For the ladies.. "Why aren't you married?"

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally posted by lovelyivy84
Granted it might be for a $200.00 reception at the local Popeye's, but they would......

BWAAAHHHAAAAA

[starang21]

Originally posted by 1savvydiva
"Ay shorty whut yo name is?"

that doesn't work?

[lil_sunshine]

Originally posted by jojapeach
The first honest response is a milder version of Dave Chappelle doing Lil Jon: "What?"

Secondly, I have some things that I need to accomplish (especially the Masters degree) in my life, and being in a relationship may actually hinder that. If you choose to commit to someone in a relationship, you should recognize that a lot of time and effort is required in that commitment. Quite frankly, I'm not ready to give all of that time and effort to anyone. I'm 26, but I'm not in a hurry. My biological clock must have a silencer on it.

Lastly, I usually sum it up with, "I haven't found anyone worthy of my affection, devotion, and stepping in front of God to make the commitment." Most of them shadditup with an "Excuuuse me!" look, and I just .

This sounds just like me. The Lil' Jon imitation is fuuuuunnnnyyyy, the second point you made sounds a lot like me, being that I'm 26, I'm trying to obtain my JD degree, and I don't have the time nor the energy to devote to a relationship that would need consistent and frequent nurturing. And the last point you made is true and hilarious!!!!!!!

[FeeFee]

Originally posted by lovelyivy84
With at least one of the people who asked, I would be afraid that they WOULD, lol. Granted it might be for a $200.00 reception at the local Popeye's, but they would...

Folks crack me up...

LOL!!!

[the_riddler]

I have not accomplished what I've been wanting to accomplish before I get married. That's why I'm not married. Also, me and my beau have been talking about it, and we're not in any rush.

[RBL]

Just a question!!!

Many of the responses have been "Still working on a degree" or I haven't accomplished what I need to " before marriage. So do you ladies honestly beleive that you can't be married unless you are accomplished? Does anybody beleive that in a marriage you should struggle together having that helpmate to get you though the good times and the bad? Sometimes I think we(men and women) justify not being married on the fact that we are still in school or God hasn't shown us the one(now this is important but many of us hang on to that as an excuse rather than that being the true reason), and I'm not together. No one person will ever be all together. No I'm not married but I will be one day. When I look at marriages that have lasted 30 or 40 years many of them werent complete(per se) as individuals but they in a way completed each other, that is what I hope to be blessed with one day. I understand that relationship dynamics have changed from what they were 30 years ago but the essence of it remains the same.

[jojapeach]

Don't forget that working towards that degree means focusing on academia, group meetings, etc. that goes towards that goal. With all of that time, concentration, and effort going towards that advanced degree, there isn't much time leftover to nurture a new relationship or keeping the flame exactly where it is in an established relationship. Ultimately, if your S.O. isn't very understanding, s/he will feel slighted, ignored, etc. Isn't that a common reason for a failing relationship? Wouldn't it be better to avoid all of that turmoil by waiting, especially if you already know you won't think twice about focusing your energy on your academic goals and ignoring everything else?

So, to answer your question, no, you don't have to be "accomplished" to be married, but I would rather be in a more stable, comfortable lifestyle. Plus, if I have dated my fair share of men and have determined that not one of them is "The One", it's not an excuse that I'm still happily single in my mid-20s; it's reality.

Maybe I'm an oddball of a sista that's knocking on 27, but marriage is not one of my lifetime goals. If I get married in the future, then it will be a complement to my full, happy existence. If I never get married, then I will look back on my decades and smile because I'll remember that MARRIAGE DOESN'T EQUAL COMPLETION. To sum it up, marriage is not the end-all to me because I'm just not the kind of woman who must have a man at all times. *insert Dave Chappelle doing Lil Jon: YEAAAAAAAH!*

[LB1914]

I was married for about 2 1/2 years and neither of us were really "established". I will tell you from first-hand experience that it is difficult to try to nurture a marriage in the midst of attending school or trying to find that "good" job/career. Our parents' generation was a little different, but we also have to keep in mind that in those days many people stopped at their BA or BS or may not have attended college at all. Therefore, even if they did get married at a younger age they were more than likely through with school and working at a job that they weren't planning on leaving anytime soon. People were also able to work at companies for years without fear of downsizing, outsourcing, or anything standing between them and retiring with that company. That is unheard of these days.

It is hard enough to sustain a marriage when you are merely working every day. Now, imagine trying to sustain a successful marriage when you are working 40 hours a week and in class several nights a week. Something is going to suffer. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases it is the relationship that suffers. With that being the case, it is more feasible for most people to complete their education before settling down.

We are also in a generation where we are more flexible and more opportunities. It is easier to take that job offer in another city or state or take that scholarship to a school in another city or state if you are not attached. It is not impossible if you are married, but it is a different set of circumstances when you are talking about uprooting your spouse and/or your children. All in all, there are different strokes for different folks and most people in this generation are choosing to get themselves together before they embark on something that is supposed to be permanent. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[1browngirl]

When people ask me this question, it upsets me. As if to say, because I'm not married and have no children, that my life is somehow incomplete. I answer the question with a polite "I'm waiting on the right man to find me" and leave it at that. When the right one comes along, we will both know it. So at this point, while I'm single, let me get myself "skrate" first, let me finish my degree, get settled in a more satisfying job, and then if it's meant to be, i'll get married.

[starang21]

i can feel the trying to get established. i had this girlfriend in college who was up in arms about having my baby before she turned 30, and she 2 years older than i was. she also wanted to have a couple of years to not have kids and be married (piss poor grammar probably). that would have meant that had i stayed with her, i'd be married right now. well, moving that fast wasn't for me. the career path was something that i was looking for.

[abaici]

Originally posted by starang21
that doesn't work?

Only in Atlanta!

This question bugs me! I'm annoyed because a guy (high school classmate who I haven't seen in 10 years) asked me this question about a month ago.

I gave him an indignant no to the marriage and kids questions. I then, asked if he was. He said no. Then I proceeded to yell at him. "Why the hell are you asking me then". I'm a little feisty at times.

Honestly, I've always wanted to get married. However, I love my independence. I'm not clingy. I like doing my own thing. In the 6 years that I've been on the open market (I was not EVEN considering marriage as a possibility until 21), I've only considered marrying one person. Heck, until a few months ago, I would have run away from the idea of marriage. I'm not ready.

Yeah, I'm in school and what not. But, that's not the reason why I'm not ready. Me, emotionally...not ready. I can be very selfish, moody, uncompromising, not good with relationship responsibilities (I'm constantly getting into it with guys about not calling enough),etc. I have things I need to work on. I am not opposed to growing with someone. But, I think you need to be in a certain place. I'm not there yet. I wanna be. I think the fact that I missed out on a good thing is forcing my behind on that road.

[aephi alum]

Why is it that people think it's ok to ask women those types of questions? As if a woman can't be complete/fulfilled/etc unless she has a ring on her finger and a couple of rugrats.

I am married, so I don't get that question, but I do get asked all the time when we're going to start having children. When I say "not anytime soon" they look at me like I'm nuts, but my husband and I have so much on our plate right now that we don't have time to have a child and give him/her the nurturing a child needs.

[Little32]

I was up at the park the other day, just sitting there enjoying the day, and this dude comes up to me and asks me if I am married. I say no. He said why not. I said why.

I am also one of those people who not certain that marriage is in her future. Not that I want to be alone when I am older, but I don't know aobut marriage. I believe in it in principle...I could be with someone for the rest of my life...but I don't know that most people understand the work that such a relationship takes. If I ever get married it will be for good, so I need a high degree of certainty about my potential spouse.

He went on to ask me if I had kids. Again, both of these questions imply that I am incomplete without one or the other.

[Little32]

Originally Posted by Little32

I am also one of those people who not certain that marriage is in her future. Not that I want to be alone when I am older, but I don't know aobut marriage. I believe in it in principle...I could be with someone for the rest of my life...but I don't know that most people understand the work that such a relationship takes. If I ever get married it will be for good, so I need a high degree of certainty about my potential spouse.

Roughly five years later, most of this still holds true; particularly the bolded. I think that I appreciate a little more each day the valuable partnership that marriage creates, what it enables a couple to build in their lives. I don't think that I had this appreciation five years ago. I guess, maybe, it might be better than just shacking up with someone for the rest of my days.

[rhoyaltempest]

I was single for a long time before that special person found me and I got married nearly 5 years ago. One thing I learned is that you don't have to wait for any man to ask you to marry them before you start doing you and living it up. Take care of you. Learn to love yourself and work on whatever it is you need to work on about yourself BEFORE getting into a serious relationship. If you have some serious issues that are holding you back from life (baggage), get into therapy and work them out while you're single; focus on you first and when everything is worked out or even while you're working things out, the right man for you will just show up. You won't even have to go looking. So buy that house, that car, save your pennies (as the current economy is showing us), take trips, spend time with friends and family, and just do you to the fullest! When you get married, there is so much more on your plate (whether you have kids or not) so you need to focus on yourself right now because you may not have the time you need to focus much on yourself after marriage and possibly children.

So if a man asks you why you aren't married (and I used to get this all the time and was down right sick of it!), tell him you are doing you and that you have everything you're supposed to have at this time.

Oh and if you never get married or you don't want to get married, that's fine too. Having a man does NOT define who we are as women. A man can add to your life but he is NOT your life and you can have a life on your own, just maybe a different kind of life than that of married women. Most days I love being married and other days I would just love to be doing me...all day....every day!