living together
 

Ok, just a really random question. My boyfriend and I were talking about our future. Like marriage and kids and names of kids, and if I would change my name and jobs and what not. Then he brought of the subject of living together. I never really thought about that before, and i really dont know what to think. I dont know any one who lived together before they were married.

Whats every one option on lving together while engaged, or about to be engaged?

Re: living together
 

I'm about to do it in August. Really, these days, the way marriages often end, I think it's a great test of compatibility. Just so long as it's done with something more in mind -- for example, you have already decided that when you're both done with school you'll get married.

I think a big reason that marriages end so often these days is that women are so much more self-sufficient. They have more options. If they want to leave a marriage, they're not essentially on the street because of it.

Consequently, it takes a lot more to make it work these days.

I learned in my Family Studies class that living together before marriage is a risk factor for divorce. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the two things are correlated. Living together is classified as a behavior that goes against societal norms, as is divorce. So if a couple is non-traditional enough to defy the norm and live together, they are likely to be non-traditional enough to get a divorce. Nevertheless, the statistic is there... living together makes you more likely to divorce.

I don't think you have to live with someone before you get married. I probably wouldn't do it, but I have no problem with those who do.

Other people can do whatever, and I won't judge, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable living together without an engagement and a wedding date set. I don't want to be doing things I'd willingly do as a wife (such as, picking up after some guy, doing his laundry, household stuff, etc) if I don't even have an engagement ring and there's no guarantee the guy is even thinking along those lines. Because I know I wouldn't agree to live with someone unless I thought I might want to marry him, but I know guys don't necessarily think about it that way. And I don't like the thought of letting a guy "test drive" me for a year or two if he's not sure whether I'm the one.

Also, the thought of mingling finances with a guy I don't know I'll marry is kind of scary to me- I like my independence.

My Take....
 

I, personally would want to live with someone first for at least a year to find out if I can deal with all his quirks. If not, then hes out. The townhouse/condo will be mine, so he would have to leave. I think that you really find out a lot about a person once you live with them, things that you don't see when they go home. Like do they throw their clothes all over the floor after they take them off, do they keep a tidy bed, is their room clean all the time or messy, noises they make when brushing their teeth, do they go commando all the time or just around you? ;)

I think that most marriages fail because the couples don't really know each other and living together first is a way to decrease the chances of divorce later on. IMO.

ETA: I meant to put in here that there must be a ring on my finger in order for any of the above to be valid!

Q

I lived w/ Mr. Munch for a while in undergrad. When I decided to move to NYC for grad school, he went back to his hometown. It was fun, but we don't plan on living together before the wedding. This is the last time I'll be "on my own," as it were, and I just want to get those last little screams of independence out before I'm out of school.

I am cool with it, it's just not something I'm willing to do at this point in my life. Plus, a lot of people living in NYC do it out of convenience, and a hell of a lot faster than they would in less expensive cities.

my boyfriend knows i will only live with a guy if i have a ring on my finger.

no engagement, no living together.

I lived with my boyfriend in college for about a 6 months or so. Then I decided that I wanted to live on campus with my friends. I would regularly crash over at his place but now that I am more grown up I wouldn't live with anyone unless I knew it was going somewhere. I think unconciously I was being rebellious back then cuz I was like 18 and my parents had held the reigns pretty tight on me. Now I think that people don't take marriage as seriously as they once did. I think personally speaking I would value my marriage more if we moved in together after we got married. Otherwise what really changes?

I was kind of progressive for me...it started with him coming over to my house every night...and then he began spending the night every night...and then I moved into an apartment down the hall from him so he was there every night and then during the day too. (Might as well have been living together then, but we technically weren't). And then when I decided I wanted out of my apartment (many things not up to code, no A/C and no windows that opened) he just moved out here to the house with me. Right now I'm on my way (as of tomarrow) to Charlotte, NC and he's taking a trip back to Mexico, but when he comes back he'll be living with my parents and I until we find a house/apartment. So I guess that kind of answers the question.

Alpha I don't mean to pry but are you two engaged?

I would like to live with someone while we are engaged. There's NOTHING like living with someone and I'd like to get that out of the way before we are married. No surprises.

Yes...well, I don't have the ring (but in his culture, engament rings are not custom...we're still discussing this) and we don't have a date set (we're not exactly sure when he's coming back from Mexico), but yes, we have plans to get married, so yes, we are engaged.

LOL! I'd never pick up after a guy or do his laundry even if we were married.

I second that. Well actually I might but only if he was doing the same for me. Marriage is a committment and give and take for both parties.

I live with my boyfriend and we don't touch each others laundry. It's mostly because we're both really picky about what does and doesn't go into the dryer and neither of us trusts anyone else to not mess it up.

Also, it's been discussed here several times. The studies that prove that couples that live together first are more likely to get divorced is flawed because there tend to be differences in religious beliefs and over all tradional values between couples that would agree to live together outside of marriage.