Thank You Notes

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by TSteven

May we go back to this for a moment.

I was under the impression - perhaps wrongly, which is why I am asking - that you were only "obligated" to give one present to the couple (bride). You could elect to do so at a shower, prior to the wedding (say via a bridal registry for example), present the gift at the service or at the reception, or perhaps right after the wedding.

Is the concept of giving multiply gifts based on attendance or by invitation?

For example, how does it work if you were invited to a shower and to the wedding, but you were unable to attend the wedding. Are you obligated to give two gifts? What if you were able to attend the wedding but unable to attend the shower. Still two gifts?

Frankly, it seems rather crass and greedy to expect two separate gifts for the same reason - matrimony.

That's the way I was raised/have always operated. If you get invited, you send or bring a gift. My mid-20s to early-30s was hella expensive!!

Oh, but then they get you with the baby years too -- gift for baby shower, gift when baby arrives... (at least for close friends, acquaintances get just one or the other).

[TSteven]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Typically I will ask the bride if it's okay for me to just bring both gifts to the wedding if I cannot attend the shower. I've never had anyone tell me not to.

Now if I can't attend the wedding, I will usually mail the wedding gift to the receiving address.

Originally Posted by nittanyalum

That's the way I was raised/have always operated. If you get invited, you send or bring a gift. My mid-20s to early-30s was hella expensive!!

Oh, but then they get you with the baby years too -- gift for baby shower, gift when baby arrives... (at least for close friends, acquaintances get just one or the other).

Wow. I never heard of giving more than one gift. Then again, I have only attended a few work related bridal showers (kind of mandatory). However; in college, a good friend from my hometown was getting married that summer and some of our mutual friends were unable to attend her wedding. So I hosted what I thought was simply a "Stock the Bar" party. I was later informed that I was actually hosting a co-ed bridal shower and as such, had to follow certain bridal shower protocol. Such as when the bride opens her gifts, I had to write down what she said. And this represented what she was supposed to say on her wedding night. I have never blushed so much in my life. Nor have I seem so many guys hit the "punch" more than at that party.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by WinniBug

I have a friend who's gotten married and had a baby....
We went to a "Stock the Bar" bridal shower, I got her a wedding gift, got her a baby shower gift, and another gift when the baby was born....and no written thank-you
:-(

I have a related question....if you're invited to a shower and the wedding, do you split your gifts between the two events, or do you give at the shower and be done with it?

Your friend should have sent you four thank-you notes: bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, baby gift.

If you're invited to a bridal shower and the wedding, that calls for two separate gifts (and two thank-you cards). Around here, the gifts are usually an item from the registry for the shower, and a check for the wedding.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by WinniBug

I have a related question....if you're invited to a shower and the wedding, do you split your gifts between the two events, or do you give at the shower and be done with it?

It's considered proper etiquette to get gifts for both. Where I'm from, it's typically a registry gift for both. Most couples are registered at more than one place, so we don't worry about having to get 2 gifts from the same place.

[APhi Sailorgirl]

With some friends it has come down to the "well at least they sent something as a thank-you." The worse thing for me was that not only did they get married in September and sent the thank you in December-it was one of those photo holiday cards with a wedding photo and printed next to it "Thanks for sharing our day with us."

GIVE ME A BREAK!

[AOII Angel]

My aunt has a very strict rule...no thank you note means no gift in the future. I heard her say that once when I was a child, and I was sure to make it stick! The last thing I want is for someone who took the time to send me a gift to think I'm ungrateful and rude!!

[deadbear80]

I know when I had my Bat Mitzvah, some folks (especially out-of-towners) sent presents in advance. When something came in the mail, she had me sit down and write one IMMEDIATELY that way a) I didn't forget and b) it gave me less to do later. When the actual Bat Mitvah party was over on Saturday she made me write 10 more, and other 10 more the next day before my kids' party. And every day after that it was 10 more until they were done. When I got home from school even before homework I had to write them so they got out as quick as possible.

15 years later, as soon as I get a gift...I write a thank you note. And like for graduations where I had multiple gifts, I subscribed to the 10 a day rule. It made life a lot easier. And no one has ever complained they haven't gotten a timely one or one that was more than just 'thanks for the gift'.

On the flip side, I get pretty offended when I don't get one for important things (weddings, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, graduations, etc.). Ask my nephew who got an earful the other night because he graduated a month ago (and had less than 10 thank you's to write) and not only did I give him a gift--I drove up to Michigan (from Chicago) for the graduation! That's pretty much the last time he'll get anything for a good long while (until he gets married and hopefully has the sense to marry a girl who write thank-you's). It doesn't take long, and people feel good about getting them.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by deadbear80

I know when I had my Bat Mitzvah, some folks (especially out-of-towners) sent presents in advance. When something came in the mail, she had me sit down and write one IMMEDIATELY that way a) I didn't forget and b) it gave me less to do later. When the actual Bat Mitvah party was over on Saturday she made me write 10 more, and other 10 more the next day before my kids' party. And every day after that it was 10 more until they were done. When I got home from school even before homework I had to write them so they got out as quick as possible.

15 years later, as soon as I get a gift...I write a thank you note. And like for graduations where I had multiple gifts, I subscribed to the 10 a day rule. It made life a lot easier. And no one has ever complained they haven't gotten a timely one or one that was more than just 'thanks for the gift'.

Your mother is a gem. She taught you correctly!

[Fleur de Lis]

Getting a lame thank you note is almost as bad as not getting one at all. A few years ago, my boss was pregnant and I spent more than I would have on a present. She dropped off the thank you on my desk, and is said something bland like "Thanks for the present. We are really looking forward to this new time in our lives." It's important to at least personalize it, people!

And as far as the "no thank you note, no more gifts" rule, I've started doing that. My sister in law is awful - not even a text message thank you and she leaves the present at her parents' house. Now she gets a card for birthdays, etc.

[WinniBug]

My mom's rule was "You don't get the gift until you send a thank you"

[honeychile]

Am I the only one who always got a package of Thank You notes in my Christmas stocking?

[catiebug]

No, I got them, too!

Originally Posted by honeychile

Am I the only one who always got a package of Thank You notes in my Christmas stocking?

[BabyPiNK_FL]

I have noticed that many weddings have a "hostess" or "host" whose responsiblity is to take care of gifts, anything the bride or groom needs pre/post wedding. Helps everyone find their seats at the receptions and deals with the guestbook. I definitely plan on having one. Also, many people accomodate gifts with a gift table. The biggest problems I have seen at these weddings are the guests dragging them around during cocktail hour before the reception venue opens.

I definitely plan on accepting gifts at the event. But I guess that is just tradition in this area? I've never heard of sending it ahead until now.