How important is family background to you?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by WCsweet<3

P.S. MysticCat, you make me laugh. "I believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ the only son of the father..." Nicene Creed. It has been said at every Mass I have ever been to...

As dekeguy has noted lately, "O Lord, I am not worthy . . . ."

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Pssst. Jesus is mentioned in Catholism. A lot. Prayed to, even.

I thought she only mentioned Catholicism because of conversion.

(I used to think Catholics prayed to the Virgin Mary. )

****
Christiangirl is right, it is broad but it should be broad. So I'll answer with as much brevity as possible.

The family background of the man I seriously date and eventually marry is important to me. That's part of the continuous screening process. That includes family history of disease, mental and emotional health history, family socioeconomic history, and how the family interact with each other.

I also observe how much input his family has in his life, which is indicative of an umbilical cord effect. I wouldn't marry a man whose family is allowed to have an opinion and input on most things. I need for people to mind their own damn business so I don't have to tell them to.

The other stuff is a matter of grown adults making their own decisions regardless of how they were raised. He has save money, accumulate wealth, and have career and educational accomplishments and aspirations. That's basic adult stuff that makes someone a serious dating candidate to me. How we'll run our home will be negotiated so he won't be able to say "but my mommy always did the housework and took care of the kids." Good for her but that has nothing to do with us.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

some members of his family were in jail, or on drugs

This matters to me but not because I will judge him. I will judge his family and those family members won't be coming around our household.

If someone is not taking charge of their life and/or in trouble all the time, I refuse to allow them to add drama to my life. That includes constantly having a problem to talk about or asking to borrow money. I feel no shame in telling anyone "no."

[AGDee]

Considering the fact that my marriage didn't make it because of his dysfunctional family's issues and his unwillingness to work on how it affected him in counseling, I would take a good hard look at this in the future.

[christiangirl]

Well, I'll give it a whirl. Values are important to me and those must be similar. Our faiths must be similar, but not exactly mirror image. Labels aren't super important to me, as long as Jesus is in the mix as the Savior (not just random John Doe who like to do stuff for people) then I'm good. If you believe that, then I don't really care what you call yourself. I think someone from the same social class would be best, but there are good men in all classes. I wouldn't necessarily judge him on his family (no one would touch me with a 10-foot pole if they judged me on mine!) but it's important to see where a person comes from. Once we become adults, it doesn't affect us so much anymore, but the environment a person grew up in will always tell a lot about them. Values (like education, saving money) would have to be in line because we can't possibly raise our children as a team if we're polar opposites on what's really important in life. Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas."

[LightBulb]

Honestly, it'd be hard not to think about family if the relationship were serious.

However, a person does not choose her/his family; as the old quote goes, "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves."

[agzg]

Originally Posted by LightBulb

Honestly, it'd be hard not to think about family if the relationship were serious.

However, a person does not choose her/his family; as the old quote goes, "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves."

Right. I can handle a couple of sucky friends (everyone has a few) but if ALL of his friends suck, that's a deal-breaker for me because he picked them!

[awkward1]

Someone once gave me this piece of advice and I find it to be true:

Watch how your boyfriend treats his mother, this is how he will eventually treat you. Beware if he treats his mother badly.

Men should spend time with their girlfriends mother because over time the girlfriend will become more and more like her mother.

[AKA_Monet]

Before I was married: I had a HUGE problem with baby's mama's drama... We ain't talking married, had a baby (ies), then divorced. We are talking, never been married, strung quite a few women along, had a few babies with each of them, and how want to get with you--someone who has 3 degrees, worked hard in school, making ends meet, etc. etc. etc. This is this man's family--drama in the past--who would get himself into that hot ghetto mess?

After I was married: There were no hidden trap doors (lol) with baby's mama's calling and hanging up at the house, etc. And whatnot. Extended family may not have much to do with the end result, but I chose someone of similar background to mine. He has both parents--or at least knows both parents and they shaped his personality.

My husband is more distant to his immediate family than I am to mine. Not just physically distant, but also mentally. He speaks to his folks roughly weekly, if that. I speak to my folks almost every other day. But that is my make up. How I connect to my folks is a bone of contention between us, because he does not share similar "family values" as I have been accustomed to. Did I know this before we were married? Sort of... There were some things I was in denial about or thought it would change over time. It did not--it has not--it might not...

Welp, all I can say, the dealbreaker is you never know ultimately until after you sign your name on the license.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

What is it? Is it a total deal breaker for you?

You're absolutely right. Yes, it is a deal breaker for me. A good family and a two parent home are important to me. I'm not saying a single parent cannot raise a fine young man/woman, it is just what I prefer. I think a father in the household is very important (to me). I also look at how close the family is. Also, she has to share/have similar values that I was raised to have.

As far as dating is concerned, I date for one reason and one reason only, and that is to enter into courtship with one woman, from courtship to marriage. Dating for any other reason, is a waste of my time. When you marry, not only do you marry your partner, you marry into the family as well. Christmas/Thanksgiving are holidays when family get together to celebrate, and the last thing I want, is to be around a ghetto, trifling family. I don't care if she's white, black, yellow or red. To me, ghetto is ghetto and trifling is trifling. In my past relationship, my ex had issues with me, because I didn't like to be around her family. I was like you, I looked at the woman and the woman only. I paid no attention to the family. I learned my lesson from that. My reason for not wanting to be around her family was because they smoked weed, got drunk, hung out at strip clubs etc etc. That sort of thing and that is not my type of crowd. I don't come from that type of family and I don't want a woman that does either. Like I said in another thread. The foundation of what I look for in a woman are:

God-meaning she has to put Him before all things.
Family-I already summed that up in this thread and others.
Education-She's got to be educated.

If she's got the foundation, then we can move to the next level. But yes, the family is very, very important to me. IMO, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

And no she doesn't have to be from some "royal family" and speak like some queen. You're a trip.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

(I used to think Catholics prayed to the Virgin Mary. )
.

I always thought they did to. The whole "Hail Mary full of grace mother of God" thing.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

This matters to me but not because I will judge him. I will judge his family and those family members won't be coming around our household.

If someone is not taking charge of their life and/or in trouble all the time, I refuse to allow them to add drama to my life. That includes constantly having a problem to talk about or asking to borrow money. I feel no shame in telling anyone "no."

What if he's close to his family and has a problem with you telling them no?

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

they smoked weed, got drunk,

^^^I knew I would see this somewhere in your post.

As soon as I saw your username, I said "Oh dear, here we go."

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Well, I'll give it a whirl. Values are important to me and those must be similar. Our faiths must be similar, but not exactly mirror image. Labels aren't super important to me, as long as Jesus is in the mix as the Savior (not just random John Doe who like to do stuff for people) then I'm good. If you believe that, then I don't really care what you call yourself. I think someone from the same social class would be best, but there are good men in all classes. I wouldn't necessarily judge him on his family (no one would touch me with a 10-foot pole if they judged me on mine!) but it's important to see where a person comes from. Once we become adults, it doesn't affect us so much anymore, but the environment a person grew up in will always tell a lot about them. Values (like education, saving money) would have to be in line because we can't possibly raise our children as a team if we're polar opposites on what's really important in life. Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas."

This is the best post here. I agree 110%.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

What if he's close to his family and has a problem with you telling them no?

He wouldn't have been in my life.

[SWTXBelle]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas."

You might wish to change your example - Being from Texas is a big part of a Texian's sense of where he (or she!) comes from, and we most certainly have a distinct culture!

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

(I used to think Catholics prayed to the Virgin Mary. )

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I always thought they did to. The whole "Hail Mary full of grace mother of God" thing.

They do pray to the Virgin Mary, just as they pray to Saints. But, it's not because the Virgin Mary or the Saints are equivalent to the Godhead. It's a request for intercession and a sign of reverence. It's similar to asking a pastor or a congregation to pray for you.

Anyway, my faith is more important to me than anything. I don't care about intellectual assent to Christianity (i.e. "Do you believe in Jesus?" "Yes" "Ok, then, you're good to go"). I'm concerned with the way a man lives his life.

Does he invite me to pray with him? Is he generous in the ways that can hurt (e.g. financially)? Is he respectful and warm to all people, including the folks that usually get stepped on (e.g. cleaning staff)? Does he tithe consistenly with no complaints? Does he always do what's best for me? Does he seek God's will above his own desires?

Education is important to me but only if it is in line with the path that God intends for my man. I'm not impressed with and I do not need to see a diploma hanging on the wall. I can see where a man is with God by looking at his life. And, I can deal with family issues if I know a man is praying for them. I wouldn't mind entering a dysfunctional family as long as my man is prayed up.

But, I'm married to the man I described (outside of the dysfunctional family), so I guess it doesn't matter any more.