Need Advice :)

[AKA_Monet]

Firstly, I to be blunt, the parents have to know something wrong with their daughter... If they don't, then what gives you the right to tell them their child is acting out? Parents don't want to hear about bad things about their child, period! And you can show them all the evidence in the world, but since you are not a licensed trained provider or law enforcement, then you have ZERO to say to them. Your recourse is with your local law enforcement and a restraining order.

The fact is, what if the girl's parents are in so much denial that they accuse your son of some silliness (i.e. he "raped" her, etc., etc.)? How's that going to look after you just had those fools over at your house with soda/coffee/cookies, etc. to talk about the inappropriate lasciviousness of their child? Think about what the police investigators' perspective? It looks like CYAing... EFF that chance! Protect yourself and your family at ALL times! It ain't about being nice-nice and neighborly, it is about protecting your son, period. And ain't nobody going to do that for him, but you and your husband... Yeah, he's young, but he is dealing with someone who needs help, he too young to handle this lunacy. It takes someone licensed and trained to do that...

I would not even give a head's up... Let the Marshall's do that... (or whoever)... Because if she did this silliness to your son, believe me, he ain't the first!!! Secondly, I question what is going on in this household for the parents not to be apologetic about their child's behavior? THAT behavior suggest to me that something wholly inappropriate is going on in that household... Seriously...

If you want to help this young lady, make her be forced to get help by "the system" and make her parents find the help she needs. That's what you pay taxes for... Seriously...

Look, if you ever been accused of a crime, you just learn these facts the hard way... Get your documents in order with a long paper trail. If you can get the text messages, facebook, myspace, whatever she is saying or doing that is loopy, get that together. Lock up all his accounts on those social networks. And hayle, you can use my message to you here as proof on GC. You don't know what this young lady is capable of doing until she is handled by law enforcement...

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by srmom

Thanks for your posts. My son actually said something about a restraining order and I kind of laughed it off as being extreme - until I had my run in with her yesterday, now I see where he's coming from.

I am going to call her mom (GULP) this evening to see if we can set up a meeting. I'm sure they must be aware that things are not okay with her. I just have never had to have this type of conversation before and really don't relish it. But, it is in her, and my son's, best interest to get this to stop.

If your son is asking for a restraining order, take it seriously! Don't wait for the parent's too handle this one. Your son senses that this girl may be a little dangerous. I wouldn't blow off his instincts.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by srmom

My husband and I have stayed out of it, only counseling him to be kind, but firm in his wanting to end the relationship. My son has tried to handle it, but, it is getting totally out of control. She calls and texts his cell phone up to 30 times a day or more, and calls our house phone repeatedly. She now has started showing up at our house and walking in the open back door, univited and unannounced. It is very upsetting to my son who really doesn't know how to handle it. He has tried being nice, he has tried being mean, nothing works, and the behavior is becoming more and more obsessive.

Yesterday when I came home from work, she was at the house. I hadn't seen her in quite some time, and when I saw her last night, I was alarmed. It looks like she has lost a LOT of weight (like scary skinny). I know through the grapevine that she has had issues with anorexia in the past, and frankly, I am majorly concerned about her mental and physical health. She was crying and apologetic that I found her at the house. I told her that she needed to leave and that the constant phoning and showing up was not helping matters, that she needed to give my son space, and that maybe in time, they could be friends again. The whole scene was really kind of weird (hard to describe).

@Bolded...

First she's texting calling a bajillion times... Clue 1.
Second Very skinny... You don't know if she has Anorexia unless you have been trained to recognize it... But the key is, how was she dress--appropriate for your climate or "scantily clad" with inappropriate make-up and disheveled hair??? Clue 2.
Third, you chose to engage her. People like that always take it out of context--she rapidly turns stuff around to say, if I am quiet enough that he doesn't notice me, then we can be friends, leading to lovers, again... But, you don't know that... Clue 3

You don't have hardcore proof that she showed up at your house unannounced and uninvited... That takes pictures...

So, if you don't have the video security cams with recordings, then it's your word against hers... And she can lie to save her butt... And "they" always favor the damsel in distress...

You want to protect your family, especially your son, get your stuff in order...

I suggest you see the domestic violence counselors... They are suppose to help people with that, even those it is in the "reverse"--a man being harassed by a woman...

[nikki1920]

The fact that she walked into their house, uninvited, signals a problem to me. And some parents *are* clueless as to what goes on with their own kids. As a mom, she has to stand up for her own kid. My first thing would be to let the parents know that something is not right here without placing blame.

[VandalSquirrel]

Definitely talk to the parents, because a lot of kids (and people) are excellent at hiding behavior. If that doesn't work, does your son's school have a police officer assigned to it (assuming it is public) you could use as a resource? That officer may have some tips or resources at the girl's school.

Also, my phone has a block feature, you should investigate that as an option, and also document everything. Even if she isn't anorexic, she needs to get help/learn that this is not socially acceptable behavior. Perhaps you and other family members should always be with your son until this blows over. When I had a situation with my former future ex-husband, having someone around was a great relief, even though nothing ever happened again.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

My first thing would be to let the parents know that something is not right here without placing blame.

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

Definitely talk to the parents, because a lot of kids (and people) are excellent at hiding behavior. If that doesn't work, does your son's school have a police officer assigned to it (assuming it is public) you could use as a resource? That officer may have some tips or resources at the girl's school.

Also, my phone has a block feature, you should investigate that as an option, and also document everything.

How can one parent tell another parent about his/her child's inappropriate behavior without placing blame? IDK? But the general rule of thumb for school admins is that parents do not allow another adult parent to interact with the "offending child"--i.e. deal with your own child... That needs to ONLY be dealt with the "authority in charge"... In this case, the girl allegedly was "trespassing" on private property with intent...

And while, yes, teens can hide their behavior, texting does have a cost factor, and the parents cannot be that far gone to not think, "hmmmm, my child might have a problem, etc.?"

But, I had forgotten, that most high schools have a code of ethics, and she has violated them. So, the girl would be done a favor by the son speaking to the school police. Then, the question will be asked if charges wants to be made and an investigation sought, which immediately involves the school, the school psychologist, and the admin who legally has to report the incident to various agencies...

@Srmom, my point to this is, do not attempt to handle this by yourself (or your family by yourself)... Once you choose to speak to the parents independently, it is just not worth that melee that can ensue with your family...

Your son attempted to end his relationship in good faith, but he just did not choose a girl who can take the break-up. Since they are students at the local HS, they have to treat each other respectfully, she has violated that. And your son has rights, too...

[AGDee]

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go." That's a very different thing than going to the parent and saying "Your daughter is a whackjob. She's calling my son 30 times and trespassing in our house. Do something about her crazy ass."

[epchick]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

How can one parent tell another parent about his/her child's inappropriate behavior without placing blame? IDK? But the general rule of thumb for school admins is that parents do not allow another adult parent to interact with the "offending child"--i.e. deal with your own child... That needs to ONLY be dealt with the "authority in charge"... In this case, the girl allegedly was "trespassing" on private property with intent...

And while, yes, teens can hide their behavior, texting does have a cost factor, and the parents cannot be that far gone to not think, "hmmmm, my child might have a problem, etc.?"

But, I had forgotten, that most high schools have a code of ethics, and she has violated them. So, the girl would be done a favor by the son speaking to the school police. Then, the question will be asked if charges wants to be made and an investigation sought, which immediately involves the school, the school psychologist, and the admin who legally has to report the incident to various agencies...

There are ways to speak to parents without making it seem like you are placing the blame on them. Srmom SHOULD speak to this girl's parents. I agree with how AGDee suggests handling the situation.

The school police will not do anything because none of these things happen on campus, it is happening at srmom's house.

I don't think the parents will think anything is wrong based on her text messages. They could still be under the impression that their daughter and srmom's son are still dating, which is why she is texting him so much. I text a lot, and my parents wouldn't think anything was wrong based on the # of texts, especially since most people have that "unlimited" text messaging plan.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go."

But we ain't talking about a girl and her parents operating on all cylindars...

While what you wrote is EXTREMELY civil, what if I was this girl's parent, and I went off on you and cursed you out for accusing my daughter after your son promised the "moon and stars" to my daughter...

See, to me the issue is, the parents must be wacky because the behavior the girl manifested did not just suddenly developed, it was honed in over time for her to irrationally think that way... Basically, an enabling an inappropriate behavior when now this girl's personal interactions and relationships are poor, at best...

Unless someone is trained and licensed to handle both the parents and the girl, then, you are just asking for unnecessary ignorance and pain...

The reality is, while Srmom does know her son the best, we all don't know what he "REALLY" said to this girl for her to fabricate a Fantasyland in her mind, thinking that it's copacetic rolling up in her house like that...

Maybe I stopped dealing with the source, anymore... EFF that... You do some illegal chit to me these days, I report folks... EFF pride, parity and equity are more important to me. I'm too old for that kinna BS... I'd rather my child, go to the HS po-po, press charges, have an investigation, and I don't care what my happens to my "rep" after that... At least the child will have somekind of help, then the boy will have to have better "recruitment skills" when he dates...

[Senusret I]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go." That's a very different thing than going to the parent and saying "Your daughter is a whackjob. She's calling my son 30 times and trespassing in our house. Do something about her crazy ass."

Best advice.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by epchick

There are ways to speak to parents without making it seem like you are placing the blame on them. Srmom SHOULD speak to this girl's parents. I agree with how AGDee suggests handling the situation.

No matter how it is said, there are too many variable to NOT know what the outcome will be. First you don't know if that girl's parents are just a sick and twisted or worse... So how it going to look to speak to the parents about anything?

Originally Posted by epchick

The school police will not do anything because none of these things happen on campus, it is happening at srmom's house.

Actually, there is precendent in various school districts, in regards to school violence. These kinds of things can escalate. That is why the police and admins have been trained and have licenses and certificates...

Originally Posted by epchick

I don't think the parents will think anything is wrong based on her text messages. They could still be under the impression that their daughter and srmom's son are still dating, which is why she is texting him so much. I text a lot, and my parents wouldn't think anything was wrong based on the # of texts, especially since most people have that "unlimited" text messaging plan.

It is the sheer number of them that most people will look at and the timing. When my child is asleep at my house, WTF are there 30 odd texts at 2-3 AM, saying "where R U", "Call me", "I miss U", "I H8 U"--Bizzarro texts?

I don't care how much the other family thinks they are dating, the fact is, you don't text endlessly at 2-3 AM even if you are married... There is a limit to that being loving vs. overwhelming. The other issue, is the boy could have led her on for her to live in make believe. We are only hearing one side of the story, so who knows? I am in no way condoning or rationalizing her behavior, but you just don't mess around with someone like that and think you, your property, and your animals are safe...

It's like y'all missed that movie "Fatal Attraction"...

This girl apparently does not understand the point of restraint and composure. Why? Who knows? But unless you are a trained and licensed professional, then why do you need to ascertain that fact?

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

But we ain't talking about a girl and her parents operating on all cylindars...

While what you wrote is EXTREMELY civil, what if I was this girl's parent, and I went off on you and cursed you out for accusing my daughter after your son promised the "moon and stars" to my daughter...

See, to me the issue is, the parents must be wacky because the behavior the girl manifested did not just suddenly developed, it was honed in over time for her to irrationally think that way... Basically, an enabling an inappropriate behavior when now this girl's personal interactions and relationships are poor, at best...

Unless someone is trained and licensed to handle both the parents and the girl, then, you are just asking for unnecessary ignorance and pain...

The reality is, while Srmom does know her son the best, we all don't know what he "REALLY" said to this girl for her to fabricate a Fantasyland in her mind, thinking that it's copacetic rolling up in her house like that...

Maybe I stopped dealing with the source, anymore... EFF that... You do some illegal chit to me these days, I report folks... EFF pride, parity and equity are more important to me. I'm too old for that kinna BS... I'd rather my child, go to the HS po-po, press charges, have an investigation, and I don't care what my happens to my "rep" after that... At least the child will have somekind of help, then the boy will have to have better "recruitment skills" when he dates...

If you're trying to speak as a licensed and trained professional, perhaps you should leave out the slang.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PM_Mama00

If you're trying to speak as a licensed and trained professional, perhaps you should leave out the slang.

Is this your choice of engaging talks with me? Please let me know when you have anything relevant to add to this discussion with me... Thanks.

[AKA_Monet]

Ironically, my husband said that what the young man outta do is set homegirl up with one of his "enemies", then he doesn't have to worry about girl anymore...

I told him, that's just wrong... But it might work...

[epchick]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Actually, there is precendent in various school districts, in regards to school violence. These kinds of things can escalate. That is why the police and admins have been trained and have licenses and certificates...

That might be what is happening in Seattle or SoCal or wherever you are. But we are talking about Texas. If Srmom's school district is anything like ours here, there is not a lot the ISD police can do. They have to be called by the principal, etc, and it the incident HAS to happen on school premises (or the area around that is still deemed school premises). Otherwise it's a matter for the city police, and even then it's sketchy.

School administrators and the like aren't more equipped than the average person to handle any similar situation....trust me on that!

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

It is the sheer number of them that most people will look at and the timing. When my child is asleep at my house, WTF are there 30 odd texts at 2-3 AM, saying "where R U", "Call me", "I miss U", "I H8 U"--Bizzarro texts?

I don't care how much the other family thinks they are dating, the fact is, you don't text endlessly at 2-3 AM even if you are married... There is a limit to that being loving vs. overwhelming.

I would hate to have the phone company you have. My parents definitely DO NOT get an itemized bill on exactly what my text messages say (trust me, or else i'd probably be in a convent somewhere w/ some of the texts i send)

Are you forgetting these kids are 16? Teenagers do a lot of thinks that adults don't do, like text message or talk on the phone late into the wee hours of the morning. It isn't unheard of and most parents don't care.

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

This girl apparently does not understand the point of restraint and composure. Why? Who knows? But unless you are a trained and licensed professional, then why do you need to ascertain that fact?

But you aren't a licensed or trained professional either, right?