Mother of Princeton men tells women they'd better get to marrying

[AOII Angel]

I've got a novel idea...just don't get married. It's not the end all be all of life. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband, and we have an amazing relationship...BUT marriage is hard enough without settling for the random dude that is "good enough." So many marriages already fail with the best of intentions without walking in with lowered expectations.

[ADPiEE]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

In fact, I ended up in education because I wanted my girls to have a private school education, and the only way I could do it was teaching at the school I wanted them to attend.

That makes two of us!

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I've got a novel idea...just don't get married. It's not the end all be all of life. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband, and we have an amazing relationship...BUT marriage is hard enough without settling for the random dude that is "good enough." So many marriages already fail with the best of intentions without walking in with lowered expectations.

I've now hit the age where my friends are divorcing in droves, and almost every one of them says they knew better than to marry their college boyfriend/girlfriend.

[AZTheta]

In the words of Katharine Hepburn: "If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."

and then, my personal favorite:

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

Have a good day. I'm cutting the cat quilt into four pieces and shipping it to four GCers who are Not Very Nice.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I've now hit the age where my friends are divorcing in droves, and almost every one of them says they knew better than to marry their college boyfriend/girlfriend.

I know if I ever had to start dating again, I would have a totally different List of Qualities than I did at 20 when I met my husband. But, I also know some of those come from the experience of being married, and may never have crossed my mind even if I had stayed single til 30. Of course, some of them would have, because I now know at least somewhat what I want my life to look like outside of Academia. Honestly, it's not that much different than life inside Academia, but that's more my husband's issue than mine, since he thought once I was out of college, I'd stop acting/theatre stuff and concentrate of a "real" job.

Point being that you should have a realistic view of your post-college life before getting married. It's often not what you think it will be.

[ElvisLover]

My measly two cents again...over half of the girls I knew who had to have a ring before spring are now divorced and some are on their second or third marriage. Right after they were married, they moved to new cities and only had each other and not all of the activities of college. It seemed to be more of a competition amongst the girls to get a ring and no one else. How silly. A lot of my friends daughters are now waiting until their late twenties to marry, after they've been out in the real world, which seems to make more sense.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

In the words of Katharine Hepburn: "If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."

and then, my personal favorite:

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

Have a good day. I'm cutting the cat quilt into four pieces and shipping it to four GCers who are Not Very Nice.

I've trying to get my husband to move into the cardboard box house I made for him right outside the front door. Now with 1/4th of a KAT quilt, I just my convince him to move.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by ElvisLover

My measly two cents again...over half of the girls I knew who had to have a ring before spring are now divorced and some are on their second or third marriage. Right after they were married, they moved to new cities and only had each other and not all of the activities of college. It seemed to be more of a competition amongst the girls to get a ring and no one else. How silly. A lot of my friends daughters are now waiting until their late twenties to marry, after they've been out in the real world, which seems to make more sense.

On the other hand, I waited until after the first year of law school to get hitched to my now wife who I had been seeing at that point for 5-6 years and we've been married 7 years since then and are just fine.

Different strokes/different folks... and a 1/2 success rate for marriage in this day and age doesn't sound too bad. In fact, as a divorce attorney, I am very happy with that statistic.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by ElvisLover

My measly two cents again...over half of the girls I knew who had to have a ring before spring are now divorced and some are on their second or third marriage.

If something happened to my husband, it would probably take a lot to get me to marry again, simply because the rate of success of second marriages and beyond is so dismal. I know you can't live your life by statistics, but they're statistics for a reason. Everyone thinks they're going to beat the odds, but they'd have to be severely in my favor to take that bet.

[ElvisLover]

Yes, it's not a bad statistic. I just wish some of my friends wouldn't have gotten married because they didn't know what else they were going to do, as they have since stated. I'm also blessed to have married a year out of college to a wonderful man who has put up with me for almost 28 years now. I think in our case it's because he is five years older than me and more mature than guys who had just graduated.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by 33girl

If your only intention is to "snap up" a man as if he were a cute dress at a sample sale, I suppose you could do it if you tried. If you really want an equal relationship, though, you should probably rethink looking at men in this manner.

P.S. Those "best men" who are "snapped up" early? Get back to them when they're 40+ and see how many of them are still with their snapper, or if they are, if they're happy.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I've now hit the age where my friends are divorcing in droves, and almost every one of them says they knew better than to marry their college boyfriend/girlfriend.

A big YES to all of this.

I also have friends who are getting divorced at an alarming rate. Many of them were in a mad dash to “snag” a man as soon as possible, which I believe causes people to put more weight on being married than on actually being happy. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it’s impossible to get married at that age and be happy. Even my aunt and uncle were highschool sweethearts and are still married to this day. I’m simply saying that (as I said before) truly loving someone isn’t something that you can plan.

My mom always joked that if I ever got engaged while in college she’d strangle me, as she believed it was way too young. But her serious advice to me was that regardless of whether or not I was with someone that I wanted to spend my life with, I should live alone, all by myself, with no boyfriend or roommates, for at least one year. That’s it. I remember her telling me about when she first got divorced, and the fact that she didn’t know how to balance her checkbook or mow the lawn. At 38 years old, she had to learn on her own. You can do all the book learning possible, but sometimes you need to actually LIVE and have your own experiences before you can live and spend your life with someone else. And that goes beyond being able to cut the grass.

It reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel’s mom wants to divorce her dad, and she mentions the fact that she went straight from her father’s house, to the sorority house, to her husband’s house. It’s my opinion that you should do a little bit of living (and growing up) on your own in between.

I think the big problem with a lot of people (specifically women) getting married young is that all they see is the big white dress, and their husband in a suit and tie, and all of their best friends in matching dresses. All the stuff that comes with that wedding.. ya know.. like MARRIAGE.. is an afterthought. You get married on Saturday, and then on Sunday, reality kicks in. There’s no more planning and picking out flowers.. you’re no longer the center of attention.. and the guy you married is your husband.. for life. That can be a hard pill to swallow for some. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen panic set in on Day 2, or shortly thereafter. And of course, there’s no going back at that point.

ETA: I think the problem with this article is that she’s providing a one-size-fits-all solution to a problem that she’s dealing with herself. “Well ladies, I didn’t marry a Princeton man, and I should have, so all of you would be wise to do the same!” THAT is what truly makes me want to yell at this woman. Besides, who knows if she would be happier if she had married a Princeton man? She may be even more miserable than she is now. Hindsight is 20/20, but no one can truly predict how their life would have ended up had they chosen a different path.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by Kevin

On the other hand, I waited until after the first year of law school to get hitched to my now wife who I had been seeing at that point for 5-6 years and we've been married 7 years since then and are just fine.

Different strokes/different folks... and a 1/2 success rate for marriage in this day and age doesn't sound too bad. In fact, as a divorce attorney, I am very happy with that statistic.

I think it's this: you can't really know who you are, as a real life, out-in-the-world adult until you are out in the world as an adult. The amount that people change in their mid-late twenties is substantial for most college grads. So, if you get married before that, you might get lucky, and change in ways that are compatible with how your partner is changing, and you can grow together and be terrifically happy.

But you might not get lucky, and you might find that your version of self-actualization doesn't fit with theirs, and you aren't happy together, and so on. And if that happens, of course you are going to look back and think "I never should have done that, I didn't know shit at 22".

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I think it's this: you can't really know who you are, as a real life, out-in-the-world adult until you are out in the world as an adult. The amount that people change in their mid-late twenties is substantial for most college grads. So, if you get married before that, you might get lucky, and change in ways that are compatible with how your partner is changing, and you can grow together and be terrifically happy.

So you change together and steer the relationship in a compatible direction. Relationships (long term ones anyway) take a lot of work and compromise, and if you disagree with that, I don't care how old you are, unless you marry someone who has zero ambition or goals for himself, then you're never going to find anyone to make you happy.

Yeah, you go through changes from 22-30 and trust me, after 30, you don't just suddenly arrive at a "this is me and always will be me" stage. You're always changing and the sooner you figure that out [and I mean you in the generic sense, not as in DBB], the sooner you'll be able to have a successful long term relationship.

But you might not get lucky, and you might find that your version of self-actualization doesn't fit with theirs, and you aren't happy together, and so on. And if that happens, of course you are going to look back and think "I never should have done that, I didn't know shit at 22".

Well hell, that's as likely to happen in the 22-30 bracket as afterwards. Most of my divorce clients don't file until at least after they've had kids, which you must admit is a pretty big change which mostly doesn't happen until someone is 30+, so are you from the camp which believes you should also wait until you have kids to get married? And if so, what exactly is it about marriage which would make it still relevant?

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by Kevin

So you change together and steer the relationship in a compatible direction. Relationships (long term ones anyway) take a lot of work and compromise, and if you disagree with that, I don't care how old you are, unless you marry someone who has zero ambition or goals for himself, then you're never going to find anyone to make you happy.

Yeah, you go through changes from 22-30 and trust me, after 30, you don't just suddenly arrive at a "this is me and always will be me" stage. You're always changing and the sooner you figure that out [and I mean you in the generic sense, not as in DBB], the sooner you'll be able to have a successful long term relationship.

I'm not disagreeing with any of this; I think that if you find someone and you are certain that you two can work through anything together, there is nothing at all wrong with getting married. Heck, even it it ultimately doesn't work out, there can be a huge amount of value in this, for both parties.

I just also think there is value for some people in living alone while you make the big giant transition into adulthood, and the social norm that treats marriage as some type of end goal does a disservice to people who need more time to figure things out.

To put a finer point on what I said upthread, I didn't mean that all my friends who married in their 20's are getting divorced, I'm saying that of the ones who are getting divorced, most have admitted to having a feeling that it wasn't what they wanted at the time, but did what was expected of them.

I'm happily unmarried, but it's definitely a "different strokes for different folks" kinda thing; I just don't think that this Princeton woman should be coming in and trying to scare women into following a script that may not be right for everyone.

[SWTXBelle]

FWIW, I snagged my Yale man at the age of 36.