Boyfriend Question (please help) - Page 3

Kevin · #31 05-27-2010, 05:24 PM

If he's been violent with you and stalked you in the past, those aren't good signs. Look into the laws regarding restraining orders in your state. You'd likely qualify in mine. Nothing says "stay the eff away" like a restraining order served by a sheriff.

Jen · #32 05-27-2010, 05:51 PM

Out, out, OUT!

Good advice about not talking to him as well, even in public. He will read it as thinking you are hesitant, changing your mind, don't mean what you say, want to get back together and it's okay to be in touch with you etc.

I also agree with telling EVERYONE you know that he is no longer in your life and not to be informed about you at all. It may suck having to tell people why, but it's way better than a mutual friend or acquaintance giving him personal information on you because he's spun them a sob story about your breakup. Better you protect yourself and your safety by telling people the situation. Make sure everyone knows your fears and is aware he is no longer in your life.

luvdrunk · #33 05-27-2010, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin

Nothing says "stay the eff away" like a restraining order served by a sheriff.

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jen

Better you protect yourself and your safety by telling people the situation. Make sure everyone knows your fears and is aware he is no longer in your life.

This really will suck. Esp. since he told some people that he bought an engagement ring for me (i found out by accident and my fingers are tiny, so its a custom size...) Oh well, I told him not to tell anyone because anything can happen between then and when he actually proposes... I guess I was right.
None of my friends are particularly fond of him to begin with. I only have to worry about telling my sisters, since I'm forever away from some of them and there are so many. So much to do.

LD

cheerfulgreek · #34 05-27-2010, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

You shouldn't even have to ask that. He's nuts.

eta: and YES!

KSUViolet06 · #35 05-27-2010, 06:57 PM

Harsh, but whatever:

You kind of fail at life for having to ask this. Seriously? If you really aren't sure whether or not to stay with a guy who BROKE INTO YOUR PLACE, I dunno what to tell you.

I don't care how nice he is sometimes, or that he already purchased a ring for you, or whatever.

luvdrunk · #36 05-27-2010, 07:29 PM

It's easy to think of in theory (trust me I've worked through this many, many times), but for some reason I keep getting sucked into him, it's like I'm so dependent on him. I need to know this is hard, but it'll be worth it.

Basically I need to know what I'm doing is OK. He's the first REAL bf I had (yes, I was sheltered), and I just need to know that I'm not the first person (nor probably the last) to deal with a situation like this.

Little32 · #37 05-27-2010, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

It's easy to think of in theory (trust me I've worked through this many, many times), but for some reason I keep getting sucked into him, it's like I'm so dependent on him. I need to know this is hard, but it'll be worth it.

Basically I need to know what I'm doing is OK. He's the first REAL bf I had (yes, I was sheltered), and I just need to know that I'm not the first person (nor probably the last) to deal with a situation like this.

Those types tend to be very, very charming initially. They suck you in and suddenly you are so deep that you are not quite sure how to get yourself out. I believe it is even more complicated when you are younger and unsure of yourself. You don't necessarily know where the boundaries should be, and there are a lot of shades of gray.

Taking for granted that everything that you have written is the truth, I don't think you fail at life; but I do think that this is an important lesson for you to learn now and an important type of strength that you need to begin to nurture within yourself.

Additionally, there have been several women in this thread that have recalled their own similar experiences. There are probably others reading this right now that are going through similar problems and don't know how to even begin to ask for help. So this thread serves that purpose too.

AZTheta · #38 05-27-2010, 08:00 PM

I cannot state this any more baldly.

You truly have no idea of the mindset that you are dealing with; any contact with you is rewarding, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

The most difficult thing you must accept is that you cannot react in any way to this man (or, as the case may be, woman - "Fatal Attraction", anyone?).

Please, please read Gavin DeBecker's book.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak.

33girl · #39 05-27-2010, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

LD

Both.

And I agree with everyone who said be done NOW - do not G-talk to him or have any sort of contact with him. If you do, you will defeat the purpose of the restraining order.

Little32 · #40 05-27-2010, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzTheta

I cannot state this any more baldly.

You truly have no idea of the mindset that you are dealing with; any contact with you is rewarding, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

The most difficult thing you must accept is that you cannot react in any way to this man (or, as the case may be, woman - "Fatal Attraction", anyone?).

Please, please read Gavin DeBecker's book.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak.

I agree. She has talked to him once, and let him know where she stands. I don't think anymore conversations are necessary. What needs to happen now is letting everyone know that he is no longer a part of her life. She doesn't need to talk to him anymore.

ComradesTrue · #41 05-27-2010, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzTheta

Run. NOW. Please.

and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

This book immediately came to my mind too. Please take AzTheta's advice and read it. So often we don't want to believe that those who supposedly love us will hurt us. Not true. Someone already mentioned the Yeardley Love incident.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

AOII Angel · #42 05-27-2010, 08:49 PM

If you are having difficulties letting go and are doubting yourself, counseling may be in order, too. A lot of these issues have to do with the men making their girlfriends feel dependent on them and making them feel like the situation is their fault. There is nothing wrong with having a professional to talk through these issues. You need to really get a handle on why you fell into the relationship with THIS guy so you can avoid a relationship with another guy like him or fall back into a relationship with the same guy again when he comes crawling back with flowers, crying that he didn't mean to hurt you.

CopterDad · #43 05-27-2010, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Both.

And I agree with everyone who said be done NOW - do not G-talk to him or have any sort of contact with him. If you do, you will defeat the purpose of the restraining order.

Except, she doesn't have a restraining order and is unlikely to get one with what has been posted.

I do agree with everything else that has been posted about getting away from the creep. If the OP is really scared, I suggest that she, or ask her dad, to get a legal opinion on this. My good friend had to go through this with his daughter. It's doable.

luvdrunk · #44 05-28-2010, 02:23 AM

I'm share with mixed emotion that I broke it off with my boyfriend. Mixed because yeah I know it works out for the better, but we had so much planned together and I don't know where I go from here (other than forward, the only way to move I guess). The good thing is they were just that... plans.

I left some things in his care before moving out (a few clothes, some cheap jewelry), he threatened to throw them away. Right now I'm trying to deal through a neutral third party who will set up the meeting time with him without my knowledge and same with me. Is there anyway I can get my stuff back (legal-wise)? It's no big deal if I can't, but it's a few more price-y items I don't want to re-purchase.

Thanks again y'all

LD

Drolefille · #45 05-28-2010, 02:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

I'm share with mixed emotion that I broke it off with my boyfriend. Mixed because yeah I know it works out for the better, but we had so much planned together and I don't know where I go from here (other than forward, the only way to move I guess). The good thing is they were just that... plans.

I left some things in his care before moving out (a few clothes, some cheap jewelry), he threatened to throw them away. Right now I'm trying to deal through a neutral third party who will set up the meeting time with him without my knowledge and same with me. Is there anyway I can get my stuff back (legal-wise)? It's no big deal if I can't, but it's a few more price-y items I don't want to re-purchase.

Thanks again y'all

LD

I walked away from a boyfriend who was, IMO, emotionally abusive. Although it was no where near as scary a situation as yours, I also felt torn because he was who I had planned my life around for 7 years. Some days I'm still not sure, but I know that it was the right choice and I'm a much healthier and happier person for it.

Legally it'd take small claims court I think. Hopefully a neutral friend can take care of it.