At the End of My Rope! - Page 2

lovelyivy84 · #1 10-01-2007, 10:58 AM

Agreed with 33girl- I'm wondering how bad things have gotten, and if there are things she is too "ashamed" to tell you.

DaemonSeid · #2 10-01-2007, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

I am at the end of my rope with two of my best girlfriends. I have known each of them since I was in 6th grade. They are both involved in awful relationships. One friend is married to a guy who is mentally and verbally abusive to her. The other is dating a guy who is manipulative, lacks common courtesy, and shows all the signs of a cheater. They have both asked me for my opinion on their situations, and since I have known these women since we were kids, I was honest. They need to drop these clowns! I stated all my reasons why I think they each deserve better. However, they just continue to allow themselves to be manipulated over and over again (this has been going on for several years with the married friend, and several months with the one who is dating the guy).

At least once a week, these two call me up, crying over something that these characters did or did not do. When they don't call about it, they are constantly texting me about it. We can't even go out and enjoy lunch or a movie anymore because the entire outing consists of them complaining about these guys. Actually, the married one cannot even come out anymore because she is NOT ALLOWED to.

I am so stressed because I keep seeing these two dear friends hurt. I have told each of them that I am always here for them, but that I will no longer give any opinions on their situations because I've said what I had to say, and that's all. I've noticed that the other gals we hang out with do not come around as much (I think they are just fed up with the drama). I don't want to do the same, or abandon my friends because they have been good to me all my life. I pray daily about this, and I need some advise, please.

(Normally I wouldn't put a personal problem out on an internet board, but I want to refrain from discussing this situation with other friends in our group, and need some un-biased opinions.)

Well...here is my take...and I apologize if I sound harsh but some of these same things I apply to self.

I agree with some of the other things that have already been said, also...

1. You have known them since 6th grade....have you all grown together since that time? It's good that you have that kind of relationship that lasts over time like this but as it's said, sometimes you have to let people go. You get to a certain point that you outgrow your friends which brings me to point number 2.

2. What are they doing besides calling you about thier problems? Are they even following any advice that you have given? Are they at a point where they need to seek professional help? There are people out there that no matter how miserable they are....they seem to love it. And complain just for the sake of complain and are NOT happy unless they are complaining.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is take a step back and let them work it out for themselves. You get to a point that even you can only do so much and when it sounds like it's a broken record and you can see that they aren't doing much to help thier situation then you have to let go and let God. Because thier stress should not have to be your stress and worse case scenario is if something happens, those same people who are supposed to be friends will be the first to turn around and blame you for 'ruining thier marriage' and that is something to take into account.

Be there and be a friend, but be sure that you don't let yourself get involved no further than you want to be because YOU aren't the one married....THEY are.

Last but not least...make notes so that way you don't repeat the same mistakes...

nikki1920 · #3 10-01-2007, 10:19 AM

You should go talk to friend #1 when hubby is not there and give it to her straight, no chaser. Then step back and let her know that you are available when she needs you *cuz she will need you at some point*, but that you can not and will not be, as some said earlier, her waste management company.

LatinaAlumna · #4 10-01-2007, 11:02 AM

Yes, that worries me, too. She and I have discussed counseling, or at least marriage counseling, but she's expressed to me that because of their cultural background, it is not an option. (Which really doesn't explain why she feels free to tell me about all this strife.

)

Her mother isn't helping. Her mom (who stayed with a male for over 40 years even though he had a family with a woman in their home country) basically told her to "suck it up" because that's "just how men are."

SydneyK · #5 10-01-2007, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

Her mother isn't helping. Her mom (who stayed with a male for over 40 years even though he had a family with a woman in their home country) basically told her to "suck it up" because that's "just how men are."

Well, this explains a lot. People who come from unhealthy homes typically do one of two things: (1) recognize the problems from their childhood home life and vow to never be in a similar situation, or (2) fail to recognize the problems from their childhood home life and practically recreate that toxic atmosphere.

It sounds like your friend falls in the second category.

While it would be encouraging to know that your friend's mom is supportive of your take on the whole matter, in the end, it probably wouldn't make too much of an impact. Children often don't appreciate their parents' opinions when it comes to relationship woes... regardless of how old/young they are.

Glad to hear your other friend knows what's going on with her (hopefully ex) boyfriend.

Good luck dealing with all this; I know it can't be easy for you.

AlphaFrog · #6 10-01-2007, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

Yes, that worries me, too. She and I have discussed counseling, or at least marriage counseling, but she's expressed to me that because of their cultural background, it is not an option. (Which really doesn't explain why she feels free to tell me about all this strife.

)

What exactly do you mean by that?

nikki1920 · #7 10-01-2007, 11:15 AM

Ok, uh, no. Stage an intervention and go from there.

And let us know what happens.

DaemonSeid · #8 10-01-2007, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki1920

Ok, uh, no. Stage an intervention and go from there.

And let us know what happens.

Sounds like a "Waiting to Exhale" moment in the making.

Make sure when she starts to sell the cars and good for a buck someone call me

nikki1920 · #9 10-01-2007, 01:05 PM

People often imitate (consciously or not) what they saw growing up.

Your friends are lucky to have you.

LatinaAlumna · #10 10-01-2007, 02:03 PM

Thanks, ladies

And DaemonSeid, didn't she set the husband's car ablaze in that movie? LOL!

DaemonSeid · #11 10-01-2007, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

Thanks, ladies

And DaemonSeid, didn't she set the husband's car ablaze in that movie? LOL!

yup....lol

LatinaAlumna · #12 10-01-2007, 02:51 PM

Her words, not mine: "Asians are not supposed to seek help for stuff like this."

DaemonSeid · #13 10-01-2007, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

Her words, not mine: "Asians are not supposed to seek help for stuff like this."

stoicism doesn't stop an arsewhupping

LatinaAlumna · #14 10-01-2007, 03:02 PM

^Oh, don't think we haven't thought about that (well, for him)!!! The only reason her brothers haven't laid hands on him is because she has asked them not to (repeatedly).

AlphaFrog · #15 10-01-2007, 03:07 PM

Honestly, then, this is just a case of what's more important - your marriage or your pride...in both cases. If the husband decides that his pride is worth more than getting help, then he deserves it if his wife walks out on him. Likewise, if the wife deicides that her pride is more important than getting away from an abusive husband, than there's nothing anyone can do.