living together

[winneythepooh7]

Originally posted by cuaphi
I live with my boyfriend and we don't touch each others laundry. It's mostly because we're both really picky about what does and doesn't go into the dryer and neither of us trusts anyone else to not mess it up.

Also, it's been discussed here several times. The studies that prove that couples that live together first are more likely to get divorced is flawed because there tend to be differences in religious beliefs and over all tradional values between couples that would agree to live together outside of marriage.

As I think about it more, I think *in general* a marriage staying together today is a 50/50 chance. You just never know.

[swissmiss04]

I think I wouldn't live w/ someone before marriage just because I would want the novelty of building a house together. I think the reason people try to correlate living together and divorce is that most people whose religions are opposed to living together are also opposed to divorce. I don't think it necessarily means that people who live together beforehand are less serious about their relationship.

[rainbowbrightCS]

Originally posted by swissmiss04
I think I wouldn't live w/ someone before marriage just because I would want the novelty of building a house together. I think the reason people try to correlate living together and divorce is that most people whose religions are opposed to living together are also opposed to divorce. I don't think it necessarily means that people who live together beforehand are less serious about their relationship.

Good point.

Thanks for every ones input. An to let people know, I would not move in unless we were engaged. And this is a "if" we would move in together.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by swissmiss04
I think I wouldn't live w/ someone before marriage just because I would want the novelty of building a house together.

This is the same way I feel, and why I'm not moving back in w/ the Mr. when he comes to NYC to start school in the fall (including the fact that I need this time to "grow up," as it were).

[nucutiepie]

Originally posted by AlphaFrog
Yes...well, I don't have the ring (but in his culture, engament rings are not custom...we're still discussing this) and we don't have a date set (we're not exactly sure when he's coming back from Mexico), but yes, we have plans to get married, so yes, we are engaged.

Congratulations! That's all so exciting!

(and in terms of the ring you can always do what my mom did... her engagement ring had a tiny little diamond chip in it - yes chip - but this year for their 25th anniversary my dad is getting her the big diamond ring she never got before!)

By the way I love your baby names!

[aephi alum]

I did live with my husband before we got married. We started the paperwork to try to get a spot in student family housing before we got engaged - but we'd already been talking about marriage for a little while. By the time we actually moved in, we'd been engaged for about 4 months. I had the ring, but we hadn't set a date yet.

The decision was right for us, but it's not for everyone.

[Kevin]

Originally posted by pixell
I have no problem living together while engaged (or before), of course I know this isn't for everyone. I live with my boyfriend and we're *far* from engaged. Both our parents were fine with it (in fact it was his mom's idea)

I think it's a really good idea to live together before marriage because then you get to know a person better and see if you're compatible.

Of course my views might change in a few months, we have *just* moved in together.

It can also make sense for financial reasons. I'm moving in with my girlfriend on August 1st. I start Law School soon. I'll accrue probably a student debt of around 60-70K while in law school. If things didn't work out, she'd owe half if we were to be divorced.

Not really fair.

I know you can take care of that kind of stuff with a pre-nupital, but why bother when you can just put things off a few years?

[James]

Does it really bother people to pick up other people's stuff or do laundry?

It wouldn't bother me to pick someone else's stuff, do laundry or cook even if we weren't engaged.

Why is that such a big deal?

[swissmiss04]

Originally posted by James
Does it really bother people to pick up other people's stuff or do laundry?

It wouldn't bother me to pick someone else's stuff, do laundry or cook even if we weren't engaged.

Why is that such a big deal?

My thoughts exactly...Wanna move in?

[AGDee]

Originally posted by James
Does it really bother people to pick up other people's stuff or do laundry?

It wouldn't bother me to pick someone else's stuff, do laundry or cook even if we weren't engaged.

Why is that such a big deal?

I think it's only a big deal if it's a one way street... if only ONE person is picking everything up, doing all the laundry, all the cooking, etc. I used to really resent my ex-husband when he sat there watching TV while I picked up, did dishes, bathed kids, got them to bed, put clothes away, made lunches for the next day, etc. Then when I would sit down to watch TV with him, he was ready for sleep and I needed time to wind down. He's the laziest slob in the world. He even accused me of not doing anything around the house! He knows now how much I used to do, cuz he has to do it himself now! (And yes, I tried to talk to him about it a lot of times. He said I just got angry while cleaning because I listened to Alanis Morisette while cleaning, which he termed "angry white woman" music"). Boy am I glad he's history...lol.

I wish I'd lived with him first, because I wouldn't have married him (but then I wouldn't have my two wonderful kids either.. so everything works out as it should in the end, I guess!)

Dee

I moved in with my then-boyfriend after we'd been dating for only 4 months. We got engaged 8 months later and are getting married a little over a year later (eek, it's only 2 months away!)

I don't know... it's different for every person, but I don't think I would have done that in college. It's too transitional a time for everyone involved. We were both a few years out of college by the time we met, and had the experience of living on our own for several years, becoming financially stable, etc.

Generally I would say... if you're still in college, wait until you have a ring. In my case, we'd already talked about the possibility of marriage and I was pretty secure in the idea that the relationship was going somewhere

[winneythepooh7]

Originally posted by Ginger
I moved in with my then-boyfriend after we'd been dating for only 4 months. We got engaged 8 months later and are getting married a little over a year later (eek, it's only 2 months away!)

I don't know... it's different for every person, but I don't think I would have done that in college. It's too transitional a time for everyone involved. We were both a few years out of college by the time we met, and had the experience of living on our own for several years, becoming financially stable, etc.

Generally I would say... if you're still in college, wait until you have a ring. In my case, we'd already talked about the possibility of marriage and I was pretty secure in the idea that the relationship was going somewhere

What an insightful post, and an interesting way of looking at things. I think it is very important that people live on their own for awhile first before moving in with someone. I know there are "exceptions" but I think that it is important to experience independence, especially especially after the "transitional" phase of college (because after all college is not really "reality").

[adpialumcsuc]

I lived with my husband for a while before we were married. I have always felt that I didn't need "marriage" to prove my love and commitment to my husband. We both had an apartment in different parts of town but we always stayed together. We realized that with what we were paying combined in rent, would cover a mortgage on a house. We decided to buy a house together. This was more excited to me than the wedding was.

I think that living together is a great way to learn about the things you don't know about the person. I would highly recommend it but I also understand that there are people that don't believe in it.

[SSS1365]

My husband and I lived together for a year before our wedding. We were engaged when we moved in together, so we knew that we were serious. I think it was a great test of compatibility. I also know a woman at work who lived with a boyfriend before marriage, and found out that she couldn't stand living with him. So they broke up, as opposed to finding out after marriage that they were incompatible and getting a messy divorce.

There are definitely pros and cons to living together before marriage, so you have to think about it and decide with him if that's what you want to do.

[AKA_Monet]

The reason we got married before being formally engaged was because of our serious family values and convictions. Both of our folks vehemently felt that we should not be "shacking up" with each other and not be married...

But both of us are in our 30's and who can tell us--two professionals--what to do? So we decided that we were gonna try the "live in together thang"... But as the move out date for myself got closer, we decided that it would be better to just go to a JP and get legally married, then have a formal ceremony with reception...

We got legally married by the court, but the formal ceremony and reception was not fun for either of us... Too much work and expectations from others that had nothing to do with us, being together, married.

It was tough to learn each others idiosyncracies, but I would not trade it for anything in the world than to be married to my husband rather that trying to work it out by living together...