What's the deal?? - Page 2

lauren1874 · #1 05-24-2005, 02:27 PM

Exactly. And I swore up and down I never live with anyone before we were married, and I swore we wouldn't buy a house before we were married, and we've done both. It made more sense for us financially, and it was a decision that we made together after looking at all of the possibilities and weighing the pros and cons. If you're really committed to making your relationship successful, if you really love the other person, chances are it will work out no matter what the statistics say. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and just because you wait to live together until after you're married doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be happier or better off or stay married longer than people who have lived together. In our case, as far as we're concerned, marriage is only going to legalize the commitment we've already made to each other. We already live as husband and wife, and we already regard one another as such; we live each day as though we've already made our marriage vows. We know how we feel; our wedding ceremony will show everyone else, in case they were wondering.

I've known people who were married for 20 years, who didn't live together before they were married, and who decided after 20 years that they couldn't stand to spend one more minute married to one another. Things can change; you prevent that by staying committed and making sure you do your part on a daily basis. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and while statistics may be a predictor, they are not necessarily a precise indicator. There is an exception to every rule.

By the way, that two-year rule is a crock of you-know-what. That's the worst advice ever. I have a friend who is 31 and smart and funny and probably won't ever get married, simply because she subscribes to that getting him to propose in 3 dates crap and scares off every guy she meets. I went on a double-date with her and a guy on their first date once, and she literally turned to him and started a sentence with, "When we get married..." We were on a boat, and the poor guy looked like he was trying to figure out the likelihood of drowning if he jumped off and tried to swim to shore.

But now this thread is way off topic.

Oh, yeah, dump your boyfriend. He sounds like a pain in the ass.

lauren1874 · #2 05-24-2005, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
Also, there's the correlation does not imply causation issue. It could be that couples who are more likely to live together before marriage are less traditional or less religious and less likely to stay in unhappy marriages under any circumstances -- not that the fact that they lived together causes them to get divorced later.

EXACTLY.

I'm double-posting, but just because I wanted to say that I LOVE VALKYRIE and wish I could be this concise!!!!!

valkyrie · #3 05-24-2005, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lauren1874
EXACTLY.

I'm double-posting, but just because I wanted to say that I LOVE VALKYRIE and wish I could be this concise!!!!!

Does my mom pay you to be so nice to me?!

Seriously, thanks!

lauren1874 · #4 05-24-2005, 04:07 PM

Yes, she does. Not much, though. It's like $5 a week.

AKA_Monet · #5 05-24-2005, 04:10 PM

UlChiOCutie26--

I think you are young, vibrant and have a lot going for yourself. Any man that is incapable of appreciating all that you are, just as you are, when you are there, does not deserve your presence.

From the immortal words of Run D.M.C.

"But, when's the last time that LOVE bought you clothes? It's like that and that's the way it is..."

Love only goes so far realistically in any kind of relationship, most especially a maritial one...

Why? Because once you are married, you have a LEGAL BINDING DOCUMENT the states that you are OBLIGATED to that person for as long as your are married--which includes MONEY and PROPERTY...

Yeah, for those of you not married, sure, you can sign a mortgage together and that may be binding, but what happens if you were to break up? Especially if you both have a "vested interest" in the home...

With a marriage license, in a community property state, spouses get half straight up without arguement from the courts...

Without a license, you don't get jack without a court hearing...

And it ain't got nothing to do with LOVE professed in front of others...

I agree with Bobby... Kick your boy to the curb and be wild and loose till your 30 something, then settle down...

ETA: Where's James when you need him?

blueangel · #6 05-24-2005, 04:58 PM

The purpose of dating is to find a mate to marry. The poster seems distressed because her boyfriend does not seem to be coming forth in that sense.

If your purpose in dating is only to have a sex buddy, then that is your decision. However, I think the poster has more in mind for herself than that. If her boyfriend hasn't made up his mind in three years, that is a major red flag.

Three years is a big chunk out of your life. It is time to move on. It's like trying on shoes-- some shoes may look good, but they hurt. You need to try on a lot of shoes to find the perfect pair that fit, won't give you bunions and that look great! But how can you find that perfect pair of shoes, when you insist on sticking with the same pair of shoes that are ruining your feet? Time to go back to the store and go shopping!

A man who is truly in love with a woman would do anything to keep her. That includes asking her to marry him. A good book to read is "He's Just Not that in to You."

What REALLY worries me is that he is not happy for her in her career. A marriage partner is one who SUPPORTS his/her spouse. This poster's boyfriend does not seem to be a good candidate for marriage. I certainly would not want to be in a relationship in which my partner did not support me in my hobbies/interests/jobs. Remember, marriage is "for richer, for poorer." He should be THRILLED that you found a great job!

As for the co-habitation before marriage-- I am just repeating the statistics which were done in a survey. Don't kill the messenger.

Although, I personally DO agree with it. You know the old saying, why marry the cow if you get the milk for free? But if anyone reading this feels that living with someone outside of marriage is OK for you, who am I to judge? Just be aware of the statistics. You may beat them.. but then again.... you may not. Just be sure to go in with your eyes wide open.

(edited for typo)

valkyrie · #7 05-24-2005, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
The purpose of dating is to find a mate to marry. The poster seems distressed because her boyfriend does not seem to be coming forth in that sense.

The purpose according to whom? You, but not necessarily everyone. You can't really say that what's true for you is true for everyone in the world. Some people date for FUN!

Quote:

Although, I personally DO agree with it. You know the old saying, why marry the cow if you get the milk for free? But if anyone reading this feels that living with someone outside of marriage is OK for you, who am I to judge? Just be aware of the statistics. You may beat them.. but then again.... you may not. Just be sure to go in with your eyes wide open.

I can't say I've ever known anyone who has married a cow.

mu_agd · #8 05-24-2005, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
I can't say I've ever known anyone who has married a cow.

I heard sugar and spice was dating one.

valkyrie · #9 05-24-2005, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by mu_agd
I heard sugar and spice was dating one.

Was it an emo cow?

mu_agd · #10 05-24-2005, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
Was it an emo cow?

Yes.

33girl · #11 05-24-2005, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
The purpose of dating is to find a mate to marry. The poster seems distressed because her boyfriend does not seem to be coming forth in that sense.

If your purpose in dating is only to have a sex buddy, then that is your decision. However, I think the poster has more in mind for herself than that. If her boyfriend hasn't made up his mind in three years, that is a major red flag.

Three years is a big chunk out of your life. It is time to move on. It's like trying on shoes-- some shoes may look good, but they hurt. You need to try on a lot of shoes to find the perfect pair that fit, won't give you bunions and that look great! But how can you find that perfect pair of shoes, when you insist on sticking with the same pair of shoes that are ruining your feet? Time to go back to the store and go shopping!

A man who is truly in love with a woman would do anything to keep her. That includes asking her to marry him. A good book to read is "He's Just Not that in to You."

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Yeah, good luck with that.

valkyrie · #12 05-24-2005, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by 33girl
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Yeah, good luck with that.

Oh man you are awesome.

I'm waiting for someone to bring in that quote about how the good girls are like the apples way up high in the trees and the sluts are the dirty, decaying apples lying on the ground. That would make this thread even better than it already is.

KSig RC · #13 05-24-2005, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
The purpose of dating is to find a mate to marry. The poster seems distressed because her boyfriend does not seem to be coming forth in that sense.

holy fucking crap

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
If your purpose in dating is only to have a sex buddy, then that is your decision. However, I think the poster has more in mind for herself than that. If her boyfriend hasn't made up his mind in three years, that is a major red flag.

holy fucking crap

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
Three years is a big chunk out of your life. It is time to move on. It's like trying on shoes-- some shoes may look good, but they hurt. You need to try on a lot of shoes to find the perfect pair that fit, won't give you bunions and that look great! But how can you find that perfect pair of shoes, when you insist on sticking with the same pair of shoes that are ruining your feet? Time to go back to the store and go shopping!

nice analogy - shoe shopping and matters of the heart go hand in hand, like lamb and tuna fish

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
A man who is truly in love with a woman would do anything to keep her. That includes asking her to marry him. A good book to read is "He's Just Not that in to You."

What REALLY worries me is that people need to read this book to understand the lessons. Shit guys, take a body language course, or live life and garner some experience with humans.

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
As for the co-habitation before marriage-- I am just repeating the statistics which were done in a survey. Don't kill the messenger.

The 'statistics' are really poor science, and to make conclusions based upon them is really pretty poor as well.

Quote:

Originally posted by blueangel
Although, I personally DO agree with it. You know the old saying, why marry the cow if you get the milk for free? But if anyone reading this feels that living with someone outside of marriage is OK for you, who am I to judge? Just be aware of the statistics. You may beat them.. but then again.... you may not. Just be sure to go in with your eyes wide open.
(edited for typo)

Hey, a stitch in time saves nine, so even if you really enjoy stitching you'd better take the short way. Oh, and one in the hand is worth two in the bush, so who the hell even knows what that means. The cliche is tired and not even necessarily pertinent to the point you're making.

How's this for weak evidentiary support? I know many, many nice, attractive, well-off, intelligent men who would never dream of marrying anyone until they've lived together. Why get the milk when the cow is a huge bitch over bills, or is irresponsible in a living situation, or smells like ass?

mu_agd · #14 05-24-2005, 05:25 PM

Girls are like apples on trees; the best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don`t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt, so instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren`t as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. They just have towait for the right boy to come along, the one who`s brave enough to climb allthe way to the top of the tree.

blueangel · #15 05-24-2005, 05:25 PM

Apparently, you didn't ready my post very carefully. I said that if your purpose of living with someone outside of marriage is for sex, then it is your decision. I'm not making judgements, just bringing up facts as they relate to the poster. She wants to marry this man.

Here are some facts from various studies:

*The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
_ _ _ (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan &
_ _ _ Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990).

*10% to 30% of cohabitors intend to never marry (Bumpass & Sweet 1990).

*Those who cohabit more than once prior to marriage have much higher rates of later divorce - 26% for women and 19% for men
(Brown & Booth 1996;McManus 1993; Stets 1993; Thompson & Colella 1992).