How important is family background to you?

[OneTimeSBX]

i mean as far as judaism or catholicism where sometimes one of us would have to convert to the others denomination...actually my s.o. is baptist and i am church of christ so the beliefs are similar...as long as one of us isnt something where Jesus isnt mentioned then we can work from there.

[RU OX Alum]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i mean as far as judaism or catholicism where sometimes one of us would have to convert to the others denomination...actually my s.o. is baptist and i am church of christ so the beliefs are similar...as long as one of us isnt something where Jesus isnt mentioned then we can work from there.

oh okay, thanks for the clarification.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i mean as far as judaism or catholicism where sometimes one of us would have to convert to the others denomination...actually my s.o. is baptist and i am church of christ so the beliefs are similar...as long as one of us isnt something where Jesus isnt mentioned then we can work from there.

Pssst. Jesus is mentioned in Catholism. A lot. Prayed to, even.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Pssst. Jesus is mentioned in Catholism. A lot. Prayed to, even.

I thought she only mentioned Catholicism because of conversion.

(I used to think Catholics prayed to the Virgin Mary. )

****
Christiangirl is right, it is broad but it should be broad. So I'll answer with as much brevity as possible.

The family background of the man I seriously date and eventually marry is important to me. That's part of the continuous screening process. That includes family history of disease, mental and emotional health history, family socioeconomic history, and how the family interact with each other.

I also observe how much input his family has in his life, which is indicative of an umbilical cord effect. I wouldn't marry a man whose family is allowed to have an opinion and input on most things. I need for people to mind their own damn business so I don't have to tell them to.

The other stuff is a matter of grown adults making their own decisions regardless of how they were raised. He has save money, accumulate wealth, and have career and educational accomplishments and aspirations. That's basic adult stuff that makes someone a serious dating candidate to me. How we'll run our home will be negotiated so he won't be able to say "but my mommy always did the housework and took care of the kids." Good for her but that has nothing to do with us.

[groovypq]

I'm not sure if this falls under "background" so much but... it really is true, you marry a guy, you marry his family. Trust me, I found this out the hard way. No matter how many times he tells you it's your (as in you and him) life, if his parents are butting in before the wedding, the I dos won't change anything.

And sometimes its not that obvious... he may say he doesn't agree with his parents or he doesn't want them running his life, but his actions may prove differently.

[WCsweet<3]

Certain values matter for me. Is he honorable/trustworthy? He needs to know the general right from wrong like lying and theft is bad. He needs to not have debt or live on credit. Religious beliefs are a touchy subject because mine tend to fluctuate quite a bit.

I have never had a family that I have disliked before this one. I mean they drive me crazy. Luckily it's a long flight, but if his older brother doesn't call twice a day (minimum it is usually three or four), its a good day. The worst moment yet is when the mother and I had a two hour talk (I stayed at their house for a few days and the boyfriend was at work) about how her four conceptions, pregnancies and c-sections. I wanted to throw up. If she was trying to make sure we waited to have kids, she went the right way.

P.S. MysticCat, you make me laugh. "I believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ the only son of the father..." Nicene Creed. It has been said at every Mass I have ever been to...

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by WCsweet<3

P.S. MysticCat, you make me laugh. "I believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ the only son of the father..." Nicene Creed. It has been said at every Mass I have ever been to...

As dekeguy has noted lately, "O Lord, I am not worthy . . . ."

[LightBulb]

Honestly, it'd be hard not to think about family if the relationship were serious.

However, a person does not choose her/his family; as the old quote goes, "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves."

[agzg]

Originally Posted by LightBulb

Honestly, it'd be hard not to think about family if the relationship were serious.

However, a person does not choose her/his family; as the old quote goes, "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves."

Right. I can handle a couple of sucky friends (everyone has a few) but if ALL of his friends suck, that's a deal-breaker for me because he picked them!

[awkward1]

Someone once gave me this piece of advice and I find it to be true:

Watch how your boyfriend treats his mother, this is how he will eventually treat you. Beware if he treats his mother badly.

Men should spend time with their girlfriends mother because over time the girlfriend will become more and more like her mother.

[AKA_Monet]

Before I was married: I had a HUGE problem with baby's mama's drama... We ain't talking married, had a baby (ies), then divorced. We are talking, never been married, strung quite a few women along, had a few babies with each of them, and how want to get with you--someone who has 3 degrees, worked hard in school, making ends meet, etc. etc. etc. This is this man's family--drama in the past--who would get himself into that hot ghetto mess?

After I was married: There were no hidden trap doors (lol) with baby's mama's calling and hanging up at the house, etc. And whatnot. Extended family may not have much to do with the end result, but I chose someone of similar background to mine. He has both parents--or at least knows both parents and they shaped his personality.

My husband is more distant to his immediate family than I am to mine. Not just physically distant, but also mentally. He speaks to his folks roughly weekly, if that. I speak to my folks almost every other day. But that is my make up. How I connect to my folks is a bone of contention between us, because he does not share similar "family values" as I have been accustomed to. Did I know this before we were married? Sort of... There were some things I was in denial about or thought it would change over time. It did not--it has not--it might not...

Welp, all I can say, the dealbreaker is you never know ultimately until after you sign your name on the license.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

What is it? Is it a total deal breaker for you?

You're absolutely right. Yes, it is a deal breaker for me. A good family and a two parent home are important to me. I'm not saying a single parent cannot raise a fine young man/woman, it is just what I prefer. I think a father in the household is very important (to me). I also look at how close the family is. Also, she has to share/have similar values that I was raised to have.

As far as dating is concerned, I date for one reason and one reason only, and that is to enter into courtship with one woman, from courtship to marriage. Dating for any other reason, is a waste of my time. When you marry, not only do you marry your partner, you marry into the family as well. Christmas/Thanksgiving are holidays when family get together to celebrate, and the last thing I want, is to be around a ghetto, trifling family. I don't care if she's white, black, yellow or red. To me, ghetto is ghetto and trifling is trifling. In my past relationship, my ex had issues with me, because I didn't like to be around her family. I was like you, I looked at the woman and the woman only. I paid no attention to the family. I learned my lesson from that. My reason for not wanting to be around her family was because they smoked weed, got drunk, hung out at strip clubs etc etc. That sort of thing and that is not my type of crowd. I don't come from that type of family and I don't want a woman that does either. Like I said in another thread. The foundation of what I look for in a woman are:

God-meaning she has to put Him before all things.
Family-I already summed that up in this thread and others.
Education-She's got to be educated.

If she's got the foundation, then we can move to the next level. But yes, the family is very, very important to me. IMO, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

And no she doesn't have to be from some "royal family" and speak like some queen. You're a trip.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

(I used to think Catholics prayed to the Virgin Mary. )
.

I always thought they did to. The whole "Hail Mary full of grace mother of God" thing.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

This matters to me but not because I will judge him. I will judge his family and those family members won't be coming around our household.

If someone is not taking charge of their life and/or in trouble all the time, I refuse to allow them to add drama to my life. That includes constantly having a problem to talk about or asking to borrow money. I feel no shame in telling anyone "no."

What if he's close to his family and has a problem with you telling them no?

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

they smoked weed, got drunk,

^^^I knew I would see this somewhere in your post.

As soon as I saw your username, I said "Oh dear, here we go."

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

What if he's close to his family and has a problem with you telling them no?

He wouldn't have been in my life.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

^^^I knew I would see this somewhere in your post.

As soon as I saw your username, I said "Oh dear, here we go."

See? I was nice this time.

It could have been worse. I could have posted: "I don't want to be around a family full of domino rackin,' weed smokin,' Johnny Walker drinkin,' sorry azz jokers".

Right?