Asking daddy's permission before proposing

[Preston327]

I've always said that when I go to propose I'd meet with the parents before hand and basically "I love your daughter and plan to propose to her, and I'd like your blessing on our marriage" etc etc. It's just a respect thing IMO and I'm traditional like that anyhow. I've always been of the school of thought that says you should make a good impression on the parents so that they see you'll treat their daughter right. So far, I've been successful in that (the last girl I was courting seriously once invited me to her house to meet her mother, who told her I was a good man and she should date me. Alas, it didn't work out ).

[APhiAnna]

I absolutely want my future husband to ask for my father's blessing and have my father walk me down the aisle. I guess it is your right to be offended at the history of those traditions, but to me I choose to see it as a nice tradition that speaks to the bond I have with my father. I don't take the historical implications too seriously.

[AOII Angel]

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue. Everyone is different. My husband didn't ask my father for my hand in marriage. I would have laughed in his face had he, but it never would have occurred to him to ask in the first place although we are both extremely southern. We were both medical school graduates and old enough to make our own decisions. My father and I have a good relationship, but my parents don't get to make my decisions for me, nor do they know enough about my husband or my relationship with him to make asking for their permission worthwhile even after being married to him for 7 years. From my experience, parents (or at least mine) tend to think they know how you should handle your business if they know too much about your business!

[AKA_Monet]

Welp, my husband was reared to the opposite, it was important to him to ask my father for my hand and I obliged him to do so. But then again we eloped, too because we wanted to. Oh well.

[DIVA1177]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

Eh...my husband did it and I was mildly upset about it until I realized that my husband asking my parents, well my Dad, had nothing to really do with me. It is more of a show of respect to his new in-laws. After I thought about it, I thought it was kinda sweet. At the end of the day, you are grown and you are going to marry whomever you choose.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

I absolutely want my future husband to ask for my father's blessing and have my father walk me down the aisle. I guess it is your right to be offended at the history of those traditions, but to me I choose to see it as a nice tradition that speaks to the bond I have with my father. I don't take the historical implications too seriously.

Like I said, it's your choice if you want to honor those traditions. And it's great that you have such a close bond with your father.

In case it wasn't obvious ( ) my relationship with my father is... uhh, let's just say "not good".

I prefer a more egalitarian approach. If a couple is going to ask one parent (the father of the bride) for permission, ask them all. The bride has a mother, right? The groom has parents? Why shouldn't they get a say? And that's totally leaving aside the permutations of step-parents, etc.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue. Everyone is different.

Agreed; it depends on the situation, how close the bride is to her parents, etc. I didn't realize people got so fired up about this, haha.

As I said in the other thread, I did talk to my father-in-law (and my mother-in-law) before I proposed. But, he and I are pretty close (he's like a second dad), so it was more to give him a head's up about what was going on. It was more of the "blessing" thing that MC had mentioned than asking for permission.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AGDee

In my day, it was about asking permission.

Aren't you and I about the same age?

Even so, my relationship with my father at that point in my life was awful. As I said, he "owned" me until I went away to college. He was very controlling of everything and I had intense dislike for him at the time that my first husband proposed to me. I don't think my dad even met my second husband until after we had discussed marriage and looked at rings.

And under these kind of circumstances, I can see exactly why you feel the way you do about it.

I think that life stage, the closeness of the relationships and the personal beliefs of the individuals involved are all important factors in deciding whether or not this would be the right thing to do.

Exactly. That's why, for me, the issue was what my (now) wife wanted, not what her father or I wanted.

For me, personally, I think I would be upset if anybody else knew that he was proposing before I knew. It's such a deeply personal and important decision. What if a man talked to your father and proposed in front of your family and you didn't want to marry him? That seems like it would be incredibly awkward. And, I really enjoyed being the person to tell my mom. It would have been weird to call her and say "I'm engaged!" and have her say "I know". I dunno, it just doesn't fit with who I am.

There are different ways of doing it. What I am used to is the couple deciding to get married and then asking the father/parents.

I proposed to my wife first. The next day, while we were at her parents house for Easter dinner, I waited until everyone had moved to the dining room except wife, her dad and me, and I asked him for her hand. (Yep, actually asked for her hand.) She was standing next to me, beaming (yeah, go figure ), so it was clear that we were getting married and I was really asking for his blessing. But it mattered to my wife that we not just tell him we were getting married but that I ask him.

[DrPhil]

I didn't read this thread so I missed where people are aggressive and fired up about what other people do with their lives.

Originally Posted by aephi alum

And it's great that you have such a close bond with your father.

In case it wasn't obvious ( ) my relationship with my father is... uhh, let's just say "not good".

I prefer a more egalitarian approach. If a couple is going to ask one parent (the father of the bride) for permission, ask them all. The bride has a mother, right? The groom has parents? Why shouldn't they get a say? And that's totally leaving aside the permutations of step-parents, etc.

As with all opinions, people with different backgrounds share opinions. The line isn't being drawn between those who are close to their fathers and those who aren't.

I'm EXTREMELY close to my father (and mother). I talk to him like 3 times a day everyday. We crack each other up. Jokes galore.

BUT, I disagree with asking for a father's blessings (and parents' blessings, kinda) for marriage, and preferred an egalitarian approach if asking for blessings was deemed important.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue.

While I agree that people feel strongly about their own personal situations regarding this issue, I've not seen anything I would call aggressive. See race threads and threads about homeless people for the aggressive comments!

Yes, MC, I think we are around the same age. Perhaps it was my culture (strong Italian heritage in a primarily Italian neighborhood) that makes me say that in my day it was about asking permission. Most girls I knew still went from their dad's house to their husband's house and it truly was asking permission. I have no idea whether my dad was hurt or upset that neither of my husband's asked his permission. I really don't care whether he was or not It never even dawned on me to consider it as a possibility until I read that other thread.

[agzg]

My dad would be more concerned that we didn't get married in a church by a pastor than whether or not live-in asked his permission.

As it is, I would like live-in to warn dad a little bit. Asking for permission or blessing, though, no.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by agzg

As it is, I would like live-in to warn dad a little bit.

Warn?

Do you mean, give a heads up?

[agzg]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Warn?

Do you mean, give a heads up?

LOL yes - something like "Hey - I was hoping to propose to agzg sometime in the next few months. Just a heads up not to have a heart attack when she calls you and tells you."

My dad doesn't deal with surprises well.

The only problem with that is that my dad has a big mouth - so everyone in my hometown basically and probably others will know before I do.

[Smile_Awhile]

I would hope that my future husband would ask for my father's blessing. I'd rather not have him ask for his permission- I am my own woman. However, I was raised thinking that the right thing is to have their blessing before he asks for my hand. If I had a strained relationship with my parents, I would understand not desiring that- but I have a great relationship with them.

Funny story: When my father asked my grandfather for his blessing, my grandfather's immediate reaction was "How much land do you own?" My grandparents are farmers, so it makes sense in context- he has always said "Land is forever, and it's limited."

[katiedelta3]

My husband asked for my parents' blessing before he proposed. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, I am very close to my parents and wouldn't have wanted anything to hurt them. He wasn't asking for permission to own me, just that he would happily recognize, bless, and support our marriage. I can understand other circumstances, but in my situation, it was right to ask for blessing.