Boyfriend Question (please help)

[IrishLake]

your entire post could have been written by me 10 years ago. CRAZY PSYCHO... when I did finally break up with him (after 2 years of borderline physical abuse and a lot of mental and emotional abuse), he barged his way into my house (I wasnt there, but one of my roomates was), went through all my crap, and DOUSED my bed with his cologne. Yeah, once my roomate realized what was going on, she called me. he was gone by the time i got there, but i called him and told him if he ever showed up at my house again, i would call the cops (he already had a bad rep with the town cops, even though he was a "jock stud" on campus).

getting out of that relationship was the best thing for me. you getting out of yours will be the best thing for you, too. it's not easy now, but it will get easier.

dont answer his phone calls, emails or texts. if you have to, call your cell provider and ask them to block his numbers. block his email address.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM IN PERSON. I think this is a really bad idea. even in a public place, because he obviously doesn't respect you at all. He doesnt deserve the chace to talk to you in private. You will never change him, he will never change for you, and you should NEVER have to change for him. Get out, and don't look back.

[Kevin]

If he's been violent with you and stalked you in the past, those aren't good signs. Look into the laws regarding restraining orders in your state. You'd likely qualify in mine. Nothing says "stay the eff away" like a restraining order served by a sheriff.

[Jen]

Out, out, OUT!

Good advice about not talking to him as well, even in public. He will read it as thinking you are hesitant, changing your mind, don't mean what you say, want to get back together and it's okay to be in touch with you etc.

I also agree with telling EVERYONE you know that he is no longer in your life and not to be informed about you at all. It may suck having to tell people why, but it's way better than a mutual friend or acquaintance giving him personal information on you because he's spun them a sob story about your breakup. Better you protect yourself and your safety by telling people the situation. Make sure everyone knows your fears and is aware he is no longer in your life.

[luvdrunk]

Originally Posted by Kevin

Nothing says "stay the eff away" like a restraining order served by a sheriff.

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

Originally Posted by Jen

Better you protect yourself and your safety by telling people the situation. Make sure everyone knows your fears and is aware he is no longer in your life.

This really will suck. Esp. since he told some people that he bought an engagement ring for me (i found out by accident and my fingers are tiny, so its a custom size...) Oh well, I told him not to tell anyone because anything can happen between then and when he actually proposes... I guess I was right.
None of my friends are particularly fond of him to begin with. I only have to worry about telling my sisters, since I'm forever away from some of them and there are so many. So much to do.

LD

[33girl]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

LD

Both.

And I agree with everyone who said be done NOW - do not G-talk to him or have any sort of contact with him. If you do, you will defeat the purpose of the restraining order.

[CopterDad]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Both.

And I agree with everyone who said be done NOW - do not G-talk to him or have any sort of contact with him. If you do, you will defeat the purpose of the restraining order.

Except, she doesn't have a restraining order and is unlikely to get one with what has been posted.

I do agree with everything else that has been posted about getting away from the creep. If the OP is really scared, I suggest that she, or ask her dad, to get a legal opinion on this. My good friend had to go through this with his daughter. It's doable.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

Get one where you're at right now -- probably easier to get your parents to foot the bill, then when you go back to school get one there too. It'll probably be easier to get one in the other state when you already have one granted back home.

That's ideal, but you're going to run into some difficulty getting him served if he's not in your state. This is something you probably ought to talk to a lawyer about. In Oklahoma, we call these things Victims' Protection Orders (VPOs). Here, it's as simple as going to the courthouse, filling out a form, having an ex parte hearing in front of the judge (that means your ex doesn't have to be present) and having them served by the sheriff, then having a hearing later to determine whether there's good reason to keep the order around and what kind it should be (in some cases, the VPO means the sheriff confiscates your guns).

I can't advise you as to how this works where you're at. If there's a YWCA in your area, they could probably tell you what you need to do.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

You shouldn't even have to ask that. He's nuts.

eta: and YES!

[KSUViolet06]

Harsh, but whatever:

You kind of fail at life for having to ask this. Seriously? If you really aren't sure whether or not to stay with a guy who BROKE INTO YOUR PLACE, I dunno what to tell you.

I don't care how nice he is sometimes, or that he already purchased a ring for you, or whatever.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Harsh, but whatever:

You kind of fail at life for having to ask this. Seriously? If you really aren't sure whether or not to stay with a guy who BROKE INTO YOUR PLACE, I dunno what to tell you.

I don't care how nice he is sometimes, or that he already purchased a ring for you, or whatever.

It's very, very easy to say this if you haven't been in an abusive, or even borderline-abusive, relationship. I think some of the women who have opened up about their experiences in this thread would say the same thing. These men are master manipulators, and do far greater damage to your self-esteem before they make the first physical blow.

CopterDad, a LOT of us on GC are friends on Facebook, Twitter, and LJ in addition to the fact that a lot of people are from the same schools and regions. The Greek world has always been a small world, and sites like this make it that much smaller. The poster's decision to remain anonymous is an extremely smart one.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by CopterDad

I admire all of the ladies on this board that have opened up their past in order to help you.

That you felt the need to create a sock puppet to hide your regular screen name, not so much.

Now, take the advice and fix yourself. Like I and others have said, get legal advice on this one.

I think this is the PERFECT situation to use a sock puppet. I would think that an ex would know the user's real screen name and could search for posts by that person. This is one situation where a hidden identity is important.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

It's very, very easy to say this if you haven't been in an abusive, or even borderline-abusive, relationship. I think some of the women who have opened up about their experiences in this thread would say the same thing. These men are master manipulators, and do far greater damage to your self-esteem before they make the first physical blow.

CopterDad, a LOT of us on GC are friends on Facebook, Twitter, and LJ in addition to the fact that a lot of people are from the same schools and regions. The Greek world has always been a small world, and sites like this make it that much smaller. The poster's decision to remain anonymous is an extremely smart one.

Extremely well said.

[luvdrunk]

It's easy to think of in theory (trust me I've worked through this many, many times), but for some reason I keep getting sucked into him, it's like I'm so dependent on him. I need to know this is hard, but it'll be worth it.

Basically I need to know what I'm doing is OK. He's the first REAL bf I had (yes, I was sheltered), and I just need to know that I'm not the first person (nor probably the last) to deal with a situation like this.

[Little32]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

It's easy to think of in theory (trust me I've worked through this many, many times), but for some reason I keep getting sucked into him, it's like I'm so dependent on him. I need to know this is hard, but it'll be worth it.

Basically I need to know what I'm doing is OK. He's the first REAL bf I had (yes, I was sheltered), and I just need to know that I'm not the first person (nor probably the last) to deal with a situation like this.

Those types tend to be very, very charming initially. They suck you in and suddenly you are so deep that you are not quite sure how to get yourself out. I believe it is even more complicated when you are younger and unsure of yourself. You don't necessarily know where the boundaries should be, and there are a lot of shades of gray.

Taking for granted that everything that you have written is the truth, I don't think you fail at life; but I do think that this is an important lesson for you to learn now and an important type of strength that you need to begin to nurture within yourself.

Additionally, there have been several women in this thread that have recalled their own similar experiences. There are probably others reading this right now that are going through similar problems and don't know how to even begin to ask for help. So this thread serves that purpose too.

[AZTheta]

I cannot state this any more baldly.

You truly have no idea of the mindset that you are dealing with; any contact with you is rewarding, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

The most difficult thing you must accept is that you cannot react in any way to this man (or, as the case may be, woman - "Fatal Attraction", anyone?).

Please, please read Gavin DeBecker's book.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak.