are serious questions. I've only even lived in California and Ohio, so I'm reasonably clueless about this sort of mother/daughter dynamic when it comes to sorority life. I've heard of moms being upset when maybe daughter doesn't get into Harvard, but even they get over it--and I just don't see sorority life as important enough to dwell on like this.

It is not a common sentiment in the south. In the south, the reputations of college chapters may play big in hometowns, but it's not normal or common for mothers to want daughters to drop chapters that the daughters are apparently happy in.

I think it's common or normal for mom's to feel disappointed when their daughters don't end up in the chapters that they want, but not to do what this mom is doing in terms of debating whether to encourage her daughter to drop before initiation.

It would be far more common for everyone to appreciate that mother and daughter might be disappointed, but to admire them more for supporting the chapter who actually wanted to offer membership to the girl.

Seriously, I've never seen a case in real life in which a mom remained ashamed of her daughter's chapter months after bid day.

[Bamamom13]

I do live in the south and know that people have this prevailing attitude. But, I, for one, just want my daughter to be happy. My daughter had a terrible rush her freshman year and withdrew. I was not embarrassed. I was very proud of the way she picked herself up, had a great freshman year and rerushed at a very competitive school and had a great rush the second go round. It was all her doing and that is as it should be. I agree that if the OP's daughter found this thread, she would be mortified, but, how many other girls could possibly think that this is their mom? By this mom putting her feelings in an open forum, many other daughters may get hurt feelings.

[NutBrnHair]

Seriously, I'm changing my signature right now. Certainly I can understand a PNM (and mother) wanting to be a member of a group which is perceived as "successful," but really...if your daughter is happy -- that is ALL that matters.

As a parent, if I thought my friends were looking down on my daughter's choice of sorority, I would be bold and firm in my statements of how happy she is and how great it all is.

[ellebud]

The OP is not a troll. I have an acquaintance who's daughter just finished rushing at a fairly noncompetitive western campus. The daughter decided to rush at the last minute so she didn't have any recs nor did she have the "right" clothes. (For Pref she wore a dress that her much older mother had picked out for a "good" occasion...it had a huge bow in the back and the girl isn't skinny.)

The pnm is now a pledge at a house (Yeah for her!). MY acquaintance was hysterical because her daughter was with "nerds". Equally, if not more upsetting for the mother was the fact that one of her daughter's ex best friends got into the "best" house. (The fact that in the dictionary under "nerd" is the mom's high school picture is beside the point.) I tried talking to the mom...but she is simply too upset.

The girl's reaction? "Mom, some of us may have pimples, some of us need to lose weight...but we're nice girls. And I am happy."

And, if anyone doubts the school/sorority story, pm me and if you really need to know, I'll tell you the school and the house.

[CougarGrad]

Originally Posted by ellebud

The girl's reaction? "Mom, some of us may have pimples, some of us need to lose weight...but we're nice girls. And I am happy."

Bravo for her! If she feels good where she is, that's what matters.

[violetpretty]

I understand that there is intense pressure in the South to be in the "right" group, but I can't Sure, the OP could very well be a troll (she's even received PMs from people who agree with her!), but even if she is, there probably are mothers and daughters who have been in the same situation.

Actually, I take that "probably" back. I have heard of a specific situation like this. Daughter goes through recruitment, only has one chapter at pref (bottom, struggling chapter), and ranks it because she likes it. Daughter gets a bid. Mother goes nuts, gets angry at the members of the chapter and Panhellenic for "tricking" her daughter into joining such an inferior group. In fact, the mother gets so angry that she threatens to stop paying for her daughter's tuition if she does not depledge the group. So, the daughter does depledge and joins a "top" group the following year via in-house legacy status. Apparently she dove right in during her new member period and became very active, but I wonder if she actually fit in there.

Ignoring the un-panhellenic-ness or even the sorority context of the situation, the most disgusting aspect of the OP's post is that she can't be happy when her daughter is happy. That she would ask her daughter to give up her happiness to appease her mother who is dependent on others for self-gratification. The OP basically has said that she thinks that the others in her life are more important than her daughter. It's a totally different situation than a mom being upset alongside her daughter because she did not get the chapter she wanted.

Mom, I have news for you. Membership in any NPC sorority provides opportunities for personal growth and great memories, no matter the tier or the social climate. Membership is what you make of it.

[agzg]

What may be "bottom tier" on your daughter's campus or in your state may be "top tier" at other campuses.

Seriously. You're forgetting the OTHER 3/4 of the country. And Canada. And don't forget those off the mainland, like Hawaii. Come on. What if your daughter's organization is top tier in Hawaii? That's awesome because it gives her a reason to visit.

[Elephant Walk]

Originally Posted by alphagamzetagam

What may be "bottom tier" on your daughter's campus or in your state may be "top tier" at other campuses.

Seriously. You're forgetting the OTHER 3/4 of the country. And Canada. And don't forget those off the mainland, like Hawaii. Come on. What if your daughter's organization is top tier in Hawaii? That's awesome because it gives her a reason to visit.

What does that matter whatsoever?

In her area, if you're an XYZ at XYZ State, then you are on the upper end of the social scale.

It doesnt matter a thing about XYZ at any other school.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Elephant Walk

What does that matter whatsoever?

In her area, if you're an XYZ at XYZ State, then you are on the upper end of the social scale.

It doesnt matter a thing about XYZ at any other school.

Do people in the South not leave their respective hometowns/states after college? I would think that they do. Wouldn't that change things if the place you move to doesn't consider XYZ to be 'top tier." Or is the social scale of your hometown the only one that matters? Yes, these are serious questions.