Domestic Violence

[*winter*]

There's way too much acceptance of women smacking, punching and screaming at men on TV. If the shoe was on the other foot, that show would be shut down. Wrong is wrong, doesn't matter who is hitting- would you want your daughter to grow up to be that woman? Can't we- men, women- everyone- find a better way!?!

As for just leaving...wow, people still think that it's that easy? That's like saying to an addict, "Just don't do that drug again." If it was that easy why would there be treatment centers and programs around the world, or domestic violence shelters?

Which isn't to say it's not incredibly frustrating to be a friend/family member who wants to see the person leave and be happy...but it rarely is that cut and dry. Many of these individuals have been raised with violence, so it's just part of life for them. And abusers have ways to manipulate and control the situation (i.e. wife doesn't get a license, so she can't drive, moving to a remote location, cutting off contact with family/friends) so that "leaving" just isn't that easy. Plus there's usually threats of killing the spouse, kids, family, even the pets if they dare leave.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by PiKA2001

And what have you come up with? Why do people find this or men being victims of rape funny?

Because of gender--the constructed way that girls/women and boys/men are taught to operate to express strength (most often masculinity) and weakness (most often femininity).

Men are supposed to be dominant, powerful, and are not supposed to be vulnerable. It's the same as men not thinking about being victims of crimes when men have a higher rate of violent crime victimization than women (with exception for rape and sexual assault). It is more "manly" and more "masculine" to pretend that men are always in charge. This need to be in charge operates when faced with potential victimization from women and other men.

Therefore, men and women laugh when I talk about violence against men.

[Tulip86]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

I was in an abusive relationship in my 20's, which I finally was able to end after seven years. Should I have gotten out sooner, absolutely, but I had to do a lot of reprogramming of my psyche in order to get to the point where I could do so. I was also someone who had said previously things along the lines of "I'm out of there if that ever happens even once." For me, it didn't start out at the extreme. It was losing a temper, having awful things said to me (who hasn't done that), and then an apology, which ratcheted up in intensity every time.

I experienced a relationship like this as well a few years ago, it took me over two years to get out. It started with an insult. It evolved. In my experience, it creeps up on you.

Also, my ex managed to make me feel very lonely. This feeling of alienation is something I've heard a lot of people who experienced this mention. It is really hard to tell people close to you about this. I think most people know someone who experienced domestic abuse, but it's just not talked about.

For men, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to talk about because men are stereotyped to be strong, in charge, and since being abused is often confused with being weak, they must have a way harder time talking about it and acknowledging that they are being abused.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by Tulip86

I experienced a relationship like this as well a few years ago, it took me over two years to get out. It started with an insult. It evolved. In my experience, it creeps up on you.

Also, me ex managed to make me feel very lonely. This feeling of alienation is something I've heard a lot of people who experienced this mention. It is really hard to tell people close to you about this. I think most people know someone who experienced domestic abuse, but it's just not talked about.

For men, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to talk about because men are stereotyped to me strong, in charge and since being abused is often confused with being weak, they must have a way harder time talking about it and acknowledging that they are being abused.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

The isolation is the worst; I went from having tons and tons of friends to not so many. Of course, going through something awful like that tends to separate the chaff from the wheat in terms of good friends vs. not good friends, but it's terrible to feel so alone.

[Kevin]

As someone who primarily practices in the family law arena, needless to say, I deal with the results of abuse for a living. It's difficult to discuss the concept in such general terms as is being attempted here as domestic abuse like a lot of human behavior is very nuanced and it is difficult to generalize.

In my experience, when there's abuse, it often goes both ways. I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim. Sometimes, it's two a-holes who deserve each other.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by Kevin

As someone who primarily practices in the family law arena, needless to say, I deal with the results of abuse for a living. It's difficult to discuss the concept in such general terms as is being attempted here as domestic abuse like a lot of human behavior is very nuanced and it is difficult to generalize.

In my experience, when there's abuse, it often goes both ways. I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim. Sometimes, it's two a-holes who deserve each other.

So, in the case of two assholes who deserve each other, abuse is OK?

[KSUViolet06]

The whole "just leave" thing is SO oversimplified.

I think people who say that, forget that there are many factors involved that keep people from "just leaving."

Sometimes, the victim has kids and worries about just pulling them from school, friends, etc. to make a break for it. You also risk being charged with kidnapping (yes, kidnapping) for taking your own kids away from your Abuser. In many states, you cannot just up and take away kids from another parent, no matter the circumstances (yes, it sucks, but that's what it is.)

"Just leaving" takes money. In a situation where the Abuser controls the money (ex: maybe Victim is a stay at home mom who has never worked), where is someone going to get the money to support themselves once on their own.

Victims also are reluctant to move away from their support network (family, friends, etc.)

Nevermind all the "what if the Abuser finds me?" thoughts.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Kevin

It's difficult to discuss the concept in such general terms as is being attempted here as domestic abuse like a lot of human behavior is very nuanced and it is difficult to generalize.

It actually is not difficult to discuss the concept in general terms and it is not difficut to generalize. Across millions of domestic violence cases, there are similarities. Generalizations are not intended to apply 100% and even the differences are similar to other differences.

For instance:

Originally Posted by Kevin

In my experience, when there's abuse, it often goes both ways. I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim.

This is an accurate observation and generalization that has also been addressed in research.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

My thoughts on domestic violence: Fortunately for me, I’ve never witnessed it, nor have I been involved in an abusive relationship, so I can only speak for me, and the choices I make. Disagreeing and debate are apart of every relationship, but the bottom line (for me) (courting or married), the first time a man hits me, pushes me, verbally abuses me, etc. I will leave him, but that’s just me. I don't know why some people choose to stay in what I view as an unhealthy relationship, but then again, how they choose to live their lives isn’t any of my business (as long as their choices don’t affect mine).

FYP.

[Low C Sharp]

everyone says they would leave if it was them

And for a lot of those people, it is true.

There's no one model that fits all abusive relationships. I've seen this up close and personal with someone I love. She wasn't slowly boiled to death. Yes, it got worse over time, but he was an asshole from the word go. Everyone saw it and brought it up when she first met him, but she wouldn't listen to reason. She liked her fantasy of who he was and what they would be together.

I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim.

This is also my experience from my law practice. Sometimes there's just an abusive mess.

[IrishLake]

I debated creating a different user name for this topic. I debated not posting anything at all. And the only reason I'm posting anything is because of what cheergreek said, that for her, it would only be once. I debated it because I don't want to bring shame on my GLO. But, that's not me, Theta doesn't define me, and I do not define her. So here it is:

For my husband and I, it was one time and it saved our marriage.

We were separated, on the verge of divorcing. Why is irrelevant. He came to the house one night when my children were young, my son just a baby. He picked a fight (as he often did around that time), because I confronted him about something. We shouted at each other, screamed, and I tried to just sit and shut up. I called a family member to come over, who was a good mediator. But when someone is in your face, saying awful horrible things, it was very hard for me to toe the line. When he found out I had called my family, he said he was leaving and taking our (then sleeping) daughter with him. Now ya'll know never to get between a moma bear and her cubs, right? I said over my dead body, and he went to push past me and I snapped, and closed fist hit him across the face. A right cross to his left cheek and eye. He ranted and raved more, and I fully expected him to hit me back, but he didn't.

Of course, when the cop pulled into the driveway, I was thoroughly confused, because neither of us had called the police, even though he screamed that he was going to. My well intentioned family member did, not knowing what had happened. I was arrested, because his shiner was obvious, and I spent the night in the county jail, and had a hearing first thing the next morning. I later plead to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct, paid a fine and had a year of unmonitored probation.

Now, of course, we don't condone violence. But that punch was one of the best things to ever happen to our marriage. I honestly don't think that we'd be married to this day had those events not happened. My husband refused to press charges, because he knew he deserved it, and more. It broke his heart to see me standing in a court room like that. The blame lie with both of us. Not long after that, we stopped hating each other and just focused on our kids. A few months after that, we became friends again. A few months after that, we both found our hearts finding their way back. Looking back now, we can chuckle about it.

Never since have I physically harmed him, or vice versa. Never since has he picked a fight to intentionally make me snap, never since has he been verbally abusive. We are better spouses for it, and are healthy and happily married. It took us a long and roundabout way to get here, but we're finally here, and living proof that one domestic experience is not the be all end all. It was not our finest moment, but everything happens for a reason.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

.

Hugs & love to you.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

The only thing that I can compare it to is slowly being boiled to death. You're hanging out in a nice comfy pot of water. Slowly the temperature keeps rising, but it's not unbearable. The temperature keeps creeping up, and the next thing you know, you're in a roiling pit of hell.

That's exactly how I would describe abuse starting - an insult, a shove, something not worth mentioning when held by itself. Then it piles on and somebody loses it. I actually called a woman's shelter and asked if I was abused. I can remember practicing saying, "I want some time apart, so we can get some counseling," over and over again. When I was branded with a curling iron, what came out of my mouth was, "I want a divorce."

Originally Posted by amIblue?

I'm so sorry to hear that.

The isolation is the worst; I went from having tons and tons of friends to not so many. Of course, going through something awful like that tends to separate the chaff from the wheat in terms of good friends vs. not good friends, but it's terrible to feel so alone.

This is something that bothers me, as I prepare to (finally!) marry again. I always said that the only time I was ever lonely was when I was married.

Anyone who's reading this and sees the slightest resemblance to the relationship that they're in, please, call someone, describe a normal day, and see what's up. Don't be overly dramatic, but start an escape plan. Leave some clothes or valuables with someone you trust, especially someone your abuser doesn't know. Save every penny you can, and make sure it's well hidden, and make sure you have a good exit strategy!

IrishLake, I didn't see your post before. ((((((((((((((((((((IrishLake)))))))))))))))))

[GammaPhi88]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

So, in the case of two assholes who deserve each other, abuse is OK?

I don't think that is exactly what Kevin is saying. I think (and Kevin, correct me if I'm wrong), that while the abuse is never okay, it's sometimes hard to find the victim because abuse is so rampant on both sides.

[Tulip86]

IrishLake, thank you so much for sharing that.