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  #1  
Old 10-11-2011, 11:14 AM
DrPhil DrPhil is offline
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Originally Posted by AlphaFrog View Post
I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon
That is one aspect of it, in addition to the "trial marriages" that people are doing now to see how long their marriages last. However, since life is more complex than the A + B = C explanation for things:

Being financially prepared in the event of marital failure is nothing new. For generations, women who were able to do so were encouraged to be financially prepared for whatever life brings. Back in the day that often meant keeping money in the cookie jar or in your bra. There were cultural, social class, and racial and ethnic implications for this because many communities were accustomed to men being unavailable either due to employment or "spread your seeds and multiply mentality."

I hope more women do not revert back to the days where patriarchal rules told women to put their everything into their spouses and children. If that's what some women want for their lives, FINE. But that isn't hardly "the rule" and it definitely isn't the recipe for a happy life and a successful marriage. Some people have a happy life and a successful marriage that way; and some people have a happy life and a successful marriage the other way. It is also important to note that encouraging women, in particular, to not have a safety net is correlated with domestic violence, depression and suicide, and prescription and illicit drug use for women who felt trapped in unions and marriages.

So, yeah, cover your ass women. Men have covered their ass across societies for generations. Children need people to give them permission and resources for everysinglething they say and do. Adults do not. And that includes stay-at-home husbands and wives who eventually aspire toward finding their own identity (and resources) outside of their spouses and children.

Last edited by DrPhil; 10-11-2011 at 11:19 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-11-2011, 11:51 AM
TonyB06 TonyB06 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlphaFrog View Post
I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon
I agree w/ the sentiment behind your post. Married couples tend to argue about the trees rather than the larger philosophical forest. Rather than the money, it's usually differing (more than likely previously undiscussed) philosophies on need vs. want spending.

Of course the thread's answer is basically whatever works for the couple, but I've never been in favor of "mine vs. hers." Joint account, then individual needs are met, according to the couple's agreed upon limits about how much you're trying to save.

As to separate "rainy day" funds, let's complete the circle. I've heard lots of women say their grandmothers told them to keep one and keep konwledge of it private. Cool, but then could you, or grandma say a word if you found out hubby was doing the same thing? IMO, it's just another breeding ground for distrust. If I can't trust you, then I don't need to be married to you.

What, we can share our bodies and all that entails, but my dough gotta be separate?
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  #3  
Old 10-11-2011, 12:49 AM
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honeychile honeychile is offline
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Originally Posted by DrPhil View Post
Both.

Joint accounts for joint expenses. Separate accounts for separate expenses.
It's also referred to as the MOMO method: Money Of My Own.

Everything's put in the joint account, the budget's fulfilled, then any money left over is equally divided by both spouses/partners. That's the way we're trying it.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:33 AM
ForeverRoses ForeverRoses is offline
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Originally Posted by BluPhire View Post
Whatever you are comfortable with. There is no right answer. Joint works for some marriages, separate works for others. That's one of those dealbreakers that needs to be discussed before saying I do.
This.

We started out with one joint and two separate accounts, but then we moved and were no longer near the credit union where our joint account was- and I needed a new bank for my separate account since my old bank didn't have a branch nearby. I ended up just opening one new account, so now we have one separate, and one joint- plus we kept the credit union account as a saving type account. But I pay all the bills, so it works.
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Old 10-10-2011, 10:33 AM
DubaiSis DubaiSis is offline
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My system is similar to AOII Angel's except I handle the money and he earns the majority of it. I was counseled by my mother that when you make a lifetime commitment, you have to commit all the way, including your finances. Of course, having a separate savings account for yourself is never a bad idea. But I just find it weird when I hear friends discussing who's paying for dinner or whose turn it is to pay for this or that bill. On the other hand, peoples' marriages are all VERY different and whatever works for you is what you should do. If I didn't control the finances in my marriage, we'd be homeless, lugging around mountains of overpriced junk.
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Old 10-10-2011, 10:36 AM
agzg agzg is offline
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We (as cohabitators that live in sin) have a joint checking account but separate savings and personal checking. We keep the amount in there pretty low but we go through the same bank so we can transfer money in and out easily. It's worked well for us for almost 4 years and I could see the only change after we get married would be adding a joint savings account.

Since we live in a larger city with a pretty high cost of living most of my money goes into the joint account anyway, since we pay 50/50 on everything. We've talked about adjusting for our relative incomes but I actually like paying my half even though it means I might have to pinch pennies sometimes. It just makes me feel like if we were ever to break up I'd be able to take care of myself.
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  #7  
Old 10-10-2011, 10:53 AM
MysticCat MysticCat is offline
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Originally Posted by DrPhil View Post
Both.

Joint accounts for joint expenses. Separate accounts for separate expenses.
This is how we do it, too. But yeah, there is no right answer to the question.
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  #8  
Old 10-10-2011, 08:59 PM
WCsweet<3 WCsweet<3 is offline
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Originally Posted by agzg View Post
We (as cohabitators that live in sin) have a joint checking account but separate savings and personal checking. We keep the amount in there pretty low but we go through the same bank so we can transfer money in and out easily. It's worked well for us for almost 4 years and I could see the only change after we get married would be adding a joint savings account.

Since we live in a larger city with a pretty high cost of living most of my money goes into the joint account anyway, since we pay 50/50 on everything.
This.

We are also living in sin. It was frustrating to always have to pay each other back for rent or what have you. The "okay I will pay this month's rent if you get next" or "I will write you my half of the rent tomorrow." It was just easier to put our halves in a joint account as well as money for bills and going out. It made budgeting easier for us. Whatever is left for the month is what the play money is for the couple.

ETA: We aren't at the sharing a credit card yet. He isn't as good about remember those payments, but he is with utility bills and rent. Not sure why.

We each have separate accounts where the rest of our money goes. That way he can buy lunch if he wants to at lunch and I am free to get my lattes and pedicures.
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Old 10-10-2011, 11:34 AM
ree-Xi ree-Xi is offline
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Before we were married (in the Catholic Church), we went to Pre-Cana wedding counseling. They covered all sorts of everyday conflicts, and forced us to discuss it. Even if we didn't end up with an answer that day, it gave us the opportunity and guidance to start discussing it. Since the answer varies for every couple, it's hard to say that what I think is the better way, but we have found what works for us.

We do discuss purchases that would affect the household (regardless of cost) such as a new vacuum cleaner, as well as bigger-ticket items like upgrades to our computers. We also like to ask each other for opinions on things. We really trust each others eye for fashion. In other words, we both know what looks good on the other person.

Hence why everyone who's seen my hubby's new jeans (that I picked out) have made positive comments on them, with several of my girlfriends telling him that he needs to take their hubbies shopping.
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Old 10-10-2011, 10:15 PM
KSUViolet06 KSUViolet06 is offline
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^^^I know people who live together (non-married) and have only one joint account, joint credit cards, and even joint cell phone plans. They even own their homes together.

That sort of rubs me the wrong way just because what if you break up? Sure marriages break up all the time, but at least then you can sort it out in divorce court legally. I've seen people get TOTALLY screwed by their exes because they broke up and had a joint credit card, home, etc.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:18 AM
agzg agzg is offline
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Originally Posted by KSUViolet06 View Post
^^^I know people who live together (non-married) and have only one joint account, joint credit cards, and even joint cell phone plans. They even own their homes together.

That sort of rubs me the wrong way just because what if you break up? Sure marriages break up all the time, but at least then you can sort it out in divorce court legally. I've seen people get TOTALLY screwed by their exes because they broke up and had a joint credit card, home, etc.
Live-in and I are planning on buying a home. We don't have credit cards together (and might not do that because of what happened with his parents when they divorced) but you can have a mortgage in both names which would require either the house be sold or your share bought out by whoever remains in the house. Which, when you think about it, is fair. Might be a strain, but it's fair.

Which would have to be sorted out legally, anyway.

I should add that I'm less concerned about my relationship not working out than some of my friends who are married are about their marriage, mostly because we've been together for longer than many of our married friends and any uncertainty in our relationship revolves around things that cause uncertainty in long marriages (what happens if one of us loses our job, what happens if one of our jobs transfer us, etc.) and we have contingency plans in place for that. We also have contingency plans for if we do break up, too (who moves out, who gets the animals, who takes what belongings including things we bought together). Sounds morbid but I'm a planner whose mom died and he's a planner whose parents got divorced so we planned a lot of that when we first moved in together as a way to protect ourselves and each other.

Last edited by agzg; 10-11-2011 at 09:21 AM.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:38 AM
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both.
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:07 AM
AOII Angel AOII Angel is offline
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I think money is the number one reason couples argue, so if covering your ass makes you feel more comfortable about money so you don't feel the need to fight all the time about money, this may be the best way to preserve your marriage/relationship. Not everyone views marriage or money the same. It can be very difficult. I have friends who fight over money all the time because the husband makes more than the wife because she stays home part time with their child. He's controlling with the money and criticizes her for buying stuff they don't need but is fine going out and spending extravagantly for himself. This even applies if she's spending "her" money. If couples can find a happy medium, then that's great...no matter what motivation gets them there.
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:40 AM
33girl 33girl is offline
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Originally Posted by AOII Angel View Post
I think money is the number one reason couples argue, so if covering your ass makes you feel more comfortable about money so you don't feel the need to fight all the time about money, this may be the best way to preserve your marriage/relationship. Not everyone views marriage or money the same. It can be very difficult. I have friends who fight over money all the time because the husband makes more than the wife because she stays home part time with their child. He's controlling with the money and criticizes her for buying stuff they don't need but is fine going out and spending extravagantly for himself. This even applies if she's spending "her" money. If couples can find a happy medium, then that's great...no matter what motivation gets them there.
If you're that far apart on money, IMO you shouldn't get married in the first place. It's SO much heavier than people realize. Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship. Maybe you're not fighting-fighting, but you're still feeling the disapproval of the other person.

(Thanks heaven that I learned this lesson in my very first serious relationship.)
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:46 AM
DrPhil DrPhil is offline
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Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship.
I agree. That is why people need to communicate prior to establishing a union; and throughout the union to make sure there is still an understanding and agreement.

I believe that MY money still has guidelines not only for myself but for the sanity and sanctity of my union. That is what my second post in this thread addressed.
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