To Wait or Not To Wait: That is the Question

[twinkle555]

Ive been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now and honestly I just wanna marry the kid lol. He has told me he wants to marry me too but here is the problem, he (and I quote) "wants everything to be perfect because that is what I deserve"...sooo idk if that means he wants a big expensive shindig or what (hmm I should ask..). Right now were both post-graduate 25yr olds so we don't have a ton of $$ to be spending. Since I'm so artsy/crafty, I plan on DIYing ALOOOT of stuff (invites, centerpieces, favors etc.) and not using a ton of flowers to cut down on costs.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I'd rather our first huge financial commitment together be toward a house--or anything else that will last more than 6 hours.

This.

My husband and I were fortunate enough to be in a financial position to pay for exactly the wedding we wanted, when we wanted it. But if we hadn't had those resources, I think we would have just had a very small wedding when we wanted to get married. We then would have had a renewal of vows and an anniversary party five or ten years later. Better that than have The Perfect White Wedding and spend the first five or ten years of your marriage paying off all the debt you racked up.

[agzg]

Live-in and I are waiting until we're more financially sound, but that's not for the wedding but the marriage.

Part of the exciting part of us both coming closer (like, super close) to meeting our professional goals for 2010 early is that it's bringing marriage closer.

But I'd rather go to the courthouse than have a big church wedding with reception. I'm not one for super cermonial things.

[MUSK81]

Weddings have gotten absolutely ridiculous nowadays and TV shows like Platinum Weddings and Say Yes toThe Dress have thrown fuel on the fire. When I got married in 1989, my parents gave me a $5000 budget and told me I could keep what I didn't spend, but if I went over, I paid for it. We ended up keeping about $500. I did take some cost-saving measures - my dress was a discontinued sample, my veil and bouquets were made by crafty friends as wedding gifts to us. We had our reception in the parish hall (nicer than it sounds - more like a hotel ballroom than a gym.) We had an open bar, heavy hors d'ouvres and a disc jockey. And some people were scandalized that I spent that much. I always tell people if they want a big wedding and have the wherewithal to have one, do it! Big weddings are fun! But don't put the cart before the horse. You're just as married if it's you, your groom, the celebrant and two witnesses. One of my cousins married a girl who came from money and their wedding was so lavish I started to wonder who these people were so desperate to impress ...

[1stSoon2BePhD]

I am a wedding show addict and I've always wanted a very nice wedding, but I agree with KSUViolet06 that it's about much more than just the wedding. People plan longer for a wedding than they do for MARRIAGE. And when I say "plan for marriage" I'm not referring to dating. I'm talking about having serious conversations with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with about problems that may arise and how you plan to fix them.

*steps off of soap box* ...back to the OP's question: I don't think it makes sense to wait until you have money for a wedding. You can easily have another celebration or even a vow renewal later down the line if you feel so inclined and hopefully you'll have more money by the time your 10, 15, 20, etc year anniversary comes around!

[DrPhil]

I never had a wedding of my dreams. I don't give a shit about the wedding.

I was never one of the stereotypical women who sat around thinking about their dream man and dream wedding.

[Animate]

And people look at me crazy when I say "some people look forward to the wedding rather than the marriage"

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Animate

And people look at me crazy when I say "some people look forward to the wedding rather than the marriage"

lol
You're not the only one who believes this. I just think a lot of couples now have an unrealistic view of what marriage is. When I was rotating at one of the clinics, a classmate of mine (who's engaged) who also rotated there with me, would constantly talk about how beautiful her wedding is going to be. I mean, she kept asking my opinion on some of the the things she likes in her bridal magazines, and of course I gave her my opinion on some of the things that I thought were cute. The whole time I was thinking "Umm, do you know that this "wedding" is supposed to be a one time act? You're about to make a lifelong commitment, plan for that." I just think a lot couples don't realize that marriage has to be developed and also maintained, that's why they look at you like you're nuts.

I dunno, she just seems like she has the giddy idea that marriage is a game or some sort of prom for grown ups.

[jdrama]

Well I must say, you all are among the few people (not just women) who'd jump the broom without the huge 'hupla'. I know there are men out there who want 'dream' weddings too.

It fits my personality better to have a smaller crowd and I'd rather our first huge financial commitment together be toward a house--or anything else that will last more than 6 hours.

Makes complete sense.

Except for the people who have to get to that destination for whom it's not a honeymoon. If you don't want a lot of people, don't invite a lot of people.

This is true. I really only plan (from my side) for my mother, bro, sis to come. I'm really not trying to get married anytime in the next 3-6 years so I think I'm hoping to have the money to fly them out.... hmmm -----> Let me put some more thought into that.

The goal is often to impress yourself and to impress others. That's NOT what a marriage is about. If you don't have the means, choose a different goal.

I believe this to be true. People invite guests they can't stand JUST to show off. I'm not paying for that.

Ive been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now and honestly I just wanna marry the kid lol. He has told me he wants to marry me too but here is the problem, he (and I quote) "wants everything to be perfect because that is what I deserve"...sooo idk if that means he wants a big expensive shindig or what (hmm I should ask..). Right now were both post-graduate 25yr olds so we don't have a ton of $$ to be spending. Since I'm so artsy/crafty, I plan on DIYing ALOOOT of stuff (invites, centerpieces, favors etc.) and not using a ton of flowers to cut down on costs.

If I don't have my destination wedding, I would get married in my backyard. (I figure by the time I get married, I would already have a house. I refuse to rent anymore but that a diff. subject) and my mother loves to do that^^ stuff. That wouldn't bother me. I still would only invite a few people.

[epchick]

LB and I actually talked about this before it went to shit.

His (not mine) idea was to have a small first wedding. So like we would supposedly get married in a small place (or the courthouse) with only like our parents there. And after 5 years, then we'd have the HUUUGE wedding (renting out every hotel room in Bora Bora, etc) and he would "upgrade" my ring. His logic was, if we could make it to 5 years, then we would probably make it a whole lot longer.

IDK if I like that. If I get married to a guy, I want the big shindig at the beginning. Why would I want to wait 5 years?

[KSUViolet06]

My dad always said, you can spend x dollars on your wedding, but everything over x dollars is on you and future hypothetical hubby.

I fully plan to take 10% of our x dollars and go to Vegas, then put the rest of the money toward our future home. If you have big wedding 'dreams' then I am not the kind of girl you need to be with.

I don't even think I'd consider dating someone whose idea of starting a life together = taking out a loan for our wedding. That tells me that he has no sense of financial priorities and that in a few years, we'll have bigger problems than that. lol.

[jdrama]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

My dad always said, you can spend x dollars on your wedding, but everything over x dollars is on you and future hypothetical hubby.

I fully plan to take 10% of our x dollars and go to Vegas, then put the rest of the money toward our future home. If you have big wedding 'dreams' then I am not the kind of girl you need to be with.

I don't even think I'd consider dating someone whose idea of starting a life together = taking out a loan for our wedding. That tells me that he has no sense of financial priorities and that in a few years, we'll have bigger problems than that. lol.

TRUE!

I don't even want my parents to pay for my wedding because I have siblings that are 9 and 10 so they'll be in college. They can pay for that.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by epchick

His logic was, if we could make it to 5 years, then we would probably make it a whole lot longer.

My problem wouldn't even be delaying the shindig. Honestly, I'm aware that most marriages fail in the first 5 years but can you NOT sound like you're starting me off on a 5-year probation?

I like whoever said she'd be DIYing her wedding. That's ditto for me, I already know what kind of decorations I'd want because they are things I've made in the past. I feel like I'd enjoy the day more if the things I'm looking at came from my own hands. Hopefully, by the time I finally get married I'll be in a place where I can pay for "nicer" things just in case mine tank.

[epchick]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

My problem wouldn't even be delaying the shindig. Honestly, I'm aware that most marriages fail in the first 5 years but can you NOT sound like you're starting me off on a 5-year probation?

Right? Like let's not start off this wedding anticipating a big FAIL. I can understand why people want to wait (I have 2 sorority sisters that did that, and friends of the family just had one after being married for 10 yrs) and have a big wedding later, but let that be a mutual decision--I can wait for the first year, but not for 5!

I guess I should have expected that LB's first marriage (yep he was married before, but no kids supposedly) lasted only 4 years. Maybe he kicks 'em to the curb before they get that big 5 year wedding.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by epchick

Maybe he kicks 'em to the curb before they get that big 5 year wedding.

Talk about a budget cut!